“Well, I’ve been around a while. I’ve seen my share of children come into this world—brought a few in myself, you might remember.”
Devon chuckled.
“There was no internet back then, and most of the advice you got was in the hair salon where we were exposed to chemicals and heat, or in the grocery store where we bought lunch meats and coffee that we drank every morning. I’m not saying that we couldn’t have been healthier. I am saying that we managed to deliver a lot of healthy babies. Some of them came on time, some of them wanted to wait a little longer, and quite a few made an appearance before we were ready to pull up the curtain. If the doctor didn’t seem overly concerned, you shouldn’t be. Relax, Devon. You’re going to give yourself a heart attack before my grandson gets here. And, trust me when I tell you that he’ll put you through a hell of a lot more paces in the years to come.”
“See? You do think it’s a boy.”
“Just don’t let Carrie name him Harry,” Jillian joked. “No matter when he gets here.”
Devon finally laughed. “I think she’s leaning toward Ephraim these days—Blanche if it’s a girl—which it will be.”
Jillian rolled her eyes. Carrie had been torturing Devon with the most ridiculous names she could find for months. Jillian understood it was in response to Devon’s constant assertion that they would be welcoming a daughter. At first, she’d thought that Devon was merely teasing Carrie. As the months passed, Jillian realized that Devon was truly convinced Carrie was having a girl. “Devon?”
“Yeah?”
“Why are you so sure Carrie is having a girl?”
“I told you; I had a dream.”
“We all have dreams.”
Devon shrugged. “I just know.”
“I hope you won’t be disappointed.”
“You mean if somehow I’m wrong? Which I’m not. No, I don’t care. I just know.”
“Dev!”
Devon laughed when CJ skidded into the room in her socks. “Yes?”
“Where’s Mom?”
“She’s waiting at home for us.”
“Did you see the baby?”
“No, not today. We’ll be seeing the baby pretty soon, though,” Devon said. Hopefully, not too soon. “Tonight, we’re having dinner with Daddy, remember?”
CJ looked at her feet.
“CJ?”
“I don’t wanna go.”
“Daddy has a meeting in Boston tomorrow. So, you aren’t going home with him.”
CJ brightened.
“But, CJ, you do have to spend time with Daddy. You know that.”
CJ shuffled her foot. “Yeah.”
“Why don’t you want to go with your dad?” Devon asked. She and Carrie had tried to talk to CJ about her reluctance to spend one on one time with her father. CJ’s reaction tended to either come in the form of tears or she would shut down completely. It had taken a toll on everyone, Carrie most of all. They were away from home now. She wondered if Carrie’s absence from the conversation might compel CJ to offer some insight. “Sweetie?” Devon urged gently. “You love your dad. Why don’t you want to stay with him?”
CJ looked up at Devon through watery eyes.
“Honey, you can tell me,” Devon promised.
“You might go away.”
“Me?”
CJ nodded. “And Mom.”
Devon tried to steady her emotions. Insecurity lingered for CJ. The loss of her mother and all that had preceded that loss continued to drive CJ’s fears. While Devon was sure that CJ was excited about a baby arriving, she also recognized that it had increased CJ’s anxiety. Would a baby make Carrie and Devon love her less? Devon laughed when people underestimated children’s understanding of their world. CJ grasped the reality that this baby would be Carrie’s. And, she understood that while she accepted and loved Carrie as her mother, Dar and Tom were her biological parents. Dar had stepped away from CJ for months. Tom was constantly being called away. What would happen if CJ lost Carrie and Devon? Devon pulled CJ onto her lap.
Jillian looked on without comment. Families could be complicated. Families were comprised of individuals. Connection and love did not always mitigate insecurity and fear. In fact, there were times when loving someone fanned the flames of fear—fear of loss. She’d felt that fear in the past, something she’d never shared with any of her children. As she watched her daughter tenderly address CJ, Jillian resolved herself that it was time to share some of the demons in her past. It might help give Devon and Carrie a better understanding of why CJ continued to struggle. One thing Jillian had experience with as a parent was sibling rivalry and jealousy. She’d navigated those rocky waters each time a new addition had entered their family. Babies required attention—lots of it. Pregnancies also garnered attention and excitement. No matter how much a mother endeavored to involve her children and keep them excited about a new brother or sister, some amount of uncertainty lingered. CJ’s situation was compounded by a past marked by loss.
Devon brushed CJ’s bangs from her eyes. “CJ,” she began tenderly. “You aren’t going to lose us. We love you more than anything in the whole, wide world. Do you know that when you are at your dad’s, Mom counts the days until you come back? Just like you do.”
CJ’s eyes widened.
“I count them too. I don’t get as much pizza or popcorn when you’re away. And, Mom doesn’t play Angry Birds with me either.”
CJ giggled.
Devon took a deep breath. “Why do you think we’ll go away, sweetie?”
“Cause you got another one.”
“Another one? You mean the baby?”
CJ nodded.
“Well, not yet,” Devon reminded CJ. Hopefully, not too soon. She sucked in another deep breath and considered how to continue. Carrie had addressed this issue many times. It seemed to Devon that no words were able to allay CJ’s worry. What do I say? “CJ, adding someone new doesn’t mean that you have to take anyone else away. That’s not how it works.”
CJ looked at Devon and bit her quivering lower lip.
Jillian covered her mouth to hide her grin. CJ had picked up on many things from Devon. She mirrored so many of Devon’s mannerisms that sometimes Jillian thought she was watching a five-year-old Devon in her kitchen.
Devon continued, oblivious to her mother’s observation. “I have brothers and sisters. Mom has Uncle Ford. Look at Dakota. She has two sisters and another one on the way,” Devon said. “Grandma Jill loves all of us the same. Sometimes, when I was younger, Uncle Kit needed Grandma more than me. Sometimes, I needed Grandma more than Aunt Madison. Grandma was always there, though—just like she is now.” She kissed CJ’s forehead. God, I wish I could make everything okay for you. “Do you remember when we were talking about math?”
CJ nodded.
“You do?” Devon asked.
CJ nodded again. “Yep. One plus one is two, and two plus two is four.”
“Right. What we’re doing is just like that. We’re not taking anything away, CJ. We’re just adding one more to the one we have.”
CJ nodded.
Devon could tell that CJ was unconvinced. What do I do? “Just remember that,” she said. “Daddy loves you too, and he likes to spend time with you.”
Another nod came in reply.
Oh, CJ. Devon kissed CJ’s forehead again. “Go get your things and say goodbye to Dakota,” she said. “We’ll go home and have dinner.”
CJ hopped off Devon’s lap and ran into the other room.
Devon’s face fell into her hands.
“Devon,” Jillian said.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Exactly what you’re doing.”
“Because that’s working so well.”
Jillian reached across the table for Devon’s hands. “Devon, look at me.”
“I don’t know what to do, Mom. Carrie’s tried. I’ve tried to make her feel safe.”
“She feels safe when she’s with you. All you can do is keep repeat
ing what you just said—keep showing her and telling her that you love her. That’s all you can do, sweetheart. She lost something that she thought she’d always have. You and Carrie are her anchor, Devon. You have to remember that in her mind she was apart from her mother and her mother never came back. She’s afraid that if she leaves you and Carrie for any length of time that will happen again. She’ll get there. It’s going to take time.”
“It kills me,” Devon said. “And, Carrie? Mom, Carrie cries when CJ calls begging to come home. She feels guilty about Tom. She feels sorry for CJ. You know her; she blames herself for not being able to fix it. I think on some level she’s worried she’s not a good mother.”
“I’m sure she is.”
“That’s insane.”
Jillian smiled. “Are you telling me that you don’t worry about that?”
“I’m not anyone’s mother yet.”
“Really?”
“It’s not the same, Mom. I know CJ loves me but I’m not Carrie.”
“No, and I’m not your father. Do you love him less?”
“What? No.”
“Maybe you should take that math lesson yourself.”
“What?”
Jillian shrugged. “What you told CJ about math—why don’t you think that applies to you? Just because you weren’t there from the beginning of her life doesn’t mean that she loves you less.”
“I know. It’s just…”
“She loves you, Devon. You don’t see the way she looks at you. And, you don’t see all the ways she mirrors you—tries to be like you. It reminds me of you with your father.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that we all play different roles in people’s lives. That includes our kids. You would crawl into my lap to cuddle. You were never interested in most of the things that I was doing. I would be on the porch painting or in the garden; you would be off pretending to be a chef. You wanted to go with your father to work.” Jillian recalled a young Devon. “It could be the sunniest day of the year; you would still ask if you could go with your father when he had a big wedding or banquet. You loved it. You wanted to be like him.”
“Yeah, but…”
“There’s no but. You walk like him. You bite your lip when you’re nervous just like he does. You talk with your hands. You studied him, Devon. You were always enthralled with your father. CJ is just like that with you. You’re right; Carrie is her rock. She loves you both. You need to keep reminding her that you love her just as much. You’re doing what you need to do.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.”
CJ appeared in the doorway.
“Why don’t you play with Dakota for a few more minutes?” Jillian suggested. “I’m going to make Devon another cup of tea.” She winked.
CJ grinned and scampered off to find her best friend.
“I don’t need more tea, Mom.”
“No, but I have something I want to tell you.”
“Oh, no.”
“Stop with the doom and gloom already.”
“I can’t help it! I feel like I’m failing everyone.”
“If you’re talking about Carrie’s pregnancy, that’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? She’s stressed about CJ, Mom. She worries about putting too much on me. How can I be sure that isn’t why this is happening?”
“Devon, stop. If Carrie goes a little early everything will be fine. She’s close. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. As for CJ, that’s a situation you can do something about.”
“You just told me all I could do is what I’m doing.”
“I did.” Jillian got up from her seat, filled the tea kettle with water, and placed it on the stove. “You never knew my father.”
“No. You don’t talk about him much.”
“I don’t.”
“I always figured that was because it was too hard for you after he died.”
Jillian nodded. “Not exactly.” Jillian closed her eyes and steadied her breathing for a moment. Talking about her childhood remained difficult for her. It was a topic that she chose to avoid whenever possible. She’d recounted fond memories with her mother to her children over the years. When her mother had visited, attention always centered on what the grandchildren were doing. Jillian had chosen to concentrate on the happy memories her children had with their grandmother for countless reasons. She hoped that none of them would ever experience the upheaval she had as a child. Now, she felt Devon needed to hear the story. She startled when the kettle whistled.
“Mom? Are you okay?”
Jillian poured some water into her teacup, added a new tea bag and reclaimed her seat at the table. “I’m all right. I just haven’t talked about this in a long time.”
“Talked about what?”
A deep breath and a heavy sigh preceded Jillian’s answer. “When I was almost five, my father disappeared.”
“Disappeared? You mean he left?”
“Left—disappeared; I don’t know what you would call it. He came back—eventually.”
“Is that why you call him Houdini when you’re talking to Dad?”
Jillian nodded. “I suppose that’s my way of coping.”
“What happened?”
“Just what I said; he disappeared. It was two days before my fifth birthday. He told my mother he was going out to pick up a few things. I thought it was for a party or something. I was four. I remember that day as clearly as I do five minutes ago.”
“I don’t get it. He went to the store and…”
“I don’t get it either; never have. He went to the store and he came back three years later.”
Devon’s jaw dropped.
“I remember my mother crying in her bedroom. She didn’t want me or your Aunt Lori to see her crying. Lori was only two. I’m not sure how much she understood.”
“Mom, I had no idea. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“I’m not sure I know that answer,” Jillian confessed. “Some things, Devon, some things never go away. You learn to cope with them. There are things in a person’s life that change them forever. My father leaving was one of those things for me.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I understand how CJ feels. I understand her need to cling to Carrie—and, to you. My mother had to work after he left. She would take us to your great-grandmother’s house. I loved my grandparents. They were wonderful people. Every time my mother walked out the door, I worried she wouldn’t come back—every time.”
“How long? I mean, how long did you feel that way?”
“Truthfully?”
Devon nodded.
“Some part of me held that fear until the day she died.”
Devon’s heart sunk. “Mom…”
“I told you; you learn to cope. You learn that your fear can’t rule your life. That takes time, Devon—lots of time and tons of reassurance. Tom is gone a lot of the time,” she said.
“That’s not his fault.”
“It’s not about fault. It’s about feeling. Isn’t that why Tom asked Carrie to accept guardianship? To make CJ feel secure?”
“Yeah, but she’s still…”
“Afraid of losing Carrie. I know. Let me ask you something.”
“Okay.”
“Are you afraid of losing me or your father?”
“Well, yeah… I mean, not that you’ll leave, but that something will happen, sure.”
“Right. We all have that fear. It’s compounded by loss. And, you have to realize that CJ remembers that period of time when Dar chose not to be with her. You and Carrie, you choose to be with her.”
“Shouldn’t that make it better?”
“It makes you the center of her world, Devon. That’s wonderful, but it’s scary. I don’t know how to explain it to you. I can only tell you that I understand. You have to leave her sometimes. She knows that. It still makes her uneasy. Will that time be the time you don’t come back for her? I felt that way most of my life. It ev
en trickled into my marriage. Your father was patient. He’s a pain in my ass sometimes, but he is patient.”
Devon listened as her mother continued, amazed and touched by her mother’s story.
“All you can do is love CJ, just like all you can do is love Carrie and anyone else who comes along. That’s it, Devon. You do the best you can. Be patient. Be loving. Listen. It’s not your failure or your fault that CJ feels insecure. It’s just the way life has happened for her. She’ll be all right because she does have people who will stay. It’s going to take more than a year for that to register in her little brain, even if she feels it in her heart.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Why did he leave? Your father, I mean.”
Jillian sighed. “I don’t know. I just know that one day he was back. It wasn’t the same as before he left. It was never the same.”
“Did you forgive him?”
“I think so. I loved him. Yes, I think I could say that I forgave him. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness. And, it’s the lingering memory that will always conjure those traces of pain in the past.”
“Is that why you stayed home with us most of the time?”
“I never thought about it that way. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons. I wanted to be with you as much as I could. Your father wanted a big family. He had his reasons too. One of the things that has gotten us through the rockiest moments in our marriage is how much we love all of you.”
“I don’t remember you and Dad fighting much.”
Jillian grinned. “Well, we tried to keep that away from your ears. We’ve had our moments. Forty-one years is a long time. A lot happens in those years. There were a few moments I wasn’t sure how we’d make it through to the next. We always have. Sometimes, Devon, I look at you and the way you remind me of him, and I remember why I love him so much. Just like tonight, I looked at CJ, and I saw you in her.”
Devon smiled. “I love them, Mom. I don’t want to let them down.”
“Well, sometimes you might not do or say what they’re hoping you will,” Jillian said. “I think you’ll have a hard time letting them down. Don’t forget that CJ has had a different road than you or Carrie. I understand that you know that. It’s a bit like you asking me about forgiveness. Things will get better. CJ will become more comfortable, and for a little while, you’ll let the past slip to the back of your mind. Then it will appear again. The times when it’s not apparent will be longer, but eventually, that part of who CJ is will rear its head again. It’s part of who she is, Devon.”
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