by Zi'ere
And I hurts like hell, that’s the way it feels
True love, has no hiding space
It’s not something you just put away
It’s always there inside of you
Oh, and it shows in everything you do
Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
(When you know you’ve given it your best)
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
(You feel a thousand miles from happiness)
Sometimes the pain is just too much, oh, oh, oh
And it hurts like hell, that’s the way it feels
“She has all this shit right on the damn money! Sang it, Aretha!”
I can’t help but to keep myself company.
I know if there is any chance
For us to find our happiness
We’ve got to learn to let it go
Ohh, forget the pain we know
Sometimes it hurts to love so bad
(Sometimes it hurts so bad, bad)
Sometimes it hurts to even laugh
(Sometimes it hurts to even laugh, oh)
And it hurts like hell, that’s the way
Oh baby, that’s the way it feels
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah
“FUCK THIS SLOW SHIT!”
I change the station.
Here comes R. Kelly with some more shit.
When a woman loves,
She, she loves for real,
When a woman loves,
She, she loves for real,
She took me back after I broke her heart a thousand times……
I hop back out of the tub. All of this slow shit is going to have me suicidal! Another station change and I am back in the tub singing with Bey.
Who wants that perfect love story anyway, anyway?
Cliché, cliché’, cliché’, cliché
Who wants hero love that saves the day, anyway, anyway?
Cliché, cliché’, cliché, cliché
I settle down into the tub again. So, damn from what I hear cliché is what Bey is calling my love life now, I gather. I have no idea what is real anymore. It is only natural that my mind begins to run away thinking of all that I’ve been through since Pain has been in my life. While I am appreciative that he brought me out of near poverty, I feel that he has been pain tri-fold for everything that he’s done to me.
The minute that my phone starts to ring, I get a sharp pain in my abdomen that wraps around my waist and then ends up at my spine. I can’t help but to cry out in pain. I get out of the tub and then I cover myself with the fluffy robe, without drying off my body.
I then pick up the hotel phone. The feeling is uncomfortable enough for me to hang up the phone because I can’t talk . . . I am now frozen in place. My mind goes to my stupid decision to leave my car at the airport. I need help. I’d never felt this type of pain before that is now moving down to my vagina and thighs.
I think of the STD that Pain had given me. Then I remember that my doctor has cleared me of anything foreign and unhealthy from being in my body. I need help. I feel lightheaded. I call the front desk. It’s easier to press that one button instead of the three to summon an ambulance.
“Yes . . . This is Kamille Foster in room eleven o’ six. I need an ambulance as soon as possible.”
87
How the receptionist can understand my words is totally lost on me. My voice is a weak tremble tone, as I break down to the floor. Blood flows from in between my legs, as I lay passed out. I didn’t think it was possible but things are out of control.
“Mrs. Brown I am so sorry to see you under these conditions again. How are you feeling right now?”
“I don’t have any pain and I feel pretty good.”
“That’s good.”
“Tell me what happened?”
I am deeply worried.
“Well, we have several things to talk about. Let’s start from the bottom up.”
“Okay.”
“When you suffered the miscarriage the first time, we discovered that you were anemic. In addition to not taking your iron supplements as I prescribed, you haven’t been taking your vitamins either.”
I look away.
“The problem is that since you have not been supporting yourself nutritionally, your body can’t sustain itself. Then when you add another viable human, not getting what they need, it’s a recipe for disaster.”
“Another human? What are you talking about?”
“Yes, Mrs. Brown you are over eleven weeks pregnant. As a matter of fact, tomorrow you will officially be twelve weeks. Remember the loss the last time was right around this time. I took care with each and every test from the top of your head on down to your toes.
I checked your hormone levels when the nursing assistant came to take several vials of your blood. The hormone levels called HCB are steadily rising, which means this is indeed a viable pregnancy this go around.
I also had an ultrasound ordered and I don’t see any signs of deformities or risks. There is a strong heart beat present and the sac is intact with a good amount of amniotic fluid inside, everything is just right.”
“Pregnant. You did say I’m pregnant?”
“Twelve weeks pregnant tomorrow to be exact.”
The doctor smiles at me.
“How can this be?”
My gynecologist laughs. I can’t find a damn thing funny.
“Now that we know, we have to take care of the two of you. So Mrs. Brown, you have to do a better job of nourishing yourself for your baby. I can’t stress this enough, you both can be on death’s door if your habits don’t change.
I’m not one to speak in a double standard. I know how it is cramming to achieve your goals academically and professionally. You’re an amazing woman. I’ve always felt that and you know that. If I could just get my kids out of college at your speed, I wouldn’t even know how to handle my own life. But, now it’s Kamille plus one. That changes the game.”
“First off, I’m not Mrs. Brown anymore. I am Ms. Foster, again. Now that I am aware that I am pregnant, I will do anything that I need to do to take care of my baby.”
“What about taking care of Ms. Foster?”
He is trying to soften the mood but I’m not interested.
“Of course I’m going to take care of myself! I have a baby to raise!”
“Well I am going to order at least another twenty four hours of monitoring before I will release you. I know hospital food isn’t the best but you are going to have to impress me on what you eat and how much of it you consume.”
“That’s fair.”
Fair for who?
I am cool as a cucumber in front of the doctor. On the inside is a different story. The identity of who my baby’s father is going to shock and stun the world. Pain has been a busy man but his love octagon of folks is not going to appreciate this news at all.
No wonder I have been so emotional lately. I left a war in Hawaii, only to get to another battle in Arizona. Kam and baby are going to knock the Jordan’s and designer heels off of some feet. I rub my belly and smile. Aside from who is going to die from envy about my good news, God is answering my prayers.
After I’d lost the first baby, I wondered many nights whether or not I was going to have children at all. Being a divorcee means nothing to me. Women do this job day after day and all alone. I know that I am never going to be alone but still, I don’t have to be in a relationship to be okay.
Having a relationship with my baby’s father is going to be sight to behold. He makes sure that I am protected twenty five-eight, for over a year now. I’m convinced that he is going to wrap me in bubble wrap and insist that I stop working immediately. A baby in a love and hate relationship makes good Maury Povich episodes.
Yeah you’re gonna need to stop working for real. When the world finds out about the baby, that girl is going to lose her mind. He’s going to want to protect you better than Michelle, Sasha, and Malia. Your career is over unless you start counseling patients in the dam
n driveway! A BABY!!!!!!!! Doesn’t even matter what it is, THANK YOU LORD!
My white Colgate smile cannot be wiped off my face.
Checkmate bitch! You thought that you were so smart and sneaky. I guess we’ve all been busy as hell.
88
My baby is a good thing, not at the best time I have to admit. But who am I to tell God how to run his business? The more that I think of the future, the more excited that I become. With this baby, my presence is going to be forever felt.
I am going to leave something behind that says Kamille was here on this Earth and this is what she did. The people who think that they have gotten rid of me are going to envious. I can do a cartwheel right now but I am hooked up to several machines.
I have been taking notes on Tiff since the day that I met her. Baby mama’s have clout. Add to the ultimate of carrying a man’s seed, not being a hood rat, not being scandalous, not causing trouble….my life is going to be golden.
After all, even though I have the massive ring on my finger, my husband still has to feel the juices of the woman that he swears that he can’t stand. There is nothing like the shine of a spotlight being put on a new baby and the woman who has carried it, during all of the commotion.
There is no better reason for me to return to the woman that I was on the road to becoming before Pain. I am going to get that woman back. My baby deserves the best mother possible. That mother is old Kam’s attention, love, and determination added to the new Kam’s street sense and monetary wealth. My child will come out of the womb a millionaire.
I look up to the ceiling. I am reminded that this is the same hospital where my mother, Carla had taken her last breath. I wonder if she is looking down on me in this moment. The thought leads to contacting Keith, once and for all.
He needs to know that he is going to be a grandfather. I have no idea if I have other siblings in the world somewhere. Maybe he is already a grandpa. I decide to make contact after this critical time is over. I will not allow anything in my life to stress me from this day forward. Then there is a knock on the door.
“Come in.”
Expecting to see a nursing assistant, Lieutenant Anthony steps into the room. I’m not ready to have this discussion with him just yet. I am just getting a handle on the news myself.
“What’s going on, Kam?”
“What are you doing here?”
Attitude on ten.
“How about you answer my question first before you have more people in this room than you had the first time that you were here?”
He stands sure footed at the side of the bed, with his arms crossed over his chest.
He looks like he is giving me a lecture.
“Ant look, I love you- you know I really do but all this has gone on long enough!”
“Good thing that you aren’t calling the shots!”
“If I raise my voice, then they are going to kick your ass out of here!”
“And if I can’t be here, then just imagine who he’s going to send in my place?”
“FUCK!”
“I’m your best friend and you know that I won’t ever love another woman like I love you…so, come on with it!”
He steps closer to me.
“Oh shit! You are pregnant! I know what double monitors mean…..I can hear the baby’s heartbeat!”
His hands are on his head and raking through his deep waves.
I laugh. He is such a marshmallow, where I am concerned. Since I put Pain out of the house, he and I have had all of the time in the world to get to know each other better. That’s ever since he was yanked off of the family business in order to protect Queen Kam. I got tired of seeing him sitting in his car for hours at a time, so I started inviting him in.
A kin ship formed instantly, just like it had with Broderick except we kept it at the brother and sister level. He could put in a food order for me to every restaurant in the city. What used to be Pain’s man cave is now turned into a home gym. Ant ordered every piece of equipment and made sure that it is set up and fit for a class A Hollywood star. Not to mention that he started to train me.
“I’M GOING TO BE…….!”
He looked at me with concern on his face.
“I don’t know Ant. I just got here, I can’t say if you are the father or not.”
I whisper to him.
“So an uncle at best, huh? That will work for me too, until we can sort all of this stuff out.”
“Ssshhhh! Hush your damn mouth!”
The way that he is acting has me in the know about and how the news is going to go over.
“How about a God-daddy and an uncle at the least?”
“For real?”
I hold my arms open for a hug. He brushes a tear from my cheek.
“For real!”
“You know you can’t say not a nan-nary word to anyone! If you drop the ball on this, then I am going to drop a ball on your sacks!”
I pinch his arm for emphasis.
“Yea, you say that but how long do you think that you can be in here before he knows about it?”
“The doctor said another twenty four hours. I just gotta eat.”
“See, I told you that you were losing too much weight too fast. I know that you weren’t eating that much in Hawaii, which I can’t understand because I gained five pounds.”
“When were you in Hawaii?”
“I was there when you got there and I came back when you left.”
He avoids my eyes.
“This shit is too much for colored TV! What in the hell is wrong with ya’ll?”
“This is the first time that we’ve had a diamond that everyone loves. Them muthafuckas go hard for you girl. You don’t need to forget it and with this…this is life and death. I will play my part and stand at my post regardless but I am going to need to know after.”
He whistles, as he points to my nonexistent baby bump. “There will be no room for gotdamn uh-oh’s!”
“What do you mean?”
“You know how strict he is when it comes to you, he will kill a mufucka quick for upsetting you. This shit is going to be real, real.”
“I know, I know. Are you still seeing Porsha?”
“So when are you going to tell him?”
“Really? That’s what you doing….okay. He’s not ready right now. I need time, he needs time.”
Ant shakes his head in shame.
“I take that as a yes. But whatever, I will deal with whatever I have to do regardless.”
He walks over to the window and then he stares out of it. I know this complicates our relationship. But, we’ve gotten away with it for so long. I can’t understand his mood. He is after all just a man and doesn’t know shit about a woman’s feelings. Since he has nothing else to do besides judge me, I have something for his ass to do.
89
“I’m hungry.”
“What you want?”
He pulls out his phone.
I know that the first order of business is to respond back with the good news that he has located me and that there is not a hair on my head out of place. Only thing is that I don’t know if he is reporting to Pain or Stymy. I never got a clear understanding on who makes the call to put me on his detail.
“I want some seafood.”
“I’m on it. I will be right back. Sweet tea or juice?
“Tea.”
Ant is only gone forty five minutes but when he returns he isn’t empty handed. Not only has he gotten my seafood platter, he also grabs some of my favorite snacks, water, and juices.
“Whose bag is that?”
I nod towards the bag that he sits down in the chair.
“I know that we are not about to do payroll?”
He refuses to make eye contact with me.
“What the hell is going on? I’ve told you about this shit!”
“That’s my bag, damn!” He responds, as if I am getting on his damn nerves!
“What the hell do you need a damn bag for?”
/> I am still in the bed strapped down but my hands are on my hips.
“I told you that mouth of yours, with all of them four letter words coming is not attractive!”
“It’s a good thing that I’m not attracted to your narrow ass, huh? Answer my damn questions the first go round and maybe, just maybe, you won’t get cussed out!”
“Kam, don’t start this shit! You know how this shit goes!”
“So you can cuss but I can’t?”
I am stuck on the big elephant in the room.
As usual, he can care less about my point of view. Especially, when he has orders from a man who has him living like a king and they never get caught.
“This is not your first time at this kind of rodeo. I remember what happened the first time. I don’t have the stomach to watch or deliver bad news again.”
“Why would you even bring that up right now?”
“Look, I’m just saying….it can be me here or your baby daddy….which one do you want?”
“Sit your ass in that chair and you’d better not make a sound!”
He starts to mumble to himself.
“That’s what I thought! Disrespecting me talking to me all crazy! When ya’ll get pregnant, ya’ll get mean as fuck! I don’t know how mufu’s put up with this shit for all these damn babies to be in the world, this shit is fucking ridiculous…..”
“If you’ve got something you want to say to me, don’t mumble! Be that G and say it out loud!”
I throw a pillow at him.
He doesn’t hesitate to throw it back. I don’t want for him to know but I am thankful that he is here. That somebody is here with me.
“How long do we have on this sentence?”
“Go to hell! You ain’t gotta get fat! You ain’t gotta push a watermelon out your body!”
“How long? Damn!”
“Six months!”
“Ohhhh, you nasty! This shit finna be good! It’s either that one time or the swinging from the chandeliers many times. Yea, I need somebody to join me on this detail cause it’s about to go down!”
“Mufu’s thought I was a bitch to play with! Shit just got real….just like I planned!”