by Darcy Burke
Tears stung Caroline’s eyes, sensing his pain. She had never known how his mother died. He had never spoken of it.
He cleared his throat and shifted on his knee. “I was…I was supposed to be in that carriage with her but my uncle, her brother, had taken me to the park that day to float wooden boats on the lake. I…I sometimes wish he hadn’t. I sometimes wish I would have been in that carriage with my mother. If only to have seen her for a breath longer.”
Caroline’s features twisted. “Oh, Ronan.”
He shrugged, rapidly blinking while still staring at their joined hands. “Fate is strange that way. When she died, my father became a different man. He blamed my aunt for my pregnant mother leaving the house to go see her. He no longer wanted to be in the house and stayed out a lot. During our time of mourning, he didn’t pray, but went to parties. And when he did remember to come home, he’d pat me on the head to superficially ask me how I was and then lock himself away, reading the works of Marquis de Sade. Don’t ask me why. I didn’t know much about it, but apparently, prior to marrying my mother, he was known in his circles as Marquis de Sade for reasons only whispered. Some even say he assisted Mrs. Berkley in creating the Whipping Society.”
A breath escaped him. “That was well beyond the time he drowned himself in brandy, parties, men, women, excessively buying things he didn’t need, forgetting he had a life. Forgetting I had a life. I’d find him senseless on the floor, covered in vomit, thinking him dead too many times to count. I relied on my aunt and my uncle, who were my mother’s siblings, for the comfort my father never gave me. They are the only reason I retained any amount of normalcy. And then my aunt had to go fall in love with a Frenchman and move to France,” he muttered. “I hated that bastard for taking her away but eventually got over it. I had my uncle, after all. But my uncle had his own problems with his wife who had made him miserable. And then…”
His voice cracked. “I came to trust a woman I shouldn’t have. A married, well-respected woman who…who debauched me at fourteen against my will in a carriage on the side of a road. She gave me money for it and I accepted that for myself from that moment on. Regarding Theodosia, her brother committed suicide after what had been done to him by the same woman who had debauched me.
“Theodosia wanted to right what had been done to me and others by financially assisting, but in the end, she had rotted herself. Simply know, Caroline, that I tried to crawl out of that life with that ten thousand investment I had made. And when I lost everything in that fire, I found myself stumbling back to it. But I’m done with that way of life, Caroline. I am. I’m done. I wanted to be years ago.”
Caroline’s fingers dug into his. Dearest God. Yanking her hands from his, she brought them up to his face, and despite his resistance, she forced him to look at her.
Dark, anguished eyes finally met hers.
And she knew it was real. All of it.
A sob escaped her. Ronan, her beloved Ronan, had lost his pride, his innocence, and his soul at fourteen. A soul that had chivalrously yanked an obscene book from the hands of a thirteen-year-old girl for reasons she only now understood.
Unable to bear it, Caroline set her forehead against his, pressing her hands tighter against the sides of his shaven face. “You…you should have told me,” she choked out. “I would have done my best to…to understand you. Not turn you away.”
His hands jumped to the sides of her own face and pressed his fingers and palms against her cheeks. “I had to learn how to see past my shame. I’m still learning. It’s hard but I…I enrolled in a school that is helping me with it. And I’m not alone in this. There are other men whose problems go beyond mine.”
She swallowed. “A school?”
He nodded against her. “Madame de Maitenon has been assisting me to overcome more than my inability to kiss. She has been helping me to better understand myself and what you need me to be. It’s been an unexpected journey for me. That day, when you wanted me to kiss you, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I had to learn to disassociate what had happened to me with Lady Stanbury. I’m still learning how to do it.”
Her lips parted and she slowly released him.
For the first time since knowing Ronan, she felt as if she were touching more than his hand. She felt as if she were touching his soul. It was so overwhelming, tears blinded her and another sob escaped her. This was the man whom she had always wanted to embrace. This. A man open with his thoughts and his life. She lowered her gaze, tears dripping from the bridge of her nose, and confessed in anguished disbelief, “I always knew there was more to you than you allowed me to see. And I…I thank you for sharing your life with me. It allows me to better understand you.”
His fingers gently cupped her chin and lifted it so that she might meet his gaze. His dark eyes intently and heatedly held hers as his forefinger gently swiped away her tears. “Forgive me for not sharing myself with you in the way you deserved. I wasn’t helping you understand me.”
She swallowed. “Does my brother know any of this?”
“Some of it. But not all. How do you tell a friend who has everything that you have nothing? It’s…it’s pointless. Despite all the griping your brother has ever done regarding his father and your mother and his family, he has no idea how charmed his life really is.” He paused and added, “Though I did manage to get the bastard to enroll in a school for virgins with me. Having him there at the school is worth a king’s ransom.”
An astounded laugh escaped her. “Alex enrolled? In Madame de Maitenon’s school?”
He smirked. “He damn well did. Though I dare say he didn’t do it willingly and he didn’t do it for me. He did it for Lady Chartwell.”
She blinked. “Who?”
“Lady Chartwell conducts the admissions at the school. Apparently, the two haven’t been able to keep their hands off each other. Though he won’t admit to it, Madame says he and Lady Chartwell are very much involved.”
That was who her brother had been secretly seeing. “Is she a good woman? This Lady Chartwell?”
“What I know of her, yes. I only met her once, when I applied for the school, and then another time when I dragged your brother in, but Madame speaks very highly of her. She trusts her with everything.”
Caroline pressed her hands together anxiously. “Alex ended things with her. Because of me. Do you think I should talk to him about it? Or that perhaps I should call on her about it?”
“I wouldn’t worry. Something tells me their paths are about to cross again soon. Hell, Hawksford gave me a bloody nose over her. And I’ve never seen him territorial over a woman like that. And I didn’t even do anything. For some reason, he thought she and I were involved. I only met the woman once.”
Caroline bit back a smile. If Alex was getting territorial over a woman, that meant it was only a matter of time. “Good. I want Alex to be happy. He deserves it.”
“Yes. He does.”
They were quiet for a moment.
Realizing that Ronan was still kneeling before her and still leaning in close, she swallowed and felt self-conscious again. One moment he was her friend whom she felt comfortable leaning against, and the next she realized he was a man and that she was still a woman. She was trying not to focus on the latter.
His eyes searched her face and softly said, “I missed you.”
Her heart squeezed. She had never seen his brown eyes and his rugged features appear so uplifted and bright. Caroline reached out a hand and smoothed her fingers against his cravat, trying to tell herself this was real. He was here, trying to love her. “And I missed you.”
“Did you?” he murmured.
She nodded. “Yes.”
“But you were angry.”
“Yes.”
His fingers dug into the sides of her thighs. “I will take away all that I have done. I will not rest until I have proven myself worthy of you.”
Tears overwhelmed her. It was like welcoming him back into her life.
“Caroline?�
�
She met his gaze through smeared vision and sniffed. “Yes?”
He hesitated. “I want to try to kiss you.” He lowered his gaze to her lips. “Can I?”
A shaky breath escaped her. “Yes.”
He leaned in closer across the space of her lap that divided them. His jaw tightened. “Don’t move.”
“I won’t,” she whispered.
His large hand slid into her hair and gently dragged her closer to him and where he still knelt before her. Tilting his mouth toward hers, he set his mouth against hers and then paused against her lips, the heat of his firm mouth penetrating hers.
Her eyes fluttered closed and she felt as if she were floating in the most beautiful way that surpassed any touch he had ever gifted, any glance he had ever offered. It was her first kiss.
His lips parted hers slowly as if unsure as to what he should do. Her tongue met his gently and together, they became one. Her fingers and her toes tingled and went numb.
She was Anne Elliot. At long last, she was Anne Elliot.
It was everything she could have ever dreamed of…and more.
***
Ronan was long past panicking. He was long past thinking. He had given over to feeling. As he had been repeatedly been taught to do. And in doing so, he was surprised to find that kissing Caroline was far from daunting. It was…delicious. Caroline’s lips were like all those strawberries he had dipped in cream. Her lips were moist and soft, yet firm. And her tongue was gentle, but playful, making him feel welcome and warm, yet in control.
It was beautiful.
She was beautiful.
He regretted having ever made her suffer in the name of his own doubts and shadows. He regretted not trusting that she would love more than the idea of him. That she, Caroline, his Caroline, loved him, even with all his imperfections. It was overwhelming and he suddenly felt as if he couldn’t breathe again.
But for different reasons.
Ronan broke away, opened his eyes and edged back, his still trembling hand skimming down her shoulder and to her hands, which were still in her lap.
He had kissed her. Damn.
Her eyes were still dreamily closed, her pale face flushed, and her moist lips parted in awe as if he had delivered unto her the most miraculous of gifts.
For the first time in his life, he felt like he had done something right. “How was it?”
Her eyes opened and a soft breath escaped her. Bright blue-green eyes met his with a tenderness he thought he’d never see again. “It was worthy of Persuasion.”
He felt his face getting hot knowing it, but somehow managed to quip, “Then you had best start calling me Captain.”
She leaned toward him and tugged on the lapel of his coat. “Someone once told me Captain Wentworth is a figment of some lonely woman’s imagination. So we really oughtn’t compare a fictional character to a real man.”
A choked laugh escaped him. “Who the devil said that?”
She shrugged. “One of my sisters. I forget which. Though it was probably Anne, for it reeks of her adorable sarcasm. And how mockingly appropriate is that? Given her name is Anne.” She smiled brightly.
She looked happy. Still on one knee before her, his hands smoothed her skirts, knowing that he was the cause of such happiness. It made him feel at peace for the first time in a long time. He had waited what felt like years to get her to look at him like that again. With peace. With happiness.
He continued to smooth her skirts against her thighs. “Will you marry me?”
Her features twisted and a sob escaped her. “I cannot believe this is happening.”
His throat tightened and he knew that she was his. He swallowed against the tightness. “Will you be mine?” he asked again.
She nodded, grabbing his hands.
“Is that a yes?” he prodded. “Because I would like to hear you say it.”
She let out a choked laugh. “Yes. Yes, I will marry you.”
Dearest God. He almost knew what it was like to faint.
***
Caroline did everything she could to keep herself from yelling out to the world that love made a person feel whole. It wasn’t about independence or dependence, it was about feeling whole. And this, he, made her feel that and more.
“So when do we do it?” he softly asked. “Do you have a date in mind?”
She swiped at her tears which wouldn’t stop. She had always wanted a June wedding. Always. When the sun was guaranteed to shine and roses were in full bloom. “In…in four weeks. The second week of June.” She smiled.
“Four weeks?” He paused. “Why do you want to wait so long?”
Still smiling, she said, “We can’t let London thinking I am my father’s daughter by rushing into this. I will also have you know that I have always wanted a June wedding. We can host a wedding breakfast outside in the open air for our families. And then you and I will head to Paris. You have no idea how excited I am to inherit eight cousins.”
“I will notify my aunt at once.” He eyed her and swiped his face. Leaning toward her, he said in a low tone, “I should probably tell you something. I know you will be open to it, but understand that her children have been prejudiced against since birth. Her husband was not accepted in society. It was one of many reasons as to why I had to protect her and help her and those children. Because no one else would.”
Caroline paused and held his gaze. “Protect her and the children? From what?”
Ronan hesitated. “If you love me, Caroline, you will accept them. They’re beautiful. And good. So good.”
Caroline’s brows flickered. “Ronan, you’re confusing me. What don’t you think I wouldn’t accept about them?”
His expression remained grim. “My aunt’s husband was a freed slave. Antoine was a brilliant man taken too soon from this world when someone attacked him and killed him on the street because of the color of his skin. People treat my aunt and her children, who are all mulatto, abominably. And when Antoine was murdered, leaving her alone to a world that saw nothing but the color of her children’s skin, I knew I had to help. Because they have no one but me and my uncle.”
A painful knot formed within her soul as her lips parted in both awe and disbelief. Her dear Ronan had been protecting them from the world. Not just debts. “I cannot wait to meet them and hold them in my arms,” she whispered. “And I will do everything in my means to protect them, too.”
His gaze softened. “I knew you would. I knew it. We will have a June wedding and go to Paris to see all of them in July.” He hesitated and added, “Mind you, I don’t have enough to pay for the wedding, but I can—”
She nudged him hard. “I wouldn’t worry about that. Alex will pay for it. Not because he wants to but because he has to. I’m worth eight thousand a year for the rest of my life, you know.”
Still smoothing her skirts against her thighs, he leaned in closer and heatedly asked, “Would you be interested in doing something with me? Something we shouldn’t?”
She blinked rapidly, feeling her face turn to fire and leaned back against the chair as far as her corset would allow. “Everyone will be back soon and there is already enough jam on the table to make us both look guilty.”
He wet his lips. “While the thought did cross my mind, given we are alone, I…I wasn’t referring to that.”
She lifted a brow. Now she was intrigued. “What did you have in mind?”
“Well…” His fingers traced her gown. “I’m going to be hosting a series of unconventional parties and doing things in honor of discovering who I am and what I enjoy doing most. It’s part of my lesson plan assigned to me by Madame. I was hoping you could attend all of those events and parties with me over these next three weeks given we are officially engaged. Mind you, these parties will be a touch rowdy. Card playing, cricket, wine, cognac, and men and women the ton usually doesn’t care for. People my uncle and I have gotten to know throughout the years.”
She poked him in the shoulder. “Invite
me to every single one.”
He slowly grinned. “Consider yourself spoken for these next four weeks, and after that, for the rest of your life. Hopefully your brother won’t complain about all the courtship rules we’re about to break. Because you and I are going to—”
The basket suddenly fell over as the waggling, black furry body of a puppy bounded out of it and scurried toward them, playfully barking.
Caroline pressed her hands against her lips, overwhelmed by the moment. Her first kiss, a marriage proposal, a planned wedding in June, Paris in July and a puppy. It was really too much.
Ronan shifted toward the puppy and scooped him up. “Well, well. Look who decided to join us. What do you think?”
Caroline almost bounced in her chair as she reached out and rubbed not one but two hands across that soft, small head wiggling against Ronan’s chest. “I think I’m in love with both of you,” she cooed, as that wet little nose nudged her hand.
Ronan leaned in and searched her face. “Would you believe me if I told you that I…well….that I’m in love with you?”
He didn’t have to say it, for she genuinely felt it, but she gloried in hearing those words spoken aloud all the same. She sensed it was difficult for him to even admit to it, which made it all the more heart-wrenching and sweet. Caroline leaned in and kissed Ronan ardently on the cheek, then on his forehead, then on his nose, then on his chin and then…on his lips. Gently.
The dog kept digging its wet nose in between them.
She pulled away with an exasperated laugh. “Yes, I believe you both love me. Ardently.”
He smiled and gestured down at the squirming bundle he held. “So what shall we name him?”
There was only one name worthy of a dog that had been gifted to her for an engagement present. “Captain,” she gushed. “We should name him Captain.”
Ronan tilted his head as he glanced down at their puppy, rubbing its head. “It is rather fitting, isn’t it? Yes. Captain. I like it. Captain it is.” He released Captain, who scampered over to basket and started to chew on it.