by A. m Madden
“WHAT THE FUCK, LEILA?” Is she pulling this shit again?
“Jack…”
“Don’t Jack me. What the FUCK?”
“Jack, this wasn’t meant to be. I’ve changed my dreams to be with you. You’re denying a child to be with me. We are forcing things to happen that clearly aren’t supposed to.”
Reaching for her she pulls away. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t be the reason you won’t accept your child.”
“Holy shit! I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Ok, I’ll be there for the kid. Is that what you want to hear?”
“Yes, but I don’t fit into that scenario.”
“Yes, you do!”
“I don’t want to fit into it.”
“You don’t want me.”
“I’ve lost track of what I really want.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me.”
“I spoke to Evan. He reminded me how much I wanted to become a solo artist. He reminded me that I’ve abandoned all my dreams to be with you. I love you, but he’s right. I know in ten years, I’ll resent what I gave up and you’ll resent what you gave up.”
“What are you saying?”
“After the tour is over, I’ll be leaving the band. I hope Malcolm will still represent me so I can follow my dream.”
“You’re leaving me?”
She stares at the floor, avoiding my eyes. “This has to end.”
I viciously grab her upper arms, forcing her to look at me. Her eyes instantly well up with tears, spilling relentlessly as I continue to stare into them. “You said you wouldn’t leave me.”
“Let go of me.” She whispers through her tears.
“NO!” As she looks away again, I grip her tighter.
“Jack, you’re hurting me. Let go.”
I release my grip, but only slightly. “Leila, please don’t let her do this to us.”
“She isn’t doing anything. This is all me. This has been lying just under the surface. All Jessa did was help it to bubble up.”
“You regret being with me?”
She doesn’t respond and just sits numbly.
“You can flip a switch that easily? You can just turn us off?”
“No, I can’t. This is tearing me up. But I made a promise to my dad before leaving. I promised to be true to myself. I haven’t been. The more I convince myself things are just as they should be, the more life throws a fucking dart at our heads. Someone is trying to tell us something.”
“Who are you? I don’t even know who you are right now.”
“I’m still me. This is me, before you. I was motivated, determined, focused.”
This isn’t my Leila. She isn’t the same person. Something has seriously changed. She looks detached, distant, and cold even. She looks like a different person.
“You think I’m going to walk away? Fuck no…I’ll call Evan, I’ll call your dad, I’ll call whomever I have to, to talk some Goddamn sense into you.”
“It won’t change how I feel. I need you to stay away from me. I can’t be near you. I can’t let you continue to control me.”
“I’ve controlled you?”
“Yes. My heart, my head, my life. You completely took over and I need to take it back.”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”
She sits totally unfazed. She truly couldn’t give a shit that she’s cutting my heart out and feeding it to me for lunch.
“I need you. I can’t be without you.”
“You’ll get over me, and I’ll get over you…eventually.”
“Baby, we love each other. Nothing else matters.”
“Sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“Wow. You’ve basically decided our fate, and I clearly have no say in the matter.”
“I’ve decided my fate. My fate happens to align perfectly with the fate you are meant to live. More of the universe trying to tell us something.”
For the first time since being with Leila, I don’t want to be near her. I feel the walls closing in, her demeanor a slap in my face, her posture a knife through my heart. I feel like I’m drowning in my own blood.
Seeing my silence as an opportunity to twist the knife, she adds, “I think it’s best if one of us moves to the other bus.”
“One of us? Like me?”
“Unless you’d like me to go.”
“We need to be around each other. We need to perform together. We still have months left on this tour.”
“We don’t have to live together. You, yourself said to me you couldn’t possibly live on the same bus with me and not be able to touch me or be with me. I agree.”
“You really thought of everything. Amazing. I leave you alone for what, twenty minutes? And in that short amount of time you’ve rewritten our lives like it’s a fucking fictional novel.”
She doesn’t respond. She doesn’t move.
I continue to stare at her, willing her to come back to me. She finally meets my gaze, and there’s nothing there. Her eyes are still moist, but otherwise absolutely nothing.
Kneeling before her I desperately try one more time. “Leila, you are my world. I don’t care about anything else. I’ll do anything you want. You can do anything you want. Please, just don’t give up on us.”
“I can’t be who I want to be if I stay with you.”
“Yes, you can. I won’t stop you.”
“Jack, I totally lose myself when I’m with you. Unintentionally, you would stop me.”
“So this really has nothing to do with the baby.”
“It’s a combination of all that has gone wrong since we’ve started our relationship. The baby, her not wanting it, you not wanting it, me sitting in the sidelines as a culprit, my forgotten career. It’s become too much drama. I can’t take it anymore.”
She turns away from me. Then says, “It’s time I think of myself,” putting the last nail into my coffin, she adds, “you need to let me live my life.”
I’ve lost her. She’s gone.
“I love you. I’ll always love you, and I won’t stand in your way.”
I open the door and walk out of the hotel room feeling like the knife she used is still protruding from my chest.
de·spair -diˈspe(ə)r/
- noun – the complete loss of hope.
Synonyms: hopelessness, disheartenment, discouragement, desperation, distress, anguish, unhappiness.
-verb – to lose hope or be without hope.
Synonyms: lose hope, abandon hope, give up, lose faith, lose heart, be discouraged, be despondent, be demoralized, to resign one self.
You can go through life never really thinking about a word, its origin, its true dictionary meaning. I never gave the word despair a moment of thought. I never really had to. It’s not a word that’s presented itself in my life. I guess I can say I thought I felt despair during my college years, when my dreams of becoming a rock star were so far away, when I had absolutely no hope they would ever come true. But no, that wasn’t despair. That wasn’t the true word for word dictionary meaning of despair. That was more like the word immovable…stuck.
I did feel a touch of it the last time she pulled away from me, but even then, it pales in comparison to what I am feeling now.
This, what I’m feeling now, this is fucking despair. The despair I feel now is suffocating. It literally took hold of my chest in a crushing grip. It spills over everything like a toxic sludge that immobilizes me.
Our show last night in Spokane was the first show since she stabbed me in the heart. This morning, it was on every blog site that’s been following us, spreading like a pool of blood from a stabbing…my stabbing.
I made a lot of mistakes last night. I wish I could have ditched the show, but Hunter threatened to beat the crap out of me. I was actually torn, deciding which fate was worse. Seeing her on stage, or getting pummeled by my best friend. So I fueled up with tequila and appeared on stage drunk
for the first time in my singing career. It was a huge mistake, in hindsight. I spilled the beans to twenty-two hundred fans that she stabbed me in the heart. Every time she shared a mic with me, every time she looked into my eyes during a song, every time she walked towards me on stage, the knife she left wedged deep into my heart moved slightly. It moved just enough to once again cripple me with pain and for the hemorrhaging to resume.
The second our show was over, Leila stormed out of the arena and it took every fiber of my being not to chase her. I’m surprised with myself for giving up so quickly. I’ve threatened I would never let her go. But her eyes were void of all feeling, all the love I thought she felt for me. It was gone.
Remembering that void once again starts up the stabbing pain in my heart. I needed to extinguish the pain immediately. So I grabbed a bottle of booze and retreated to my bunk.
My new fucking home, with Dylan, Will, five roadies and our alternate drivers. This bus doesn’t have a bedroom in the back. Nope, only bunks, wide open, no privacy, no door, with just a curtain to hide you from other humans. I’ve developed a newfound respect for my buddies, who have been living this way for the past five weeks.
The guys were stunned yesterday. They had no idea how to act or what to say to either of us. Hunter said she hid in the back bedroom, completely avoiding them. He said the only time she communicated was during the rehearsal, which I ditched.
Jen for the most part has left me alone. When she called me before tonight’s show, she did throw out the predictable ‘I told you so’ and the ‘I knew this would happen’. I told her to fuck off and she quickly apologized. I asked her to pass the news onto Malcolm that Leila was interested in a solo career. I meant it when I said I wouldn’t stand in her way.
My sister, my mom, my dad, and Trini called, which I ignored. I feel bad I avoided Trini. Not only is she my ex-fuck buddy, but she’s also been a good friend to me. But I really didn’t want to talk to any of them. I did call Evan in a desperate attempt to get her back. I listened while he ranted, yet again. He said she is extremely upset and I need to respect her wishes. What a bunch of bullshit. He then said I was toxic for her, twisting the knife even further.
Whatever…
“Jack?” Hunter jerks open my curtain. “Really?” He says after eyeing my bottle.
“What do you want?”
He grabs the bottle out of my hand. I don’t even attempt to fight him. I’ll get more as soon as he leaves. “You’re coming with us.”
“Fuck off.”
“Let’s go.”
“Leave me alone, Hunter. I’m tired. I’d rather drink alone.”
“Jack, we have a night off and you are coming with us.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. I will fucking drag you out of here myself.”
My response is to pull my curtain closed.
Hunter yanks me out of my bunk with two hands.
“Jesus Christ, Hunter. Leave me alone.”
He pushes me out of the bus without resistance. I could easily pummel him through the ground right now. I just don’t have the energy. As long as this class trip includes alcohol, I guess I’ll be fine.
“Fuck.” I groan as my legs almost fail me twice, causing me to stumble like a drunk. Oh wait…I am a drunk.
“Move. The guys are around front hailing a cab.”
Catching a glimpse of the other bus sitting twenty yards away, my heart instantly pounds in my chest. Is she in there? Is she watching?
“Where is she?” I motion towards the bus.
Hunter stops to look at me. “She left in a cab right after the show.”
“Alone? Fuck, Hunter, she shouldn’t be going anywhere alone.”
“Jack, she left with Dylan.”
Another twist of the knife.
“Whatever. Where are we going? I look like crap.”
“Who gives a fuck what you look like?”
“Ugh, fuck me.” I groan pathetically. I have a killer headache, like someone jabbed an ice pick right through my temple. A soft groan causes my eyes to fly open. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“You invited me.”
Oh no. No. No. No. NO!
Fuck NO!
“Oh God.”
“Ready to try again? I’m extremely patient.” She sidles up beside me, her hands running down my body. “Well yay, it looks like you’re finally ready.”
“Don’t touch me.”
“You didn’t have a problem with me touching you last night, Jack. After you came in my mouth, you passed out. You owe me an orgasm.”
“You need to leave…now!”
I can’t even make myself look at her. I can’t remember her name, how she got here, or what the fuck we did last night. Frantically pulling on my jeans and t-shirt, I grab my phone and head for the bathroom. “Be gone when I get out.”
“You’re a prick.”
Locking the door I dial Hunter’s phone. “What did I do?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Who is this chick and why is she in my room?”
“Oh, fuck. You were alone when we dropped you off. I shut the door behind you myself.”
“I can’t remember anything. It’s like I blacked out. How the hell did she get here?”
“I haven’t a clue.”
“Hunter, I’m so fucked. I’ll never get her back now.” My anguish is clear in my words.
“I’ll be right there.”
Not even a minute later, there’s a knock on my door.
Hunter walks in and says, “Hey, Jeannie. It’s time to go.”
“What the fuck is going on with him? He invites me all the way over here, lets me in, lets me suck him off, passes out, and now kicks me out. I do not deserve to be treated like this.”
“Jeannie, he was really drunk. He had no clue what he was doing last night.”
“He was in a coma last night. The only reason I stuck around was because I was hoping to have some fun this morning.”
“I’m sorry. You really need to go.”
“Fuck off!” She screams, then the hotel room door slams shut with such force, it rattles the bathroom door.
“Jack, open the door.”
When Hunter sees me, he shakes his head. “Jesus.”
I’m sweating profusely and shaking uncontrollably. I barely make the toilet before I become violently ill.
“Jack, did you take something last night?”
“I don’t know. I can’t remember anything after we left the bar.”
“I cut you off last night. This isn’t just from alcohol.”
With that, I throw up again for the second time. Hunter grabs a towel, drenching it with cold water and throws it at me. Using it on my face, I feel another wave of nausea rake through me.
“Feel better?”
“No.” Trying desperately to remember what happened last night, panic takes over. “Hunter, I feel like I lost an entire night of my life.”
Hunter tries to help fill in the blanks. “We were at the bar. Three chicks were hanging around with us. Jeannie and you were getting it on and I told her to leave you alone. I said you just had a bad breakup. She responded that she was just the thing you needed. Trey uncharacteristically lost his cool. He threw a fit claiming he was the best of us, because he doesn’t allow a chick to drag him through life by his balls. He then left with one of the other girls. We ordered another round, but I cut you off. You stumbled to the bathroom and came back claiming you were sleepy and needed to go back to the hotel. So Scott, you and me left. I put you in your room and you passed out on the bed.”
“I don’t remember leaving, calling her, or her showing up. It’s a total blank.”
“She claims nothing really happened. That she only blew you and...”
“Hunt, that’s bad. Plus, I almost fucked her.” I completely lose it, as I slink to the floor watching Hunter watch me lose my fucking mind.
He lets me. He sits a
nd waits.
When there’s nothing left, I lift my head to look at him. “Hunt, I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t go on tonight. We need to cancel the show.”
“Jack, we can’t cancel the show,” he says, as he follows me out of the bathroom. “You need to snap out of it. She’s gone, man. You need to let her go.”
“No! I refuse to believe that.”
I crawl into bed, suddenly feeling exhausted. A bone crushing tired that takes hold of my entire body. I’ve never been this mentally or physically drained. The last thing I hear is, “Jack…Jack…”
The first vision that appears in my head as I close my eyes is of Leila walking away.
Chapter 12 - Leila
“Lei…Lei, open up.”
I open the door a crack. “What do you want, Hunter?”
“Let me in. I need to talk to you.”
“Not now.” I really can’t deal with Hunter right now. I’m spread too thin, and I’m about to crack at any moment. But the look on his face is hard to ignore.
“I need to talk to you.”
I open the door and he flies into my room.
“What’s wrong?”
“Sit.”
I sit stiffly in a chair in the opposite corner of the room and wait for him to explain.
“Leila, he’s losing it. He’s never acted this way, not even when he dropped out of school. He’s totally sabotaging himself.”
My emotions start to take control. My heart falters in my chest. I quickly rein it in, letting logic take over. “Hunter, he’ll get over this. With time, he’ll realize this is for the best.”
“For who, Leila?”
I look away before responding. “For both of us.”
“You’re lying. Don’t lie to me.”
“I can’t be the reason he never sees his son.”
“Son?”
“She’s having a boy.”
“Who told you?”
“Hunter, I really don’t want to get into this. I’ve made my decision.”
“Leila, you need to tell me. I can’t sit back and watch the two of you torture each other or allow him to destroy himself.”
“It has to be this way.”