by Kelsie Rae
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out, hoping to dispel any reservations Trisha has with Luke and I being roommates.
I see all the blood drain from Trisha’s face, and it takes me a second to figure out why.
So much for helping Luke out with his girlfriend.
I was trying to explain how unappealing I currently am, but she may have taken that the wrong way.
“Oh no, no, no, no. It’s not Luke’s.” I start to laugh, although there’s little humor in it.
“It’s…” I pause, Adam’s name catching in my throat. My eyes become glassy as I glance at Luke. I’m not sure why I’m on the verge of an epic meltdown, but it feels like my heart is about to split in two. Obviously I know this baby is Adam’s, and I’m still learning to accept that he’s gone, but saying it out loud to an absolute stranger feels like pouring salt into a festering wound. It hurts like hell.
The silence grows, and I can tell Luke wants to save me from my embarrassment but doesn’t know how. I’m light-headed, the blood is rushing in my ears, and my stomach is rolling. I’m about to lose it in front of someone I just met.
I shake my head, then turn to Trisha. “It was so nice to meet you, but I think I’m going to be sick.” I rush to the bathroom and barely make it to the toilet before vomiting up what little I had eaten earlier today. I rest my head on the cool porcelain, letting the tears silently stream down my cheeks.
A few minutes later I hear the front door close quietly, then footsteps echo down the hallway. I’m too embarrassed to see if Luke is staring at me, even though I can feel his gaze. I decide to peek between my hands as I sit slumped against the wall, my elbows resting on my knees. Sure enough, Luke is leaning against the doorway staring at me, his thick arms crossed over his chest.
I pull my knees to my chest, attempting to make myself small. Or smaller, anyway. I’ve never been exactly big. At 5’2 and 120 pounds when soaking wet, there’s not much to me. But today I feel like the size of an ant that just got squished under someone’s big ugly shoe.
I’m crushed. Why do I feel like I just got slapped in the face with my dismal reality?
I’m mad, too. Furious, actually. How dare Adam leave me to raise a child by myself? How could he do that to me? The red-hot anger is boiling inside of me, threatening to take over until I make someone hurt as much as I am.
Apparently, I’m at the anger stage of this crazy grief rollercoaster.
Stupid Google.
I can handle being a widow at 23. It won’t be easy. Damn near impossible, if I’m being honest. But I can do it. With time, I can get my life back together and move forward. Pick up the broken pieces and find some semblance of normalcy.
One day.
Having a child alone, though? That feels impossible. I wish Adam were here, just so I could yell at him. Scream until my voice is hoarse. Let him feel an ounce of the pain that I’m feeling. Why would he leave me? Why would he ask me to do this by myself? Why would he make an innocent little baby grow up without a father? How dare he!
Right now, all I’m feeling is hatred toward my dead husband, which is quickly followed by throbbing guilt deep in my soul.
I know he didn’t want to leave.
But he still did.
I think I might puke again.
I heave into the toilet as the sobs wrack my aching chest, wondering if this pain will ever lessen.
I hear the doorjamb creak as Luke pushes off of it, making his way over to me. He holds my blonde hair back until I finish dry heaving.
Afterwards, he leans against the wall then slides his back down until he’s sitting next to me.
He stays silent, leaving me alone in my thoughts for a few more minutes.
As the tears continue to slide down my face, Luke’s deep voice finally breaks the silence.
“Do you remember that time, right before graduation, when I found you in the girls’ bathroom?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you remember why you were crying?”
“Yeah,” I repeat, breaking eye contact with Luke and staring at the far wall. “My Grandma had just died, and I was afraid I would be all alone. You were going away to college, Adam’s mom was pressuring him to break up with me, again, and I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared everyone would leave me. Everything was changing, and I didn’t want to be alone.” I peek up at him. “I needed you guys.”
“And what did I tell you?” he asks quietly.
“You told me I would never be alone. You said Adam wasn’t a dumbass, and only a dumbass would break up with me.” I let out a light laugh, the tears drying on my cheeks. “You said that even though you were leaving for a little while, you would be thinking of me constantly, and that you would come back.” I pause, turning my face toward Luke once more.
“I did say that.” He pauses. “And did I come back?” he questions, his gaze piercing mine.
“Not by choice,” I reply bluntly, my earlier laughter gone.
He didn’t come back. He didn’t visit. He didn’t call. I never heard from him after he left. The only reason I ever saw him again was because his best friend died, and he was left to pick up the pieces. Me.
I stare at Luke, daring him to contradict me. He knows as well as I do that I never would’ve seen him again if it weren’t for Adam’s accident. I wasn’t worth the effort, or at least that’s how I felt. A lot of friends disappear after high school. I’m not naïve, and I couldn’t care less about the majority of them, but I thought our relationship was stronger than that. He was my best friend. The one I could talk to about anything. The one I relied on for everything. But he left, and he never looked back.
“I couldn’t come back. Not at the time.” He hesitates, breaking eye contact and running his hands over his dark hair in frustration. “But that had nothing to do with you.”
I wait for him to continue, not letting him off the hook. “Adam and I had a disagreement, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I couldn’t let it go.”
“What disagreement?” I ask, my curiosity getting the best of me. I didn’t know they’d had a fight. I would remember if there was something. I know I would.
“It doesn’t matter anymore, Liv. What matters is that I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to come back, I just didn’t know how. But I’m here now. I won’t let you go through this alone, okay? I promise.”
I feel my anger dissipate and rest my head on his broad shoulder as I pray that he keeps his word this time.
Luke
I’m in deep shit.
In more ways than one.
First, the whole Trisha thing. I was right in the middle of talking to her about my new roommate when Liv just had to saunter out of her room in one of Adam’s old hoodies and shorts so tiny you didn’t even know they were there due to them being swallowed whole by said hoodie.
And then, Liv just had to mention the pregnancy.
Obviously, Trisha jumped to the wrong conclusion. Her assumption got Liv so worked up, I couldn’t even focus on Trisha in order to set things straight. I practically shoved her out the door so I could check on the pregnant woman puking her guts out in my guest bathroom.
After seeing her sobbing, simultaneously breaking my heart and stirring up feelings that should definitely stay buried, I just had to promise her that I wasn’t going anywhere.
I’m not sure I can keep that promise. Not while keeping my own heart intact.
And mentioning my disagreement with Adam?
What the hell was I thinking?
Chapter Five
Liv
Luke and I fall into a routine after the “Trisha Incident,” as I like to call it. I never really see her, although Luke does have late nights often and sometimes doesn’t come home until morning. I’m not naïve enough to wonder where he goes, or what he’s doing.
I haven’t really started looking for a job yet because morning sickness has kicked my ass. I’ve been living on the couch, nibbling saltine crackers and drinking ginger ale for the past
six weeks. Thankfully, it’s finally starting to get better, and I should be able to start looking for a job in the next couple of weeks.
Luke and I are sitting on the couch watching Seinfeld reruns before bed. My feet are in his lap while he’s busy texting Trisha. Or I assume that’s what he’s doing. He keeps shifting in his seat and sneaking glances at me. He’s not very subtle.
Are they talking about me?
“Your appointment is tomorrow, right?” he asks casually, while looking at his phone.
I can feel my forehead crease as I hesitantly reply, “Yes?”
Even though I answer, it’s stated like a question. I have no idea where he’s going with this.
“Mind if I join you?”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I was just wondering if you’d like some company.” He’s still looking at his phone like he’s afraid of my answer.
"The baby’s not yours so why do you care?" I don’t mean it to come out so sharp, I’m just genuinely curious as to why he insists on being part of this pregnancy. And I may or may not be a little hormonal.
He finally looks up at me with his piercing green eyes. I can feel him looking deep inside me as if he’s seeing past my armor and knows how hard it is to go through this pregnancy alone. He looks so serious, and I can see he’s trying to find the right words to answer my overly blunt question.
After a few minutes, he finally replies.
"It doesn't matter if it's mine, Liv, the baby’s yours. He, or she, is a part of you, and because of that one simple fact, I will care for both of you for as long as you need me."
His declaration stuns me into silence, and before I can really contemplate his answer, he changes the subject to a safer topic. He uses this tactic a lot. Whenever things start to get too deep or serious, he always finds a way to bring us back to our comfort zones and “safe” topics.
“So, what is the pregnant woman craving today?” he asks with a knowing smile, putting his phone down and massaging my feet.
I won’t deny that I’m definitely pickier about what I want to eat now that I have a bun in the oven. He’s had to learn the hard way that I change my mind constantly about what I’m in the mood for.
I’ve even managed to branch out with my eating habits a bit lately. They’re pretty random, though. Hamburger with extra pickles? Salt and vinegar chips with ranch? Hot chocolate with sprinkles? Yup.
Poor Luke. He’s had a hell of a time dealing with these cravings, but it’s definitely better than listening to me puke multiple times a day, so he’s not complaining.
“A grilled cheese and…” I pause, considering my options, “some scalding hot chocolate pudding.”
He throws his head back, laughing and shaking his head at my ludicrous request.
“Scalding hot, huh? Coming right up.”
Luke gently places my feet on the couch as he stands and heads toward the kitchen, his charcoal sweats riding low on his hips.
“So…how’s Trisha?” I ask, as I see his phone light up with her name.
He looks over at me, confused. “Fine, I guess. Why?”
“I dunno,” I say, trying to sound inconspicuous. “I know I embarrassed you and all, but you haven’t brought her around since the incident.” I punctuate the last two words and make finger air quotes.
He smiles shyly and rubs his hand over his hair, avoiding eye contact.
“Well, I figured you’d want privacy.” He shrugs.
Now I’m the one confused.
“Privacy? What are you talking about? This is your apartment. Did she come over here before I moved in?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Then she should still be able to come over, Luke. Seriously. I know what boys and girls do at night. You shouldn’t have to hide that from me. I get it. Hell, I’m pregnant remember? You shouldn’t have to rearrange your entire life just because you decided to take in a charity case,” I say, exasperated, pointing to my chest.
“You’re not a charity case,” he replies sternly. I can see his fisted hands on the granite counter.
He and I have had this argument multiple times. He refuses to let me help with the rent and even gets grouchy when I insist on cleaning or doing his laundry. I figure it’s the least I can do. He’s taken me in, pays for everything, and he even offered to go to my doctor’s appointment with me.
He shouldn’t have to give up his, ahem… extra-curricular activities, too. I mean, I know he’s not giving those up, but it must be exhausting never being home and feeling like you have to tiptoe around your roommate all the time.
I jump onto my knees and lean over the back of the couch, resting my elbows on the edge. “Luke. Invite her over. I’m sure when you insist on being at her place all the time, it doesn’t exactly give her warm fuzzies about you having a girl roommate. Maybe if she sees us together a little more, and makes her presence more known, she won’t be so nervous or whatever,” I ramble, trying to be diplomatic.
I don’t know that she’s nervous, but I have heard a few heated conversations when he’s been on the phone. I can definitely put two and two together.
Luke clears his throat, nods, and then starts pulling out the ingredients for my grilled cheese.
I know I’m right. I just don’t want him to regret asking me to stay with him. I have nowhere else to go, and I want to be as accommodating as possible. I owe him a lot, and if helping his relationship with Trisha makes his life easier, then it’s the least I can do.
Chapter Six
Liv
As we walk into the doctor’s office, I notice how many of the women are alone. Some with swelling bellies, others without. I feel silly now for bringing Luke along, even if he insisted on coming in the first place. I can do this alone. I need to get used to it anyway.
The place is surprisingly busy with only a few chairs available. We find a love seat in the corner and sit down. I may have underestimated the size of the cushion because our knees are definitely touching. Luke doesn’t move his away as he grabs a Parents magazine from a nearby coffee table, so I shrug off our close proximity, too.
I’m nervous. I guess that makes sense because this is my first appointment, but I still don’t like feeling this way. I barely notice my leg bouncing before Luke lays his palm on my knee, rubbing his thumb back and forth. I’m wearing skinny jeans, and even though he’s not directly touching my skin, his touch is still soothing.
I stare at his hand for a moment before hearing the nurse say my name.
I look up at Luke’s face as he squeezes my leg and says, “You’re up!” He starts to stand, but hesitates and asks, “Are you sure you’re okay with me joining you?” His tone is so sincere. I know he would respect my privacy if I asked him to, yet I also know he genuinely wants to support me and come with me to the exam room.
I nod as I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans.
Why am I so nervous? People get pregnant all the time. Nothing will go wrong. Everything will be fine.
And if it isn’t, well, that would be more convenient now wouldn’t it?
I shake my head, ashamed of my ridiculously negative thoughts. I feel tears prick my eyes as I let the truth grip me. I would be heartbroken if I lost this baby, even if he, or she, is making my life a billion times more difficult.
I grab Luke’s hand and let the nurse lead us to our room, anxious for the doctor to reassure me that everything is right on track.
The exam room looks like any other doctor’s office I’ve visited, and I take a seat on the exam table covered with the crinkly white paper. The nurse then tells me to change out of my pants and to put a blanket on my bare lap before quickly shutting the door behind her.
Luke shifts uncomfortably on his feet before pointing his thumb over his shoulder and mumbling, “I’ll be right outside.” Before he can get to the door, my nerves get the best of me. I grab his arm, my nails digging in to his tan skin, and practically yell, “Don’t leave me!”
He chuckles as he patiently stat
es, “I’ll be right outside, Liv. As soon as you’re changed, I’ll come right back in.” He looks at me reassuringly and speaks to me like you would a skittish animal.
I guess him waiting outside makes sense, especially when I don’t want him to see me naked. I just don’t know how to handle the idea of being alone. And not just in this moment, but in the big scheme of things. It finally hits me that I really am going to have a baby by myself, and the one person who is here for me, won’t always be. It makes me want to cry.
Again.
Damn pregnancy hormones.
I have to concentrate on releasing my death grip on Luke’s muscular forearm as I mumble, “I guess that makes sense.” I try to laugh to lighten the mood, but I know it sounds forced.
Luke turns around and faces me fully. He gently grabs my face between his two large hands. His calloused fingers softly scratch against my smooth cheeks, but I kind of love how comforting it feels; it feels like my Luke.
“I’ll be right outside. I promise.” He doesn’t release me until I acknowledge that I understand his comment. I nod my head slowly and close my eyes, taking a deep breath. I feel his lips brush my forehead as he whispers comfortingly, “You can do this. Open the door when you’re finished.” Then he’s gone.
I undress slowly, slightly ashamed by my neediness. Luke has a life outside of me and my drama. How can I drag him into this? I can’t help but feel guilty. It’s not his baby. He shouldn’t feel obligated to be here, and yet he asked if he could join. It may be selfish, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, and that scares the crap out of me.
After opening the door once I’m modest, or as modest as I can be while totally naked except for a piece of white polyester fabric on my lower half, I sit on the crinkly paper once more.
Luke smiles at me and takes a seat in the exam room chair. He rubs his chin as if he’s thinking about something important and asks, “Remember junior year in chemistry when you accidentally lit Rebecca Wells’ hair on fire?”