Maya rocks herself back into the bean bag, her attention beginning to wander.
‘Should I tell Daddy it’s okay if he talks to you, too?’
It’s so difficult to know what to say, as I don’t want to undermine something that, quite clearly, is important to her at the moment. Letting go of someone isn’t easy as an adult, so as a child it must be almost impossible to understand.
‘Yes, of course. But he’s always in my heart and I think of him every day, Maya. Nothing will ever change that.’
‘He said Luke is doing a grand job. I love our cottage, Mum.’
Her words send a chill through me. Maya doesn’t use the word grand, what child does? It was one of Niall’s favourite words. It stops me in my tracks for a moment, then I realise it was so much a part of him that Maya would have picked up on that.
‘I’m glad to hear that, darling. It feels really cosy, now, doesn’t it?’
‘Yes and I like Luke, too, Mum. He makes us both laugh, doesn’t he?’
What don’t children see? Much more than we often give them credit for, so I’m going to have to be very careful here. Luke is a very special person, and yes, I’d like to be more than just friends. Maya is right, we are both very comfortable whenever he’s here. He seems to fit right in as if he’s always been around. Then I remember that he’s very young; I feel like I’m a hundred years old and have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Is it wicked of me to accept comfort from him and pull him into our lives? He already has so much to deal with in his own life and here I am, thinking only about what I need. Of course I miss having a man in my life, being loved and feeling wanted, needed. What woman wouldn’t? But this can’t be just about me. Luke deserves to be with someone of his own age, not a widow who is ten years older and carrying a lot of very heavy emotional baggage. My conscience is ringing a warning bell. I just hope I’m capable of doing the right thing.
Chapter 44
Elana
Wishful Thinking
The mobile kicks into life.
‘How are you, today?’
Luke’s voice wraps itself around me like a hug and immediately a smile takes over, smoothing away my worries.
‘Five days to Christmas and I ought to be panicking and making last-minute shopping lists, I suppose, but instead I’ve been working. We had a difficult start to the day as Maya wants Amelie to come over and, to be honest, I still can’t face talking to Eve. I want to thank you for dropping everything to come to my rescue. You’re a gentleman, Luke. And you forgot to take your envelope with the cash in that I put on the side for you. If you’re free to pop round tonight, why don’t you stay for dinner?’
He chuckles and I realise that all came out in rather a rush, but hearing his voice really perked me up.
‘Money and dinner. Who could refuse?’
He sounds upbeat, so I guess his friend Greg didn’t give him a hard time about not showing up on the job.
‘What are you going to do about Eve and Amelie?’
I sigh.
‘I can’t avoid Eve forever, but it really hurts, Luke. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back. I’d prefer never to speak to her again, but I have to think about Maya. She’s too young to understand what’s happened, and then there’s little Amelie. It’s always the kids you feel sorry for, isn’t it? I mean, what sort of Christmas are they going to have?’
‘Look, you can tell me to mind my own business, but unless Eve is suddenly going to move out, you can’t avoid seeing her. Maya and Amelie will want to continue to spend time with each other, so somehow you have to at least re-establish contact. How about tonight, after dinner, I knock on Eve’s door and invite Eve and Amelie round? The kids can play and you can sort out some ground rules for how to move things forward. Like it or not, you live on each other’s doorstep and being so isolated doesn’t help matters. What do you think?’
I think that you are one of the kindest, most caring, guys I’ve ever met.
‘I’d appreciate that, Luke. The last meeting with Eve didn’t go well and I’ve been dreading bumping into her, to be honest.’
‘I know and that’s only natural. What time shall I come round?’
‘About six? We’ll eat first and then do the deed. Besides, Maya has a question to ask you.’
He laughs, and an image of his face flashes into my head, sending a flush of colour to my cheeks.
‘See you tonight.’
***
‘Luke, can we light the fire? Please?’
‘Maya, let Luke at least step inside before you start questioning him. Sorry, Luke, it’s all Christmas craziness here tonight.’
We exchange brief glances before Maya is pulling him off in the direction of the sitting room. I head into the kitchen to stir the Bolognese sauce.
‘Mum, Luke says we can!’ Maya comes dashing out of the sitting room, literally shouting at the top of her voice. Competing with Slade, and Noddy Holder belting out ‘… everybody’s having fun—’, she demonstrates that she has an amazing set of lungs.
‘Don’t shout, darling, I did hear you. You sure it’s okay, Luke?’
He appears behind Maya, his warm smile making my heart quiver just a little.
‘I’m sure it will be fine. It’s been dry and, unusually for this time of year, there haven’t been many frosts. That’s what really upsets drying mortar, as the ice crystals do the damage. I think we’ve been rather lucky with the weather and I’d say it was time to throw on some logs.’
Maya literally jumps up and down on the spot, clapping her hands in pure joy. She doesn’t notice the look that passes between Luke and me, as we think about the little letters sitting on the ledge. He cocks an eyebrow and I nod, giving him the go-ahead.
‘Right, Maya. Let’s go and take out the lights Mummy draped around the logs and find some fire-lighters.’
As I lay the table and listen in on the excited chatter coming from the sitting room, I realise that’s what makes this cottage feel like home. Much more than the beautiful new floor, and more than the Christmas ambience that I’ve tried so hard to create for Maya. Home is about the people in it and the memories to be made. Is it going to be possible to make new memories here with another man without feeling like I’m hurting Niall? And will Niall understand my reaction to Rick’s allegations? Listen to me – I’m doing what I’m trying to encourage my daughter not to do. To think that Niall is still here with us and that he will be a part of our lives going forward. Of course he will always be in our hearts, but the memories we make now will be solely ours.
‘Penny for them.’ Luke appears behind me, moving closer but stopping within reach. He wants to know where my comfort zone is and he’s hesitant. I step forward so that there are merely inches between us, finally staring up into his eyes.
‘You’re very kind, Luke. It’s so important to Maya that those letters go up in smoke in time for Santa to get the messages.’
‘I know. I hear you had the talk. Maya said that Santa can only think about presents in the run-up to Christmas. Just in case I didn’t know that.’
We laugh, a child’s-eye view reminding us that there is still magic in this world, no matter how serious it all becomes.
We want to touch each other, but we daren’t. This is not the time and the place, and we both know that. But the longing is so tangible that it wraps itself around us, tying us together like an invisible web. The smiles drop and it’s passion I see reflected in his eyes. He coughs, then turns, walking back into the sitting room and calling out, ‘Maya, can you see any flames yet?’
If I open up and let Luke into my heart, I know that he would love Maya as his own and that both Maya and I would welcome Joe into our lives. Could it be that simple? Is age meaningless when it comes to love?
As I start dishing up, my head is full of mixed emotions, as if it’s in overdrive. Thoughts and feelings tumbling over each other in quick succession. I shout out to Maya and Luke that dinner is ready, and as I carry the plates to the
table I stop, mid-step. Maya and Luke appear, also stopping in their tracks as they see the expression on my face. We all stare at the table and they, too, realise what I’ve done. Niall’s place is laid ready for Luke to take his seat. I snap out of my reverie and put the plates down.
‘Come on, guys, don’t let it get cold.’ My voice is too high and bright, like I’ve had a quick blast of helium, but they both take their seats and the moment passes. Maybe we are all ready to move on.
‘Delicious, Mum!’ Maya’s mouth is half-full and I put up a finger, to remind her not to speak when she has food in her mouth.
Luke looks a little uncertain; his eyes stray across to the other empty chair, the one he usually sits in. I pretend not to notice, but in my chest a sense of anxiety flutters, unbidden. New memories, Elana, new memories – that’s all.
Chapter 45
Elana
Someone Else’s Misery
Luke returns from next door with Eve and Amelie trailing behind him. Amelie is excited, cannon-balling through the door and off in search of Maya, totally unaware of the awkwardness between the adults.
Luke bends to undo his shoe laces and Eve gives me a nervous glance.
‘Thank you, Elana. Amelie has been going on and on, wanting to come over and see Maya.’
If she’s expecting me to pretend nothing has happened, then she’s in for a shock. I can’t do that, but I won’t let this affect our daughters.
‘It was Luke’s idea,’ I confirm. ‘Come into the kitchen.’
We sit around the table, rather awkwardly nursing our drinks. Luke has beer and Eve and I opt for wine. He sits between us like a mediator.
‘I know this is awkward, and I’m not trying to butt in, but there are two little girls in there feeling the magic of Christmas. Life isn’t perfect and both of them have had a tough time. It’s the same for me with Joe. My son deserves a proper family celebration and that isn’t going to happen, so instead both my ex and I have to make it special for him in our own way. I believe that this year it will mean a lot to both Maya and Amelie if they can spend time together, rather than being kept apart. At least that’s one thing in their lives that can function normally. Do you understand where I’m coming from?’
I don’t answer, but Eve nods. They both turn and stare at me.
‘First, I need the truth. Without that I’m tempted just to pack up some things and head off with Maya to my parents’ house for the entire period.’
Luke looks surprised, and maybe a touch disappointed with my belligerence. Eve looks frightened but, once again, nods her head. He looks from one to the other of us, then picks up his beer and walks off into the sitting room. Obviously punches aren’t going to be thrown, just possibly some rather harsh words.
Seconds pass and I know she wants me to say something, anything, but I keep silent. After a few minutes that seem to stretch out like an eternity, she begins.
‘It was a mistake. A silly, terrible mistake, Elana. Yes, it happened, but there was no intention … I mean, it wasn’t meant to happen. I was distraught, as it was the first time that Rick had threatened to walk out on us. Niall knocked on the door and took one look at me, then followed me back inside. He walked forward, I turned and he put his arm out to comfort me, that’s all. I heard the click of the front-door latch and as I turned to look over Niall’s shoulder to see who it was, our faces made contact. He jumped back immediately, but it was too late and Rick had already turned and hurried back outside. Niall looked at me in horror, Elana. Horror. I didn’t do it; I mean I didn’t get it in my head to kiss him, or anything. It wasn’t like that. Please, please believe me.’
Once more the tears run down her face, but I’m too emotionally drained to react.
‘And that’s it? There was no lead up to it before or any repeat of it afterwards?’
She pulls a tissue from the sleeve of her jumper, swiping it across her eyes and then mopping up the little collection of glistening wet before it drops off her chin.
‘Niall wasn’t interested in me. Before, or after. In fact, after that he never knocked on the door again. I only ever saw him briefly if I was dropping off, or picking up Amelie from here. We were both shocked and embarrassed, Elana. Trust me, it wasn’t planned or intentional.’
If this had happened to me, with Rick, would I have told Niall? Explained what had happened, even though he’d probably never find out about it? The answer comes back with an unequivocal yes. So why didn’t you tell me, Niall? Was there anything at all to hide?
‘And Rick – why let him linger under a false impression? Were you hoping he’d be jealous and that would make him stay with you?’
Eve looks appalled.
‘You think I used Niall like that? I did tell Rick what had happened, but he said I was lying and refused to listen. He thinks I was spinning a story and kept on and on about wanting the truth. The truth is that there is nothing else to tell. It’s not that I won’t talk about it, at all. It’s simply that he wants to believe there’s more to it. He wants me to say that I stopped loving him a long time ago, but that’s simply not true. I just want things to be right between us again, but I know he hasn’t been happy for a while.’
The irony of this situation is not lost on me. I want this to be true, and for his own very different set of reasons, Rick wants it to be a lie.
‘Luke is right, Eve. It’s important that Amelie and Maya have their friendship to help them through the holidays. We’re going to my parents’ for Christmas Day to make it a family occasion, and unless you and Rick can heal this rift, it looks like you and Amelie are going to be in a similar situation. Thank God for grandparents. But, in between, our girls are both going to be thinking about the one person who is missing, so we need to make it as happy a break as we can for them. Can we do that?’
If you were a true friend, Eve, you would have told me what had happened at the time it occurred, and I would have believed you. This far down the road I’m still not so sure. The fact that both you and Niall chose not to say a thing leaves a tiny seed of doubt in my mind. But maybe that’s because my pride is feeling a little wounded.
‘Yes. This is about the girls and not us,’ she agrees.
‘I’ve been through hell, Eve, and you know that. I wanted this Christmas to be a little easier and now this … it’s hard not to be angry with you.’
She shifts in her chair, anxiety written all over her face.
‘Oh, I know! I really do! This will always be the biggest regret of my life, because I know I’ve lost your friendship and trust.’
Luke reappears, his face registering that he heard Eve’s words.
‘Did you tell Eve about Amelie’s letter to Santa?’
‘I’m just about to. I can only hope our kids grow up with a positive attitude to relationships after what we’ve put them through.’
Luke walks over and places his hand on my shoulder.
‘We have no control over death, Elana. There’s nothing you could have done to change that.’
My heart cries out in the hope that it was an image of Maya and me in Niall’s head in that split second when his life flashed before his eyes. I couldn’t bear to think that wasn’t the case as he took his last breath and I don’t think Eve will ever really understand the damage she’s done. For that, I can never forgive her.
‘Daddy, my letters to Santa went up the chimney tonight. I asked Luke to check and he used the poker to run along the ledge thingy. There were only a lot of black curly bits that floated up into the smoke, so they’re really gone! Mummy and Aunty Eve were very sad again tonight. Amelie said her daddy isn’t coming home but he’s not dead, like you are. I tried to tell Mummy that you still come to talk to me but she didn’t understand. Please talk to her yourself, Daddy, because she thinks you’re gone and I know you aren’t. I love you, Daddy, a zillion billion and one.’
Chapter 46
Luke
Life is a Rollercoaster Ride
It was one of the worst nights of
my life and yet, within it was a moment of the purest joy and happiness I have ever felt. Maybe I’ll never get to feel that again and I now know the real meaning of bittersweet – two such powerful opposites, drawing you towards a precipice.
I knew Elana wanted to believe what Eve told her, but how can she ever really know for sure? Eve is devastated to have lost the trust of her best friend and I can’t see how that bridge can ever be rebuilt. Rick isn’t coming back and he’s already made that clear, so Eve broke the news that Hillside View will go on the market as soon as the conservatory is finished.
It’s strange, when I first came to work on this side of the valley my life was in a mess, and these two families represented everything I wish I’d had. Looking in on their lives, they seemed to have it all, albeit Elana was a widow. I just assumed she’d pick her life back up, having been left in a position where at least she didn’t have money worries to add into the mix. And Eve, well, she had the perfect home, husband and family. I find myself shaking my head; having seen their pain I wonder why life is so damned hard at times.
When Eve left and Maya was safely tucked up in bed, Elana came downstairs looking exhausted.
‘Do you think I have any chance of surviving this Christmas?’ She half-smiled and I knew exactly what she meant. ‘Keeping up a pretence that I’m on the mend and moving forward when my emotions are in a new state of turmoil, well, my parents aren’t fools. They’ll know something is wrong, but how can I give this any credence by repeating it? I don’t want their memory of Niall to be tarnished by any element of doubt.’
As her eyes welled up she stepped forward into my arms.
‘Don’t do this to yourself, Elana. It’s a form of self-punishment. You heard what Eve said and you have no reason at all to disbelieve her. Rick has his own agenda, surely you can see that? I think this might even be about something, or someone, else.’
Christmas at Bay Tree Cottage Page 20