We move toward the barn and the quiet erupts in cheers and clapping. The whole town is here. I look over at Zach and he smirks. This is what country life is like. Had the tragedy I endured in Pennsylvania happened here, it would’ve been an entirely different scenario. My home would’ve been filled, food overflowing, and I would’ve never had time to be alone.
My father takes Cayden from Zach and squeezes him. Guilt and regret fill me. I robbed my father and mother of so much time with the boys. They never got to see them grow up, and for that I’m sorry.
“Mom!” Logan rushes out as soon as he hears the commotion. “Cayden!” He pivots, rushing toward his brother, and they fall to the ground.
My hand flies over my mouth as tears fall. As much as I don’t think I would survive, we would’ve lost Logan too. His brother is his world. They have a bond like no other. Logan finally releases Cayden and finds his way over to Zach.
A hand rests on my shoulder, and I turn to find my brother covered in dirt and sweat.
“Pres.” Shame layers his voice.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I should’ve been watching them better.”
I place my hand on his. “I know you would never hurt them.”
He draws me into his arms, kisses my cheek, and ducks his head into my neck. My brother doesn’t cry, but he shakes as he holds me close. I can only imagine how scared he was too. Knowing that he had them in his care, that I’ve lost everything, and how it would’ve destroyed all of us if we lost Cayden.
“It’s okay, Coop.”
He shakes his head and releases a sigh of relief. “I’m going to get the horses ready for tomorrow.”
Which is his way of saying he’s still emotional.
“You should do that.”
People hug us, get to meet the boys, and chastise me for not coming to see them. It’s a long night, and the boys finally head to bed. Mama and Daddy escape not too long after them. As exhausted as I am, I can’t imagine sleeping.
I migrate to the back porch to watch the sun come up. Today is a new day. I need to remind myself of that.
Each time the sun rises, I choose whether or not to dwell in the darkness, and so far I’ve been choosing wrong. Todd made his own decision, but that doesn’t mean that my life can’t find new light.
I sit on the porch swing swaddled in a blanket with faith that we can start to heal. I know it won’t be easy. There’s a lot of things I need to come to terms with, but last night reminded me that I still have people to try for. The boys, my parents, my brother, Grace, Zach . . . I think about him.
How he makes me feel. How he’s always made me feel.
“Hey.” Zach peers at me as I shake off my thoughts. “I figured you’d be asleep.” He climbs the steps slowly as I get to my feet.
“I figured you’d be gone.”
I walk toward him, unsure of why he’s here. “I left for a bit, but wanted to come check on you.”
“Oh.”
He snickers. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Me either.” He’s close enough that I can smell his cologne. Even after a long night, being in the woods, he smells like home.
I take another step.
Then another.
I’m so close I have to tilt my head to look into his eyes.
I breathe him in, feel his heat, and I can’t stop myself. I want him. I need him. I grip his neck and yank his mouth to mine. I kiss him. I kiss him and give in to everything I’ve been feeling. He doesn’t waste a second. His arms wrap around me, holding my body against his. My fingers grip his neck, keeping him exactly where I need him. This kiss is frantic, but God it feels good.
His tongue presses against my lips, and I gladly open. As soon as our tongues collide, I’m done. I lift myself into his arms and his hands cup my ass. He holds me as we go at it like teenagers. We break the kiss when Zach slams my back into the post, but I dive right back in.
I need this kiss. I need him to remind me of the woman I am. I’ve loved him my whole life, and I need to be loved right now. He moans into my mouth, and I feel it in my core. I want to drown in him. We kiss and claw at each other. I have no sense of time or anything that’s not him.
After God knows how long, Zach cradles my face in his hands and pulls back.
My chest heaves as we both stare into each other’s eyes.
“I—” I don’t know what to say. I assaulted him, and the last time he kissed me, I slapped him. Now I’m leaping into his arms? Shit. What am I doing? “I’m sorry,” I say quickly and slide down. “I don’t know what the hell that was. I can’t believe . . .”
He sighs while looking around. “I couldn’t—I mean.” He runs his hands over his face. “I can’t.” Another pause. “I can’t do this.”
“I know. I don’t know what I was thinking,” I try to explain. “Tonight was just so much, and I’m clearly not thinking straight.”
He takes a step back and puts his hand up for me to stop. “That’s not what I can’t do.”
I’m confused. “What can’t you do?”
“Pretend. I can’t do this with you. You know why.”
“Know what?”
“Ask me why again, Presley,” he demands. “Ask me why she isn’t my wife. Ask me why I didn’t propose to her!”
My heart races, and my mouth goes dry. He steps toe to toe with me. His deep blue eyes, light brown hair, and scruff take my breath away. Zachary Hennington has always been the man who ties my stomach in knots. “Why?” The word falls from my lips before I can stop it.
The wind whips my hair around and the chill in the air causes goose bumps. “Because when you came back, I knew. I knew that I could never look at another woman like I do you. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. I’ve always seen you, Presley.”
“But you’re still with her.”
“No,” he says. “Not anymore. It’s not fair to her, even if you tell me you don’t feel the same. Even if I walk away tonight knowing there’s not a chance in hell of us ever being something . . . I’ll wait for you.”
My lips part and my stomach squeezes. “But—” I grapple with what he said. “You and her . . .”
He runs his hand across my cheek. “It’s over. I’m going to end things with her as soon as it’s not the middle of the night. She’s not the girl I want.”
“Zach,” I say hesitantly. “You don’t know me anymore. I’m damaged. I’ve been through hell, and I’m not even a piece of the girl you knew. I mean, if you don’t want to be with her because she’s, well, her—fine. But not because of me.”
“I don’t want you to say anything. Just know that I mean what I said.” His fingers fall as he leans in and kisses my forehead. “It’s not because of you, Presley. It’s because it’s always been you.”
He turns and walks away. Leaving me more torn up than the last time he left me. Now it’s my choice. And I have no earthly idea what to do.
“M OM.” I HEAR CAYDEN SAY from my door.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can I lie with you?”
It’s the second night this week he’s found his way to my room. “Of course.” I lift the covers and he climbs in.
Cayden rests as I brush his hair back. Cayden suffered with night terrors, and the only way to get him to sleep was to lie in his bed until he finally passed out. Todd could never soothe him for long enough, so I was the one who ended up cuddling with him. When they were little, I used to wish their time away, I wanted them to talk, walk, and feed themselves. Now, I would give anything to have those moments again.
His breathing evens out. “I miss him,” he says in a hushed tone.
“Who?” I ask, even though I’m fully aware of who he means.
“Dad.”
“I know you do.”
I’ve been trying so hard to rid myself of the anger that festers inside me. Knowing that we could’ve avoided this pain makes it damn near impossible to let go. It’s so hard to reconcile. There were no warning signs
that this was what he was planning or even considering. I look back on the period of time when he was out of work, and I blame myself for being so oblivious. I should’ve known. I was his wife, his partner . . . I wrestle with my guilt every day.
“Was he sick?”
And this is the part I hate.
“No, not that we knew of.” I dance around with half-truths. I would say that to some extent he had to be sick. But that’s not what Cayden is asking me.
He turns over and faces me. His big green eyes are so full of innocence—innocence that I’m trying so desperately to save. The world is full of ugly truths; children shouldn’t have to be burdened with them.
“I want to go back home,” he says with tears in his eyes. “I miss my friends and my room. I miss Aunt Angie.”
“I wish we could. I really do.” I kiss his head. “I miss her too. But this is our home now. You have to focus on the good things about Bell Buckle.” I’m preaching to the choir.
“I like my horse.”
“See?” I smile.
“I like Uncle Cooper and Wyatt. He’s really funny.”
“He’s something all right.” We both laugh. “He’s been my friend since I was a baby. Did you know that?”
Cayden’s eyes widen. “He knew you when you were young?”
“Hey,” I chide. “I’m still young.”
“Whatever you say, Mom.”
I tickle his sides, and he giggles without restraint. That’s a sound I miss. Even now when they laugh, it seems like it takes them effort. “I’m twenty-nine. Say it,” I continue.
“No, you’re not.”
“Say it or suffer the wrath of my tickles.”
Cayden squirms and laughs as he refuses to say it. Finally, he gives in. “Fine! You’re twenty-nine.”
I lie back as though I’m exhausted, letting out a huff. “You’re so sweet to say such nice things.”
“In your dreams, Mom.”
“Turd.”
We both laugh a little and then settle down.
This right here feels normal. It’s like having my life back. Being silly, laughing, and being in the moment. We need more of this. I need more of this. I’ll never be able to go back to who I was, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. These boys, they’re my happiness.
“Mom?” Cayden says after a lull of silence.
“Hmm?”
It takes him a second before he responds again. “Can I ride today?”
I lean on my side. “Your horse?”
“Yeah, do you think we could ride together?”
It’s the first time he’s asked me to have any part of his horseback riding. He usually asks Cooper, Daddy, or Wyatt. I figured he needed some male bonding, and they’re all “real cowboys.”
“I would really love that.”
“Wyatt said you used to be a really good rider.”
“Used to be?”
“He said now you suck.”
I have to hold back scolding him because this is probably the most this kid has spoken to me in months. He’s been so distant, so closed off, and refused to let me in. The last thing I want is for him to shut down again.
“I won a lot of rodeos.”
He gasps. “You rode a bull?”
“No,” I say on a chuckle. “I did barrel racing.”
We spend the next half hour talking about what it was like when I was a kid here. I tell him about the creek and some of my favorite things to do. We talk a little about Wyatt, Zach, and Trent. He asks a lot of questions, and I enjoy answering them. I’ve been close to both boys, but Cayden has always been a tough nut to crack. I pray this is a turning point for him—and me.
“Presley,” my mother calls from the kitchen. “Can you run into town and pick up some things I need?”
Despite not wanting to, I could never say no. “Of course.”
I grab her list and my keys. The boys are off with Wyatt and Cooper mending fences or something. I love how much the men in my life are stepping up and taking my boys under their wings. Trent took them for a ride in the police car the other day, now all I hear from Logan is how he’s going to be a sheriff. God help me.
I arrive at my first stop where I’m enthusiastically greeted by Mrs. Rooney. “Presley!” she rushes toward me. “Your mama said you were coming, and I’m just tickled to see you.”
“I saw you the other night.”
“Yes.” Her lips turn up in a smile. “But so much has changed.”
I have no idea what changed in two nights, but this is Bell Buckle. I have two choices, play into the insanity of small town gossip, or get what I need and leave. I go with option two. “I need to get some flour and chocolate.”
“Are you baking a cake?”
“My mother must be.”
I look at the rest of the list and realize she needs the oddest things. “I hear Zach is quite the hero,” she says offhandedly.
Here we go. I knew it wasn’t going to last long, but the last time I saw Zach was two days ago, and I haven’t heard a word since. It’s not like I expected to, but at the same time he sounded so sure. Maybe he and Felicia are more than he let on. Either way, I don’t want the entire town thinking we’re getting back together.
“He did find Cayden, but you already knew that.” I smile as she nods. “Do you have the chocolate back by you?” I look around, but there’s so much stuff, I can’t find anything.
“It’s right here, dear.” She walks around and reaches for the bag. “Have you been able to thank Zach since then?”
If I hadn’t known this woman my entire life, I might have told her to mind her business. However, my mother would tan my hide if I ever did—thirty-five or not. “I really should get going.”
“Of course.” She gives me a knowing smile and takes her time at the register, talking about her kids and the new items she’s getting at the store. I listen and pray I can get out of here before the sun goes down.
After a few minutes and a lot of questions, I’m all checked out. “Thanks, Mrs. Rooney. I’ll see you soon.”
“You make sure of it. Also, be sure to give Zach a call. I hear he’d love to see Cayden. Careful getting home now.”
I let out a short breath. “I will.” She can interpret that answer however she’d like.
I get what Mama needs from the other two stores and get in my car. Once there, I take a moment to bang my head against the steering wheel. “Stupid Zach,” I say, repeatedly working out my frustration—on my face. I stop once I feel a little better. It’s the same questions with each person. “How’s Zach? It’s so great to see you two together again. Have y’all thought about getting back together? You two were always destined for each other.”
They’re all killing me slowly.
I put the car in reverse but stop when I see that damn truck parked across the street.
Well, I’m not going to cower over here. He can see my car. I back out and see him looking at me in my rearview mirror. My heart stammers as I look back, but instead of giving into the nerves, I wave as I drive off. I don’t understand how he could say all of that and not even attempt to talk to me, it makes no sense. I literally threw myself at him. My stomach clenches when I think about the things he said. In my heart, I want all of it to come true. But I’m not the one who made a ton of promises. It’s time for Zach to decide if he’s willing to chase me.
Working at the ranch is by far not my dream job. I would love nothing more than to open a cupcake store in town, but it would last a whole day before I had twenty women bringing their batches of homemade goods to sell. But today, I get to leave the office for a change.
“Your chariot awaits, Ms. Townsend.” Wyatt bows dramatically.
“I still haven’t quite figured out why I talk to you.”
“Face it, Pres. I’m the yin to your yang.”
“You’re the shit on my shoes.”
“I’m the bread to your butter,” he counters.
“You’re the pain in my ass.”
<
br /> He slaps my ass. “Now I am.”
I flick his hat off his head and climb onto the horse. “Don’t mess with me, Cowboy.”
Some emotion flashes across his face before he quickly recovers. “You know what field we’re moving them to?” he asks, getting down to business.
“Yup.” I pet the side of Shortstop’s neck. This horse and I have a deep connection. I truly believe he protected Cayden that night. The horse easily could’ve thrown him or gone God only knows where in those woods. But he allowed Cayden to guide him. “Who else is going with me?”
I get to lead the group that’s going to move the cattle from one end of the land to the other. I loved doing this as a kid. Our whole family would go out and round them up, move them, and spend the day together. Cooper is bringing the boys on the four-wheeler to the ending point.
“You’ve got a Vance, one of the ranch hands, me, and Zach.”
My eyes snap over to his. “What?”
“You know, tall, dumb, blue eyes, really bad haircut.”
I shake my head with my lips parted. If he had broken up with Felicia, like he said, I would’ve heard by now. Clearly, what he said to me wasn’t what he meant. It hurts because I trusted his word. There are still feelings lingering between us, which scares me. I don’t want to get my heart trampled, and right now that’s what it feels like.
“Don’t worry.” He shakes his head. “He’s not riding doubles with you.”
I want to throw something at him.
“Whatever. It’s a big field.” There’s no reason for me to have to see him. He can lead the cows and I’ll wrangle any stragglers. Plan made.
My family owns a lot of land, and Daddy has always believed that the cattle have to sometimes take a longer ride. Before the days of cell phones, and all the things we have now . . . we would spend days on a long move. It was our version of a family vacation. That is not happening this time. I’m not camping with Zach. Not on his life.
Wyatt laughs. “Oh, Cowgirl, one day you’re going to wake up from the dream you’re living in.”
I just glare.
I take the horse to the trailer and get him settled. It’s about a fifteen-mile ride out to where the cattle are. There’s no way the horses could handle going there and back in one day. Regardless, I refuse to set up a tent with any of the Hennington clan. I’ll find a way back home one way or another.
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