“Wherein August lays his heart at our heroine’s feet, and prays she doesn’t stamp on it.”
Patience did not like to admit how relieved she was when Stephen bid them good day. He had a great deal to do before they married, by all accounts, including the purchase of an ordinary licence. It would mean that they could be married the coming weekend as he’d planned, without the Banns being called. That very weekend. Just three days away. Patience sucked in a breath as panic rose in her chest.
“Are you alright, Patience?” Caro asked, once they were ensconced in their parlour once more. Cilly had gone shopping with her friend, so it was just the two of them. The hesitant and rather frightened tone of Caro’s voice did not escape Patience, and remorse made her feel more unhappy and confused than ever. Poor Caro was afraid to talk to her now for fear of making her angry again.
“Of course I’m alright,” she replied, forcing an overly bright smile to her face.
“Don’t lie to me,” Caro said, her voice quiet and sorrow heavy in her eyes. “I know I’m not as clever as you, and I know you’re angry with me, but I’m not so stupid that I can’t tell you’re miserable.”
Patience let out a breath, torn between frustration and shouting at Caro to leave her alone, and wanting to cling to her and sob her heart out. In the end, she could do neither as the maid knocked and opened the door. “A Lord Marchmain to see you, Miss Pearson.”
Patience gasped, her heart leaping to her throat.
“See him in, please, Mary,” Caro said, before Patience could think of an excuse to send him away.
“Caro!” she exclaimed in horror. “What did you do that for? I don’t want to see him!” Her angry words were still hanging in the air as August stepped through the door, and it was clear enough that he’d heard them.
“I’ll give you two some privacy,” Caro squeaked, rushing from the room as fast as she could go.
“Caro, you can’t!” Patience exclaimed in horror as she watched her step-sister abandon her. “Send Mary in,” she called with fury. The last thing she needed was for Stephen to discover she’d been alone with August Bright, of all people. With a sinking feeling, she realised that Mary would never get the message. Caro wanted them to be alone together. For some reason, her step-sister didn’t want to protect Patience with the same fierceness that Patience had given to Caro’s happiness. The idea made her throat tight.
Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to turn and look at August, and her heart broke.
Whatever was wrong with him, whatever he’d been doing, it showed in the haunted look he wore. He was pale, dark circles under his eyes, and those eyes, whether emerald green or the colour of river weed, they had lost all of their sparkle.
“I’m sorry,” he said, sounding so uncertain and so far from the confident man she’d known that she wanted to shake him. He wasn’t supposed to be like this. “I haven’t come to … to cause trouble, only …”
“Only what?” she snapped, not sure her heart could take any more. She was in turmoil and all at once she wished she go back to being on the shelf. She had been quite content with the idea before this wretched man had come and stirred everything up. It was all his fault.
He hesitated, looking so lost now that she wanted to scream at him. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t who he was. Lord Marchmain was a rake, a libertine, he was supposed to flirt and seduce, to take nothing and no one seriously, and leave a trail of broken hearts behind him without a backwards glance. So why was it that he was the one that looked broken?
“I had to see you, Patience,” he said, something in his voice that made her want to cry.
“Why?” she demanded, wrapping her arms around herself. It was a warm day, but the room was cool, and suddenly she was icy cold.
He was staring at her, something that looked like desperation in his eyes.
“I don’t know,” he said with a shrug and a huff of laughter that didn’t sound the least bit amused. “I know I ought not be here, but …”
“But what?” The words were bitten off, her hold on her emotions so tenuous now that she was trembling.
August swallowed, never looking away from her. “You were right, you know. I did take your sister onto the terrace for every reason you suspected.”
Patience snorted and turned away from him. Like she’d needed to hear him say it.
“Only once I was there with her, I realised something.” He carried on talking and Patience closed her eyes. No. No. Don’t say it. If he said it aloud, she would begin to doubt everything. She would begin to wish, to hope for things that were impossible, nothing more that romantic dreams But he didn’t stop talking. “I couldn’t go through with it,” he said, the emotion in his voice evident now. “Not because I realised it was a terrible thing to do, or because I felt guilty, but … but because I realised that I wanted to marry someone else, someone that I loved.”
Patience tried to hold herself very still. Her hands were gripping her arms so hard she felt sure there would be bruises. Her throat ached and burned and the pain in her chest was so severe that she could hardly breathe. It wasn’t fair.
She was dimly aware of him crossing the room, moving towards her, and she tried to shake herself into moving now, into keeping the distance between them, but she had frozen herself immobile and couldn’t budge. She swallowed hard, determined that she not lose her composure, but tears fell down her cheeks in quick succession, hot against the chill of her skin.
“Patience,” he said, his voice little more than a whisper and so close that she knew he stood at her back. “I know I have no right to the words, no right to say them to you. I know that I’m not the kind of man you’d ever want or put your trust in, but … I’m in love with you, and I’m sorry, but I had to tell you.”
It was like a blaze of heat, the fury and pain that swept over her. Something snapped. She could not have said what exactly, the emotions so overwhelming that she felt afraid of herself. In that moment, she did not know what she might be capable of, only that she was on the edge.
“Why?” The word was furious, filled with rage as she spun around to face him, her cheeks wet with tears. “Why did you have to tell me? To make me miserable? To make me carry the burden of guilt for something I never intended and had no knowledge of?”
“No!” he exclaimed, angry now and real shock in his eyes at the accusation. “Not for that, no. Only …”
“Only?” she repeated, feeling somewhat hysterical now. She half hoped he’d slap her, or throw cold water over her, anything to try and regain some semblance of control. She almost got her wish as his own temper erupted. He reached out and grabbed hold of her upper arms, giving her a shake.
“Only that I’m going out of my bloody mind, Patience,” he raged, emotion blazing in those green eyes all at once. “I know you don’t love him. You can’t!” he said, his own fury matching hers now. “You can’t give a damn about him, not when you were so passionate when you were with me.”
Patience snorted, wanting to hurt him for causing her such pain and turmoil. “It was just a kiss, August. You of all people must understand that. It wasn’t a declaration, it wasn’t true love. It was … just … a … kiss!” Patience bit the words out, seeing the fury and indignation growing in his eyes.
“It was more than just a bloody kiss and you know it!” he raged, as she fought to break free of his grasp, but his grip was too strong and he wasn’t letting go. “I’ll prove it,” he snarled and suddenly she was hauled closer, pulled into his arms, and his lips pressed against hers, hard and angry and with no finesse whatsoever.
Patience hit him, her fist striking his chest as longing and desire bloomed in her heart. Oh no, she could not let this happen. She put her hands flat on his chest, intending to push him away, but her anger left her all in a rush, overwhelmed by the absolute rightness of the moment, of being with him. The tension eased away as his lips softened, his arms holding her gently now, though still as close to him as was possible.
&
nbsp; He drew back a little, breathing hard, his forehead leaned against hers.
“You see,” he said, though there was no trace of the masculine smugness that she might have expected, only relief. “You belong with me, Patience, not him. Does it feel like that when he kisses you?”
Patience remembered her disappointment when she’d accepted Stephen’s proposal and he’d kissed her for the first time. His kiss had been at once too hard and too wet and … just all wrong. She’d hoped that it was just that they knew each other so little, things were a bit awkward still, but … could it be more than that?
“And what if I do?” she said, her voice weary now. She felt exhausted, wrung out and scared to death. “What then?” she demanded, pushing away from him for real now. She couldn’t think straight when she was in his arms. He was too beautiful, too seductive. Her body would agree to anything he wanted, she knew that well enough, but this was her life she was bargaining with, and the life of any children that would come after. He’d never been faithful, he’d never cared for anyone but himself or been responsible for another … for anything.
“What then?” he repeated, his voice incredulous. “Then marry me, love. Break your engagement and marry me instead.”
Patience laughed, shaking her head. “Just like that,” she said with a wave of her hand, wondering if he had the faintest idea of what he was asking. “And what about the scandal, what about my family? Even if I could take the whispers and the snide comments, what about them? Why should they endure it?”
“Because they love you,” he said, obviously frustrated. She wondered if he’d ever been thwarted in his life before, if there had ever been something, or someone that he couldn’t have. She doubted it from his look of incomprehension. “They’d want you to be happy, wouldn’t they?”
“And you’d make me happy?” she flung back at him.
“Yes!” he exclaimed, closing the distance between them and trying to take her in his arms again. “I’d do anything to make you happy, Patience, if you’ll only give me the chance.”
Patience shrugged him off and moved away from him, determined to keep her distance while she fought to discover exactly what it was he wanted from her, what his intentions truly were. “For how long?”
“What?” He looked so adorably perplexed that she almost laughed. It just wasn’t fair that a man should be so damned beautiful.
“Will you still love me in a year?” she asked, wondering if he had the slightest idea of the risk he was asking her to take, to put her faith in him, to believe in a man whose reputation had been that of the kind you warned your daughters to stay far away from. “In two years, in ten, or will you get bored and go and find some pretty opera singer to warm your bed?”
“No, Patience …”
“What about if I was with child?” she kept on, stalking towards him with fury as he was the one who backed up now. “What happens when I’m too fat and too tired to accommodate your needs? Will you find someone less encumbered?”
“Patience, I wouldn’t …”
“Will you stop gambling?” she kept on, as he ran out of room, the wall at his back, and she drew level with him.
“Yes,” he said, the word simple and honest, the truth of it shining in his eyes. Well, he believed he meant it, at least, that was something. But what about when real life bit down, when familiarity had taken the novelty from married life and he found himself bored?
“Will you stop drinking yourself unconscious?”
He took a breath, holding her gaze. “Only if you’re with me, Patience. If you put your trust in me, I promise to do my best to be everything you need. I’ll be faithful, I swear it. I’ll not gamble or drink to excess.” He reached out his hand now, touching her cheek with his fingertips. “Don’t you see, love,” he said, his voice quiet now. “I want to change. I have for a while, I think, only, I couldn’t see it until I met you.”
Patience closed her eyes, as another tear slipped past her defences. She wanted to believe him so badly, wanted to throw everything up in the air and be reckless for once in her life, to snatch at her own happiness instead of worrying about everyone else, but that wasn’t her. How could she do that to Stephen, who’d been so kind, to Cilly and Caro, who would have to endure the gossip for months to come? And how could she, plain Patience Pearson, put her heart in the hands of a man who looked like a fallen angel? Women would want him even if his intention to be faithful was indeed sincere, they would tempt him away from her, and what on earth did she have that could induce him to stay?
“Please, Patience,” he said, and she didn’t dare look at him. The words were too raw, too stark with wanting. “You’re breaking my heart here.”
“Oh, stop it!” she cried, rushing away from him and flinging herself down in a chair, sobbing as her own heart broke, too. “Do you even know where we’d live?” she demanded, wondering why she was even asking. She couldn’t consider it. It was impossible.
There was an amused huff of laughter. “Give me a little credit, love,” he said, and she could hear him moving closer, though she still refused to look at him. “I have a house in Hampshire, near Newmarket.” Patience gave a huff and threw up her hands. Just what they needed, a race course on their doorstep.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he said, the words rushed now. “But my father ran a successful stud farm. My mother’s been running it in my absence, but … but it’s time I took things over myself.”
Patience looked up at him then, realising that he really had been thinking about this. He smiled at her, a tentative expression as he crouched down at her feet. “I think you’d love it there, Patience. It’s a very pretty house. My father built it and it’s all wonderfully modern and convenient. The gardens are lovely and you can walk for miles without seeing a soul. The countryside is the best in all of England,” he added, and Patience couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm.
“Oh, August,” she said, not knowing what to do, or what to say, but only that she had given a man her word. “I’m to be married in three days.”
“Three days?” he repeated, looking as shaken as she felt herself. “But why so soon? Why? You … You can’t!” He looked frantic all at once, one hand raking through his hair and a stubborn look creeping into his eyes. “I don’t care,” he said, his voice fierce now. “You can’t marry him, you don’t love him.”
“What has love to do with it?” she said, exasperated and exhausted. “How many people do you know who married for love?”
“We will,” he said, taking her hands in his and holding tight. “Please, love, please promise me you’ll think on it, at least.”
She gave a slightly hysterical laugh. “You think I’ll be able to think of anything else?” she demanded with indignation.
August smiled at her, though it was a half-hearted expression. “That’s my girl,” he said. He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers for just a moment, and desire leapt beneath her skin at even that slight brush of his lips. “Just remember, Patience,” he whispered. “Without you, I’m destined for ruin and destruction. I need you far more than you need me, I know that, believe me. But I’m a selfish devil and I won’t let you marry anyone else.” Patience stifled a sob and he gave her a wink. “I’ll will marry you, one way or another,” he said, his tone fierce now. “I’m not done yet, you’ll see.”
With that he got to his feet, and left her alone, and in turmoil.
Chapter 14
“Wherein August uncovers a dark secret.”
The moment August had gone, Caro rushed into the room and hugged her.
“Oh, Patience,” she said, a dreamy look in her eyes that was really quite revolting. “How romantic.”
“You were listening!” Patience exclaimed in outrage, getting to her feet as Caro snorted and returned an incredulous expression.
“Of course I was listening,” she replied, utterly brazen. “I wouldn’t have missed that for the world. It was better than any theatre production. Oh my, what a man,�
�� she said with a sigh. “You are lucky.”
Patience gaped at her and wondered if Caro had lost all grip on reality.
“Romantic? Lucky?” she repeated, a slightly hysterical edge to her voice. “Have you taken leave of your senses? I’m engaged to another man, Caro,” she wailed, hearing the tremble in her voice with dismay. “And he’s a good, dependable …”
“Boring.”
“Respectable …”
“Dull.”
“Nice!”
Caro made a noise of absolute disgust and Patience threw up her hands.
“There’s nothing I can do,” she shrieked, stamping her foot and growing perilously close to throwing things. “I’m engaged to be married.”
“So what!” Caro threw back at her, looking equally frustrated. “This is your life, Patience. You can marry the man you love or run for safety … and spend the rest of your days regretting it.”
“And what if I regret marrying the man I love?” Patience retorted, struggling to moderate her voice and not shout so that their maid didn’t hear the ruckus. “What if this change in him is merely an aberration? What if after the novelty has worn off, he returns to being everything we know him to be? What then?”
Caro shrugged, a rather less certain look in her eyes now. “Well, at least you’ll know. Surely that is better than a lifetime of wondering what might have been?”
Patience swallowed and shook her head. “Perhaps, if it was just myself to consider. But what if there are children, Caro? What then? And what of Stephen? He noticed me, Caro, he was kind to me after so long of being ignored.”
Caro eyes flashed with such a depth of fury that Patience was taken aback. “I never thought to hear you, you of all people, talk in such a way. You, who have always told me to value my own worth and not measure myself by a man’s approval, you would marry because you were grateful to have been noticed?”
Her step-sister was looking at her with shock now and Patience shook her head, infuriated to have her own words turned against her.
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