by Daniel Tudor
My parents married for love. My grandmother (on my mom’s side) didn’t approve of their marriage, but they ended up getting married anyway and went on to have me. This has always interested me, because their relationship grew at a time when North Korea was highly conservative, and yet it still succeeded.
Although things are changing, until very recently the country did not have mobile phones, and still doesn’t have the Internet. So, unless you could plan in person, you’d have to write letters to each other if you wanted to organize dates. I used to help one of my best friends, acting as a “correspondent” for her and her boyfriend, delivering letters between them whenever they wanted to meet. This is so common in North Korea that there is even a song called “Bbukkugi” (“Cuckoo”) about this kind of love story.
When I wasn’t there to help out, he would visit her house and make a signal outside that only she could recognize. But everything was made easier by the fact that both sets of parents knew about the relationship, allowing them to visit each other at their houses before getting married. I heard they had their first kiss in high school.
When I ask my other North Korean friends about their relationships, there are so many different answers. One of them had no boyfriend back home, but another had so many relationships that the stories she told never ceased to amaze me. I enjoy listening to her stories, since I myself was quite behind on “the relationship thing” in my life in North Korea. She used to brag to me about going on dates to theme parks, historical sites, battlefields, and our local park; she was even given gifts like a necklace, watch, or ring.
Like I say, I was quite late with all this stuff. When I think about my first love, all I remember is that my heart went pit-a-pat when I saw him for the first time. My love was a military guy and I found him very attractive in his uniform.
We met during the holidays (the only time the soldiers could leave base), and I got to know him through singing and dancing together. He was able to come out to my area quite often, because of his higher rank. Fortunately, my parents liked him as well. However, it was obviously not as easy for me to contact him as it is for couples in South Korea. Even now, I still remember holding hands and walking along the river with him. It was not a long relationship, but whenever I see guys in military uniform, they look very attractive to me because of him!
In short, I believe love and human nature is the same, regardless of whether you are in South or North Korea. All it comes down to is a difference of expression.
Does North Korea have sex education?
DT: North Korea is very “small-c” conservative and as such, you won’t even see couples kissing on television. As may be imagined, then, sex is not something that will ever be discussed by schoolteachers with their pupils.
Ji-min Kang:
To be honest, questions about anything related to sex in North Korea always make me feel awkward.
In North Korea, sex is restricted and taboo. As such, there are only a few very limited, very exaggerated stories that get shared, as sex is not something that is talked about much in the open. Still, North Koreans are people just like everyone else, so things like affairs and abortion do take place. However, sex is the “forbidden fruit” that can destroy one’s wealth and power.
North Koreans are never given sex education or an explanation of why such pleasure is something they should not know about. When I was in high school, if a boy held a girl’s hand, it could become a big issue, and a very embarrassing one, since everyone in the school would always find out. Plus, no one really told us what the big deal was. Was it because students who become sexually aware could cause problems? Or was it, perhaps, because sexual freedom could make it difficult for the dictatorship to continue?
North Korea is different from Muslim countries, as North Koreans purportedly believe in materialism, not religion. What, then, is the rationale behind their suppression of this basic human instinct? When I was in school, I never received any sex education at all. I was amazed when I heard that sex education is provided in most countries, and saw students taking classes in it.
After I left the North, I was especially shocked when I learned how in many countries teachers would utilize models of genitalia to frankly discuss sex with students. For North Koreans, everything to do with sex is filthy and embarrassing and you are supposed to hide it. Boys therefore cannot understand the biological changes in their bodies and are not aware of why they start having desires for girls. Nor are girls informed about the changes in their bodies, except from their mothers.
North Koreans are barely aware of the concepts of abortion or contraception. However, I suppose human beings cannot hide every aspect of their desires, and we always need someone who can satisfy our sexual curiosity. There were always guys who were slightly older than their peers in the village that enjoyed telling filthy jokes. But even though the stories they told us were not accurate biologically, this was the only form of sex education we ever received. Whenever one of my friends had a wet dream, everyone gathered to console him over his “unknown disease.” I didn’t know where a baby came from until I had turned 13.
Due to such ignorance, I was very passive when it came to talking about sex, and people often mistook my awkward attitude for naivety. Boys normally learn about masturbation around the end of their teenage years, as they hear about it from their mature peers or older friends. The distribution of porn magazines or videos is abundant elsewhere in the world but is prohibited in our country, and would surely cause a sensation if discovered.
I guess the North Korean government is afraid that people would be able to resist their authority if they were also free to pursue sexual freedom. If caught looking at or passing around porn, you and your family might be imprisoned—or in the old days, executed. In North Korean movies, there are hardly any scenes that show actors kissing. Foreign films imported into the country are censored, and sex scenes are removed.
For instance, there was a big difference between the version of Titanic that I watched in North Korea and the one I watched after I left—I assume you can guess which scene was cut. Porn videos that North Korean diplomats sometimes brought into North Korea upon their return therefore became the privileged class’s property, forbidden for ordinary people.
However, as government control became weakened due to economic difficulties, there were increasing numbers of prostitutes on the street. What’s more, problems such as sexually transmitted diseases and abortions started occurring more frequently. There were also problems between rich and powerful men and the women who try to benefit by having relationships with them. The problems mentioned here might not sound unusual, as they happen all around the world, but when there is no sex education it can be very serious.
Of course, the extremely closed environment in North Korea worsens these situations. Due to such restrictions, homosexuality essentially doesn’t exist in the North; hardly anyone understands the concept. Not only are people with this preference able to openly reveal their sexuality, but there is actually no way they can fully understand their own desires.
However, North Korea is going to face an inevitable time of transition. Due to the inflow of Western culture and other environmental factors—such as the rise of prostitution following times of economic hardship—people are gradually opening their eyes, discovering their own sexuality and finding out how repressed they are. Despite the taboos, many people are seeking sexual freedom; rumor has it that 80 citizens were publicly executed recently, supposedly for the distribution or watching of pornography.
I hope one day that freedom, and sex education, will arrive in North Korea.
What happens to gay people in North Korea?
DT: It would be ridiculous to say there are no gay people in North Korea. Going back centuries into Korean history, there are records of homosexual relationships, for instance, amongst members of the namsadang traveling drama troupes of the Joseon Dynasty. King Gongmin of Koryo kept a coterie of male lovers, following the death of his wife.
Homosexuality, however, was never discussed widely, and those who had such feelings usually had no context to put them into. This has continued into present-day North Korea. It is only in the past ten years or so that South Korea has been any different.
Je Son Lee:
Personally, I never knew anyone who was gay in North Korea, but I’ve heard a lot from grownups about things that happen in the military.
Unlike South Korea’s two-year mandatory military service, North Korean men are obliged to serve in the military for 10 long years. This is tolerable for soldiers stationed on the military bases near neighborhoods. But soldiers who are stationed in the middle of the mountains do not get to see women for 10 years.
In my older brother’s case, he says he hardly saw a woman during his 13 years of military service. He says he probably would have had to climb between seven and 10 mountains to get sight of a woman.
That’s why senior officers have been known to take charge of “pretty-boy privates.” Some of them might have been gay. But others may have done so not because they were gay but because there were no women around.
In my teenage years, I went to do volunteer works in a farming community. High school students in North Korea are obliged to volunteer at farming communities for one month each year. That’s when I went to a remote village in the mountains for the first time, and it was there that I saw a gay man for the first time in my life.
You could tell even from a distance that he was a man, but he was sitting on a stone by a brook with thick makeup on. I thought it was so weird and peculiar, that I asked local people living in that neighborhood about him.
It turns out that he was a man, but he always put on makeup and lived as a cross-dresser in the city. So his parents sent him to this remote village deep in the mountains.
Of course, I didn’t hear this from the guy himself since I never spoke to him in person, but I often used to watch him from a distance with my friends. We thought it was a bit weird, but still very interesting.
How about lesbians? I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a woman, but I’ve met and hung out with many of them! Most of my lesbian friends loved to dress like men. They wore men’s clothes, kept their hair very short and acted like men, too. They all liked to date women, not men.
Adults used to say that they’re so sweet to their girlfriends. Once you fall in love with them, you’re not likely to be attracted to men again. Still, being in a relationship with someone of the same sex gives one a bad reputation in North Korea and, most importantly, parents are opposed to it.
Parents of girls would do anything to keep their daughters from lesbian girlfriends. So, they would call the police or even slap the girls. But even if the parents of a daughter with a girlfriend call the police, they couldn’t arrest anyone, since it isn’t against the law. You can’t punish someone for homosexuality.
All the police could do was make them write a letter in which they promise not to cross-dress, and then let them go. What’s important is that lesbians would be an object of ridicule or gossip; however, they weren’t shunned or excluded from North Korean society.
Transgender people do exist in North Korea. However, the sex reassignment operation is not done for one’s sexual orientation, but for medical reasons. For instance, if a sexless baby is born, the hospital performs the sex-change operation after discussion with the baby’s parents.
However, bear in mind that this isn’t something that someone I knew experienced, but what I’ve heard from other people while I was in North Korea. But I can tell you with full confidence that it is impossible to be a transgender in North Korea solely for your sexual orientation. There are two reasons: Firstly, medical technology in North Korea is far behind other countries; secondly, no one could afford the surgery.
Since leaving the North, I have learned more about LGBT issues in the women’s studies class I took. When I was in North Korea, I hadn’t heard the terms “gay” and “lesbian.” All I thought was that they had different sexual preference. As long as they were good people, we didn’t have any problem being friends with them, regardless of their sexual preference.
Of course, people would gossip from time to time, because they didn’t have anything else to do with their free time. People didn’t treat them with contempt and the LGBT people were never shunned or excluded from society.
I believe there’s no reason to be opposed to homosexuality, as expressing one’s sexual orientation is equivalent to expressing one’s preference in a capitalist democratic society.
I’m well aware that some people think gay marriage lowers the birthrate. But there’s no guarantee that every straight married couple will have a child. Plus, gay and lesbian couples can adopt kids and give birth to children through sperm donation. Thus, this cannot be an argument against gay people.
I think many people share the same opinions as me, but only when they’re not directly involved. But I think they’ll have different opinions if they have someone in their family who turns out to be gay.
I personally believe we need to be more understanding of sexual minorities and, in order to be more considerate, we need to pay more attention to them.
Could I marry a North Korean?
DT: In the early 1970s, a Vietnamese man named Pham Ngoc Cane visited North Korea and fell in love with Yi Yong-hui, a local woman. After lobbying the DPRK authorities for nearly 30 years—and refusing to accept endless excuses (“she’s dead;” “she recently got married to someone else”)—he was finally given permission to marry her in 2002, leaders of the two countries having discussed the matter at a summit. The answer to this question is therefore, “No, unless you’re prepared to be extremely persistent!” The fact is that the DPRK is an extremely ethno-nationalist state.
Je Son Lee:
I’m not too sure about whether an expat—a temporary resident in the DPRK—could marry a North Korean inside the DPRK. But it is possible for Hwagyo (descendants of Chinese immigrants) to marry North Koreans. Most Hwagyo are men and hold both Chinese and DPRK passports. But when they marry North Korean women, their North Korean spouses aren’t allowed to gain Chinese passports. The DPRK doesn’t allow its people to take on the nationality of other countries—dual citizenship isn’t allowed, nor are you permitted to emigrate. Once you are born in the DPRK, you’re forever a North Korean citizen, unless you risk your life to escape from the country.
All of these stories about marrying Hwagyo were widespread when I was in North Korea. I’ve never been married, so I can’t be 100 percent certain about the legal procedures of marriage in the DPRK. I’ve seen many North Koreans who married Hwagyo in my old hometown, but I don’t know if that’s what you’d call an international marriage, because these Hwagyo held both Chinese and DPRK passports.
When Libya was a socialist state, a number of North Korean doctors and nurses went to work there. Since the majority of North Korean nurses were female, some of them ended up falling in love with Libyan doctors and marrying them. Of course, I should point out that this is just something I heard while growing up in North Korea; it didn’t happen to anyone I knew personally.
One thing I do know, though, is that children of mixed heritage can be found in the DPRK. Most of them are not born through so-called international marriages, though. Usually, they are the children of hotel maids or receptionists who met foreigners visiting Pyongyang.
Both white people and black people live in my old neighborhood as well. North Koreans don’t get to see people of different races unless they live in Pyongyang. So North Koreans, seeing these people for the first time, used to stare at them. The North Korean government takes great interest in those people, too. They want to hire them as actors or athletes. I heard that the government checks on their aptitude early on, aiming to train them to be successful actors or athletes. Mixed-race children I knew in my neighborhood were taller and better-built than ordinary North Koreans. Some became boxers later in life.
People used to say that mixed-race kids are usu
ally smarter. I don’t know if it’s always true. But all the mixed kids I knew were smarter and earned good grades at school, too. When a mixed friend of mine found out that he had been adopted, he went all the way to Pyongyang to find his biological mother. But because his mother wasn’t living a life that could set a good example for him—she probably had been fired after getting pregnant—his adoptive parents prevented him from meeting his biological mother in person.
The adoptive parents told him, “Honey, we found your biological mother before you. Unfortunately, she has already passed away.” He never tried to find his biological mother ever again.
He was good-looking and had a charismatic personality. So, people were attracted to him and he was so popular among his friends. Because he looked so exotic, he drew attention from people. People loved him because they thought he was so caring and diligent.
I think the North Korean government takes good care of mixed-race kids. Most of them are brought up by adoptive parents. Not everyone can adopt a baby in North Korea. Only those with higher social status and income can adopt babies in North Korea. Hence, those mixed children end up being raised in affluent families.
Do North Koreans use condoms?
DT: The simple answer is “no,” as Ji-min explains. It is no surprise, then, that venereal disease is a problem. Following the collapse of the economy in the 1990s, many women turned to prostitution for survival. Syphilis and other diseases were rife among such women and the men who paid them. Thankfully, the spread of HIV has been extremely minimal, presumably due to the fact that North Koreans have very little interaction with the outside world.