by Ladew, Lisa
Dani finished filling the bag, and checked her phone. Her fancy reporter’s app had found her a fare that evening and it only had one stop, meaning it would only take 15 hours. At $12,300 for first class it wasn’t cheap. Economy was almost a 10th of that but the only last-minute economy fare left stopped four times and took 32 hours. She hesitated only a second before pressing BUY. Her station would refund it all to her if they found work for her. And if they didn’t? Maybe she could borrow some money from Uncle Kevin. She snickered at her bad humor and grabbed her bag, heading for the door.
She’d already said goodbye to her dad in the back yard, so she headed straight for her mom on the couch. It seemed her parents were rarely in the same room these days. She didn’t want to think about what that meant. She had enough of her own issues to work out - she didn’t want to add her parents’ issues on top of them.
“Bye, Mom. I’ll see you in a few weeks.” She kissed her mom on the cheek.
“OK sweetheart, I love you.”
“I love you too, mom.”
Dani headed for the door, happy to have gotten away with no admonishments about men or boyfriends.
“Oh Daniela, I wanted to tell you, I saw Tim’s mother the other day. She said that Tim was back in town and wanted to see you.”
Dani turned back, her mouth open and her eyes wide. “Tim Burk?” she sputtered, a little too loudly.
Dani’s mother smiled neatly. “Yes, that nice boy you used to date in college.”
Dani shook her head. “He wasn’t a nice boy, mom. I don’t want to see him.” She turned on her heel and practically ran out of the room. So much for getting out of there unscathed.
***
Dani managed the drive to the airport without any major thoughts in her head. She even managed to make it through TSA and boarding without anger or guilt. But once she settled into her first class airplane seat, the frequent scene of some of her very best work and hardest thinking, the barriers in her mind broke down.
Tim Burk wanted to see her? For what? To remind her of the old days? To try to get her back? To get back at her? Her mind cast back to the last time she’d seen him. They’d been in a court of law. She’d been 22 years old, he’d been 24. The wheels of justice move slowly, and his trial and conviction for putting a line of bruises down her face and neck during college hadn’t happened until after they’d both graduated.
Her dad had effectively kept her from dating all through high school, doing things like sitting on the porch and cleaning his rifle when boys had been scheduled to visit her. So when she’d gone off to college, she didn’t have a lot of experience with members of the opposite sex. And somehow the first boy she’d picked, a supposed “nice boy” that actually was from her hometown, was a boy who thought it was OK to beat up on his dates.
She thought back to their short whirlwind romance. He taught her how to dance, she introduced him to sci-fi movies. They’d both entered the relationship as virgins, and Dani had shed that status eagerly and with something like relief. She never wanted to save herself for a husband, but she knew she would never be ready for casual sex either. Tim had been perfect. He was as inexperienced as she, but they had managed to muddle through sweetly, working their way towards familiarity with that most intimate of acts. For Dani, there had never been major fireworks, but she thought she had loved Tim, and she certainly had enjoyed their mutual exploration.
And then he had changed.
She’d been innocently talking to another boy after class about the assigned homework. Tim had showed up to walk home with her. He hadn’t said a word until they’d started crossing the massive, empty parking lot that led towards her dorm room. And then he’d been completely alien. His voice tight and stiff, he’d asked her just what the hell she’d thought she was doing. She was so surprised she’d stopped walking and stared at him questioningly. He had screamed at her that if she wanted to fuck other boys she shouldn’t do it in broad daylight. Completely nonplussed, she’d whispered ‘we were talking, not fucking,’ and he’d responded that he knew she wanted to fuck him. He had seen it in her eyes. She’d whirled and stalked off, thinking he’d gone deeply crazy. And the next thing she knew she was on the ground. He’d run up behind her and shoved her down. Then he ripped her backpack off of her and kicked her to the ground with the flat of his foot. She’d realized he really was crazy on some level at that point, and scrambled to her feet, breaking into a full-speed run towards the closest security phone with the blinking red and blue light up high where it could be seen from anywhere.
He’d followed, spitting curses. The second she picked up the phone and held it to her ear, his demeanor changed. “Why are you doing this to me?” he’d wailed, like she was the one who had knocked him to the ground. The campus security officer arrived swiftly, and told Tim he couldn’t visit Dani’s dorm, talk to her on the grounds, or call her anymore or he would be kicked out of school. That was definitely enough for Dani. She couldn’t imagine things would go any farther. She grieved the loss of her first real relationship, but never thought about it any more deeply than that.
And then she saw him at a party off campus.
At first he had been sweet, smiling, solicitous. Dani saw a spark of the old Tim. The one who had been such a patient and considerate lover and boyfriend. And then she’d excused herself to go to the bathroom. On the way, she’d said hi to a boy she knew from sociology class. And when she’d come out, Tim had been waiting for her. He hurled accusations at her like wood chips. Scared, she’d fled the party. He followed her to the sidewalk and grabbed her around her neck, choking her until she knew she was dying. The college students on the porch of the house she just left didn’t do anything to break it up. Somehow this turned Dani’s stomach more than what was actually happening to her. She fought with a burst of strength, connecting hard with his jaw, staggering him backwards a step - just enough to let her get some air. He’d screamed at her like she was the aggressor then, and let go with one hand, punching her in the face. A red convertible screeched up to the curb and stopped, four women, or girls - Dani had never known what to call the 18 and 19 year olds she hung out with - jumped out. They pushed him away from her and gathered her into the car like saviors. They took her to the hospital and insisted she make a police report.
She never told her parents. She was too ashamed. Too ashamed that suddenly, somehow, she’d become a battered woman. She’d tried to leave school but her mother wouldn’t hear of it. A year later, she finally worked up the courage to transfer to a neighboring school that would still take her grant money and work-study course. And she didn’t let her mother stop her. That was the day when she first felt like an adult. When she finally felt competent to make her own decisions. But she never looked at men the same way again.
Dani looked out the airplane window at the ground thousands of feet below. They’d taken off and she hadn’t even noticed. She waved away the stewardess, a strange feeling in her belly. She’d replayed all of this hundreds of times before. Especially late at night when she knew she had checked the lock on the door but she felt compelled to get up and check it again. Especially anytime a man paid special attention to her. Men whistling at her on the street made her almost sick to her stomach. Before the incident with Tim, a man whistling at her was flattering. But after? She knew what it really meant. She would hurry on, and check over her shoulder a hundred times to make sure no one was following her. A man on the street who thought it was OK to whistle at a perfect stranger was probably a man who thought it was OK to rough a woman up, as long as he didn’t leave marks and as long as she was his woman. Or maybe he was the kind to insist a little too hard that she have sex with him.
Dani examined the current sick feeling in her belly. No one was whistling at her. No one on the plane had even looked at her. Was this just because her mom said Tim wanted to see her? Was she still scared of him? No! Her mind insisted. Yes, her heart whispered. Dani grimaced, feeling even sicker. But that wasn’t the whole of it, was i
t? No. If she were being completely honest with herself, she needed to admit everything. Not just that she was still scared of him. Dani bit her lip and twisted in her seat, not wanting to admit or face anything. She waved a hand at the stewardess for a soda. Sugar would get her mind off this.
But 20 minutes and an entire Coca-cola later, her stomach still heaved and rolled. She chewed the inside of her lip to shreds, thoroughly pissed at her transparent nature. She’d never been able to ignore her inner voice. It always caught up with her eventually. True, she’d been doing a decent job ignoring this fact for what? Almost nine years now? But apparently her body wouldn’t let her ignore it anymore. Fine, she growled at herself mentally. I’m not just scared of Tim. I’m scared of men. All men. And relationships. Her stomach calmed at once. Dani rolled her eyes at herself. I guess it’s time for me to become a lesbian now.
It’s not like she hadn’t seen any men over the last nine years. She dated a few. And she hadn’t felt scared of them at all. But since she was being perfectly honest with herself, her brain wouldn’t let her get away with that. Sure you weren’t scared of them, because they were all perfectly small, timid, anxious men afraid of their own shadows. She’d never gotten serious with any of them. Never went farther than a second date. Of course not. You don’t like that kind of man generally. The kind of men you find sexy are rougher, bigger, all hard planes and rugged-looking. Dani almost groaned aloud. It was so ridiculous. The men she found attractive were also the type to scare the crap out of her these days. How was she ever supposed to get over this? She knew big, strong men existed that would never dream of laying a finger on a woman, no matter what the circumstances. Her father was one of them. But how to know beforehand? How to look at a man and just know that he would never hurt you? At least not physically. It wasn’t possible, was it?
Dani sighed and twisted more in her seat. She felt so ridiculous. What was she going to do? Never date again? She wanted to give men a chance. She yearned to be open and free again. But her mind wouldn’t let her. When a man she found handsome asked her out on a date, her brain screamed yes, but the words that came out of her mouth were always no. Back to that lesbian idea. I wonder what Mom would think if I brought home a woman?
Dani stared out the window at the endless expanse of blue water 30,000 feet below her. I admitted it, can I go back to ignoring it now? She asked herself. No spurt of anxiety flared in her belly. She took that as a yes. Good, she thought. Because I won’t be meeting any men where I’m going.
Chapter 6
T-24 hours
Camp Patriot Medical Clinic
JT finally finished the mountains of paperwork required to spend some of his leave at Camp Patriot. His leave wasn’t officially over yet and wouldn’t be for 4 more days. And when it was, he’d better be back on the Sinai Peninsula, chewing sand with the rest of his platoon.
Grief hit him in the gut like a brick. A third of his platoon was wiped out. Mowed down on some crazy mission. What would happen now? Would they send out new guys to fill the boots that no one could ever fill? Or would their platoon be called back stateside early? Or would they be told to suck it up and drive on? Pulling double and triple duty to make up for the missing bodies? At this point, JT didn’t care. They had five more weeks of desert duty and then they were heading back stateside. JT didn’t mind overseas duty, but he sure did hate being in the desert, where the spiders were as big as puppies and you never, ever felt clean. Most of his Marines had the same aversion to the desert. Shane especially. Maybe Shane would get to go back early if he was as fucked up as his letter made it sound.
Shane. Just thinking about his buddy put a smile on JT’s face. He couldn’t wait to see him, fucked up or not. He might even tell Shane about his sisters (sisters!). As much as he tried to keep his mind from returning to that astonishment, he hadn’t been successful yet. He still wasn’t sure he believed it.
JT asked the keyboard jockey who had taken his paperwork where the medical clinic was. Once he had directions he took off through the base streets at a fast walk, ignoring the Army privates who gave him sneaky sidelong glances as they passed, mostly out of fear, he thought. They probably recognized Navy rank OK, but didn’t see a lot of Marines here, so they weren’t sure of his rank or his general attitude.
He entered the medical clinic, a drab tan building on the outside, but almost solid OD green on the inside. Ah, the Army. They still loved the color green, even in the desert. JT put on his hard-charging, don’t-fuck-with-me, gunny-sergeant face and stepped up to the desk. A female Army medic sat behind it, her brown hair pulled into a tight bun, her uniform smart and sharp. “Yes, Gunny?” she said. JT allowed a small smile to pull at one cheek. At least someone on this base had their shit together. “I need to see Staff Sergeant Shane Teagan,” he said, wondering if Shane had already been transferred.
The medic’s face seemed to freeze, but somehow her eyes grew two sizes at the same time. “Ah,” she said, and pushed back from the desk. Her eyes, fearful and locked to his, said something was wrong. Instantly, JT’s heart lurched into his throat, choking him. Not Shane. No way.
“Ah,” she said again, then threw a glance over her shoulder, searching the clinic. “Wait here, please.” She got up and practically ran around the partition to the next room, her boots making no noise on the tile.
JT felt adrenaline flood his system, freezing his fingers and toes, but super heating his guts. He prayed he was overreacting. Please God. Please don’t let anything be wrong with Shane, he prayed.
An age passed. The medic did not reappear. The curtain between this reception area and the bay area with the beds and patients mocked him. When he could take it no longer, he strode forward on feet that felt numb in his boots. He pulled the ugly green curtain aside and swept his head right and left. Most of the beds were empty. The two closest to the door had men in them. Neither was Shane. He saw the medic on the far side of the room in a heated discussion with someone wearing scrubs. He started their way.
The medic saw him and turned away. The woman she had been talking with turned toward him and started walking his way, her face set in disapproval. JT could tell from here that she was a First Lieutenant. Great. Someone with just enough rank to think they could tell him what to do, but not enough authority to tell him what he needed to know.
The woman met JT halfway in the room and made a twirling gesture with her finger. “You aren’t allowed in here. Go back to the reception area.”
JT headed out, then looked over his shoulder to see if she was following him. She was. Good. When they made it back on the other side of the curtain he turned and waited. She stared him down.
“I am looking for SSG Shane Teagan, is he here?” he asked.
The Lieutenant pursed her lips and shook her head. “No,” she said, drawing the word out like there was more to it, or possibly like she wasn’t telling the truth.
“Where is he?” JT asked, his hot and cold places switching sides.
She shook her head again. “I can’t tell you that. You’ll have to talk to his chain of command.”
Perfect. “I am his chain of command. Gunnery Sergeant Jon Taylor. I’m his Platoon Sergeant.” Now was the time for an offensive, JT decided. He pressed his body forward slightly. “What is going on here? The last I heard, SSG Teagan was here, where is he now?” JT put every ounce of authority he possessed into his words. He saw the Lt. look left and right out of the corner of her eyes, as if she wanted to escape. And then the disapproval in her face broke. Her shoulders slumped.
“Gunnery Sergeant, come with me, please.” She motioned for him to follow her into a room off the reception area. Her office. Sparsely furnished with only her nursing diploma on the wall. JT didn’t want to be here. He wanted her to spit it out already. He wanted to not hear what he was about to hear.
She sat down in her chair and folded her fingers in front of her, inclining her head towards the chair on his side of her desk. He gripped the back of it, trying not to yell. H
e sat down stiffly and looked at her. Tell me already.
“I’m very sorry to tell you that SSG Teagan died this morning.” She looked at her watch. “Approximately six hours ago. He suffered massive heart failure last night and stopped breathing. We had him on a ventilator until this morning, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t keep his heart beating.” She watched his face carefully. “I’m very sorry,” she said again.
JT felt his throat constrict. His vision went gray around the edges. He’d had men die under him before. He’d seen body parts flung and chests burst apart, so why was this more horrible than any of that? Because they were here in the hospital? In the safe place? Because it was one more nail in a coffin already full of metal? Because Shane was his best friend in the world? Because there was something horribly, stinking wrong about this? JT heard a frightful noise split the room and realized it came out of his chest. He bit back another sob as it tried to push past his lips and turned away from the Lieutenant. He had to get out of here.
He pushed to his feet and ran out the door, his face twisting in grief. He’d known. And he’d been right. And now his mom was gone. Shane was gone. An entire squad of men he loved was gone.
JT fled onto the street and battled with his emotions.
***
An hour later, JT walked back into the medical clinic, his face scrubbed, his eyes hard and distant. The female medic stood up from her desk immediately and yelled “Lieutenant, he’s here!” without looking away from him. JT heard the sound of sneakers running towards them.
The Lieutenant burst through the curtain and grabbed his arm, pulling him towards her office again. “Thank goodness you came back! I was quite worried about you.” She bustled him into the hateful chair and closed the door. “SSG Teagan was a good friend of yours.” It was a statement not a question. JT nodded anyway. For the first time he looked at the Lieutenant’s name tag. Dawson. He looked at her eyes. They were soft with understanding. And blue. He didn’t know if this meant anything to him. His mind was quite blown apart, no matter how hard he had tried to get it together. But a few coherent thoughts had come to him while he walked.