The Suck Stops Here

by Kristen Painter

  “Hello.” He was incredibly good-looking. And she didn’t have any fae drugs in her system to blame that on. She smiled back. A little. “Come down to see us off?”

  “Not exactly.”

  Christina was suddenly at Donna’s elbow, staring at Kace.

  Thankfully, Francine came down the steps behind him, resplendent in a leopard-print velour tracksuit. “Hi, Donna. Hi, Charlie. Did Kace tell you? He’s going to be our security. Lionel got called away. Big movie deal in LA, and he couldn’t say no. Not to mention, he thought his presence at the funeral might attract unnecessary attention.”

  Donna nodded. “Same reason Meghan didn’t think she should go.”

  “Right. Anyway, Kace is filling in at the last minute. Wasn’t that sweet of Lionel? He didn’t want Bunni and me to be without protection.”

  “I’m sorry to hear Lionel won’t be joining us,” Donna said. Beside her, Charlie let out a rather woebegone sigh. Donna did her best not to laugh. No doubt Charlie had been looking forward to getting to know her favorite rocker a little better. “But it was very thoughtful of him to make sure you have someone to look out for you. And to still offer up the use of his bus.”

  Neo walked up, pulling her rolling luggage behind her.

  “And driver,” Francine said. “You want to have a look around?” She grinned suddenly. “There’s a stripper pole.”

  Neo snorted. “Good luck keeping Bunni off of that.”

  Donna blinked. “I, uh, I think we should get our stuff on our RV first, but then, sure, we’ll come over, and you can give us the tour.”

  Will and Harper were headed toward them as well, also rolling bags. People were going in and out of the RVs, everyone was talking, questions were being asked, and nothing seemed like it was really getting done.

  Donna had a moment of doubt about this trip being a good idea. It suddenly all seemed very overwhelming.

  Charlie cleared her throat softly. “Governor, if you don’t mind, I think we need a little organization here, or we’re going to get off schedule.”

  Donna exhaled. “Please, yes, do whatever you need to do. You have my complete permission to do what needs to be done. Blow a whistle. Use an air horn. This is chaos.”

  “I’ll handle it.” Charlie stood on the first step of the RV’s entrance. “Can I have your attention please?”

  Her voice rang out loud and clear with a penetrating clarity that caused everyone to fall silent and turn toward her.

  Apparently, being part banshee was a useful job skill after all.

  Charlie gazed at them as if conducting a military inspection. “We need to be on the road in approximately fifteen minutes. You’ve all been given your traveling assignments. Please make sure that your luggage is on the appropriate vehicle, and then get yourself on that vehicle as well.”

  She held her hand toward Will. “Ladies and gentlemen, this is Will Ferris of the renowned Ferris & Coven company. He’s going to be driving the governor’s RV.”

  Will nodded at everyone as he smoothed a hand over the braids in his bead, his trusty scythe hanging from his belt.

  Then she pointed to a tall, thin man who’d come out of Lionel’s bus. He was wearing a Bittersweet band baseball cap. “And this is Hector Garcia, Lionel’s driver. If you don’t know either of these fine men, please take a moment to introduce yourself. Then deal with your luggage and find your place.”

  People started to move with purpose. Donna exhaled. Charlie was a lifesaver.

  Charlie came down the steps and went directly to Donna. “Let me introduce you to Hector.”

  “Sure.” She followed Charlie over to the man.

  “Mr. Garcia, this is Governor Belladonna Barrone.”

  Donna stuck her hand out. He seemed like some kind of supernatural, but she had no idea what. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Garcia.”

  He took his hat off before shaking her hand. “The pleasure’s all mine, ma’am. I’m gonna let your rig set the pace, and I’ll follow behind.”

  He had the most soothing voice she’d ever heard. “Sounds good to me. Have you met Will Ferris? He’s driving for me.”

  “Not yet.”

  Donna found Will. He was already headed her way. “Will, come meet Hector Garcia.”

  Will shook the man’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  “You too,” Hector said. “I’m gonna let you set the pace.”

  “All right.” Will shook his head. “I’ve never driven one of these coaches, but I drove eighteen-wheelers for a good while.”

  Hector smiled. “I did, too, but this is a much better gig. And trust me, man, if you can drive an eighteen-wheeler, you got this. But if you need anything, you get me on the radio.”

  Will nodded. “Thanks. That’s good to hear. I’m not worried, but any questions, and I’ll holler at you.”

  “Gentlemen,” Charlie interrupted. “Can you each do a head count on your vehicle and let me know when you have your full passenger load?”

  They each gave her a nod.

  Hector lifted his hand in a little wave. “Good to meet you all. See you on the road.”

  As Hector walked off toward Lionel’s bus, Will turned to Donna. “I have the items you asked for. Not sure how the small one is going to work. She might not like it. It was a custom order that got canceled at the last minute.”

  Donna shrugged. “I guess we won’t know until she sees it. Are the items in the RV already?”

  He nodded. “Harper took them in and put them in my bunk.”

  “Okay.” Donna pulled her phone out and texted Neo. Come see me in the RV for two minutes. She needed to text Cammie, too, but she might just run into her inside. First, though, she looked at Will again. “Let’s go get these pieces fitted, then we can get on the road.”

  “Sounds good.” He smoothed his beard. “I just need to make sure Hector and I are connected on the CB radio.”

  “Okay, go do it. I’ll see you in there.”

  He went back to the RV, leaving Donna and Charlie alone.

  “Charlie? I’m going to need Neo with me for a few minutes, so that might affect the schedule. Sorry about that.”

  Charlie grinned. “You can have all the time you like. I just told everyone fifteen minutes because without a deadline, they’d be willy-nilly all over the place.” She hooked her thumb toward Lionel’s bus. “I’m going to have a look at that thing. Then I’ll be back.”

  Donna laughed. “Okay, see you in a few.”

  Neo texted back. Five minutes?

  Perfect, Donna replied. Then she climbed onto the RV, which was a riot of activity inside. In that moment, she was glad for the private bedroom and having a space to retreat to. She went straight to it, squeezing past Harper as she was getting her bunk set up.

  Cammie was in the bedroom, sitting on the bed. “Hey. Sorry. I just needed to get out of the way. I’ll go lie in my bunk.”

  “No, I’m glad you’re here. I was just going to look for you.”

  “Oh? Something wrong?”

  “Nope, not at all. I have something for you.”

  Cammie’s brows bent. “What?”

  Donna smiled. “You’ll see.” She leaned out of the doorway and called for Will. He was sitting in the driver’s seat, fiddling with the CB radio. Maybe trying to reach Hector? “Will? We’re ready for you.”

  He held his hand up. “On my way.”

  “What did you do?” Cammie asked.

  “You’ll see.”

  A moment later, Will and Harper came in. Harper had a shopping bag in her hand, the item in it obscured by tissue paper and the familiar gold F&C seal.

  “Cammie, this is Will Ferris and his daughter Harper, as you probably already know.”

  Cammie stood. “I do, but it’s nice to formally meet you. I saw you at the fae battle.” She smiled at Will. “I understand we’re family now.”

  He gave her a curious look, then laughed, showing the tips of his fangs. He slapped a hand over his mouth. “Sorry about that. St
ill getting used to the new teeth. Yes, I suppose we are family now. Should I call you Auntie?”

  Cammie, still smiling, shook her head. “Cammie will do.”

  Harper held out the bag. “This is for you.”

  Cammie took the bag, exchanging her smile for a look of skepticism. “What is it?”

  Donna was eager to see it herself. “Open it up.”

  With one last glance at Will and Harper, Cammie broke the F&C sticker and pulled the tissue paper out of the way. “This looks like…black chain mail.”

  “It’s not exactly chain mail. It’s a new thing my sister Daisy has been working on. In the process of adding iron to the clothing we make, she sort of accidentally came up with a spell that turns iron malleable without being molten. She kept trying it out on different types of iron and finally came up with what was basically iron string. It’s not something we sell. Yet. But she’d already made this shirt as a prototype.”

  Harper looked at Donna. “When you called, Daisy immediately thought this shirt could work. She went to work on it right away, knitting another five inches onto it so it would cover more of the body. Then we plated it in black rhodium to make it smooth and supple. And this is the result.”

  Cammie reached into the bag and took the shirt out. She held it by the shoulders, putting it up against her body. It hung to the tops of her thighs with a split at each seam for easier movement. The sleeves looked like they’d cover just past her wrist bones.

  Because it had been knit as opposed to being linked together piece by piece, it looked very much like a sheer sweater.

  Cammie blinked like she was a little overcome. Not a standard look for her at all. “It’s fantastic.”

  Harper grinned. “If you could just slip it on, I can make any adjustments that it needs. And if you don’t mind, Daisy would love a picture of you in it.”

  Cammie glanced at Donna. “I’d say that I can’t believe you did this, but I can. Because you’re the best sister in the world. Thank you.”

  Donna smiled. “You’re welcome. But all I did is call these amazing folks.”

  “Hey,” Will said. “I’m glad you like, but I’m equally glad you don’t mind being our guinea pig for this. We’d like to add this stuff to our offerings, but none of it’s been battle-tested.”

  Cammie’s brows went up. “So a sword or a claw might go right through this?”

  He shook his head. “Not a chance. The first small piece she made, we put it through all kinds of tests on our dummy. It was impervious to everything we threw at it. It’s just never been in actual combat before. You know, against demons or the like.”

  Cammie nodded. “I see.”

  Donna snorted. “With any luck, it’ll stay that way. I’m really hoping this trip is as uneventful as possible.”

  Will held his hands up. “Right. Same.”

  Cammie got to work pulling the tunic on over her T-shirt. “It’s heavy enough.”

  “I can fix that too,” Harper said.

  Cammie held her arms out as Will stepped back to let Harper around the bed. “I think it fits pretty good.”

  “Could be a little better,” Harper said. “Move your arms like you’re swinging a sword, and let me see what the seams do.”

  As the two women worked, Donna moved to stand beside Will. “Thank you. It’s perfect. How much do I owe you for this?”

  “Nothing.” He shook his head. “We’re good.”

  “Will.”

  He slanted his eyes at her. “And risk the wrath of my girls? They can’t imagine how they could ever repay you for saving my life. No, ma’am. You might be the governor, but they scare me more.”

  She laughed. “Okay, fine, but at some point along this trip, I am buying you dinner. Or breakfast. Or something. Deal?”

  He stayed silent a moment. “All right.”

  Harper spoke a soft incantation, and Cammie got a strange look on her face.

  “Feels weird, doesn’t it?” Donna asked.

  Cammie nodded. “Very.”

  Harper stepped back and nodded. “That’s it. You’re fitted.”

  “Feels amazing,” Cammie said.

  Donna’s phone vibrated. She checked the screen. It was Neo saying she was in the RV.

  Donna smiled at Will. “Ready for round two?”

  As a very appreciative Cammie stepped out, a curious Neo stepped in. Donna was used to seeing her in leather, but at the moment, she was dressed in black knit leggings, her standard lug-soled boots, and a giant marled gray and purple hoodie with a print of a tattooed heart on the front. Neo’s version of comfy travel clothes.

  She shot a quick look at Will and Harper, then made a face at Donna as she slid the door closed. “Why do I feel like I’m being called to the principal’s office?”

  Donna laughed. “I don’t know. Have you been naughty?”

  A big, mischievous smile spread across Neo’s face. “Only with my boy Temo, but I don’t think you called me in here to talk about that.”

  Donna pretended to shudder in response. “No, I did not.”

  Neo laughed. “Hey, maybe I should give you both a quickie lesson in glamouring. Since you’re here and all. It’s really simple. What do you say?”

  “Sure.” Maybe it wasn’t the best time, but learning to glamour people would be good for both her and Will.

  “Great,” Neo said. “All you have to do is concentrate your desire into the words that convey that desire.” She looked at Harper. “Do you mind if I use you as a test subject?”

  Harper shook her head. “Just so long as you don’t make me cluck like a chicken.”

  Neo smirked. “I’ll do my best.” Then she looked at Will and Donna again. “I’m going to give Harper a simple command. Listen to how I emphasize the words while making full eye contact. That’s also important.”

  Then she looked at Harper. “Raise your right hand.”

  Harper’s hand went into the air.

  Neo shrugged. “See? Bigger asks require more concentration, as do more difficult subjects, but practice will help.” She shot Harper a look. “You can put your hand down now.”

  Harper shook herself like she was coming awake. “That wasn’t weird at all.”

  “Wow,” Donna said. “Thank you. I definitely need to learn to do that.” Then she smiled. “But you know that’s not what I called you in here for. I have a gift for you. Now that you’re taking the role of cyber security on my team, I wanted to do something extra for you.”

  Neo shook her head. “You’ve already done so much for me by giving me the job. That’s part of why I wanted to teach you the glamouring thing. As a way of saying thanks.”

  “Well, consider this another perk of the job.” Donna nodded to the Ferrises.

  Will Ferris held out the company’s signature dove-gray box with its gleaming logo. “This was short notice, so if you don’t like it, we will absolutely get you something different after the trip.”

  Neo still looked confused as she took the box. She stared at the logo for a second. “This can’t be what I think it is.”

  Harper’s mouth turned up in a smirk. “Don’t get too excited. You might hate it.”

  Neo put the box on the bed, opened it, and cautiously pushed the tissue paper aside. Then she inhaled softly, mouth agape. She didn’t do much else but stand there and stare at the leather jacket inside.

  Donna held her breath, unable to read Neo’s face.

  Harper grimaced. “I knew it wouldn’t work. That’s the problem with custom pieces. They’re only going to appeal to the—”

  “I love it,” Neo whispered. She reached in and pulled out the jacket, letting it unfold as she lifted it.

  The piece was crafted from deep purple leather, a color so dark and rich that at night it would definitely look black. Gunmetal studs accented some of the seams, which were aligned very differently than on Donna’s jacket. This one almost had a futuristic look to it with stronger shoulders and clean angles.

  Neo turned towa
rd Will and Harper. “This was custom-made for me?”

  The two of them looked at Donna as if they were unsure they should tell the truth.

  Donna answered for them. “No, Neo. It was a custom order for someone else. I just called Will about getting you a jacket today. I didn’t want you to come on this trip and not have the extra protection it would provide. Will had to find something that worked on short notice, so this was a custom piece that the original customer didn’t pick up. At least I think that’s right.”

  “It is,” Will confirmed. “Which is why we are very willing to take it back if you don’t like it. We still are. So if you really don’t—”

  Neo clutched the jacket to her chest. “Are you kidding? It looks like it was made for me. I love purple. It’s my favorite color. And this kind of cyberpunk style is…” One side of her mouth hitched up. “You are not getting this back.”

  Harper clapped her hands lightly together. “Then let’s get it spelled to fit you as perfectly as possible.”

  While they did that, Donna slipped out to check on how ready everyone was to depart. Christina was in the loft, getting her stuff organized. “How is it up there?”

  She looked down. “It’s pretty comfortable. Short on headroom, but I’m going to be lying down most of the time, so that doesn’t bother me.”

  “Where are you putting your clothes and stuff?”

  “I have a drawer in the bathroom for my toiletries, and there are some cabinets up here. It’s all good.”

  “Okay, just checking.” Donna was happy Christina was happy. That’s just how it worked with her kids. If they were hurting, she hurt. If they were good, so was she.

  Charlie was sitting sideways on the driver’s seat and using the CB radio to communicate with Hector. “Okay, thanks. I don’t think she’ll be much longer.”

  She hung up the handset and stood. “Once Neo is back on the tour bus, we’re ready to roll. You want to run over there and have a look around?”

  Donna did, but she didn’t want to be the reason they were late pulling out either.

  “Come on,” Charlie said. “Five minutes won’t hurt.”

  Clearly, Charlie really wanted to see Lionel’s bus again, even if Lionel wasn’t on it.