by Zi'ere
“All of this surprising and secretive shit has to stop!” I try my best to whisper.
By the laughter and whistles throughout the room, I guess I was speaking into a microphone.
“I can’t promise you that. I can however promise to keep a smile on your face though.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“Very.”
“In front of everybody that we know?”
“I wish that I could do it all tonight- the entire ceremony.”
“This is too much….” I begin to cry.
“You’ve got me down here a long time Kam. What . . . You don’t want to be my wife?”
“Yes, yes, yes- I do!”
Cheers erupt all over the building, as he slides a canary yellow square stone that was massive in size onto my ring finger. The sparkle of the diamonds surrounding it is blinding. Simply put, the rock is nasty. It’s so nasty that a lot of females in the world are going to get sick, every time that I move my finger.
My main chicks in life run up to me screaming, just as soon as Gavin slides his tongue back into my mouth.
“CONGRATULATIONS CHICK!” Jai screams.
“MY BISH GETTIN MARRIED NAH! WHAT THEY GONE DO WIT KAM WIFED UP?”
We all know who that is.
I am dumbstruck. With tears still falling from my eyes, my big cousin and my best friend now have me smothered in a big bear hug and we are all rocking from side to side. I feel it in my spirit how happy that they are for me. Neka is nowhere to be found in this moment.
A professional photographer works the room front to back, in order to make sure that all great memories are captured on film. The party is grand, with a lot of attention paid to little details. If the man put something like this together for a birthday party, I beam at the thought of what our wedding reception will look like.
I have to bring myself back down to earth. Some women in the world would expect nothing less than this kind of attention from their man on their birthdays. I’ve never had this much attention before though, so it feels good to be loved. I never knew that I would ever really see love, until I met Gavin.
The women that I’ve just met are treating me like I am a new sorority sister. Every person in the room knows my name, even though I don’t know theirs. True to their word, by nine thirty the older family members are gone and the real party begins. The blues and jazz portion is now over before they can even get safely into their cars.
The entire team from the casino is there and I get to meet so many other co-workers of Gavin’s. He has to be a good man because too many people feel so loyal and they are very respectful to me.
I love Gavin’s energy. He holds on to my waist, as I “Back that Thang up” to Juvenile and he holds me close when the DJ plays “Forever My Lady” by Jodeci. On a drink break, three of the security guards signal that they need him at the main entrance. He is then gone for almost an hour. During this time, I can feel the hate radiating off of Neka as she continues to stare at me all night.
“I’m going to talk to her. We need to know what’s going on in that brain of hers.”
Jai is always the voice of reason.
“Ya’ll had best get her, before I put hands on her.”
I don’t want to act a fool, but enough is enough!
“Fuck that! She’d better not be thinking about bucking! That’s what the fuck is not about to happen- not on my watch!”
NaNa is actually speaking in a lady like tone, even though she is cussing like a sailor.
We all know that hushed words means that she is about to do something that will probably land her in jail. In my opinion, her ass needs to capitalize on all the anger that she has in her system that makes her want to fight all the time.
She can enter into women’s UFC fighting, a female WCW champ, or be a professional boxer. NaNa doesn’t mind passing out ass whippings wherever she goes, from her kids on down to any grown person. My friend does not discriminate.
“Ya’ll have been holding me down for a long time. I’m going to park on her real soon, believe that!”
“That’s what fucking with a dude named Pain will do for you!” Jai picks at me.
“You’re damn right because he is fine, boo! Kam had better get gutta because chicks are gone be flocking. Your whole personality is going to change messing around with Pain. You can’t let one of them slide because they are going to think that they can skate. That shit goes for that evil looking ass heifer over there in the corner too.”
Jai has a confused look on her face.
“I don’t know what the problem is because all of us were in the same spot on the same night that you met Pain. He had his choice of the entire club and yet he chose you. If anything, she should be mad at him.”
“If anything she should be relieved that he ain’t on her level, since he chose you and she thinks that she’s everything that you are not. She switched her ass passed him three times and he didn’t even look up! Wanna know how I know that?”
“Oh, I’m definitely interested in this answer!”
Leave it to my most righteous hood chick to make me laugh, even though I want to fight.
“Because before Cleophis started his mess, I had Pain on my own radar. He was in there undercover that night. You see how he’s cliqued up tonight? Had he had his crew with him, she would’ve died.”
29
From the floor in front of the door, to the couch in the hallway, we back track to the kitchen, then to the bedroom, and then we end with a shower. We connect as if it is the very first time.
Sometime between three am and six am, Gavin let’s himself out. I think it’s weird because he has never done it before, but I know that he has a fire to put out with Tiffani. Especially after the way that she acted a fool in the lobby of the hotel on our special night.
Up until I close my eyes for sleep, I could hear his phone vibrating nonstop. I have no idea at the time that I won’t hear from him for a whole solid week. In a matter of hours on that Saturday, I begin to get a weird feeling in my stomach, call it women’s intuition. I feel that something is very wrong with him.
He never says a word or sends a text to me for the remainder of that day, nor on Sunday. I occupy my time by opening up the truckload of presents from the party. It blows my mind that people that I didn’t even know last month have spent three hundred dollars on a designer bag for me.
Everything has a label with a gift receipt and stamps of authenticity. It is clear what kind of man Gavin is because even his soldiers gave basic Happy Birthday cards and have stuffed the insides with cash.
I wonder if they were required to bring a gift just to get into the party or if they simply respect their boss and know better than to show up empty handed. The more I that I think about the actions of the people in Gavin’s life, the more I wonder if I really fit into his world.
I had to save face at Jai’s house because I know in my heart that there has to be an emergency to make him stay away from me. I am very angry at him but I feel conflicted because I know that something had to be very wrong. Everyone around me during the week feels that I am down in spirits.
I have no excuses for anyone, it is what it is. I just don’t want to be bothered. At least not until I can cuss Gavin out properly. On the following Friday, I finish the tutoring session with the kids and leave them to their own devices.
Jai has gone out with her besties. RJ is old enough to hold the fort down in his mom’s absence. Sometimes I would stay over at least until they got sleepy, but today I’m not in the mood.
I get in my car, drive to my favorite Chinese restaurant, pick up my order, and then I drag my ass home. I park the in the garage and then I walk to the mailbox. As I come up the sidewalk, I can make out Gavin sitting on the welcome mat in front of my front door.
If I wasn’t hungry I would pour all of my shrimp fried rice on top of his head. He looks up at me but won’t move his big ass out of my way. Refusing to say a word to him first, I just stand here ro
lling my eyes at him.
The first time that I fall in love it has to be with a man that has way too many irons in the fire. I am destined for heartache, high mountains, and low dark valleys. And I too am just as guilty as he is because I see him for who he really is.
“If there ever was a day, this is not the day to come at me with bullshit!”
“Okay, so you’re mad?”
“Move out of my way!”
“Why aren’t you driving your new car?”
“Really? You are asking me why I’m not driving a car. You’ve got a whole lot of other shit going on that is way more important, than what damn car that I choose to drive!”
“Oh so you’re hard core now? This is Kamille mad?”
“Hell naw, I ain’t mad. What the fuck is it that I’m going to be mad about? A mufu that goes off and gets lost for a complete week and yet he doesn’t say a damn word to me? It’s obvious that you don’t have any real feelings for me, so be mad for what?”
“Yeah, you’re mad. That’s good though. I said to myself that if you are mad, then you really do care for me, maybe even love me and that is just what I need. I just need to know if I can get that from you.”
He stands to his feet, as he talks.
The more that he tries to make eye contact with me, the more that I hide my emotions. He grabs my keys from out of my hand, unlocks the door, and then pushes it open for us both. Inside of the apartment, I sit on the couch that’s closest to the door. He need not think that he can get comfortable because he definitely won’t be staying.
“OKAY, you‘ve witnessed me getting inside of my apartment safe- just as I have been doing all week and for years before that. What can you possibly have to say to me, after you’ve been missing in action?”
I look him straight in the eyes. Gavin lowers his head.
“Tell me how you feel. I mean, do you love me, like I love you?”
“You don’t get to ask questions tonight; you can ask all the questions you want to ask yourself, when you are kicking rocks all the way back to wherever you came from!”
My voice is soaking wet in attitude, a side of me that he’s never seen.
“This isn’t a got damn revolving door! I don’t know if you’ve noticed it or not, so I’m going to make sure that we are very clear! You don’t have the right to roam in and out of my life or my home and definitely not in between my legs! There is nothing random about Kamille! You can’t come and go as you please- be for real or be really gone Gavin!”
“All that I’ve thought about is you the whole entire time that I’ve been away.”
“Dude get the fuck outta my house! I promise that you are wasting your time with bullshit. You want a street female, get back in the streets- this ain’t where it’s at!”
Gavin walks up to me and then he kneels on the floor in front of me, standing on his knees. After a few minutes of resistance, I open my arms to accept a hug and my mouth to accept a kiss.
30
When the alarm goes off on the nightstand in my bedroom, I’m pissed that I was so hateful to set it. I am not ready to face the day. I awake with Gavin sleeping soundly beside me with one of his heavy arms draped across my body. I have no choice but to wake him because it is time for him to bounce.
I have to admit that I am still pissed. I feel disrespected and he has yet to give me an excuse for his absence. By the time I am finished with my shower, Gavin is dressed and watching the news in the living room.
I didn’t even bother going where he is, I head straight to my closet. He will figure everything out on his own. After I am dressed for a day of important nothing, I strut towards the door. I stand impatiently, waiting for him to join me so he can get escorted out.
“Okay, attitude still on one thousand.”
I cut my eyes so hard at him that I get dizzy for a few seconds.
“Stop looking so damn evil! That ain’t you.”
“How do you know what’s me or not? Seems like you have your females mixed up!”
“Kamille, calm down and talk to me. Please, tell me what’s in your heart.”
I have no response. I’m not being hard by not answering. It’s just that at this moment, I have no idea what’s in my heart. This man has come in and completely turned my world upside down in only a matter of days. He has me missing things. Things I told myself that I didn’t want or need. I love him and I am in love with him. But there is no way in hell that I am going to tell him that now though.
I’m not going to be a fool, just to have a man in my bed. I will miss him like crazy and that is normal after a break up, I know that. Whatever the next day holds then I will just have to deal with it like the grown woman that I am. I have been adjusting to people that I’ve expected to love me, yet they’ve disappointed me my whole life.
“The silent treatment. I understand that, I deserve that. I’m sorry, Baby.”
Gavin is finally offering an apology.
“I don’t have time to listen to a half assed apology! I have things that I need to do that do not concern Gavin. Speaking of time- I am positive that some woman is missing her man by now.”
My words are full of attitude, even though I know that I’m not emotionally stable enough to listen a confession if he has been with another woman.
“Kam, there is a lot that we need to discuss. Can you please rearrange your schedule today?”
“Nope, sure can’t! Rearrange for who and for what? Surely you don’t expect for me to rearrange my life for a man who doesn’t care enough about me or the relationship that we share! He doesn’t even have the decency to let me know that he is still alive! Do you know how worried that I was?”
“I’m telling you that what I have to say is very important, Baby. I wouldn’t even bring it up if it wasn’t.”
“This is what you should have been saying last night, instead of getting between my legs!”
“I needed to feel you Kamille, that’s why I did it. I didn’t know what the sun was going to bring, so I had to feel you again. Even if it was for the last time, I had to make love to you.”
“Love?”
“Kamille, don’t be mean.”
I roll my eyes at him.
“You have one more hour of my time. If you want to talk to me today, then you had best get on task because that is all that I am giving.”
“Let’s have breakfast first.”
“What part of one hour don’t you understand? If you want to spend it on breakfast, fine by me.”
My arms are folded over my modest chest.
“Sit down, please.”
I am unsure my legs will be able to carry me over to the couch. Whatever he has to say, I can tell that it is going to knock me clean off of my feet. He is acting nervous and scared as hell.
If this man tells me that he has some sort of STD, HIV, or that he is on the down low- I am going to get my degree in jail. There is no getting around that!
“First off, I want for you to remember that I didn’t expect for things to take off so fast for us. I never expected to be in love with a woman that I’ve only known for such a short amount of time. When we went to the mall in Tempe that day, I saw one of my daughter’s mothers best friends. I knew then that I needed to come clean.”
“Come clean about what Gavin? Get to it!”
“When I said that I only have one daughter, that isn’t the complete truth.”
My heart begins to race.
31
“I really do have one daughter true enough, but I also have four sons as well.” Gavin hangs his head in shame.
“You have what?” I am on my feet in a flash.
“I have five kids with one woman. I know that the women told you about Tiffani when ya’ll were out shopping. But she has my baby girl Desiree’ and my sons Sean, Caleb, Justin, and Marc.”
“Who in the hell lies about how many children that they have?”
“There’s more, I don’t have a legal job either. I had one but I was laid off almost
two years ago.”
I watch the man that I once thought so highly of, sit in a heap on the floor of my living room. Future plans begin to fade. Smiles seem to have taken place so long ago and with no promise of returning. I am literally sick to my stomach.
This man is actually telling me that he has five children and no legit job, which only confirms my suspicions of him being a street guy.
“You need to leave right now!”
“Kamille, I’m not going to leave. I stayed away to get things cleaned up, so that we can have a fresh start, a real chance at a good relationship. We have to talk and come to some sort of resolution. This is not the end of us!”
“The hell you say! Get your ass up and get out of my house now!”
“Kamille, I need you. Please don’t leave me.”
Gavin is now on his knees with his strong arms wrapped around my waist.
As much as I try to wrangle my body loose, he only holds on even tighter.
“I’m not going to let you go. We are going to work through this. I want you and I know that you want me. Your body was responding to me last night.”
The more that he talks, the angrier I get. I smell the cigarette smoke on his clothing for the first time.
“Do you smoke?”
“Yeah and I need a cigarette too because you’re killing me right now, but I refuse to lose you.” He continues to beg.
I fight to get out of his grasp. After a few tugs, Gavin now has me on the floor. Seconds later I am pinned up under his body. I scream for him to let me go. But instead of him acknowledging my words, he begins to try and kiss me on the mouth.
With my hands clasped together by one of his large hands, Gavin pulls my panties down with his other one. In one fluid motion he enters me hard and I feel as if a knife is being shoved into my vagina.
I cry out in pain, even though his mouth is covering my own. I shake my head no a thousand times, as tears stream from my eyes. The more I that fight and scream, it only multiplies the number of stabbing pumps . . . The pure rape that Gavin hands to me.
My head is scrambled and I can’t comprehend the situation that I’m in. The same man that has professed his love to me and who has made love to me, is now violating me in the worst way. He grunts loudly in my ear, as I feel his seed being released into my body yet once again. He then lifts himself up by the arm and stares into my face.