“I wish I could tell you, Mrs. Benson. I don’t know that there is a right way.” He looses a sigh. “I’ve made too many notifications, and it’s never easy. Just be honest, and be there for them.”
“Thank you, Officer . . . ?” I realize I don’t know his name. This man comforted me for the last hour, and I don’t even know his name.
“Walker. Michael Walker.”
“Thank you for your help, Officer Walker. I don’t know how I’m going to do this alone. I’ve never been alone.” As the word leaves my lips, it hits me. Alone. Yeah, I have the boys, but my husband is gone.
“We’ll tell them together,” Angie says from behind me.
The officer nods, gets in his car, and we head over to do the last thing in the world I want to do—tell the boys. I look at Angie, whose face is covered in black streaks. She loved her brother so much. He had so much love and support around him. So many people to talk to, and he chose this? I can’t get my head around this.
I wipe my face and then knock. Mrs. Malgieri opens the door. Her hands fly to her mouth as my eyes close again. “Oh, Presley.” She pulls me into her arms. “Please tell me he’s okay. We saw the lights and the boys said something was wrong.”
I remove myself from her embrace. If it’s hard to tell her, it’s going to be pure agony with the boys. My face falls as my eyes close. “Are the boys here? I-I . . .”
“I’m so very sorry, honey.”
This is going to be the first in a long line of apologies. “Thank you. I need to talk to them.”
“They’re watching television, but they’re very quiet and scared.” Her eyes fill with sorrow.
I hold my breath, trying to stay strong. “Thank you for keeping them.”
Logan must hear my voice, because next thing I know, he’s barreling toward me crying. “Mom, I saw the lights. Where’s Dad?”
I crouch down, grip his hand in mine, and see Cayden standing behind him, unmoving. “Cay, come here.” I extend my other hand.
He shakes his head as I battle all emotions I’m feeling. I have to be strong for them. “Cayden,” Angie says from behind me, unable to stop her steady stream of tears. “Come here, buddy.”
He heads into his aunt’s arms. They’ve always had a special bond, and I’m grateful she’s here for him. I look at both of them and decide right then that I can’t tell them everything. I don’t want to lie to them, but I have to protect their hearts. If they know this was his choice, I don’t know that they’ll ever recover. How could he not think they were worth living for? I won’t let them feel that.
“Boys.” I struggle to speak. “Your Daddy . . . his heart . . . it . . . it stopped . . . the paramedics, they tried so hard but they couldn’t . . .” I inhale slowly and deeply, trying to compose myself before I completely shatter their world. “I’m so sorry, babies. I’m so sorry, but Daddy went to Heaven.”
Logan’s arms drape around my neck as he sobs. I rub his back, trying to soothe him. I can no longer hold inside the agony I feel. I sob. We hold each other and he soaks my shirt. I look over at Cayden, who’s being comforted by Angie. He cries and shakes his head back and forth.
Logan pushes back, balling his fists. “He was upstairs! He has to be okay, Mom!” He shakes his head. “He . . . he’s . . . he’s strong, and the doctors need to try harder!”
“They tried, buddy.” I attempt to pull him into my arms, but he moves so I can’t grab him. “Th-they tried . . . so many times.” I fall apart as I watch my son grapple with the truth.
“Try again!” Logan screams as he rushes out the door and across the yard. “He needs help!”
Cayden doesn’t say anything. Angie tilts her head, letting me know it’s okay for me to go after Logan.
“Dad!” Logan calls out as he reaches the front door. “Dad!” he screams as tears fall down his face. “Daddy! No . . . no, Daddy!” He heads toward the stairs, but I grab him before he can get that far.
My heart breaks into a million pieces. I pull him into my arms as he fights to get out. I don’t let go, and he doesn’t stop attempting to get where his father last was. He cries and calls out for Todd, struggling with his grief. With each scream, I cry harder. After a few minutes, his screams stop, he turns into my chest, and his body goes limp. I hold him tight and murmur words that are useless in this moment.
“H-he can’t be gone, Mom. He . . . he was supposed to help me with my project. He promised. He wouldn’t break a promise.”
I kiss the top of his head, rocking to soothe both of us. “I know, baby. I’m sorry.” I sit on the hardwood floor, staring at the ceiling and wishing he would come back. If this could all be a joke, then I could put my boys back together. I could fix this. Hearing their cries is killing me.
“Make him come back. Please, please, just make him come back.” His voice cracks as he begs.
If only I could. God, if only.
Cayden and Angie make their way to the front door. They both wrap their arms around Logan and me on the floor. We hold each other in the hallway, each trying to find some comfort. Time passes, darkness falls, but we stay huddled and take turns crying.
Eventually, we move to the living room. I call my parents, telling them to come here right away. Angie calls her parents and brother in Florida. I can hear my mother-in-law’s screams through the phone.
Getting through the next few days is going to take a miracle. Everyone is on their way while we try to get from one minute to the next.
Cayden and Logan won’t leave my side. We’re curled up on the couch, each on one side of me. They barely speak. The television is on, but no one is watching. Each of us drowning in our grief.
Angie makes some soup, but I can’t eat.
“What happens now?” Cayden asks.
“What do you mean?”
My tears have finally dried. I don’t have any left. I’m numb and lost.
His eyes are filled with fear. “Will we have to move? Do we get to see Daddy again?”
“No, honey, we won’t have to move. I have to make arrangements, and we’ll have a service for your dad.” I don’t know how to answer him about seeing his father. “I’m not sure if you’ll see him again, baby.”
“Oh.” He looks away despondently. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
“Sorry? What could you be sorry for, sweetheart?”
Cayden’s green eyes close as a tear falls. “I should’ve gone upstairs. I could’ve—”
“No, baby. This isn’t anything you could’ve stopped.”
Logan sniffles. “I sat here playing video games, too. Dad needed us.”
“Boys.” I get up, turning to face them. “I need you to listen to me.” I wait for them to acknowledge me before I continue. “You did nothing wrong. You couldn’t have saved him. Do you understand me?”
Neither says a word—they just cry. And the tears I thought dried, become rivers down my cheeks. Why, Todd? Why?
“I’ M SO SORRY FOR YOUR loss,” says a nameless face who is standing in front of me after the burial. Everyone is nice, all sympathetic, but I don’t care. I’m sure they’re sorry. They all wish me and the boys the best. But I see the pity in their eyes.
Maybe it’s my paranoia, but I hear their whispers to each other on why it was a closed casket when it was a heart attack. I feel their gazes as they watch me stand motionless over the gravesite, unable to place my rose there.
If they only knew. They didn’t have to take the call from the funeral home saying they couldn’t cover the bruises or ligature marks. They don’t understand the way my heart clenches each time someone asks how he passed. The bitter lie I utter. They’re all praying for us, and I’m praying they leave us alone. I shake their hands and allow their hugs, but I’m empty.
More people leave, but all I focus on is the body lying in the casket.
“How could you do this?” I grasp the flower in my hand. “How could you think this was the answer?” The thorn pricks at my skin. “We had a life. We had a family.” A tear f
alls. I look around and see Angie by her car and my mother standing by hers. Cayden and Logan sit in the car with my daddy. He’s been the only person they want to be around. Cayden still won’t speak much, but Logan won’t stop. They’re coping—barely.
Everyone gives me some time alone as I bid farewell to my husband.
“You’re really gone.” I brush my hand across the smooth wood casket, rubbing my fingers back and forth. “I feel so many things right now. I guess this is goodbye.” My voice cracks. “I guess this is where I leave you and the life we had in the ground.” I catch my breath. I lift the rose and place it down. The single rose stands apart from the rest, which sit in a pile. “Goodbye, Todd.”
Tears fall, and my knees give out. My hand rests against the wood as I sob.
Minutes pass, and my tears dry, but I can’t move. When I leave this place, it’ll be the end of us. He’s been gone for a week, but this will really be it.
“You ready, sugar?” Mama asks. She squats before taking my hand in hers.
“No,” I say, staring at the hole in the ground where my husband’s body will rest.
“You’re going to be okay, Presley.” She leans back and reassures me, “I know it’s hard, but you’re a strong woman.”
I look at my mother, begging with my eyes for her to give me something to help with the pain. “Mama?”
Her lips purse as she rubs the side of my face. “I can’t take this away from you. Lord, how I wish I could.” Her eyes fill with moisture as her hand drops, gripping each of mine. “You’re strong, though. You always were the strongest of all of us. Not many have the guts to chase something they want. Look at what you did. Moving on, going to school, makin’ something of your life.”
“Look where that got me.”
“Hey, now.” Her stern, Southern voice leaves no room for debate. “You got those boys. You have a home, a business, and you’ve done well for yourself. Things that you might not have if you’d stayed on the ranch. You couldn’t wait to get out of Bell Buckle, and while it wasn’t the way you planned, it led you to Todd. That man loved you all more than anything. He didn’t leave this world or you willingly.”
I can’t stop the hysterical laugh that escapes me. My chest constricts as I feel the first twinge of anger. I stand quickly while balling my fists at my side. “Mama, if that were the truth I—” I stop, realizing that I almost told her that it wasn’t a heart attack. “Let’s just go.”
“What aren’t you telling me?” She stands slowly with her eyes never leaving mine.
“Nothing, Mama.”
“Don’t lie to me, Presley Mae. I know when you’re hiding something.”
Her eyes study me. She’s one of those women who sees too much. She was always able to tell if my brother, Cooper, and I were lying. That is, until I started dating. Then it was a whole new world. I perfected telling half-truths and leaving out details she didn’t need to know. “There’s nothing worth repeating.” I release her hand and walk to the car. This isn’t the end of it, but I’m not ready to tell anyone yet.
Thankfully, my father doesn’t say a word as I climb in. Our relationship suffered when I left the ranch. He hoped that Cooper and I would run it together. His was not a dream I shared. There was a lot of anger when I decided to go to college out of state. Daddy refused to help contribute anything for school, and when I said I wasn’t coming back . . . he was livid. Bell Buckle was like living in a vacuum cleaner. It sucked the life out of me. I wanted more. I wanted it all.
“Mom?” Cayden’s small hand rests on my arm.
“Yes, buddy?”
“Why did God take my dad?”
My shoulders rise and fall as my head shakes. I answer him with as much honesty as I can—as though he’d asked why his father killed himself. “I don’t know. I really don’t. Sometimes things just don’t make sense. Sometimes we never have answers to these questions.”
I hear Logan sniff and then say, “I miss him.”
“I miss him too, baby. You have no idea how much.”
Cayden leans his head against my arm and I kiss his hair. This one event will shape so much of who they are. For all my father’s shortcomings, he loved me so deeply. His determination to fight for what he believed in is what I learned from him. But Daddy always told me and Cooper that anything worth fighting for is worth everything you have. He wished I didn’t want to run as fast as I could out of Tennessee. I’m sure he still hasn’t forgiven me.
“Sometimes, boys.” My father’s deep voice cuts through the silence as he continues, “There’s no comprehending why things happen. People leave you before you’re ready for them to go, but you have to keep livin’.” I can’t help but think he’s also talking about me. His green eyes stare at me through the refection in the rearview mirror. “That doesn’t mean you won’t miss them though.”
“Daddy.” I start, but he shakes his head, stopping my words.
“And you’ll always love them. No matter what.”
I squeeze my hands together and close my eyes. Daddy is a man of few words, but when he speaks—people listen.
My mother gets in the car with disappointment rolling off her. There’s so much to be said between all of us. Years of disappointment and resentment hang in the air. Right now, though, I don’t care about any of it. I can’t see past my own anguish.
I look at my sweet boys. I see their pain and wish I could take it away. But I can’t. All I can do is let them know that they have so many people here who love them. People who will always be here. Even if their father didn’t think we were worth living for. “I want you to know something. We all love you boys . . . so much. Nana and Papa, Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Angie, and of course, me. You’re surrounded by people who would do anything for you.” I glance at my father, hoping he’ll hear my message to him. “Loving someone doesn’t stop just because you don’t see them any more.”
Both boys nod and busy themselves with their video games. As much as I hate those things, I’m grateful the boys can get lost in them for a little bit.
We return to the house, and I head to my room. Logan and Cayden convinced my parents to take them to dinner, so I’m alone for the first time since Todd . . . died. My mother never eats out. Everything comes from scratch. Cooking is her true love. Getting her to agree to let someone else touch her food is not an easy feat. Those boys know how to get what they want.
I flop on the bed with my black dress still on. Black. That’s how I feel—void of any light or color.
I stare at the bathroom door. I rise and my feet move of their own accord to the place where he was last. My knees touch the cold tiles, then my hands, before my entire body presses against the floor. I’m so cold, but I don’t move. Needing to feel close to him, my body touches the last place he was. “We had so much left to do, Todd. We had children to raise, vacations to take, and love still left to make. Our time wasn’t up. You promised me forever.” I curl my legs. “Forever wasn’t over. I’m still here, dammit. What do I do now, huh? How do I keep this home together? You’ve set fire to every part of our life! You’ve killed me alongside of you!” I shout as cries shudder through me. My chest heaves as I cling to my legs. “I’m so mad. I’m so confused. No note? No explanation why? Fuck you! I needed you! I gave up everything for you and then you do this? I hate you right now.” I close my eyes, allowing the tears to leak out as I fall asleep.
“Presley.” A familiar voice causes my eyes to open. “Presley, honey, wake up.”
I pull the covers over my head. “Go away. I don’t want to talk to anyone.”
It’s been a little over a week since the funeral. Eighteen days since Todd took his own life. I alternate between being awake and angry and sleeping. That’s all I can manage now. I know I’m not providing what the kids need, but I can’t find my way through the fog. There’s nothing guiding me. The haze is too thick, and my heart is too heavy.
“Too bad.” Angie rips the blanket off. “You’ve been asleep for a while. My parents
are downstairs. They’d like to see you before they head to the airport.”
Fighting her on this is pointless. I grumble as I get out of bed, throwing on my oversized sweater and squeezing my midsection.
We descend the stairs as they both give me sad smiles. My mother-in-law’s eyes are puffy from all the crying she’s done. She doesn’t want to leave the boys and me—or Todd. She’s gone to the gravesite every morning. “We can’t stay any longer. I wish we could, honey,” Pearl says.
“I understand.”
My father-in-law steps forward, “Presley, there are a few things you’ll need to take care of. The insurance agent that I set Todd up with called. You’ll need to get in touch with him first thing tomorrow. If you have any questions about any paperwork, call me.”
I nod.
“Thank you, Martin. I appreciate it.” He and Angie are the only ones who know the truth surrounding Todd’s death.
“You come visit with the boys, okay?” Pearl’s eyes tear as she pulls me into her arms. “We love you all very much. I’m just . . .”
I console her before Martin pulls her back. “We’re always here for you. You’re like our own daughter.”
“Thank you.”
Cayden and Logan rush over to them, wrapping their arms around their grandparents. “I’ll miss you, Grandma.”
They say their goodbyes and I make my way to the couch. Angie heads over with a mug of coffee to where I sit. “Here. Drink it.” I take it in my hands but can’t muster the strength to take a sip. “Boys, can you go play in the back for a few minutes?”
I glance at their faces, taking in the small smiles I haven’t seen recently as they head out the door.
“I’m going to say this to you, and I need you to listen.” Angie sits next to me. “Know that I love you.”
My eyes meet hers. There’s a dark rim around her blue irises. The bags under her eyes are darker than I remember.
“Presley?” she says, breaking my trance.
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