‘Mate, you’re joking!’ He seems shocked, so that means no one’s talking about it and the word hasn’t circulated yet. That, at least, is one pressure less.
‘And Lisa’s okay, so I’m not pulling out. You can continue to receive Cheryl’s undying gratitude without guilt.’
He stops work, leaning back against a pillar to look at me quite intensely.
‘Well, I wouldn’t be pushing it if I didn’t think I was doing you a favour. Lisa slays it, man. I mean she’s one neat little package.’
I roll my eyes. ‘Greg, when are you ever going to grow up? Does Cheryl really like your immature style, or is she just humouring you?’
He pretends to wince. ‘Hey, she finds me irresistible, what can I say? Some of us have it and others, well, they know how to put a downer on a situation. I bet you’ve talked about Joe, then.’
‘We did. It’s not a deal-breaker, but she was surprised.’
‘Can’t see why. These days you’re twenty-four going on forty. You need a night out and a few shots to remind you that life isn’t supposed to be a grind. And I’m not joking here. You’re back working for your dad to keep him and your mum happy. You are also working all hours to keep Anita happy. What about what you want out of life?’
‘Greg, you’re missing the whole point. When you have a kid your life changes forever. Any woman coming into my life now has to accept that Joe is my number-one priority and that Anita isn’t going to disappear. In a way she still calls the shots and that’s the price I have to pay as a dad with a failed relationship.’
We head off to the van to grab the first sheet of plasterboard.
‘You know, Luke, you’ve just put me off having kids for life. Not sure Cheryl is going to approve of you once she hears you talking. I get the distinct impression she’s looking for the whole package – marriage and kids. Hearing you speak I’m not sure that’s something I’m ready to sign up for yet.’
I start chuckling and he actually looks a little embarrassed.
‘Hey, this is going somewhere, isn’t it? Mr ‘I Like To Party’ is beginning to cave in. Mate, it happens to the best of us.’ I slap him on the back as he begins easing the board towards the rear door of the van.
‘Between you and me, I’m scared stiff. You won’t mention it to anyone, will you? I mean, it’s not like I’ve asked the question or anything.’ His anxiety is real and all I can think is ‘you have no idea what you are getting yourself into’.
***
A quick pub lunch gives me time to text Lisa.
Got my top three turn-offs. It took a while!
She responds instantly.
Thought you’d gone cold on me.
I find myself smiling as I text.
It was a tough question. I’m a slow thinker.
She sends back a smiley face.
We need to meet up to discuss this. I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot. I’m not used to going out with a man who is a thinker.
Oh, interesting.
I hate to disillusion you, but I think you’ll be disappointed. Maybe I should just have said ‘slow’ and left off the ‘thinker’.
Back comes a smiley face lying on its back with tears of laughter spraying out like a fountain.
I think you are being modest. Besides, I like what I see. So are we on for tonight?
Greg raises his head, trying to glance at the phone in my hand, but I wave him off.
‘Just arranging to meet up with Lisa again tonight. Don’t you dare say a word!’
Chapter 37
Elana
Is There Such a Thing as Just a Kiss?
The presents are wrapped, although I had to do it surreptitiously in the bedroom while Maya and Amelie watched Frozen for the umpteenth time. I swear I could sing that song from memory and get all the actions right without even thinking about it. In fact, this time last year it was another of the crutches that saw us through the festive season.
‘Time to take Amelie back home, now, Maya. Eve will be waiting.’ I call up to them and hear two instant groans.
‘But Muuuuum—’ Two pairs of feet clatter down the stairs, noisily.
‘Maya, it’s time. Pop your coats on, girls, it’s a cold wind out there.’
Sure enough, as we head down the steps to Hillside View, the wind blasts us with an icy chill. But as I look in front of me I can see that the front door to Eve’s cottage is ajar. Puzzled, I turn to look at the girls, who have run off and are chasing Maya’s scarf, which has been blown into the hedge. As they disentangle it, I walk down the last few steps while I’m waiting for them, to investigate.
As I push the door open a little wider there’s no one in sight, but I can hear loud voices and as I step inside the door I realise there’s an argument in progress. Hesitating, I look back at the girls, but they’re now trying to launch Maya’s scarf into the air, chasing each other around in circles. I’m about to retrace my steps when what I hear freezes me to the spot.
‘You keep trying to make this all about me, but I still remember that day I walked in on you and Niall. And don’t think I haven’t noticed you watching that builder guy. Are you that desperate for attention?’ Rick’s tone is furious as I try to comprehend the sickening words he’s throwing at Eve. I want to move, to make an exit, but my feet won’t move.
‘Leave Niall out of this. And Luke? Well, maybe if you were here more often I wouldn’t feel so isolated. It’s all about the money to you, isn’t it?’
Niall? Luke? I remember when Eve was talking about Luke and asked whether I had any feelings for him. It was an odd thing to ask and now I wonder if there was something a little more to it. But this is Eve. I know her, or at least, I thought I did.
Niall’s name echoes around inside my head. What did Rick mean about walking in on him and Eve?
The sound of the girls chasing each other up the path to the front door makes me spin around and I step back outside. Plastering a smile on my shocked face, suddenly Rick’s behind me and he pushes past, muttering an apology.
Eve appears in the doorway, looking distraught. One look at my face and she knows that I must have overheard the last bit of their conversation.
The squeal of tyres on the drive signals Rick’s escape and we exchange glances.
‘Elana, I think you’d better come in. Amelie, it’s time to get ready for your dance class. Perhaps Maya can pop upstairs and help you choose which leotard to wear tonight.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ Amelie throws her arms around Eve’s waist and then heads off with Maya in tow.
I’m standing here bewildered.
‘I wasn’t eavesdropping, Eve. But when I heard Rick mention Niall’s name I froze.’
She turns and I follow her inside, expecting her to ask me to take a seat. Instead we stand facing each other and I can tell by her body language she doesn’t know what to say.
‘What did Rick mean when he said he remembered walking in on you and Niall? What were you doing?’
‘He thinks he saw Niall kissing me, but it was a long time ago. And it wasn’t—’
‘Mum, I can’t find my blue one, is it in the ironing basket?’
Eve shakes her head in exasperation, as I will myself to remain calm.
‘I’ll get it for you now, Amelie. Sorry, Elana, can you just hold on one moment? This is impossible—’
Instead I call out to Maya.
‘Time to go, darling. Or Amelie will be late.’
‘Sorry,’ Eve whispers and her apologetic look seems sincere as I turn on my heels and leave the cottage.
You don’t think you saw two people kissing; they either were or they weren’t. Eve didn’t laugh it off, in fact, to me the look on her face was one of pure guilt. Is it true what they say, that we only see the things we want to see? What did I choose not to see?
***
I hear the sound of a car pulling up on the drive and I crane my neck out of the porch window. As I begin to pull back, Eve walks across on her way to my front door
. She’s dropped Amelie off at her class and come back to talk to me. I stand there, staring at the door and not wanting to open it. She rings twice, but I just can’t bring myself to reach for the handle.
‘Elana, please open the door.’
Her voice is just loud enough to hear and it’s clear she’s crying.
‘I can’t.’
Silence.
‘Please. Please don’t leave it like this; I need to explain.’
Reluctantly, almost like a robot, I watch as my hand reaches out in front of me. An eternity seems to pass as my hand turns the mechanism and slowly the door inches open. I’m appalled by what I see. Eve’s face is almost unrecognisable, puffy and red from constant crying. She keeps wiping her face with her sleeve, trying to stem the flow, but it doesn’t stop.
I turn without speaking and walk inside. She follows me through into the utility and beyond, into the extension, which is about the furthest away from the sitting room we can get. It’s a bare room we’ve never used and has always felt chilly and uninhabited. It’s home only to a few boxes of things we seldom use. I don’t want Eve in my home and I don’t want to know about her troubles. That sounds harsh after the support she’s given me, but this feels like a stab in the back and any friendship we had is over.
‘Say what you think you need to say and go. I don’t want Maya overhearing one word of this.’
I stare at her coldly; the tears that keep filling her eyes and brimming over leave me unmoved. I don’t know what she’s told Rick, but it’s all lies.
‘It was nothing, nothing at all. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault.’
I turn my back on her and look out of the window, peering out onto the garden and realise it’s snowing. Tiny little pieces of white floating in the air, as if someone has torn up a sheet of paper and sprinkled the pieces from above. All I can think about is how excited Maya is going to be when she sees it. Behind me, Eve has composed herself and begins speaking.
‘I can’t talk to Rick about it because … because he won’t understand and Niall was so kind to me.’
I spin around, anger beginning to replace the feeling of numbness.
‘My husband was so kind to you? And this is how you repay him? By lying about him? Well, I don’t believe you.’
‘It wasn’t like that, Elana, please believe me.’
‘Why try to destroy the memories I’m trying so desperately to hang onto? Is this some kind of sick attempt at trying to grab Rick’s attention and make him jealous? And were you also hoping to use Luke in the same way? I saw loathing in Rick’s eyes, so your little plan hasn’t worked.’
Eve can’t make eye contact, but I notice her tears have stopped. She’s agitated, running her hands through her hair as if she’s holding her head upright.
‘Rick and I had a blazing row and he’d walked out. Niall was comforting me, but there wasn’t anything going on, believe me. I wouldn’t do that to you, Elana. I know how strong your marriage was and I envied that.’
‘Enough to stand there and tell me my husband kissed YOU? Eve, you are no longer welcome here. Any friendship we had is over.’
I walk off and go upstairs, locking myself in the bathroom. Washing my face in cold water, I scoop up handfuls of it in an attempt to wash away my disgust, but it doesn’t help. As I dab at my wet face with a towel I look at the person staring back at me in the mirror. I don’t even recognise myself, the haunted look in my eyes is painful to see and I know what I have to do next. I go downstairs and dial Rick’s mobile.
‘Rick, I’m going to ask you one question and if you have any conscience whatsoever you’ll tell me the truth. What exactly did you witness? I need to know, because my life might be about to fall apart for the second time and I need you to think carefully about this. I’m only interested in the facts and not the jealous reaction of an angry man looking for an excuse to leave his wife.’
I can hear muffled background noises that indicate he’s on a motorway. The sound of a lorry’s engine grows in intensity for a few seconds and then begins to tail off.
‘I wouldn’t lie to you, Elana. I walked in on them in the kitchen and they were standing up close, kissing. After that, Niall avoided me. Eve and I had another blazing row and she refused to talk about it, saying he was merely comforting her. But I know what I saw.’
The only sound I can hear is my heart shattering into tiny little pieces, as real as if it is made of glass and has fallen to the floor. Gushes of pulsating blood squeezing through arteries pound away inside my head. My Niall, my lovely Niall was unfaithful to me.
I press disconnect and throw down the phone, letting anguish overtake me.
Chapter 38
Elana
I’m Broken and in Pieces
When you’re a mother you can’t give in. You can’t run and hide because the bottom has just fallen out of your world. You have to paste on a smile and function. And that’s what I did. I sat Maya down and asked if she’d like to go and stay overnight with Grandma Carol and Granddad Philip, as a treat.
Philip was surprised when I made the call, but sensed an underlying problem. He was kind enough not to ask about it and when they arrived and I waved Maya off, she was so excited about the thin layer of snow on the ground that parting was easy.
‘How much snow do we need to make a snowman, Granddad?’ I heard her asking as they walked up to the car. I shut the door, unsure of how much longer I could remain standing here without dropping to the floor.
I lay on the sofa, trying to sort it all out in my head, but it’s a jumble. Images of Niall when he was here, laughing together, loving together. We were like one; there were no secrets between us. How could there be? Wouldn’t I know if he’d really been unfaithful to me? But what if it was true? Was it just one kiss, or one of many? Was it a kiss that meant something? But, surely, every kiss means something, because it indicates that some sort of a connection has been made? Was it a kiss that led to something else?
Hours go by and it’s wine o’clock, but after three glasses I’m stone-cold sober. I try coffee next, but even the caffeine can’t help mask the pain. I can’t be alone right now. But I can’t ring Mum or Dad – how can I admit what’s happened? I no longer have a best friend and reaching out to anyone not within my inner circle isn’t an option. Everyone knew us as a couple, a happily married couple. This is Niall’s memory I’m in danger of dirtying, of degrading, when I’ll never know for sure what actually happened.
I cast around for my phone and eventually find it, at the side of the chair where it had landed. The corner of the case is broken but it’s still working. I look through my contacts and ring the person I want to speak to more than anyone else right now.
‘I need help. Can you come?’
***
It seems like hours since I made the call, as each minute stretches out endlessly. I’m too tired to think any more and too depressed to do anything. When the doorbell rings I’m not even sure I can face anyone and my feet head slowly towards the door, my hand hesitating before I open it.
Luke stands there, his face registering concern as he takes one look at me and steps inside. His arms are suddenly around me as he half-walks, half-carries me back into the sitting room. It’s gloomy, as only one side light is switched on, but even in the shadows I can see the look of shock on his face.
‘It’s okay. I’m here. You don’t have to say anything, just sit for a while.’
I couldn’t talk even if I wanted to and as he eases me down onto the sofa, he sits next to me with his arm around my shoulder. Eventually I drift off into a fitful sleep, a jumble of the past replaying in my head like an old film you’ve watched so many times the familiarity is comforting. When I wake I’m slouched against Luke’s chest, his arm still wrapped around me and the other holding my head up a little.
‘Sorry. That can’t have been comfortable for you. How long did I sleep?’
‘It’s half-nine now, so about an hour and a half. You were shattered.’
He doesn’t ask what the problem is. I don’t think I can tell him. I thought it would be easier if I shared it with someone who wasn’t a part of my life before, but once I say those words it makes it real. It won’t be Rick or Eve telling their lies. It will be me, Niall’s wife, giving it credence. But I still don’t know what really happened.
‘How much wine have you drunk?’
Luke takes in the half bottle standing on the table and the empty wine glass. ‘Was that it, or was there more?’
I shake my head. ‘Three glasses. I’m not drunk.’
‘Where’s Maya? I assume she isn’t here?’
‘No. She’s … with family.’ I can’t say Niall’s name; can’t even say she’s with Niall’s parents.
‘There’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere.’
There’s comfort in the gloom, comfort too in having Luke’s arm around me. Inside my head I’m screaming ‘Why me?’ And why now? Just when the pain was finally becoming almost bearable. Luke’s hold tightens slightly, as if he can feel the pain radiating out from the centre of me. My precious, wonderful Niall – all my memories now tarnished with doubt. What was real? Did I simply see what I wanted to see and remained blind to what might have destroyed us? But our marriage wasn’t like so many others, what we had was real – I know it!
In the early hours of the morning I think we more or less took it in turns to sleep, our heads back against the sofa, but still sitting close together. Luke’s own gentle snoring finally wakes him with a start and he apologises.
‘I wasn’t sleeping,’ I admit. I had been watching him, though, wondering how he instinctively knew what not to say. That requires maturity and I can’t take that quality away from him, even though he’s young in years.
‘It’s nearly three. You must be shattered.’
‘No. Wide awake. I need coffee.’
I get up and stretch, my body slightly stiff from the unnatural position I’ve been sitting in for several hours. Luke follows me out into the kitchen as I go through the familiar actions.
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