by Andy Coffey
***
‘You know this thing I keep saying we’re missing,’ Cracky said to Theo, as they lay behind one of the massive stones in the Circle of Wind, keeping a watchful eye on the entrance to the cheese mine of Hairy Growler.
‘Yes,’ Theo answered.
‘I think we’ve been looking in the wrong place.’
‘What do you mean, Cracky?’
‘Well,’ Cracky said, putting down his copy of The Prophecy, ‘we’ve gone through this book with a fine-tooth comb, and although we’ve identified and correlated passages with current events, we’ve still no idea what Blacktie’s motivation is. He’s going to an awful lot of trouble to get hold of this cheese mine.’
‘Yes. For some reason I was expecting the answer to leap out at us at some point, but I must admit I’m at a loss here, Cracky.’
‘Maybe it’s something to do with chicken?’ Half-blind Ron suggested.
‘Don’t you ever think of anything but chicken?’ Captain Marmaduke said, sighing.
‘Of course I does. I’m very partial to a bit of beef as well, you know, particularly with some horseradish sauce.’
‘Hang on a second, Captain,’ Theo said. ‘What do you mean, Ron, when you say it may have something to do with chicken?’
Half-blind Ron sat down on his haunches and began to lick his paws. ‘Well, maybe he wants this cheese because he fancies a nice cheese and chicken sandwich. This Ceridwen’s Cheese may taste great with chicken, or something.’
Cracky stood up as if he’d just been pricked by a particularly vengeful nettle. ‘Half-blind Ron, you are a genius!’
‘I am? Well I’ve never been called that before, Mr Cracklingfeet,’
‘Crackfoot,’ Captain Marmaduke corrected.
‘I’ve been called a git, a gerroffyamangycat, and a gobshi—, er, other not so nice names,’ he said, noting that Oriana was present, ‘but never a genius before. Does this mean I get a bigger helping of chicken?’
‘The next time you visit the Diner you can have a whole chicken to yourself,’ Cracky said, tickling Half-blind Ron on the head.
Cracky rummaged in the bag he’d brought with him and took out the second old book. ‘This,’ he said, ‘is my father’s copy of the “Cookbook of the Damned”. I wasn’t sure if there were still any other copies left, but if Blacktie has one we may have found the missing piece in the puzzle.’
‘That’s the book with the map of cheese mines,’ Theo said.
‘It is,’ Cracky replied. ‘And it also contains some very ancient recipes. Recipes created by Scratchy Crotch.
Cracky scanned the table of contents with his finger, mumbling to himself as if he was looking for something very specific. Then, in a movement that made everyone jump, he shouted and stabbed his finger onto the page. ‘I think I’ve found it!’
He rifled through the pages, turning them rapidly until he reached page 226. He read at breakneck speed, navigating the lines of text with his finger. ‘By Odin’s hairy backside, this is it! Your Highness would you please read the recipe aloud,’ he said, placing the book on the ground in front of Theo.
‘It reads, “Cheese and Chutney Surprise. Take a thick slice of Ceridwen’s Cheese and coat it with a good dollop of Mathonwy’s Chutney. Allow one minute for the ingredients to mingle before eating. The crumbly texture, delicate taste and fruity aroma provide the palette with an exquisite experience, giving one a sense of peace and serenity. I cannot recommend this succulent morsel highly enough, and it also has the pleasing side-effect of providing the diner with immortality and power beyond imagining. Eat one portion daily for the rest of eternity”.’
‘That was the secret of Scratchy Crotch’s power,’ Cracky said.
‘But that would mean that the Baron must already have a jar of the chutney,’ Theo said.
‘I’d say that’s very likely,’ Cracky agreed.
‘Ssh,’ Captain Marmaduke said, suddenly. ‘I can see movement by the mine.’