I sit back down, but I can still see the backpack out of my peripheral vision taunting me, laughing at me because it’s just another thing I can’t have. It’s an aching reminder of the man I love, but can never have. Everything in my life is always temporary and not mine to keep. I get back up, pick it up, open the coat closet, and set it on the floor. I close the door, then walk back over to the couch finally able to get to work.
As I scroll through the photos, each and every one of them is spectacular. I’m sure if it has more to do with the quality of the camera than the person, me, who took the photos, but I’m blown away.
I look at the ones with the three of them and that damn jealousy creeps its ugly head back into my thoughts again. I see the way Courtney looks at her daughters, and I hate that no one has ever looked at me that way, except one—him, the man who has captured the remainder of my broken heart, who I will never see look at me that way again.
After a few hours of working on the photos, a notification pops up that I have a new email. I decide to take a break from editing, and I click over to check it. The one that just came through is from Nina. I look at my watch and see that it’s well after midnight. What’s she still doing up? I click on the email and read what it says. She wants me to click on the link below. She says there are still details that need to be worked out and a few things that still need to be added. Curiously, I click on the link and the website that opens up in front of me fills my eyes again with stupid girly tears. Damn it! I’ve worked so hard not to feel these things. Why did I let myself do this?
The words Photography by Maddy are elegantly scrolled on the top of the website. The beautiful pastel colors and patterns look professional and elegant. There’s a tab that says, About Maddy, so I click on it. It’s blank except for a short, Needs to be filled in typed in the center of the page. Ah, OK. Let’s see. What’s there to know about Maddy? Yes, let’s put that I was abandoned by my mother and that my name was Baby Jane until I was given a legal name when I was eleven months old by the family that returned me like expired ground beef. I don’t think there’s enough room on this page to list all the towns where Maddy grew up in. How about my criminal record? Should I list all of that? Especially if I’m going to be working with little kids. I mean, come on now! Let’s put down that I was once arrested for assault. It wasn’t even my damn fault! That bitch hit me first. I was only defending myself. That will make parents want to trust me with their kids. Let’s put, Maddy is alone and she always has been. No one has ever loved her or ever will.
I should just write boohoo Maddy’s full of feeling sorry for herself. I roll my eyes at myself, then look at the rest of the website.
There are several other tabs on the top of the screen labeled, Family, Bellies, Babies, Births, Food, and Everything Else. You can tell the designer of the website is pregnant. I would love nothing more than to fill these tabs with photographs of Nina, her baby bump, her newborn, and my food porn pics. Now, there never will be. The camera needs to go back to Stephen. It will take me, at least, ten years to save up enough money to buy another camera. I’m sorry Nina wasted her time putting together this beautiful site for me.
I finish editing Courtney’s photos, then feel guilty about charging her more for the prints. With the money she paid me, I’ll get them printed in a variety of sizes, then I’ll be a coward and mail them to her. I’m not a photographer and therefore, shouldn’t be paid.
How am I going to get them printed? It will take forever to upload all of these.
Shit.
I get back up and remove the backpack from the closet, then remove the memory card from the camera. I’ll just get them printed, then I’ll put the card back in the camera and return it.
I load the photographs on the card that I want to be printed, then I go to bed.
Tossing and turning all night thinking about the things I know, I can’t fall asleep. At six, unable to go to yoga and face Kate, I get dressed and go to the print shop. I have all the photos printed, and I spend every penny of the money Courtney paid me. I open the large envelope to look at the photos to make sure they’re perfect, but the first photo on the stack isn’t of Courtney or her beautiful daughters, it’s of me in Stephen’s office when I was happy. How’d that get in there? I raise my hand and place it on the photo, then crumple it in my fist until its sharp edges painfully dig into my palm. I exhale a breath and let it go, but decide to keep it to remind myself that there are always consequences when I let myself look like this. I shove it in my purse, then I purchase a small box, address it to Courtney, and drop it in the mail.
And that is that.
I get to California Chef and sit through the morning meeting unable to look at Nina.
“So?” she questions. “What do you think?” she asks when the meeting is over.
“It’s beautiful,” I say. I can’t lie, it truly is. “Thank you, but you shouldn’t have wasted your time,” I say, then grab my catering bags and quickly run for the door.
“But . . . Maddy?” she questions as the door closes behind me.
The next couple of days, I do my best to avoid everyone. Kate’s been super busy with the yoga studio, but her texts and voicemail messages have become increasingly worried because I haven’t returned any of them. I’m just not sure what to do with myself.
Thursday after my last client, I walk in the back door to drop off my supplies so I can head home and be left alone. Nina walks out of her office and immediately walks over to me.
“Courtney is out front waiting for you,” she says in a displeased tone.
I can’t even bring myself to look at Nina.
“Can you tell her I’m not here?” I ask.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Nina asks. “She said you haven’t returned any of her phone calls, and that today she got the photos from the shoot in the mail. Why did you mail the photos to her? She said she never saw the proofs or picked any of the ones that you sent her. Trust me, she was in tears in love with them, but I don’t get it. She’s been sitting out front for over an hour with her checkbook in her lap,” she finishes.
“Tell her they’re on me,” I say, then walk out the back door.
“Maddy?” she calls irritated, but I keep walking.
Friday when I pull into my driveway after work, my cell phone rings. I look at the display and see that it’s Kate again. I can’t keep ignoring her. She didn’t do anything wrong. The more days that go by, the guiltier I feel. I’m being a terrible friend.
“Hello,” I answer.
“Are you avoiding me?” she bluntly asks.
“I’ve been busy.”
“You haven’t been coming to yoga,” she says.
“I told you I’ve been busy,” I reply again.
“There’s something going on. What’s wrong?” she asks. I come to the realization that I clearly have no other choice. I’ve made up my mind. It’s just time for me to move on. What’s one more town to add to my bio? I’m used to starting over anyway. I realize it’s purely a selfish choice, but it’s easier than having to see what I can’t have every single day. “Maddy?” Kate says, when I haven’t responded.
“Nothing is wrong,” I finally reply.
“I have to cover a few classes tomorrow, but I’m coming to pick you up for dinner,” she says.
“That’s dumb, you live two doors down from where dinner is. Why would you drive out of town to pick me up, then drive back again?” I ask.
“Because, I have the sneaking suspicion that if I don’t, you’re not going to come to dinner,” she answers.
She’s right. I’m thinking about packing up my ratty backpack and catching the next bus out of town. Then I think about Stephen and the fact that he never got to say goodbye to his parents. I don’t want to leave everyone that way with how I’ve been treating them. They don’t know it, but tomorrow is that last time they’ll see me.
“Fine,” I reply.
“OK,” she agrees. “I’ll see you tomorr
ow,” she says.
“Bye,” I say, then quickly hang up, so I don’t have to continue the conversation.
I know that since I won’t be inviting Stephen to dinner, he won’t be there tomorrow. I need to give him back his camera today. I get out of the van and walk inside the house without pausing. Why pause, when it’s over now? I open the closet, grab the backpack, then head back to my van and drive back into town.
I drive through the parking lot and check for Stephen’s car before I fully commit to it. I don’t see his car, so I park and take the elevator to his floor. Caleigh’s head immediately pops up, but her toothy smile is missing. She eyes me as I walk over to her desk. I place the backpack on the floor next to her desk, unable to look at her. My heart is truly breaking. I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. Not giving the camera back itself, but the decision to never see any of these people that have crept their way into my broken heart ever again.
I turn around holding in the tears, but before I can take one step, Caleigh calls my name, “Maddy.” I stop, but can’t turn around. I hear her get up from her chair, then she appears in front of me. “I don’t know what happened, and it’s none of my business, but I want you to know that you’ve been so good for him. He hasn’t been at work all week,” she says. It’s then I raise my head and look at her. Why hasn’t he been at work? “But before whatever just happened, he was happy. I’ve never seen him so happy, Maddy, and it was all because of you,” she finishes.
She moves to hug me, but I take a step backward. Her face fills with sadness and disappointment. I just can’t take all of this disappointment. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, then take a step forward, and raise my arms. Before I can touch her, she’s in my arms squeezing me tight. Her hand runs up and down my back, then she lets me go with a final pat.
I drive back to Joss and Nina’s house and pack the few worthless belongings that I own.
Saturday afternoon as Kate knocks on the front door, I put the happy, crumpled up photo of me on the counter, then I place my backpack with all my belongings in the hallway. I open the door, and quickly walk outside, closing it behind me. Kate eyes me with suspicion, but decides to let it go. We walk to the vehicle parked in the driveway. It’s Cooper’s convertible and the top is down. Sadie is sitting in the driver’s seat, and the second she sees Kate coming back, she hops into the back seat. Kate opens the door and slips in the seat while she places a pair of designer sunglasses on her face. I get in and take a deep breath. Before she starts the car, she turns her head to me, lowers her sunglasses down her nose, and gives me that look. One of her eyes squints, and I’ll be damned, but I swear, she can read my thoughts, and she knows exactly what I’m going to do after dinner.
She pushes her sunglasses back up her nose with her index finger, then she starts the car. She drives to River’s house and while she pulls in the driveway, I look around for Stephen’s car. I sigh with relief when I don’t see it.
Kate opens the front door, then Sadie joyfully trots inside and greets everyone, happily wagging her tail.
“Hey, Sadie girl,” Cooper coos at her, patting her on the head.
The second I walk through the front door, I feel it, or I should say . . . him. The heavy, thick weight of sorrow and disappointment is prominent in the room and it attaches to my chest like a lead weight. My eyes immediately go to Stephen standing in the center of the room. Even though he looks tired, and he has dark circles under his eyes, he still makes my heart jump in my chest. My eyes travel slowly down his body, and he’s still wearing the leather cuff around his wrist that I gave him. I swallow a huge lump in my throat as my eyes travel down his worn, faded blue jeans. Sitting on the floor next to his chucks is a black backpack . . . my black camera backpack.
“What’s going on?” Kate asks, looking between the two of us.
“What do you mean, what’s going on?” Joss asks, coming out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishtowel.
A minute after that, everyone else walks into the family room, then stares at Stephen and me, staring at each other.
“Are you the reason Maddy is leaving town?” Kate accuses, raising her voice as she points at Stephen.
“What?” Nina snaps, enunciating the last letter. “Maddy, you’re leaving?” she continues. “Were you going to say anything to Joss and me?”
The room suddenly starts to close in on me, and I close my eyes. For the love of God, for once in my life can I just disappear? I hear footsteps coming closer and with each step, my skin becomes more and more heightened. I hear the distinct sound of my backpack set on the floor next to my feet, but it feels more like a deadly cobra ready to strike.
“I want . . .” Stephen starts, but stops and exhales a sigh. “I need you to have this back,” he whispers.
I shake my head no. I just can’t. Good things are only meant for special people. I’m not special. When good things happen to unspecial people, bad things happen. I’m nobody, I’m nothing.
“Is this why you were so rude to Courtney?” Nina asks.
“Nina,” Joss warns, behind her.
“Please, don’t go,” Stephen whispers.
“Maddy, talk to me,” Kate says next to me.
“After everything we’ve done for you, you’re not going to at least give us a two-week notice?” Nina asks, getting more upset.
“Nina!” Joss says, louder.
“What? I have a right to ask. She’s our employee. Why aren’t you more upset about this?” Nina fires back at Joss.
“I warned you, Stephen,” River says.
What did he warn Stephen about? Me?
“River, don’t!” Joss urges.
I feel like I’m standing in the center of a funhouse surrounded by hundreds of mirrors. In each reflection is a person from my past and present, pointing their fingers at me telling me what a loser I am. They’re all talking at the same time, and I can’t breathe.
“I can fix this,” Stephen whispers, taking my hand.
“No,” I whisper back, opening my eyes.
He can’t.
He can’t ever tell Kate the truth. It will destroy her. I look at Kate and feel completely helpless. I feel like a failure. I should never have let anyone of these people get so close to me.
“Why are you looking at me like that? This has something to do with me?” Kate asks as her voice increases several octaves.
Sadie immediately walks to Kate’s side. Her beautiful black body leans against the side of her leg, and she whines.
“Kate,” I plead, as a tear falls down my cheek.
“You’re an ungrateful little bitch if you leave us high and dry,” Nina roars.
“NINA!” Joss yells.
No! All the mirrors crack and shatter at the same time.
My head snaps up, and I quickly look into Stephen’s eyes as pure, unadulterated rage fills his entire body, and he travels back in time to that fifteen-year-old little boy. Nina just called me a bitch. She can yell and swear at me all she wants. I truly deserve it. But why . . . WHY did she have to say the one word that Stephen called his mother? I raise my hands and put them on Stephen’s chest, but it’s too late, he’s already moving toward Nina.
“Don’t you ever call her that again!” he roars in Nina’s face.
“Back the fuck up, man! NOW!” Josh shouts a stern warning, as he places himself between Stephen and Nina.
Josh pushes Stephen back a few steps, then he gently moves Nina behind his back, protecting her. I know in my heart Stephen would never hurt Nina. Stephen would never hurt anyone.
“Stop it! Everyone just stop it! This is my fault! I’ll leave,” I say, then turn around and walk toward the door.
Stephen quickly walks up behind me and places his hand in mine.
“Please, don’t go. I can fix this,” he says in a hoarse voice, not letting go of my hand.
“No. Stephen, please no,” I cry, hanging my head.
I turn back around, but I can’t bring myself to look him dire
ctly in the eyes. Tears fall from my eyelashes, drip off my chin, and splash to the floor.
“I told Maddy something, and it’s time everyone else knows the truth, too,” he starts.
“Stephen, please, no,” I beg, looking into his eyes, pleading for him to stop.
“I’ve held on to these secrets for far too long. They’ve literally been eating me alive, so much so that I don’t have anything left to lose, except for you. I can’t lose you, Maddy. It was my best friend, Jay, driving the other car that killed mom and dad. He was on his way to pick me up to take me to a party so we could get drunk. I didn’t know it at first, but he had already gotten drunk before he left to pick me up,” he says.
“WHAT?” Kate yells.
I look at River, as Joss’s face fills with fear. She puts her hands on his chest, then I see him ball his hands into fists. I physically shudder at the sound of River’s knuckles cracking in his clenched fists, but Stephen keeps talking.
“Please stop talking,” I whisper.
“It’s my fault they’re dead, Kate. I knew you blamed yourself, and all these years, I let you,” he says.
As if Sadie can understand every word being said, her snout immediately lifts up to Kate, and she puts her nose inside Kate’s hand like she has done countless times before.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” River roars.
Joss’s whole body flinches as River shouts, then he takes a step closer to Stephen. She physically tries to hold him back, but he again takes another step closer to Stephen. River’s anger is palpable and quickly fills the room.
“River, don’t do this! I can’t go through this again! We talked about this. You promised me,” Joss warns River.
River was a complete ass to Kate, and it took a huge toll on Joss and River’s relationship.
I Speak...Love (A Different Road #3) Page 11