by Kelsie Rae
As soon as these thoughts enter my head, guilt quickly follows. I start to question if I’m replacing Adam with his best friend. And I still remember what Luke said the moment before we kissed for the first time, that he was okay with being second place.
I don’t want Luke to feel that way. It isn’t fair to him, and it definitely isn’t true. There isn’t a first or second place. There are just two separate men that I’ve loved, and will continue to love for the rest of my life. They’ve always held different pieces of my heart.
Holy shit. Did I just use the L-word?
I think I’ve always known that I’ve loved Luke a little bit, but to come to that realization while sitting on my dead husband’s mother’s couch is a bit too much to handle.
I feel so confused.
And dizzy. I feel dizzy.
Like I’m on a Tilt-a-Whirl and might vomit all over said plush cream carpet if I don’t clear my head soon.
Before I can get a grip on my overwhelming emotions, Susan’s crisp voice interrupts my swirling thoughts.
“Liv, honey. I think you and I should talk in private,” she states cautiously, as though talking to a skittish animal.
“No chance in hell will I let you do that,” Luke growls protectively, his arm wrapping around my shoulders.
“Why not? Afraid I’ll turn her against you for good? Show her your true colors?” Susan spits, angrily. “How you would lie? Cheat? Steal? Do whatever was in your power to take her away?”
Mama Bear is back with a vengeance.
I’m shocked by how drastically her tone changed from carefully handling me like a china doll, to practically attacking Luke as if he were a cockroach under her shoe.
I want to ask what she’s talking about, but I’m frozen to the spot. My mind is attempting to comprehend her cryptic statement while still grappling to get a handle on my fraying emotions.
“Don’t listen to her, Liv. She’s trying to manipulate you. I think we should leave,” he whispers calmly into my ear while attempting to comfort me.
“Don’t listen to me?” Susan sneers, obviously overhearing Luke. “You think he’s a shining knight with a white horse coming to rescue you? He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing, Liv. He even made up some ridiculous story about Adam cheating on you before graduation. Can you believe that?” she scoffs, oblivious to the bomb she just dropped out of nowhere.
Her statement shocks my system enough to push me to stand, slipping Luke’s arm from my shoulder, my mind reeling. I turn and look at Luke, silently demanding an explanation. He looks up at me with glassy green eyes, silently pleading with me. “Liv. Don’t make me do this.”
I swallow thickly. “Do what, Luke?” I whisper, holding his gaze.
“Don’t make me break your heart for him.”
I shake my head in denial. Not wanting to hear his explanation, but needing the truth more.
“Tell me what you mean,” I demand, surprised by my steely voice.
Luke runs his fingers through his thick hair, pulling slightly on the ends before speaking.
“The night your grandma died, remember I found you in the girl’s bathroom and you told me you never wanted to be alone?”
I nod, listening.
“I knew you needed Adam, so I texted him, but he never replied. He was supposed to be home for a family dinner. I drove to his house. This house,” Luke scoffs, taking in the great room. “I rushed in here without knocking, knowing you needed him to comfort you, and found him with someone else.” He looks at the ground shamefully, almost as if Adam’s transgression is his own.
I’m too shocked to speak. But I don’t need to as Luke rushes on.
“I’m so sorry, Liv. I was pissed as hell that he would betray you like that, and we got into a fight. I told him that he didn’t deserve you. That he let the best thing that ever happened to him slip through his fingers. I could see the guilt written all over his face. I know he had been drinking; the room reeked of alcohol. And you know Adam never drank. Not like that’s any excuse, but….” His voice trails off, leaving me to fill in the blank.
Luke shakes his head, not wanting to relive the moment.
“Adam looked me in the eyes, and I could see how at war he was with himself. He felt guilty as hell, but was defensive too. You know how he never liked to be wrong, Liv. He said, ‘You let her slip through your fingers first. You could’ve had her, but you were too much of a pussy to do anything about it.’ And he was right, Liv. Adam was right. I lost you before I ever even had you. But you seemed so happy with Adam, and I didn’t want to ruin that.” Luke stands up and starts pacing around the room like a caged beast, running his shaky hands through his hair.
“And he loved you. I know he did. You could see how much he regretted it. I told him about your grandmother, and I could see his heart breaking for you right before my eyes. He decided then and there that his little slip-up would be just that. A one-time slip-up. He wasn’t going to break up with you right after your Grandma died. He didn’t want to leave you alone. He was just feeling so much pressure from his mom,” Luke glares at Susan, “and going away to college. He had never been with anyone but you. It’s no excuse, but it practically tore him in two. He spent the rest of his life trying to make it up to you.”
Luke looks as if his heart is breaking, right along with mine.
“He loved you, Liv. He did. He was just a stupid kid, who did a really stupid thing, and regretted it for the rest of his life,” Luke whispers, defeated.
I try to comprehend his confession, but one thing keeps coming back.
“So, you lied to me?” I ask, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“No, Liv. I mean, yes,” he chokes out, “but, I didn’t mean to. It just wasn’t my secret to tell. I wanted to. But I knew you loved him. I didn’t want to see your heart get broken, especially after everything else you were going through,” he apologizes, silently begging me to forgive him.
I shake my head in denial. This can’t be happening.
The only reason Adam and I stayed together was because he felt too guilty to break up with me?
We freaking got married. I’m having his effing baby. Did he ever even love me?
“Don’t be ridiculous, Luke. Adam would never do that. See, Liv? See what I was talking about? See the insane lies Luke has been spinning? Making my precious Adam into the bad guy? He loved you! And I honestly don’t remember pressuring him that much,” Susan interrupts, as though she has any right to be involved in this conversation.
I had forgotten she was even in the room.
I quickly wipe the tears from my eyes, willing myself to become numb for the next few hours. Long enough to get alone and digest this new information by myself.
I feel betrayed.
But I believe him. He isn’t lying.
Susan is just a proud mother who is unable to see the flaws in her only son.
I remember how things were a few weeks before graduation. I remember Adam becoming more distant. I remember Susan pressuring him like hell to break up with me so he could sow his wild oats in college.
And I remember the pain I felt when my grandmother died. I remember Luke holding me, promising me that everything would be all right. That he would make it all better.
And I guess this was his way of keeping that promise.
But it also broke my heart in the process.
I feel like the last five, almost six, years have been a lie. A big. Giant. Lie.
Without a single word, I make my way to the guest bathroom to compose myself. I can hear Luke and Susan whisper-yelling at each other as I close the door gently behind me.
After using the restroom and splashing cold water on my face, I’m reminded of the morning of Adam’s funeral. How I splashed cold water on my face that morning, too. How I gave myself a little pep talk, promising myself that I would figure things out. That I needed to get my shit together and get through the next few days because they were going to happen, whether I wanted them to or not.
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I look at myself in the mirror, taking note of my red, swollen eyes. I run my fingers through my hair before pulling it into a ponytail. I breathe in and out slowly, deeply, and count to one hundred before smoothing down my maxi dress and opening the door.
Luke is waiting in the entryway with my black puffy jacket and his thick winter coat.
Susan is nowhere to be seen, although I think that’s for the best until I can sort through the myriad of emotions fighting inside of me.
Luke holds up my jacket, allowing me to slip my arms through the sleeves. After it’s completely on, he places his hand on my lower back and leads me to his car, which is already running. Apparently, he had come outside earlier to warm it up. I’m grateful for his thoughtfulness as I let the heat soak into my numb soul.
The car is silent except for the engine’s low hum as we make our way back to his parents’ house.
I’m sure he would kill to know what I’m thinking right now. But, honestly? I’m not really sure what I’m thinking. The only thing I’m choosing to focus on is my Little Man.
I rest my hand on my stomach and savor every little kick, every tiny nudge, refusing to let my tears fall.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Liv
When we finally reach Luke’s childhood home, I still haven’t uttered a word. I go inside, pack my bags, and request an Uber to come pick me up.
Thankfully, his family is nowhere to be seen. I think they’re at Luke’s grandparents’ house. It is still Christmas, after all.
Merry freaking Christmas.
I make my way down the stairs, my luggage in hand. Luke hears me lumbering down the steps and walks down the hall from the kitchen, eyeing my suitcases in disbelief.
“Liv. Where’re you going?” he murmurs, hesitantly. “Do you want to leave right now? I’ll go pack my stuff. Give me ten minutes and we’ll head home. My parents will understand. No big deal.” He comes over and grabs my luggage from my hands, gently placing it by the front door.
I shake my head, refusing to let any tears fall.
Not yet.
You can break down in the car, but not yet.
I close my eyes, willing the tears to disappear when I feel Luke’s strong hands cradle my face.
“Liv. Don’t cry, Sweetheart. I’ve got you,” he whispers, placing a gentle kiss on my forehead, reminding me of all the times he’s caught me when he could have easily just let me fall.
I was never his to worry about. And yet, he still took on that responsibility.
A sob catches in my throat as I try to freeze this moment in time. Not the heartache that’s eating me from the inside out, but the feel of his soft lips tenderly brushing my forehead.
I shake my face in his hands, trying to pull myself together. He rests his forehead against mine.
“What are you doing, Liv? Where are you going to go?”
I shrug my shoulders, feeling the weight on them. “Doesn’t matter. Just…away. I think,” I breathe shakily.
“You can’t leave me, Liv. I need you. Don’t you know that by now? I’ve always needed you. I can’t let you go. I can’t be without you again,” he pleads, his vulnerability ripping my heart out.
I lick my lips slowly, trying to gain the courage to open my eyes and see his green ones staring back at me.
I take a deep breath before peeking at Luke, tears silently streaming down my cheeks.
“You lied to me.” He closes his eyes in shame. “Adam lied to me.” He slumps his shoulders, defeated.
“I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. All I can focus on right now is my baby who will be here within a month.” I try to swallow past the lump in my throat.
“Then let me drive you home, Liv. You need to be near Dr. Fellows.”
“I can find a doctor here. It’s not the first time someone’s moved mid-pregnancy, and it won’t be the last,” I say, steeling my resolve.
“Please, Liv. Don’t do this. I finally got you,” he whispers, his hands still cradling my face.
The moment feels so intimate, and I know I need to pull away to protect my throbbing heart, but I can’t bring myself to break free from his comforting touch. It’s like a soothing balm to my aching soul.
Let me savor him for one more minute.
I take a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to think clearly while still under the spell that Luke casts on me any time we’re in the same room.
“I need to be on my own for a little while. I need to come to terms with the fact that my dead husband lied to me. That he cheated on me. That my entire marriage may or may not have been completely out of obligation. I look back on our wedding day and can’t help but wonder if his happiness was genuine, or if he was just the greatest actor in the world. I need to accept that I may never truly find the answers I’m looking for. And most importantly, I need to find a way to forgive Adam for his gut-wrenching mistake. I can’t raise Adam’s son if I’m rotting from the inside out with guilt, shame, and hatred toward his father. Guilt because I’m so angry at him. I want to yell, kick, and scream at him, but he’s not even here to defend himself, or to apologize. I feel shame because I now have to wonder, for the rest of my life, if my husband ever truly loved me. And hatred because he lied to me; he broke my heart and left me here alone to pick up the pieces. I have all these emotions fighting inside of me, and I don’t think I can focus on the man I loved who shattered me and work toward forgiving him if I’m with another man who I think I might be in love with, too.”
Luke gasps at my confession, but I continue on.
“And honestly, Luke? I’m mad at you, too. How could you keep this from me? How could you cover for him? I thought I meant more to you than that.” I swallow thickly, Luke’s warm hands catching my salty tears, his shoulders slumped in defeat as though my words physically assault him.
“I’m going to go now, Luke. I want to be with you more than anything else in the world, but I need to lay the past to rest if I ever want to be able to move forward and have a healthy relationship. And I need to figure out if I can forgive you, too.”
I hear a honk, indicating my ride is here, and gently step out of Luke’s grasp. I can’t stand to say goodbye, so I simply hold his gaze, hoping to express, without words, how much I love him, how sorry I am, and how much I’m hurting.
I can see the pain in his eyes mirroring my own. I try to contain my sobs while I pick up my luggage and carry it to the black sedan waiting in the driveway.
The car pulls onto the street as I stare out the window, watching the man I love fade into the distance.
Luke
I angrily pace the hallway, arguing with myself over the right way to handle this situation.
Do I go after her?
Give her space?
Demand she come home where she belongs?
Tell her I love her and can’t live without her?
Again.
I tried living without her before. It was hell. I can’t go back to living that way. But I will, if that’s what she thinks she needs. I would do anything for her.
Do I attempt to explain how much Adam really did love her? That he was stupid and made one childish mistake? It was inexcusable, but he was a stupid seventeen year old, and I know he regretted it.
That’s what kills me the most. How can she honestly think no one could love her? Does she really think Adam would throw away his life to be with someone he didn’t love? It wasn’t like that. I knew Adam. I saw the way he looked at her. He loved her. He was an idiot, and he made a mistake. But he loved her.
If he didn’t, he would’ve waited a few months before breaking it off. He wouldn’t have asked her to marry him, voluntarily throwing his life away out of guilt for leaving a girl behind that he didn’t really care about.
But then I question my sanity when I honestly consider defending him to her. She has every right to be angry. To hate him. To kick and scream. To curse his name.
But she’s also right that her ange
r will affect her baby, and how he perceives his deceased father. That her hatred will slowly eat away at her, and will possibly affect her future relationships. Hopefully one with me…if she can ever forgive me.
She had a right to know.
But Adam didn’t have the decency to tell her.
And neither did I.
I can’t idly sit back and watch her go through this alone.
Hell, Little Man could arrive any day now. I can’t leave her.
But I also need to respect her wishes.
Rock, meet hard place.
I run my fingers through my hair, cursing Susan for opening up this can of worms. But maybe it’s good that Liv finally knows the secret I’ve been carrying for far too long. She had a right to know. I just wish I wasn’t the one who had to tell her, to break her heart.
It wasn’t fair. And now I just have to hope it didn’t ruin what we could have had.
We were so close.
Why does it feel like I’ve lost her for good?
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Liv
The Uber driver dropped me off at a nearby hotel that didn’t look too run-down. Thankfully, I have a little money saved up from my secretary job and can afford a few nights here before figuring out what I’m going to do.
My phone has been ringing off the hook. Between Luke, Bree, and Susan, I haven’t had a moment of peace. I finally decide to turn off my phone after convincing Breezy not to dig up Adam’s corpse and castrate him for me. While I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t want her desecrating any graves. And let’s be honest, I wouldn’t put it past her.
I’ve also decided I’m going to take Susan up on her offer concerning Adam’s inheritance. He might’ve been an asshole that never loved me, but I know he would’ve never shied away from his responsibility as a father. He would’ve insisted on taking care of us, which means I’m going to allow him to do it beyond the grave by providing financial support.
And honestly? He kind of owes me one.
The stressful day has definitely caught up to me. I’m absolutely exhausted. I forego a shower and curl up into a ball on the queen-sized bed, breathing deeply through my Braxton Hicks. I read somewhere that stress can cause more contractions, and I can personally testify it’s true.