by Lex Martin
“Yes.” I scrub my face, horrified I’m admitting this. “It was sending me off the deep end.” And since I’ve already come this far. “You wanted to know why I hadn’t called you once you got your phone replaced? I’m not proud of this, but it’s because—”
“—because you saw me with Tristan.”
I nod, and she grabs my hand.
The cage around my heart opens. “You mean—”
“So we’ve not talked because—”
“Yeah. Every possible thing that could go wrong did.”
“Good Lord.” She chokes out a laugh. “We’re a hot mess.”
I could be the starting pitcher of the Bad News Bears of romance.
“Right?” I throw the car into gear, feeling lighter, and head to her apartment.
As we drive along, I update her on Shazam. “He misses you.”
“He does?”
“Yep. Every night, he says, ‘Where is K-Bear?’ Of course he can only say meow, but I get the drift. He’s getting bigger. Pretty soon I’m gonna have to take him to a vet and get his balls chopped off. His days of carousing late at night and cruising for the ladies are just about over.”
Like someone else I know. Namely me.
“He needs to be fixed already?”
“Yep. From baby to full-grown in a few short weeks.”
When I pull up to her curb, new awkwardness settles in my chest. Is she going to invite me in? Everything in my body wants me to come up with her, but she’s not been overly friendly.
Without making a move to open the door, she sits and looks at her hands. Clears her throat.
“There’s one more thing I need to talk to you about.”
Shit. I thought we’d hashed out everything.
Why am I nervous all of a sudden?
That’s when I notice she’s pale.
And trembling.
The concern I had for her when I first opened the door at Josh’s submerses me all over again.
She picks at her lip. “I need to tell you something, but I have a request.”
“Anything.”
“Don’t walk me up. I need—I can’t—I’m so damn tired, it’s making me nauseated,” she mumbles. “And I still need some time to process this by myself.”
This woman drives me out of my fucking mind. I want nothing more than to spend the night. Find out what’s going on inside. Hold her again.
“Kinda freaking out here, Ken. What is it?”
“Promise me.”
“I promise.”
“So…speaking of Shazam no longer being a baby and life changes and growing up…” She takes a deep breath. Swallows. “I guess there’s no easy way to say this, but …” Her voice drops to a whisper. “Surprise. I’m pregnant. And it’s yours.”
I blink.
A baby? Wait. Am I hearing things?
No, based on the expression on Kendall’s face, I’m not imagining anything.
With a lurch, my gut revolts, and I’m dizzy.
I open my mouth to say something, but she holds her hand up. “I know we need to talk more, but I don’t have the energy to do it now.” She opens the car door and gets out. Leaning back in, she says, “Let’s talk later. In a few days or something. Just—” She presses a hand to her stomach. “I can’t right now.”
Nodding mutely, I stare like a fool as she walks out of my life. Again.
21
Drew
You know how it goes. You think you’ve cleared up every piece of psychic baggage between you and the girl you like. You’re feeling all right, hoping you’re gonna end the night with a cuddle or some nakey time. Hell, maybe even schedule an actual first date.
Then you find out your seed’s gonna walk the earth.
Kendall slams my car door shut, and my brain struggles to process what she just said.
“Pregnant?” I whisper out loud—by myself in my car—trying out the word on my tongue to see how it feels.
For the record, the word feels as foreign as that wall of feminine hygiene products at the grocery store.
I don’t make a habit of talking to myself, that’s for Gollum, and the fact that it’s not bothering me right now says something. Like, my life just became a fucking mess.
A bigger mess than normal.
Portland rain smacks my windshield, and the wipers slash back and forth. My engine idles in park. I don’t move a muscle. I can’t, because I’m torn. I want to run after her, bang on her door, and demand that we discuss the grenade she just threw.
The only thing stopping me is my word—oh, and the tiny detail that she doesn’t want to process this shock with me tonight. Sure, we can talk about it later. But since what she’s processing definitely involves me, her reluctance to share packs an even bigger wallop to the gut than finding out I knocked her up.
Doesn’t she trust me? Does she think I wouldn’t support her? Does she not know I care?
God, I do care. Having Kendall so close tonight activated everything I’ve been moping about for the past few weeks—the loss of her sparkly personality, her intoxicating scent, her incredible body. The sound of her voice and the silky feel of her hair.
I’ve missed her. After spending years fighting with her, then getting together, then a stupid misunderstanding—I thought we were finally in the clear.
Nope. Apparently not.
The loud honk of a horn startles me into taking my foot off the brake and putting the car in gear. I drive in the darkness lit up by holiday lights everywhere. It’s the season of good cheer and togetherness. Of family.
Well, not my family. They’re cretins, except my gran.
Fuck. How the hell am I supposed to have a family?
I want to call Josh, but it’s getting late, and if I know him, he wouldn’t want to be disturbed right now since he’s probably engaging in naked acrobatics with Evie. While this is important enough to bug him, maybe I just need some time to think.
Dammit. Dammit all to hell.
I’m going to be a father.
Somehow my car ends up on Interstate 5 going south. As I listen to the swish of water under my tires and squint into the glare of headlights on the other side of the freeway, my thoughts enter a Zen zone. I cross vast swaths of Oregon, but it’s too dark to see more than billboards and the occasional building lined with holiday lights.
Stopping in Salem to get gas, I notice that I never turned on the radio. I’ve been driving in silence the entire time, which tells me I’m so preoccupied, I’m lucky I’m wearing clothes and have my wallet. While the attendant fills the tank—it’s illegal in Oregon to pump your own gas—I numbly go inside the convenience store looking for something. Anything.
Of course the first thing I see is a yellow “Baby on Board” warning sign to hang in the back window of your car, like a beacon to all. Worried about my insulin levels, I buy snacks from a cashier in a Santa hat and head out. As I get in the driver’s seat, a liquor store across the street catches my eye with its yellow sign lit up, calling me to come and forget all this shit in my brain.
Jaeger. Captain. Jack. My old friends.
Fuck.
I need to get out of here. I peel out of the gas station and get back on the road.
Hours later, bleary-eyed, I head back home. I haven’t figured out anything except I miss Kendall and I feel like someone ran over my life with a bulldozer. As the gray-pink dawn lightens the sky, I go to the only place where I know I can deal with life. I pull up at Josh’s apartment, park, and ring his loft from the lobby. After hitting the button several times, I get his slurred, sleepy answer. “Hello?”
“Josh-man. I need you, bud. Please.”
He buzzes me in. When he opens the door in his underwear and no glasses, his yawn turns to a horror-struck gape as he gives me a once-over. “You look like shit.”
“Thanks.” I’m sure my eyes are red and have bags under them. My hair stands on end like a bedraggled porcupine, and I’m wearing yesterday’s clothes. “Can we talk?”
I nod.
Rubbing his hands through his hair, he glances back inside in the general direction of his sleeping wife. “Give me five to get dressed and let Evie know where I’m going, and then you can tell me what happened to you.”
* * *
I have a soft spot for greasy spoon diners, the kind that are open twenty-four hours a day with menus that read like a food bible and serve coffee immediately when you sit down. Josh and I go to an old favorite, left over from our days prowling the Portland night scene. It’s been years since we’ve been here together.
We’re both stubbled and yawning, wearing hoodies and half-asleep expressions. Although I’m strung out from pulling an all-nighter, I’ve never been more grateful for my best friend.
The waiter plunks down water glasses and coffee, and I glance up at Josh, suddenly feeling like I might lose it. I busy myself with the sugar packets to avoid his eyes.
“Can I guess?” he asks, after we order.
“Yes, it’s Kendall,” I mutter to the dark faux wood tabletop.
“I figured that. But what happened? You guys were going to talk. I’m guessing you didn’t work everything out?”
Now that the sugar packets are in color order—what the fuck has gotten into me?—I trace the condensation on my water glass. “We talked. It was good—until it wasn’t.”
“Thanks. That’s perfectly clear.” Josh waits for me to say more.
“I almost drove to California last night. And back again.”
Concern radiates from Josh’s eyes as he peers at me over his glasses. “Drew. You’re worrying me. What’s going on?”
I slump back in my seat. “Remember that part where I told you what happened over Thanksgiving between me and her wasn’t for public consumption? That it was just between us?”
He nods.
The waiter sets down a bagel and cream cheese for Josh and scrambled egg whites for me. When I’m sure the waiter is out of earshot, I continue. “In a few months, like about nine months, it will be glaringly obvious what happened between me and Kendall Greer on that mountain.”
His mouth drops open. “No.”
“Yes.”
“You’re gonna be Kendall’s baby daddy?” He sounds mystified, like I just decoded the secrets of the universe.
Slurping my coffee, I let out my breath. “I’m gonna be someone’s parent. Fucked up, right? I mean, assuming she wants to keep it. I’ll support whatever she wants to do obviously, but yeah, the idea of having a mini-me roaming the earth is fucking terrifying.”
Saying it out loud makes it real. And everything I’ve been thinking all night comes out in a low, vehement whisper. “How can I be a father? I can barely keep my cat alive. I mean, sure, I can figure out which side to put a diaper on, but other than that, I have no clue. And what the fuck kind of parent am I going to be? It’s not like I had a good role model. You lived it with me.” Josh gives me a sympathetic look. “I barely saw my father growing up.”
Now I’m building up some steam. “What’s more fucked? She didn’t want to talk to me last night. Just, ‘buh-bye, I’ll call ya later maybe.’ I don’t know what’s worse, having her hate my guts for years or having her know me better and not trust me.”
My best friend’s at a loss for words. He raises his eyebrows and tears off a piece of his bagel. Finally, after he chews and swallows his bite, his voice lowers. “This is out of my wheelhouse, D-man. I could talk to Evie about it. See if she has any suggestions?”
“Thanks. No. I’m not sure where Kendall is with people knowing, but I’m guessing she’d like to tell Evie herself. Still, I don’t want her to go through this all alone. I don’t want to go through this alone. And it’s driving me crazy that she wouldn’t discuss it last night.” I pause. “And it’s almost Christmas.”
“This sucks, dude.”
After scooping up some eggs, I take a bite. “My head is fucked right now, Josh. This is one way of changing a relationship status to ‘it’s complicated.’ I’m pretty sure I went through the stages of grief on my drive. Denial, anger, bargaining, confusion, Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy.”
He chuckles. “At least you didn’t lose your sense of humor.”
I’m almost tearing at my hair. “Everything looks different now. I mean, our waiter? He’s not that old, maybe in college, but the fact that he’s younger than us and yet an adult makes me feel ancient. Is this what’s going to happen when I’m a dad? I look at people as my potential kid instead of my peer?”
Gesturing at the waiter for a refill of coffee, Josh says, “Probably.”
“Very soon, someone quite small is going to be relying on me, whether I want it to or not. Whether I can handle it or not.”
“I think this is why they give you nine months to get used to the idea. You can’t figure it all out at once.”
I drop my voice to barely a whisper. “I’m scared shitless of screwing up a kid.”
Or making one who turns out like me.
22
Kendall
Behind me, Evie trails like a helium balloon on a tether. I jerk one way, and she follows a split second later. It helps that I have a vice grip on her hand. But if I don’t get something to eat, RIGHT NOW, I’m going to hurl all over these nice holiday shoppers.
For once, I don’t mind the mad crush of humanity bumping into me on their way to retail bliss because I’m on a mission. Even if it means being at the mall on Christmas Eve.
“Girl, slow down before you run me into another elf.”
“Sorry about that.” I slow down to a brisk walk as I spot the sign.
I sigh with relief when I see the shop.
“Donuts?” Evie wrinkles her nose. “You want donuts?” She stares at me like I’ve sprouted blue horns. “Don’t get me wrong—I love donuts. Those yummy balls of sweet dough are like crack, but I can’t remember the last time I saw you eat them. Maybe in Mrs. Healey’s class?”
That was high school.
Awkwardly, I shrug. Breaking the “I’m pregnant with Demerit’s baby” thing to my best friend is proving harder than I anticipated, especially since the moment we arrived at the mall, my stomach revolted and demanded food.
And yes, I’m back to calling him Demerit. In my head at least. It gives me an emotional distance from the man who has made me batshit crazy since the day I met him, and since I got good and knocked up, I need some kind of footing. I tell myself that if I don’t have to depend on him, I’ll be fine. It’s when I consider needing him for something important that I go into an emotional tailspin.
Last night helped clear the air, and while a part of me is clamoring to pick up where he and I left off, I’m scared.
I don’t want to feel like I did when I got back from the cabin and wondered why he didn’t call me. Wondered if he was off banging other girls like those gossip blog pics suggested.
Fuck that. I’ll be friendly with Drew, and we’ll talk about this whole baby situation, but I know I’m on my own. It’s better this way. If I don’t need him, he can’t hurt me.
“This is going to sound weird,” I mumble as we get in line. I’m not sure how to start this conversation.
“Can’t be weirder than Drew showing up on our doorstep at sunrise.” My eyes widen. “You responsible for that boy losing his mind?” She gives me a pointed look.
I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
“Next!” The guy at the counter impatiently waves us forward.
The glass case of deliciousness makes my stomach rumble with anticipation. As though my pea-sized child is chanting, “GIMME! GIMME!” like a starving linebacker banging his fists on the table.
Holy shit, I’m having a kid.
Sweat breaks out on my forehead. I’m not prepared for this. I’m supposed to be focused on my career and—
“Lady!”
Startled, I jerk back, my heart racing. Jeez-Louise, dude. I want to tell him his snarky attitude is bad PR.
&nb
sp; “I’d like two—wait, make that three—devil’s food with chocolate icing, please.” My arteries ache as I consider what I’m going to eat, but I swear to myself I’ll have something with kale for dinner. Although that does not sound appetizing. But come on, kid, you need to eat your greens.
Pivoting to Evie, I motion for her. “What do you want?”
“You’re not sharing your three donuts?”
“Negative. But this is my treat, so get your sugar on.”
Once we get our bags of fried grease, we wade through the holiday crowd again until we find a table for two on the concourse. We have to stop twice because people want Evie’s autograph. Ever since she got that do-it-yourself home repair show on Bravo, she’s become a local celebrity.
If I weren’t starving and about to gnaw off someone’s thighbone, I would encourage her to ham it up.
The moment I’m off my feet, I hold up my finger. “I need to eat something before we talk.” Reaching into my purse, I pull out some hand sanitizer, squirt it everywhere, and then grab the gorgeous chocolate pastry.
Come to mama.
The sweet, velvety dough melts in my mouth, and I moan. That’s what I’m talking about.
After I’ve gobbled down the entire thing, I clear my throat. “I’ve been wanting one of these since I threw up in front of Voodoo’s the other night.” Strange but true.
“Oh my God. What happened? Did you drink too much?” She holds up a bottle of water to take a sip.
“Nope. I got too pregnant.”
Water shoots out of her mouth and nose as she sputters.
She’s wide eyed and choking while mouthing, What?
“Sorry, Eves.” I smack her on the back a few times until she’s able to breathe again. “Guess that was a bad time to tell you one of Drew’s swimmers burrowed up my channel.”
“YOU SLEPT WITH DREW?”
I freeze and cover my eyes with my hand since half of the mall heard my best friend’s screech.