by K E Osborn
Anna is staying at our house while we go out just in case, and Johnny came over too to stay with Anna. I think Mum is worried that while we’re out, Loretta might have someone burgle the manor. But I doubt that is what she’s up to. Seems like a lot of trouble to go to just to steal some things.
Mum really isn’t giving her the benefit of the doubt like the rest of us are. She says she doesn’t trust her and that if she’s known about me for years, then why has she chosen now to come to the surface? I wondered that myself. I guess today I can get some answers from her.
We arrive at the botanical park and Dad drives his four wheel drive into the abandoned carpark area. I notice her rust bucket waiting and I smile knowing she’s here. My heart is fluttering, not racing, merely beating a little faster. I feel nauseous and as nervous as hell, but Aston held my hand the entire way and even as we step out of the car he still has a firm grip on it.
“You okay, Annie? If you want to get in the car and turn back now, no one will hold it against you,” Mum says walking across to me.
I chuckle at her obvious attempt to get me to leave and shake my head. “No, I’m okay, thanks, Mum. Let’s just go and see what she has to say.”
“C’mon she’s waiting,” Dad states and we start walking toward the picnic table that’s located under a tall oak tree, where Loretta is seated and waiting patiently. She smiles at me and my entourage walk toward her. Standing up as we get closer, she takes a step toward me and then stops when I frown. I’m not ready for closeness just yet.
“Sorry honey, I didn’t mean anything. Just want to get to know you,” she says and I nod.
“I know. I want to get to know you too, but I think we’ll leave the hugging for another time if that’s okay?” Mum smiles widely as Loretta nods and gestures for us to sit down.
There’s not enough room for all of us to sit down on one side so I sit down opposite her with Mum on one side and Aston on the other. Dad is the brave one and sits down next to Loretta and Ella stands over by the tree leaning her back against it.
“So…” Mum says bluntly, as we all look in Loretta’s direction.
“Well, thank you for meeting with me today. You didn’t have to—”
“No, we didn’t,” Mum says and I open my eyes wide at her blatant disapproval of Loretta.
“Lia, take it down a notch,” Colt berates and Mum glares at him.
Mum’s usually the one telling Dad off, so it’s weird that the roles are reversed for once.
“I have some questions,” I ask.
“Straight to the point. Okay, shoot,” she says and I tighten my hand in Aston’s.
“So why did you give me up after six months? Was I not good enough for you?” I ask as a tear falls down my cheek and plops on my shirt.
She reaches her hands out across the table like she’s hoping I will take them as her face falls.
“No honey, you were too good for me. That’s why I gave you up, that’s why I had to give you up. You were a perfect little angel and I was just a junkie who was wasting away. I couldn’t look after you properly and I had no money—”
“Because you were spending it on drugs,” Mum snides.
Loretta exhales and pulls her hands back knowing I’m not going to take them. “Yes, unfortunately, yes. I’m not happy or proud of who I was Annie, and I certainly didn’t deserve you—”
“She doesn’t deserve you now,” Mum snaps and Dad stands up and walks over to Mum lifting her up.
“C’mon baby let’s go for a walk,” he says starting to drag her away.
“And leave Annie here with her? No way!” Mum says struggling against Dad.
“Lia, Aston is here and you know he will protect her. Now let’s take a walk before you make a fool of yourself,” he says and she looks down at me. I nod letting her know it’s okay, and she exhales. I see her eyes mist up with unshed tears as her and Dad walk off over behind the tree. Ella goes and stands with them as they watch from afar.
“Sorry about Mum, she isn’t handling this too well,” I say as I turn back to Loretta.
“It’s okay. I understand. I’m not the most trustworthy looking person. I look like this because of my past. Trust me, I wish I looked better for you. Lia is right, you do deserve better than me and that’s why I gave you up because you deserved a world without me in it.”
“So why come back now?” I ask and she smiles.
“Annie, you taught me that I needed to straighten my life out. When I saw how famous you had become and how you climbed your way out of a hole that you managed to find yourself in, I based my recovery on you. If my daughter can fight addiction, so can I.”
“I was never addicted to drugs, Loretta. The papers say what they want without knowing the real facts. I took them once, and that’s when the photographs were taken. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it brought Aston back into my life and that’s all that matters to me.”
“Well, thank you, Aston, for making my Acacia see straight,” she says and I raise an eyebrow.
“Acacia?” I say and she chuckles and nods.
“That was what I named you, Annie,” she says and I’d never even thought of that. Of course, I had a different name before Mum and Dad adopted me.
“Wow,” I say in response. I’m not really sure Acacia suits me, and to be honest I like Annie much better. “So if you don’t know who my father is, do you have a list of names at least?”
“I was in a bad place, Annie. I was sleeping with men for money so I could get my next hit. The list is very long and to be honest I don’t remember most of them,” she says honestly and I tense up.
“So you were a hooker?”
“I didn’t work the streets or anything, but I did get paid for sex. I didn’t class myself as a hooker, but I guess the definition of a hooker is being paid for sex, so I don’t know. I don’t like to think of it like that, but if you need a label then yes,” she says and a shudder runs through my body.
“Were you high when you were pregnant with me?” I ask and she looks down at the table and I feel cold. A shiver runs through me and I start to shake.
“Yes,” is all she says and my bottom lip starts to tremble. “You were born high Annie, and they had to detox you when you were born prematurely. You were in the hospital for ages.”
I shake my head feeling like I want to leave and never talk to her again. But that would be pointless, I should find out everything I can while I’m here.
“So how long have you been sober?”
She looks back up at me and smiles. “Nearly six months, right after your scandal and recovery I sorted myself out. When I saw you were going down the path I had tried to stop you from treading when I gave you away, it nearly killed me, Annie. Knowing you were taking drugs, and that the feeling of being addicted to them would have been easy for you seeing as you were born with drugs in your system, made me weep for days.”
“But I was never addicted to them. I told you I only took them once.”
“Oh right, I guess I just listened to what the papers had to say and then I believed it. I never wanted an addict’s life for you, Acacia.”
“Please don’t call me that.”
“Sorry, just force of habit. Whenever I tell anyone about my baby girl, I always call you Acacia, so no one knows it’s you. The world doesn’t need to know that I’m your mother that can be between us. You don’t need to feel obligated to tell anyone,” she says and I breathe a sigh of relief. Because honestly, I know this sounds nasty, but I would be embarrassed if the world knew she was my birth mother.
“Okay, that sounds good to me.”
She draws back with a shocked look like maybe she thought I would admit to the world she was my mother. I find it odd, but dismiss it.
“So tell me where do you live?”
“Not too far from here. I moved to Oxfordshire a few years ago to keep an eye on you. Sounds a little stalkery when I say it like that, but I just wanted to be closer to you and even though you had no
idea I was near you, it felt good to see you. I never saw you in town, but I always watched you on television and on the internet. I’ve been keeping an eye on you for years, ever since I found out that you were mine.”
“And how did you find out again?”
“I asked the adoption agency who your parents were. They wouldn’t tell me and it took some convincing and a little bribery, but eventually they gave me Lia and Colt’s names and I figured the rest out by myself,” she says. I feel like there’s way more to that story, but I decide to let it go.
“Okay,” I say and Aston looks down at me.
I’m starting to feel a little weak and tired. I think the emotion of all this might be getting to me.
“You okay, Annie?” Aston asks and I look up at him with tears in my eyes and nod.
“I think that maybe Annie has had enough for today. So you’ll be okay with us leaving now, won’t you?” he asks and she nods and reaches her hands out across the table again. I really don’t want to, but I figure she’s making an effort so maybe I should too. I put one hand out and she takes it in hers and squeezes tightly as I squeeze my other hand even tighter against Aston’s.
“I’ve missed you so much Annie and I really want to make the past twenty years up to you.”
I nod as a tear falls down my cheek. She tightens her hand in mine and starts to cry.
“I love you, Annie, I always have. Just remember that, okay?”
My heart constricts and then explodes as I burst out crying. The words I’ve needed to hear from my birth mother my whole life, and she’s just said them. I thought she didn’t love me. I thought that’s why she gave me up, but she just said she loves me and I can’t handle it right now. I pull my hand from hers and Aston pulls me to his chest. He knows what she said would affect me and he stands from the table and pulls me with him as I sob into his chest.
“I’m sorry, Annie. Did I say something wrong?” she asks standing up and looking lost as Mum and Dad come rushing over.
“What did you do?” Mum yells at her and runs to me pulling me into her arms. I hold onto her so tightly while she comforts me.
“I… I don’t know,” Loretta says and Aston looks at Mum and smiles.
“Loretta told Annie that she loves her,” he says and I cry even harder knowing that he heard it too, and it wasn’t just in my imagination.
Mum looks over to her and I think I see a faint smile. “Thank you, Loretta. She needed to hear that,” Mum says and pulls me back and wipes the tears from my face.
“See sweetheart, you are worthy of love,” she says and I nod as my sobbing subsides. “I think we better get you home, hey?” Mum says softly and I nod and turn back toward Loretta and smile.
“Thank you. Sorry, I freaked out.”
“I’m not sure what I did, but you’re welcome.”
“I thought you never loved me, and that’s why you gave me up because I wasn’t worthy of being loved.”
“I’m sorry you felt like that honey, but that’s not true. I loved you too much. That’s why I let you go to a better home because you deserved so much more than I could possibly give you.”
“Let’s get you home, Annie. I think you’ve had enough emotion for one day,” Aston says pulling me to him and I nod.
“It was great seeing you, maybe we can do it again?” she asks.
“After the test results are back,” Mum replies curtly and I look at her and nod.
“Well, you have my number now. So if you have any more questions or want to know anything give me a call Annie,” she almost pleads.
I nod as I can’t speak right now. My heart is racing out of control and if I thought I felt nauseous before now I feel down-right heinous. The bile is sitting in my throat and I hate that I’m feeling so much emotion from just fifteen minutes with her. I’m glad I don’t have to do this again soon. Well, not until the results are back which should be another couple of days.
“Again, thanks for seeing me, Annie,” she says and steps forward to hug me. I can’t handle that right now so I step back and she nods. “Sorry, maybe next time?”
I nod and she smiles and tilts her head at Mum and Dad and then turns and walks away from us. We all stand and watch her leave. She gets to her car she turns around and waves. I don’t wave back, but I do cling onto Aston tighter.
“I’m so proud of you, baby,” Aston says as she gets into her car and drives away.
“Me too, sweetheart. And see, we’ve been telling you all these years that you’re worthy of love and she just proved it,” Mum says pulling me from Aston and embracing me tightly. I hug her back and nod as I wipe away my tears.
“I guess, I can believe it now,” I say and they all laugh.
“You guess?” Aston asks and I smile at him.
“Okay fine, I’m worthy of love. You’ve more than shown me that, Aston,” I say and everyone laughs and cheers. “I am worthy of love!” I yell it out loud and God it feels cathartic. Everyone comes in for a group hug and they all embrace me tightly. Then I realise Ella isn’t in the hug. I pull back to see her still over by the tree not even looking at us.
“Is she okay, Mum?” I ask and she looks over at Ella, who’s ignoring us.
“She will be sweetheart, she just needs some time,” she says and we all start to walk across to her.
“Elle’s Bells, you coming?” I ask.
She fakes a smile and I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her close.
“You know I love you, right?”
“I know,” she says and we all walk back to the car.
We get home and I feel sorry for Ella. I know she’s struggling with this, and I know it must hurt thinking about her real parents. I wish I could help her find them, but then again if they turned out to be like Loretta then maybe she’s better off not knowing. I’m still not sure how I feel about all of this at the moment.
We make our way inside and Mum and Dad head straight for the kitchen, probably for a shot of coffee. I think Mum’s nerves are as unsettled as mine are. Ella goes up to her room and I sit with Aston on the lounge suite and cuddle with him, the two dogs sitting on our laps.
“So, how are you really? It’s just us, you can be honest with me, baby,” he says stroking my arm.
“I’m okay, I think. Hearing that she loves me, even though she gave me up, is something I really needed to hear. Like I know that you love me. I believe you, but I guess there was always that niggling feeling of if she didn’t love me enough then how could anyone else, you know?”
“I know, you’ve been struggling with it for your entire life, and it was the reason behind our breakup, but like always you never listen to us. Well, maybe you will now,” he says and leans in gently kissing my lips.
Time passes and Aston and I are still in the lounge room watching trash on television. We’ve been here for hours and I have no idea where Mum and Dad are. Maybe they’re just giving me some time with Aston, but I decide to go and see if Mum is all right.
I stand up and let Aston know I’m getting us something to eat and head toward the kitchen. As I get closer I can hear Mum crying. Stopping I lean against the wall listening, in my usual hiding position.
“So what did they say?” Dad asks as Mum gently cries.
“She said that Loretta came to them when Annie was about five-years-old and that the man who ran the adoption agency was fired for taking bribes. She said that people were giving him sexual favours in return for information on their children. It was a big scandal, but they hid it under the rug so the media didn’t find out. They were hoping nothing would happen, but in the last couple of years there’s been reports of the parents finding their adopted children because of that man. God, I hate him right now,” Mum says and I shudder thinking of the horrible things Loretta must have done to find out where I was.
“That’s disgusting, I’m not sure how I feel about this. Loretta seems like she’s genuinely interesting in getting to know Annie, but why leave it so long? Why not come to us wh
en she was five?” Dad asks and I’ve wondered that myself.
“I know, I don’t trust her Colt, and worst of all I hate that Annie is so open to this. Sure she is guarded, but if Loretta really is her mother then how are we going to stop her from taking Annie away from us?”
“Lia that won’t happen. Annie loves us and she is sensible. Sometimes she makes bad decisions, but she’s smart and she can see that Loretta is definitely not a normal type of person. You can tell by looking at her. Loretta Banks is not someone we have to worry about where Annie is concerned. She’s not going to go off and live with Loretta after living with us. I hate to pull the standards card, but Annie has been spoiled her entire life and going from what we provide her to whatever it is that Loretta could, would be a massive decline in living standards for Annie. We don’t have to worry about that, okay? Annie won’t leave you for her,” Dad says and I nod in agreement.
“I guess I’m just worried. I know she wouldn’t leave and live with her, I mean she won’t even hug her, but Colt I’m so scared. This whole paternity test shit again. I thought the first time we went through paternity with Caleb that we would never have to do this again and I hate it! It’s just brings back such bad memories for me,” she says and starts crying again.
I bite my bottom lip hard.
“Baby, I know that the whole Macy and Caleb thing threw you and I know how hard it is having to go back to the same hospital and have Annie’s paternity tested. I know it would have brought everything back for you. But Lia, I swear, that if Loretta is Annie’s mother then I will do everything in my power to make sure that Annie is never alone with her. I don’t trust her either, but we can’t stop Annie from seeing her if she is her mother.”