by K E Osborn
“Are you sure?”
I think she wants this more for her than me and I’ve been so selfish lately, so I decide to make her feel better.
“On second thoughts, maybe it would be nice to have a girl’s night, just the three of us?”
“Okay, that’s settled then, I’ll stay in with the girls. Colt will you be okay?” Mum asks and he smiles which is the complete opposite of what I thought he would do. I assumed he would be cranky because he’s being left alone and he hates the insecurity of being without Mum.
“Yeah baby, that’s fine. You look after our girl and I’ll spend some time with Hux and Caleb. We can have a guy’s night, yeah?”
Caleb walks back in with Indi. “Guys night?”
“Yeah, you, me, and your dad tonight. You in?” Dad asks and Caleb smiles and I can’t help but notice Indi’s smile falter a bit.
“Yeah, sounds great,” Caleb says.
“Now that you’ve seen the mental health nurse and your blood pressure is back up, I think you can head off. Try to take it easy, okay Annie? You’re under a lot of stress right now and you could have another panic attack if you don’t keep yourself calm. All right?” she asks and I nod. I don’t know what it is about Indi the pixie, but I really like her.
“Thanks Indi. It’s good to see you, by the way,” Mum says and Indi smiles.
“You too, Mrs. Slade,” she replies and Mum chuckles.
“Oh Indi, please call me Lia. You’re not a little girl playing in our backyard anymore and you certainly don’t have to be formal with us. Does she, Colt?”
“No, not at all. We watched you grow up with Caleb since you were seven-years-old, I think we can skip the formalities,” Dad replies and she smiles.
“Thank you guys, it’s so nice to be around you all again after so many years.”
“When we finish the tour, you should come around for dinner. We would love to have you over and to catch up, wouldn’t we, Caleb?” Mum says and Caleb smiles brightly at Indi.
“Sounds great. I’ll just get your discharge papers ready and then you can all go home,” she says and fakes a smile as she walks out. I’m not sure, but I think Indi is pissed about Caleb having a guy’s night. But if they aren’t together then why would she care?
“So tomorrow we move on to Belfast to play at the Odyssey Arena. We’re all going on the jet early, so make sure you ladies are up and ready by eight, so we can board by nine,” Dad explains and we all nod.
“Annie, let’s get you back to the hotel so you can rest before tomorrow,” Mum says.
I pull my legs down from the bed and stand up as everyone collects their belongings around me. “Yeah, let’s get out of here,” I say and Ella walks across and wraps her arm around my shoulders.
“Can we order room service, Mum?” Ella asks and we all chuckle.
“I think that can be arranged,” she says and we all walk out of the room toward the nurses’ station to be discharged.
We arrive at the Hyatt and I couldn’t help but notice Aston wasn’t at the hospital when we left. I guess he gave up for the night. We exit the car and walk into the hotel with only a couple of photographers waiting outside. Luckily there were no minions lurking at the hotel entrance. Not sure I could have coped with them tonight.
We all get into the elevator and make our way to the top floor. The elevator door opens and we all step out to go our separate ways.
“I’ll come to your room in a little bit girls, okay? I just have to get my luggage and bring it over, but you go ahead and get set up. Order whatever you like from room service,” Mum says as she holds Dad’s hand and walks with him toward their room.
Ella nudges into me as they walk off. “Anything we want from room service, did you hear that?” Ella says with a smirk and I chuckle as we walk along the hallway toward our room at the end.
We turn down the hall and I notice Aston talking to Amber from Red Velvet. She’s definitely flirting with him, and I don’t like it one little bit. I stop walking when I see him and Ella looks back at me in confusion. She looks ahead to see Amber reaching out and clenching on to Aston’s biceps with her grubby little hands as he half-smiles at her. He looks sad, but at the same time he isn’t pushing her away. A knot tightens in my stomach and my heart races so fast I just want to run and hide.
“C’mon Annie, let’s go,” Ella says tugging on my arm.
Aston finally looks up and notices me. He smiles and just as quickly he frowns. He takes a deep breath and walks past Amber heading toward me.
“Annie?” he calls out, breaking me from my staring trance.
“Shit,” I murmur and turn around heading for our door.
“Annie, wait, please,” he calls out and I run to our door and swipe the keycard as Ella walks quietly and quickly behind me. I open the door and pull Ella in and slam it shut behind me.
Seconds later he knocks on the door loudly. “Annie baby, please talk to me. I’m so sorry I fucked up. Just please talk to me about this,” he says through the door and I rush to my bed and flop down on it and pull the pillow over my head. I feel sick. Every inch of me wants to run to him, to kiss him, to make love with him again and to feel the connection we shared again.
But I can’t.
I can’t let him in again, only to be hurt.
I can’t tell him how I feel.
But I will have to face him again. And it will only be a matter of hours when we board the jet bound for Belfast. I know he will want answers, one’s I’m not sure will make any sense to him. But I have to try and make this a livable situation, because for the next six months I will be travelling the world with him. I honestly can’t live like this, running from him whenever he sees me. I just have to tell him we’re done, and that he has to move on, but that can wait for tomorrow. Right now, I need junk food, soda and trashy movies.
“Annie,” Ella says as the banging continues.
“Tell him to go away. Tell him I’ll talk to him tomorrow on the jet, not before. I just need some time.”
I watch her walk toward the door and then I hear the door click open.
“Ella please let me in. I need to make sure she’s okay,” he says and my chest tightens a little more making my breath catch.
“Aston, I’m so sorry this is happening, and I wish I knew what to say to make her see reason, but she doesn’t want to see you right now—”
“She has to. Annie!” he calls out and tears start to form in my eyes.
“Aston stop! She said she can’t talk now, but she will tomorrow on the jet, okay? Give her some time to process, and then maybe this will sort itself out. Just give her the time she needs.”
I hear a loud exhale and some sniffing.
“Okay, if she needs time I can give her time. Just let her know that I love her… No, wait, don’t say that, just tell her I’m here and that I want us to be okay. I’m sorry I fucked up. I should have realised that she wasn’t ready for that. Tell her I miss her. I miss her smell. I miss her eyes. I miss everything about her, and not being able to touch her is killing me. Knowing I might have fucked us up is killing me. Ella tell her, please,” he says and I start to cry.
“I’ll tell her, Aston. Try and get some sleep and maybe in the light of day she might wake up with a clearer head. I hope so because you two are meant to be.”
“I know. I know in my heart we are. Why can’t she see that?” I curl myself into a ball. “I’ve wanted Annie my whole life, Ella. What am I going to do if she doesn’t want me in hers anymore?”
“Oh Aston, that will never happen. I know her, she’s hurting, but she will come around. It will just take time. I promise.”
Traitor!
“I hope so, I can’t lose her. Not now… not ever,” he says and then there’s a slight silence.
“Aston?” I hear Mum’s voice.
“It’s okay, I’m leaving. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. I never meant for this to happen, Lia, I swear,” he says.
“I know sweetheart.
Just give her time. She has a lot of demons and she needs some help. It might be hard because we’re on tour, but just know as soon as she gets back to London I’m taking her to the psychiatrist to work through her issues.”
I wish they would all stop talking about me.
“Please tell her I’m sorry,” he says and then there’s silence and then the door closes.
My heart thuds and I know Aston is walking away. The tingling in my arms has stopped and I feel empty inside.
“Annie?” Mum says and then the bed beside me dips. “Honey are you okay?” She pulls the pillow from over my head.
I roll over and sit up taking Mum into a hug. “I didn’t want to hurt him, Mum.”
“Oh sweetheart, it’s going to be okay. Aston will be fine. We’re all more worried about you,” she says pulling back from me and moving my hair from my face. She wipes my tear soaked cheeks and frowns. “Annie, I know you’re confused. I know you’re hurting right now and that’s okay, you’re allowed. But tomorrow is a new day and you’ll need to be able to be around Aston and this band or it’s not going to work. Now if you can’t be around him, that’s okay. I don’t want you to feel bad about it, but just think about it carefully before you throw away your career because you’re confused.”
“I’ll talk to him tomorrow, but just for tonight I want to wallow for a bit.”
“Okay, one dose of wallowing coming right up. Did you order room service?” she asks and I shake my head. “Okay Ella, grab the menu and let’s spend your father’s money,” she says making me laugh for the first time in hours.
Last night Mum kept me distracted and we had a good time. Well, as good as can be expected when you feel like you’ve thrown your whole life away. I was feeling okay, not great, but okay, but now that we’re walking toward the jet and I promised Aston I would talk to him today, a feeling of unease is washing over me. I know he is near. I can feel him, but I keep walking as Mum walks with me onto the tarmac and up the stairs to our private jet. I walk inside and Tamara the flight attendant is there and she hands Mum one of her pills to help relax her. Mum hates flying, which is funny considering she has travelled so much since she met Dad.
We walk down into the cabin of the jet and I see Aston sitting with Chad and Caleb. I knew he was close by. He looks up at me and his slight smile falls to a frown. I bite my bottom lip and keep walking past him down toward the back of the jet where we always sit.
“You okay?” Mum whispers in my ear and I can’t talk, so I simply nod.
I take my usual seat and Ella slides past, sitting next to me in the window seat like always. It’s been a while since we were on the Slayed tour jet, the last time seems like forever ago. But it’s nice that we’re here, not just to support Dad, but also because we’re on tour too. I love saying that.
“So we’re going to take off in about twenty minutes. I just spoke to the pilot and we’re all set to fly to Belfast,” Dad says and I smile.
“Can’t wait for the show tonight Dad, it’s going to be great,” I say faking my way through.
He half-smiles and nods. “Well, as long as you feel up to it. If you don’t that’s completely fine, just be honest with me, Annie,” Dad says and I look down the jet to see Aston. His head is down and, even though, the other guys are talking to him, he doesn’t seem interested.
“I’m okay Dad, but there is something I need to do,” I say and they all follow my line of sight down to Aston.
“Do you want me to be there with you sweetheart?” Mum asks and I look at her and shake my head.
“No, but thank you, Mum. I think this is something I have to do on my own,” I say and they all nod. I stand up and, even though, my heart is thumping so hard I can’t breathe and my legs feel like lead weights, I drag myself down toward the front of the jet. Caleb and Chad are joking about, and just as my arms start to tingle Aston turns around and looks right at me like he knew I was near him. He did say he felt it when I was near, just like I do with him. So I guess it makes sense. He looks at me and I notice his breathing stop and then start again and his chest is heaving.
“Lennox,” he whispers like he’s savouring my name.
I swallow hard as I try to control my erratic heart rate. “Can we talk?” I ask and then Caleb and Chad notice me and look between me and Aston.
He nods and looks unsure of what to say or do.
“Maybe in private?” I ask and he nods again and stands up. He moves toward me to take my hand, but I pull it away from him and his nostrils flare and he looks down at the ground. I can tell he’s hurting and I’m the reason why.
I turn around, so he doesn’t notice the tears in my eyes and walk toward the back of the jet, past my family and through to the office at the rear. I know he’s following me, but he doesn’t say anything or touch me in any way. I walk in and over to the desk. I turn and lean on it, as he walks in and closes the door behind him. He looks up at me and swallows a lump in his throat.
“Why do I get the feeling this is going to be goodbye?” he asks taking a step closer to me.
I take a deep breath trying to calm myself. It doesn’t work. “We are in a band together Aston, we can never say goodbye.”
He exhales and walks over to the sofa and sits down, resting his elbows on his knees and putting his head in his hands. “I’m so sorry, Annie. I never meant to fuck this up between us. You mean so much to me. No, you mean everything to me, and I just want us to be okay,” he says not looking at me with his head still in his hands. He sounds really upset and it unsettles me. I never wanted to hurt him, but he lied and hurt me in the process, so I guess we’re even.
“I think it would be best if Ella played on your side of the stage tonight,” I say.
He looks up at me, his eyes are drooping and his bottom lip is trembling. “Okay,” he whispers as he looks back down at the floor.
“Maybe from now on too,” I say and his head shoots back up and he looks at me furrowing his brows and shaking his head.
“What?” he asks.
“I just think that it’s better if we stay away from each other.”
He slumps his body and runs his hand through his shaggy hair. “Jesus Annie,” he says sounding defeated. “How the fuck did it get like this? This time yesterday we were so happy. We made love for the first time and it was amazing, and I just can’t understand how me saying those ‘three little words’ can turn us into this?”
I exhale and close my eyes pinching the bridge of my nose. “It’s just… I can’t trust you—”
“You can’t trust me? Annie, you’ve known me my whole life. You can tell when I’m lying, you can see it in my eyes. You said that when we were ten, remember? You know me, Annie. You. Know. Me! You know I’m not lying right now, and I wasn’t lying last night. I just want us to be okay, and if me saying those words makes you uncomfortable then I won’t say them ever again. Just, Annie… Lennox, please. Please don’t push me away,” he says standing up and walking over to me.
My breathing hitches and my body tenses as he steps right in front of me and he is so close I can smell him. He always smells delicious. It distracts me for a moment and then he grabs my chin in his fingers and forces me to look at him. I stop breathing as I stare at his lips. I inadvertently lick mine and a small smile crosses his.
“If you don’t want me then you have to tell me because right now your body is telling me something completely different,” he says and he inches his face closer to mine.
I start to shake as my brain runs through a million emotions all at once.
“Tell me you don’t want this?” He leans in and gently kisses my lips.
I am stunned to the spot. He is my kryptonite, and I am utterly powerless against him. His hand moves from my chin and caresses my cheek. I don’t move my hands from the desk, but I do kiss him back. Maybe this is the goodbye we need? I don’t open my mouth because I know if I do then I won’t be able to stop myself. I’m struggling right now as it is. Maybe this isn’t the right thing?
Maybe I am over reacting? But then I think of my birth parents and they saw something in me that wasn’t worth loving, so I know that I can’t be worthy of his love. I’m not worthy of him. I pull back and break the kiss. He’s smiling slightly and his eyes open as he looks right into mine. The pure pools of endless blue, daze me for a moment longer. Both our breathing is rushed and my chest is heaving so much, I feel like I am going to hyperventilate.
I hate this.
It has to stop.
“Aston,” I whisper.
He smiles and licks his lips. “Yeah baby,” he whispers back as his hand still caresses my cheek.
“I can’t be with you,” I say so softly, I’m not sure if he heard me until I see his eyes start to water.
“Annie c’mon. You felt that just then, right?” he asks taking a step back from me and dropping his hand to his side in frustration.
“Just because I felt it doesn’t make it right. I’m no good for you, Aston. I’m not worthy of love and you certainly shouldn’t have lied about it either,” I say and he turns his back to me running his hand through his hair.
“You know what? Maybe you’re right,” he says and it’s like a jackhammer to my heart, the vibration of the sting stabbing me continuously. I try to catch my breath, but I can’t. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. I’m just frustrated, you know? You’re so blinded by your past that you can’t see your future, and your future is with me Lennox,” he says turning back to face me and I notice his eyes welling even further.
“Aston, just stop! Maybe in an ideal world we would work out, but I honestly don’t see that happening. You need to forget about me—”
“Forget about you? Annie, you are a part of me. Forgetting about you is like killing a part of my soul—”
“Don’t be so dramatic,” I interrupt and he huffs and walks back over to the sofa and sits down.
“I don’t think I’m the dramatic one here, Lennox.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I huff folding my arms over my chest.
“Nothing, just don’t do this,” he says sounding defeated and I shake my head.