by Andy Coffey
Chapter 18 – Hello and welcome to ‘Rock your Deity’!
‘Hello and welcome to Rock Your Deity!’(female choir jingle) ‘Rock Your Dei-i-tyyyy’
‘Yes, you’re listening to Rock Your Deity and I’m your host, Odin. We’ll be playing some of your gods’ favourite tunes today, and we’ll be having a live phone-in later. So, it’ll be your chance to get loose with Loki, get down with Dionysus, and get amorous with Aphrodite! I’m also interviewing the big guy himself; yes, God will be here to talk us through his top ten songs of all eternity, including such classics as “Hallelujah”, “God Gave Rock ‘n’ Roll To You”, “Let There Be Rock”, “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” and, perhaps surprisingly, “Bat out of Hell”.’
‘What’s that on the radio?’ Aiden said, as he walked up to the bar.
‘I’m not sure,’ said Maurice. ‘I just switched it on for some background music while I’m cleaning up. Has anyone told you the news yet?’
‘No, I’ve been on my own most of the day… apart from one unusual conversation… what’s happened?’
‘Baron Blacktie is paying a visit to Llangollen tomorrow. He’s actually coming to the pub, and he wants to meet with Oldfart and Sacred Wind. Apparently it’s something about the Cestrian Music Tournament.’
‘I saw a news article about the music tournament on television last night,’ Aiden said. ‘It mentioned that rock music was banned, from what I can remember.’
‘Indeed,’ said Maurice, putting down his cleaning cloth. ‘The Baron is very fond of “New Romantic” music and can’t stand heavy rock or metal. For some reason I’m sure we’ll find out about tomorrow, we’re told he’s had “a change of heart”, but it sounds suspicious to me. That man never does anything unless it’s in his own interests.’
On the table in the corner, a heated debate was taking place between Vindy, Tikky and Saffy. ‘But Your Majesties are supposed to be holding court tomorrow. There are several matters that will require your approval,’ Saffy said.
‘We’re quite aware of that, Saffy, but a visit from Blacktie is something we need to stick around for,’ said Vindy. ‘He’s up to something and I want to hear about it first hand; and, given our new-found alliance with Mold, I believe that we’d be remiss in our commitment if we didn’t take a hands-on approach here.’
‘Vindy’s right,’ Tikky said. ‘I’m sure that First Minister Prawn Karahi-Onion Rice can look after things in our absence. Kara’s a very capable politician and I think we all know we can trust his judgement.’
Saffy bubbled, cracking one of his mini poppadoms in frustration. He knew his king and queen were correct, and that this was too important an opportunity to let pass. ‘Very well, I can see that I’m not going to be able to talk you out of this.’
‘No you’re not, Saffy,’ Tikky said, ‘and we appreciate your concern. You’re our most trusted advisor, and one of our dearest friends. But in this instance the King and I will be staying to find out just what infernal plans the Baron may be hatching that involve Oldfart and Sacred Wind. We wish no harm to come to them and we will do everything in our power to assist where we can.’
‘You realise that I’ll have to leave some of your armed guard behind,’ Saffy insisted.
‘I’d expect no less, Saffy,’ Vindy said. ‘But please ensure that they keep their distance. If Blacktie spots any Tandoori Naans he’s bound to get suspicious, particularly as Llangollen doesn’t have a curry house. Tikky and I will try to blend in with the background.’
‘Are you talking about disguising ourselves? Now that is exciting,’ Tikky said, wobbling her plate.
‘I could always cover you both in tin foil and we could pretend that you are part of a buffet?’ Maurice called over, from the bar.
‘Excellent,’ said Vindy. ‘That sounds absolutely splendid.’
‘I can’t wait to see you in metal, Vindy. Why, my bay leaves are curling now at the thought,’ Tikky said, giggling.
‘Now, now, dear, please try and control yourself in front of our friends. But, if we ask nicely, maybe Maurice will let us take the costumes home afterwards!’
‘Ooh, Vindy, you saucepot!’ Tikky smouldered.
Over at the Diner, Cracky was just about to close for the evening. He enjoyed his quiet Sunday nights, liking nothing better than to get lost in a good book, aided and abetted by a couple of flagons of his home-brewed ale. He was just about to head upstairs when he noticed five little shining eyes looking at him through the window… followed by a voice in his head. ‘Nice to see you again, Cracky, it’s been a while. If you can spare the time I think a chat may benefit us all.’
‘Your Highness, as usual it would be a pleasure,’ Cracky said, as he opened the door and the three cats ran in.
‘First thing’s first,’ Half-blind Ron said, sending his thoughts into Cracky’s mind, ‘have you got any chicken?’
Cracky supplied the cats with some of his special melon chicken and some saucers of milk. Despite the protestations of Captain Marmaduke, Theo insisted that they eat off the floor so as not to arouse suspicion.
‘That was excellent, Cracky,’ Theo said, washing his paws with his tongue.
‘Best chicken I’ve ever tasted, Mr Crackpot!’ exclaimed Half-blind Ron, purring away.
‘Actually, it’s Crackfoot,’ said Cracky, ‘although I’ve been called worse.’
‘Can we get down to business, Your Highness?’ Captain Marmaduke said. ‘Although I must say that the chicken was indeed superlative, Cracky.’
‘You’re all very welcome,’ said Cracky. ‘Now what brings Prince Theo of Corwen and his Captain of the Guard to my humble Diner?’
Theo told Cracky about Half-blind Ron’s encounter with Aiden and what he discovered when he probed his mind. He also explained his reasons as to why he felt Aiden’s sudden appearance was linked to The Prophecy. And this was one piece of the current jigsaw of events that hadn’t crossed Cracky’s mind, up to this point.
The Prophecy was allegedly written several centuries ago by a personage or personages unknown. It was a book of portents and predictions, many of which had come to pass. Theo, as a student of esoteric literature, was well-versed with its contents and interpretation. Cracky’s father had also studied the book.
‘It’s been many years since I’ve looked through my father’s copy, I must admit,’ said Cracky. ‘But it would seem that Aiden’s appearance in our world does fit some of the criteria.’
‘I’m actually convinced, Cracky,’ said Theo. ‘I’ve studied this work too closely and I can read the signs. Don’t forget, there’s a complimentary prophecy supposedly set to occur at the same time which says “Four great warriors will face a challenge from an evil baron in a city far away.” Now if we can find some correlation between current events and this section of the book… well, we could really be onto something.’
Cracky poured some more milk into the three saucers on the floor, just as Oldfart knocked on the door. ‘Are you coming over to the Stirrup later on, Cracky?’ Oldfart said, walking in and completely ignoring the three cats lapping at the milk
‘I wasn’t going to, why?’
‘Because Blacktie’s coming here tomorrow.’
Captain Marmaduke spat out some milk on the floor and started to choke. ‘Is that cat okay?’ asked Oldfart.
‘Oh, I’m sure it’s just a fur ball,’ said Cracky, eyeing the Captain, ‘please go on.’
‘I received a call from his secretary and she said it’s something to do with “a change of heart” and the Cestrian Music Tournament.’
‘Blacktie hasn’t got a heart to change,’ Cracky said. ‘So you need to be very careful, here. Without wishing to pre-empt anything he has to say, he either wants something or he wants to use you all for something.
‘I’ll be willing to bet this is related to whatever Hob and Nob were in town for recently,’ Theo said.
Oldfart looked around the Diner trying to find the location of the voice. ‘Cracky did you just say that
without moving your lips?’
‘No,’ said Cracky, sighing. ‘Can I introduce you to Prince Theo of Corwen, Captain Marmaduke and Half-blind Ron. The voice in your head was Theo’s. He can communicate with thought.’
Each of the cats nodded to Oldfart, who stumbled backwards and sat down heavily on a chair. ‘Nice to make your acquaintance, Oldfart,’ Theo said. ‘I’ve heard a lot of good things about you.’
Oldfart’s eyes were wide, although he stood up and managed a clumsy bow. ‘And I you, Your Highness, but I must admit to be slightly taken aback. Please accept my apologies.’
‘There is no need,’ said Theo, waving his paw.
‘Unless your apologies come with some more chicken,’ Half-blind Ron said.
Cracky passed Oldfart a cup of tea, which he gratefully accepted. ‘Your Highness was talking about Hob and Nob,’ Oldfart said. ‘I’ve never met them but from what I know they’re Blacktie’s eyes, and wherever they go trouble tends to follow.’
‘You’re right on both counts,’ Theo replied. ‘When I reached into Aiden’s mind earlier today I saw them. They were in disguise, but it was definitely them. They were in The Sheep’s Stirrup last night, and this morning.’
‘Hmm, methinks that perhaps Mr Breezy and Mr Waft were not quite the Vagrant Vacuum Cleaner Exorcists they’d have us believe,’ Cracky said. ‘It looks like Maurice’s hunch about them being spies was correct. But what, in Odin’s name, would they be after here, of all places?’
Oldfart stood up and walked to the back of the Diner, cup of tea in one hand and stroking his long beard with the other. ‘Last night, after the band had finished, they spent a good deal of time talking to Agnar. At first they were complimenting him on his drumming, which should have aroused suspicion anyway, but I recall overhearing the end of the conversation and it made no sense to me at the time.’
‘Go on,’ said Captain Marmaduke.
‘Well, they were asking him about the old cheese mine that his cousin Angus gave him a few years back; you know, the one that used to belong to Hairy Growler. Agnar said something about a “client” of theirs would be most interested in taking it off his hands. He told them that he couldn’t really sell it because he’d be worried about what Angus may say… and do. When he explained who his cousin was they seemed to get very twitchy.’
‘There’s got to be a correlation here,’ Theo said, looking at Cracky.
‘I would agree,’ Cracky replied. ‘But I find it difficult to believe that Blacktie would be interested in that old thing, its cheese veins are virtually empty, from what I know. And, anyway, Red Cheekfizzler wasn’t exactly a delicacy, had no special qualities and played havoc with your bowels. If anyone dedicated any farts to Odin after they’d eaten that stuff I reckon they’d have to evacuate Asgard.’
‘It could be a coincidence, Your Highness,’ Captain Marmaduke said. ‘Perhaps Hob and Nob were working for another client. They’re not completely beholden to the Baron.’
‘True, but I think we all need to be circumspect,’ said Theo. ‘If Blacktie is after the mine I doubt it’s for its previous reservoir of cheese. There must be another reason.’
‘Well then, ‘said Oldfart. ‘I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.’