by Noelle Adams
Gabe shook his head, smiling a little, and rubbed his hip where she had knocked into it. “I think I’ll survive.” After a few last soothing strokes, he pulled his hand out from between her legs.
She giggled, squeezing her thighs together over the lingering sensations. “That was amazing.”
He looked rather pleased at her words and stretched out beside her, pulling her closer with one of his arms. “Good. You’re pretty good yourself.”
“I wasn’t expecting it to be nearly so good.”
He stiffened slightly. “Why wouldn’t you think it would be good?”
“Nothing about you,” she said quickly. “Just sex in general. Especially the first time.”
He gently stroked her hair. “I think we can do even better. I usually have more control than that. It’s been a long time for me, and you’ve been making me crazy with lust for a while now.”
“Really?” She looked up at his face with a pleased smile, realizing he was serious.
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’ve kind of wanted you too.”
“Good.” He kissed her hair with a sigh.
She felt close to him—closer than she’d ever felt to a man before. She wanted to snuggle against him. But she was suddenly hit with the knowledge that it wasn’t always going to be like this between them.
They were headed for India, where they would both pour themselves into their work. She wasn’t even going to live with him a lot of the time, since he had to spend the school year in the States.
She had to be careful about getting ideas that weren’t practical, weren’t smart, weren’t part of their arranged agreement.
So she made herself pull away from his warm body, no matter how much she wanted to be close to it. “Thank you,” she said, sitting up in bed and pulling a sheet up to cover her breasts when she felt kind of self-conscious.
“You’re welcome,” he said, blinking slightly in what might be surprise. “Thank you.”
“I think I can sleep now, so I’m going to head back to bed.”
He nodded, pulling back from her slightly. “Okay. Sure.”
Something felt awkward between them for the first time, but she ignored it because she had to get away before she started having daydreams that would never come true.
She grabbed her pajamas from the floor and pulled them on, feeling suddenly so sore between the legs that she winced.
“Are you okay?” he asked, raising himself up.
“I’m fine,” she said quickly, limping to the door. “A little sore. Nothing too bad. It was great.”
He stared at her, revealing nothing. Feeling like he’d pulled back in some way. “Yeah. Goodnight.”
“Night.”
Then she was finally out of the door and back in the safety of her room.
She felt weird and shaking and like she hadn’t handled things right, but she wasn’t sure what else she could do.
They weren’t in love. They would never be that way.
They could have sex if they both wanted to, but she didn’t get to spend the night in his arms.
Seven
The next morning, Lydia woke up groggy and with a heaviness in the pit of her stomach, and it took her a few minutes to remember why.
She’d had sex with Gabe last night, and now she felt weird about it.
There was no reason to feel that way. They were married. They could have sex if they both wanted to, and clearly both of them had last night. She tried to talk herself back into her normal reasonable perspective, but didn’t succeed.
Her head felt so fuzzy that she pulled a sweatshirt on over her pajamas and went downstairs for coffee. She was a little sore between her legs, and each time she felt the pang of pain, she remembered why, making her feel a little heavier.
The heaviness only increased when she realized that Gabe and Ellie were already up and in the kitchen. She heard them before she turned the corner to see.
“Good morning,” she said brightly, determined not to let Gabe see that she felt uncomfortable about the night before.
“Morning,” he said, glancing back from the stove, where he appeared to be making pancakes. He was wearing a sweatshirt and pajama pants, just like her, and his hair was rumpled and eyelids heavier than normal. But his blue eyes were sharp as they rested on her.
She smiled breezily and turned to Ellie, who was seated at the table with an opened book in front of her. “Good morning, Ellie.”
The girl mumbled, “Good morning,” without looking up.
Lydia sighed. Exhibit One that sex didn’t fix relationships. Things weren’t any better this morning than they’d been yesterday.
When she realized that Gabe was still watching her, she smiled in his direction and headed for the refrigerator, mostly for something to do. She looked inside for a moment before her eyes landed on the orange juice. Then decided that was as good an excuse for opening the refrigerator as anything else.
She grabbed the carton, closed the door, and turned around—only to discover that Gabe was standing directly in front of her.
She gasped involuntarily and stared up at him.
He leaned in closer. “Is everything okay?” he murmured, barely audible. Obviously, he didn’t want his daughter to hear the question.
“Of course.” She kept her voice just as low, but she wished he weren’t standing quite so close.
It made her think about last night. About touching him last night. About the way he’d touched her. About the way he’d felt inside her.
She swallowed hard and fought to keep her expression breezy and natural.
Gabe glanced quickly over to the table and, on seeing that Ellie was focused on the book, he tilted his head so he could murmur in Lydia’s ear. “You feel okay about…everything?”
She stiffened, worried that her discomfort had somehow been evident. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know. I’m checking to make sure.”
“I’m fine.” She was overly conscious of his body, even covered in the sweatshirt. “Did you think I would swoon or something? I’m not a silly woman.”
“I never said you were silly.” His voice was just as soft, but now it sounded faintly annoyed. “I was just checking.”
“Well, I could check with you about it too. Are you okay?” She was able to meet his eyes with a challenging look.
“I’m just fine too.” His eyes had narrowed.
“Good.”
“Good.”
Now, she was even more aware of his body. And his tension. And the reined in passion she sensed beneath his reserve.
This was ridiculous. If he kept trapping her like this in the kitchen every morning, she was going to get turned on any time she got close to a refrigerator.
“Are you guys fighting?” Ellie asked from the table, very much as she’d asked the day before. She was still focused down on her book.
Gabe took a quick step back from Lydia. “Of course not.” He turned back to his pancakes, which looked rather overdone.
“Were you kissing?” Ellie asked, glancing up now with a suspicious look.
“We’re not fighting or kissing. We were just talking.” He sounded casual, laidback, but for some reason Lydia thought he might be uncomfortable.
“Are you keeping secrets?”
For no particular reason, Lydia felt a jolt of sympathy for Gabe, who looked like he was fighting to keep his patience and easy demeanor. So Lydia said lightly, “Maybe there’s a reason for keeping secrets. It’s not long until Christmas, you know.”
Ellie looked over at her for the first time. “Oh.”
Feeling vaguely pleased that she’d stymied the girl, Lydia poured herself some orange juice and then went to sit beside Ellie. “What are you reading?” she asked. “That’s a really big book.”
“I know,” Ellie said soberly, showing Lydia the cover.
“Is it good?” Lydia studied the cover, having a faint recognition of the author but coming up with no piece of knowledg
e to add to the conversation about it. But she remembered as a girl that she’d always liked to talk about the books she was reading, so she asked, “Are they riding a Pegasus?”
“Yes.”
“Is it good?”
“Yes.”
“It’s part of a series, isn’t it? Is this the first one?”
“No. This is number four.”
“Oh.” Lydia was looking at the words on the pages now. It seemed pretty hard reading for such a little girl. “I wonder if I would like these books.”
“Why would you like them?”
“Why wouldn’t I? I like the Harry Potter books.”
“You do?” Ellie’s eyes widened.
“Yes, of course. Do you have the first of these books?”
“I have all of them. You can read them, if you want.”
Lydia felt a silly swell of pride that she was having an actual conversation with the girl, without even setting about with any sort of strategy. “Thank you. I can start the first one today.”
Ellie nodded and accepted the plate of pancakes her dad set in front of her. “It’s a good one.”
Lydia glanced up when Gabe handed her a plate too, and she caught a strange look on his face. She wasn’t sure what to make of it. A little bit questioning. A little bit cautious.
She had no idea what it meant.
But the pancakes were right there in front of her, so she ate them.
***
Lydia started Ellie’s book that afternoon, and it was really a pretty good story. She actually was kind of sorry to put it down when she had to get ready for dinner at the church that evening.
Jessica and Alice had planned the dinner to celebrate Lydia and Gabe’s marriage. It was a potluck, so it was low-key, but Lydia still didn’t much want to go.
Since it was in their honor, there was no way not to go, though. She made an effort with her appearance and wore a nice pair of black pants and her favorite green dressy sweater.
On the way there, Lydia asked Ellie questions about the book. Ellie answered easily enough. She sounded faintly impatient, in that condescending little-girl way, but Lydia suspected she was pleased by the interest.
Gabe listened without saying much, although Lydia caught him watching her more than once. He’d made an effort with his clothes too and wore a brown sport coat over his dress shirt.
Lydia was feeling strangely nervous as they got out of Gabe’s car and entered one of the doors of the fellowship hall. She took a deep breath and reminded herself that there was nothing to be anxious or uncomfortable about.
They hadn’t lied to anyone. They were married for real. People could be happy for them without it being some sort of deception.
Plus, in a few months, all of this would be over and she’d be in India, where she’d wanted to be all this time.
She was ready to smile and greet people as they walked in. And then there was all the hassle of getting the dishes on the table and the line to fill their plates so there wasn’t much time for more than small talk.
And then it all felt fine—like any of the innumerable church potlucks Lydia had been to in her life. Yes, there were flowers for her and a table full of cards—since she and Gabe had intentionally asked for no presents—but otherwise people acted normal.
Except Gabe was beside her the whole time.
He had his arm slung over the back of her chair as they were drinking coffee after the meal. Her brother Thomas was sitting across from them, and he and Gabe had been talking about football.
Lydia didn’t mind football, but she couldn’t seem to focus much on the conversation.
She was trying not to think about how much she liked the feel of Gabe’s arm behind her.
In a lull in conversation, she glanced over and saw Ellie talking to Mia. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Ellie obviously holding court and imparting some sort of nine-year-old wisdom to the younger girl.
“They seem to get along pretty well,” she said, nodding toward the girls. “Even with the age difference.”
“Mia is used to hanging out with adults,” Thomas said, his face softening as he looked at his daughter.
He looked tired and faintly stressed, but he almost always looked that way.
“I’m glad she could come tonight,” Lydia said.
“Me too. It’s my weekend with her. She’s been talking about the wedding for weeks now, so she was really excited to see you again to see if you looked any different.”
Gabe chuckled, and Lydia smiled. “Why would I look different?”
Thomas gave a half-shrug. “She seemed to think you might.”
Honestly, Lydia felt different. If felt like so much had changed since she’d gotten married a couple of weeks ago.
But nothing really had changed at all. She was still her, and she was still going to India.
“So you have full custody of Ellie?” Thomas asked, looking over at Gabe.
The question was posed casually, and Gabe didn’t seem annoyed by it. “Yes.”
“Does her mother see her at all?”
Since his arm was around her, Lydia felt the slightest tension in his body. “Every once in a while. Very rarely. She…lives a different life.”
Thomas nodded. He’d always been smart. He could tell he shouldn’t go further into this conversation.
“How is Abigail?” Lydia asked softly. Since Thomas had brought up the conversation with Gabe, he couldn’t complain that she’d asked herself.
And she’d always liked Thomas’s wife. She’d been really upset when they’d separated.
Thomas looked at her, then glanced away. “She’s doing fine.”
“Has anything…changed?”
Her brother shook his head. “Nothing.”
Lydia swallowed and leaned back against Gabe, who tightened his arm around her.
She didn’t know exactly what had happened with her brother’s marriage, but it was obviously something not easy to fix.
Jessica came over just then with a plate of lemon squares and sat down in an empty chair next to Thomas.
“Oh, I’m full—” Lydia began.
“Please, eat one,” Jessica said with a wry grin. “Daniel said I made too much, and if I have to take the whole plate home, he’ll be proven right. You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?”
Lydia laughed and accepted one, although she really was pretty full. “Oh, it’s good.”
Jessica beamed. “No need to sound surprised.”
Gabe took one too, eating his in three bites. When she saw a little powdered sugar on his jaw, she reached up without thinking to brush it off.
She kind of liked his expression as he gazed at her. It felt warm, intimate. Not at all what she was used to.
But when she turned back, everyone around was watching them with that silly, cheesy expression that made her cringe. Like they were all so pleased she was in love.
She wasn’t in love. She was married to Gabe, but it was a purely practical arrangement.
He’d had sugar on his face, so she’d brushed it off for him. It was a decent thing to do. Not a sign that they were some sort of sappy, hackneyed couple.
She shifted away from Gabe slightly, and he dropped his arm.
***
She felt more herself on the way home, once all the intrusive eyes were no longer on them. Ellie had evidently had a really good time, and she was in a particularly happy mood. And Gabe was teasing her about the Christmas presents he’d bought for her, some that she would never guess.
Ellie tried to guess anyway, calling out increasingly extravagant possibilities. Lydia couldn’t help but join in, guessing an apple tree, a ball gown, and a zebra, and causing Ellie to laugh hysterically at each one.
“Did you get me a…a….a new car?” Ellie shouted, as they traipsed into the house. Her little face was beaming, and she was tugging on Lydia’s sleeve in her excitement.
“Ooh, I want a new car too!” Lydia said, her voice rippling with laughter.
Gabe had kept his composure the whole time, but he was obviously enjoying himself. There was laughter in his eyes as he tried to give the two of them a smug look. “What if I want a new car for Christmas?”
“No, you have to get cars for us!” Ellie was clearly getting overly excited, and Lydia vaguely hoped there wouldn’t be a crash soon. The girl ran over to Gabe, who swung her up in a hug.
“You won’t even be able to drive it.”
“But Miss…Aunt Lydia can drive mine and hers. Right?” Ellie looked over for confirmation.
“Right. I’m afraid we’ve left you no excuse.” Just for fun, she went over to grab his shirt the way Ellie was.
She’d never seen Gabe look so relaxed, so happy. The warmth in his face and smile was intoxicating. No wonder Ellie was so giddy.
“I think I’m being ganged up on,” he drawled. “And how will the cars fit under the tree?”
Ellie giggled at his comeback, but she was easily distracted. “When will we put up the Christmas tree, Daddy?”
“What about this weekend.”
“Yay!” Ellie sprinted into the living room to find the right location for the tree.
“Bed in fifteen minutes,” Gabe called, still smiling.
When he turned back to Lydia, she realized that she was still holding onto his shirt. And one of his hands had slid down to settle on her waist.
She felt a shiver of excitement, but it wasn’t just physical. She just wanted to be close to him.
As close as she could get.
They stared at each other for a minute, and the feeling between them shifted, got hotter somehow.
Just last night, they’d had sex. They could have sex again tonight.
She wondered if he’d say something. If he’d come to her room.
He dropped his hand when Ellie came running back, though, and Lydia silently told herself to get a grip.
She was still telling herself to get a grip when she changed clothes and went downstairs for a bottle of water.