We pull up outside a basic-looking pub with a creaking sign and whitewashed walls. He parks on double yellow lines. I’ve never driven but I’m aware you aren’t supposed to park on them. I walk behind him into an entrance with a door on the left and right. He chooses the latter and I’m surprised to find us in a cosy, thick-carpeted room with a long wooden bar.
I receive a few interested looks, but when they see my company they nod respectfully, avert their eyes, and continue their quiet conversations. Radic has a quick chat with an older woman behind the bar. He nods towards a table in the corner which I assume is a message for me to sit there and he disappears through a further door at the back of the room. It stays open and I hear pool balls knocking against each other.
The lady delivers a smile and a coffee. I relax. This is what I expected from a pub. Perhaps too much television gave me false ideas. The bars we’d gone to on our nights out had been brightly lit places of glass, or loud warehouses with sticky carpets and too many people.
I don’t know what to expect. I’m surprised I came. However, sitting here, I have a feeling that this was meant to be.
28
We Meet Again
An attractive woman in tight jeans and a billowing white shirt breezes through the door by which Radic left. Cold eyes behind heavy eyeshadow pass over the crowd and me. She turns to leave before glancing my way again. This time, her head cocks to one side.
‘Katie?’
‘Rada?’
‘Wow, look at you, Katie. I’m so happy you came. If Radic hadn’t told me you were here, I’d never have recognised you.’
I am stunned by the vision in front of me and need a few seconds to regain my composure. ‘I decided to enjoy a day out and thought it would be nice to see you again. Shared problems and all that.’
‘You have problem?’
‘No. Well, many, don’t you? I wasn’t expecting it to be like this.’
‘Come on, let’s get out of here. You hungry?’
I nod, so she takes my hand and guides me through the door. A few of the regulars shout goodbye. She has high-heeled ankle boots on which means I need to look up to see her. She looks nothing like the woman I knew. This lady strides rather than shambles. Her chin is raised as though she is in control. I pull my shoulders back too.
‘Do you like souvlaki or moussaka?’
‘Who are they?’
That amuses her. ‘It’s Greek food, although they do sound a bit like the names of prisoners. A little heavy, but very good. I love it.’
‘Sounds interesting, and expensive. I don’t have much money.’
‘I will pay. The restaurant is expensive.’ She giggles before continuing. ‘At night anyway, but it’s quite cheap at lunch.’
I find it hard to stop looking at her. She’s happy; bouncing even. It’s not far and a man in restaurant clothes greets us warmly.
‘You want wine?’ she asks.
‘It’s not often I drink during the day.’
As she smiles in agreement, I notice there are almost-hidden bags under her eyes.
‘I don’t drink much either. Lots of alcohol makes me unstable. After what happened before when I was out of control, it’s not a good experience. Now tell me, Katie. How is life?’
I didn’t come all this way to hide, so I let it all go. ‘I’m lost. I have no family or strong connections in Cambridge, so I don’t belong. There’s a job which isn’t too bad. It just seems that life is happening next to me, and I’m unable to join in.’
She nods as I talk and replies immediately. ‘That is how I felt. I thought subconsciously, if that’s the right word, my son would be there when I got out. How crazy is that? However, Radic took me in and let me use a little self-contained flat near the pub. I sat in it and cried. It was Radic who spoke to me about what I was doing. We cannot change the past, only the future.’
‘I agree. But all this probation stuff makes me feel like I can’t be my own person. I want to pack a bag and wander. You know, just do what I like.’
‘I hated them knowing what I was doing. In many ways it was worse than being inside. Radic suggested I tell them I was going back to the Ukraine. I asked about it legally. They said no problem, but I would need to go through the channels, whatever that means. In the end, I sent them a copy of my one-way airline ticket and my passport.’
‘Didn’t they stop you leaving?’
‘Silly! I sent it after I had flown home. Then, I returned but no more Anna Rada. I am Irina Shevchenko, from Poland. Where I came from was close to the border with Poland anyway. I know enough of the language if anyone asks.’
‘And now you’re free.’
Her face falls. She visibly pulls herself together. ‘I am free from the authorities, but I’ll never be free from regret. I will have some fun though. As Radic says, we die soon enough. We may as well have a few laughs on the way.’
‘I wish I didn’t have to abide by those rules. I’m worried about my probation officer too. He’s going to try to make me do something I don’t want to, I am sure of it.’
‘You’re in Cambridge, aren’t you? That’s funny you say that. I heard a similar story from a girl, Oksana, who works as dancer at the club.’
I was interested and confused. ‘There are dancers at that pub?’
‘Not in the pub. There is a private member’s club above it. That’s where I work.’
‘Ah, okay. What did she say about him?’
‘She said he was evil. Worse than the ones who brought her over here.’
‘Could I talk to her?’
‘Of course. What time do you need to leave?’
‘The last train is the eight-thirty.’
‘Sorry, she doesn’t start until nine. I could ring her. Actually, you could stay over. I have sofa bed in lounge. Go home tomorrow morning. This evening, we do karaoke.’
‘No, I must be back…’
But that’s not true. My shift at the warehouse doesn’t start until the afternoon. No one knows I’m here. Nobody cares either. I want to talk to this Oksana. What she says might be important. I also think, karaoke aside, tonight will be fun.
29
Good Times
Irina’s flat is tiny but comfortable. She insists I sleep in her bed and she will sleep on the sofa. I stop protesting after she takes the sheets off and puts on fresh ones.
The late afternoon sun shines through the window and bathes the lounge in warm light. I wake up in a chair as evening approaches. I’ve never been good at napping, but I am relaxed here. Maybe it’s the distance from Cambridge that’s doing it. The anonymity is amazing. Although I suspect the belt-snapping lunch we’d had was the main cause of my snooze. Irina, as I’m now used to calling her, walks in with a towel wrapped around her.
‘Sleeping Beauty awakes. Are you hungry?’
I glance down at my still protruding stomach and puff my cheeks out.
‘Shower then?’
As always when you sleep in your clothes, my skin is grimy, so I agree. I have nothing to change into, nor any toiletries. I tell her that.
‘No problem. I have many things spare. Besides, we are a similar size. You’ve been in prison, so you can’t be fussy.’
I smile at her. She can say that again.
Her shower is powerful. It’s like the long ones I took in the approved premises. She’s left underwear on the toilet seat; a matching black set. The knickers are full but high-cut at the side. The bra is a size too small and struggles to control their new inhabitants. I don’t feel self-conscious. Years of strip-searches removed any such inhibitions. So, I walk into the lounge and do a cheeky pose.
‘Wow! The boys are going to go mad for you.’
‘Very funny. The bra’s too small.’
‘Don’t be crazy. It is the perfect size.’
She is wearing a small black dress with tights. It’s short but the arms are full, so it looks classy. I realise I only have my jeans to wear and return to the toilet to collect them. The steam
has cleared and I can see myself in the long mirror. The underwear suits me. My face is bright red from the hot water, but on tiptoes I grin at my profile. I think of Jan and shrug. I’ve had enough of men for the moment.
Irina holds a blue dress on a hanger in front of me when I enter the lounge. It’s a shiny knee-length number. I slip it on and it slides down my body as though it was made for me.
‘That really suits you, Katie.’
‘It’s beautiful. I’ve worn nothing like this before. Here, you have it. I can wear something else.’
‘Don’t be silly. The dress was always a bit loose around the chest area for me. I couldn’t take it back because I’d stolen it.’
Who knows why things cause people to laugh. That almost has us throwing our underwear away. When we’ve composed ourselves, Irina guides me into the bedroom. She fetches our wine glasses and tops them up.
‘Now, make-up time. When you’re putting lots on, there’s a fine line between catwalk and circus. You are more Coco the Clown than Coco Chanel. You don’t talk much about being young, but I don’t think you spent your childhood dressing up.’
She’s right. I do not mention my past and I didn’t spend it playing with dolls. I’m not offended either. Maleeha knew how to put her foundation and lipstick on, so we’d get her to do ours. It seemed unimportant at the time, yet now I wish I’d practised. I loved being unidentifiable today, even if I did entertain.
‘Will you do mine and show me how?’
‘Sure. Look at us having a girlie night. It’s fun, yes?’
It is. It reminds me of going out with the girls when we were first released - but this feels less manic. She pulls my hair back into a ponytail and exclaims at its strength. She says she damaged her own locks with dyes ages ago. It’s strange to think that, in all those years in jail, not only did my body hide away from the ravages of time, but my hair retained its health as well. Hers is an unnatural shade of red. I don’t like it, but I love the idea of a new colour.
She talks about growing up in the Ukraine. Like many youngsters there, she dreamed of a good job and big salaries abroad. They were easy pickings for the players in the criminal world, in particular the traffickers.
She confuses me by talking about concealer, primer and foundation, along with blusher and highlighter. When she gets to mascara and eyeliner, she giggles.
‘Is there, perhaps, a werewolf in your family tree?’
‘No, why?’
‘If it is the full moon tonight, these hairy beasts may wake up and attack us all.’
I glance at my eyebrows and then at hers. There’s quite a difference. It had never occurred to me that I would want to trim them.
‘What about Cara Delavigne? Hasn’t she got bushy ones?’
‘Bushy yes, these are like woodland. Maybe a job for another day.’ She looks in the mirror and our eyes connect. ‘Will you come back again?’
There’s no pause. ‘Definitely.’
‘Cool. I’d love a friend who understands what I’ve been through. See how you get on with everyone. I won’t say any more as the club won’t be what you’re expecting.’
‘Sounds interesting. What exactly does Radic do?’
‘He’ll be there tonight, you can ask him yourself.’
30
The Club
A bouncer dominates the doorway when we arrive. He sports an approachable, sleepy face, but he is absolutely enormous. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone so large. There’s unlikely to be any trouble with him standing there. We walk through the pub to good-natured whistles and cheers. It’s surprisingly busy for a weekday.
The upstairs is not what I expect at all. I’ve been thinking gentleman’s club. Perhaps something like a secluded bar in a nice hotel. Instead, it resembles a strip club with the lights turned on. There’s a raised platform in one corner with an aluminium pole in the middle. Even I know what that’s for.
Light pop music comes from a sound system on a table next to a small bar. There are six round tables in the centre of the room, three of which have a solitary bloke in one of the seats. There’s a booth on each side which makes me think of drug deals from films, and a dance floor in front of the ‘stage’. Classy does not spring to mind.
Irina grins at my bewildered expression.
‘I said it wouldn’t be what you expected.’
‘You’d be right.’ I chuckle. ‘It’s like a sinister McDonald’s.’
Irina laughs too. ‘Hey, it’s not a brothel. That’s for a pole dancer. We have a girl who is professional. Come on, let’s drink some vodka.’
I notice a mirrored wall near to the bar and gasp. I am the swan from The Ugly Duckling. The top of the dress covers my chest but the cut highlights it. My arms are toned and lithe. However, the tattoos do not quite fit with the image, and the blue of the outfit shows my skin to be alabaster white which I suppose it is. I don’t mind either fact.
I had to give her the shoes back as they hurt when I walked. She kept saying walk on my tiptoes, but I’d have fallen over if so much as a fly landed on me. The only thing I don’t like is my hair. Irina covered it with vast amounts of hairspray, and I have the sensation of wearing a polystyrene helmet. I can taste the stuff. Irina stands next to me.
‘We look good, eh?’
‘We do.’
‘Not bad for two convicts!’
She’s right. We are nothing like those girls from prison. My face doesn’t have a blemish on it, although my nose looks bigger than I imagined. The mascara lights up my blue eyes so even I’m drawn to them. Irina’s legs shimmer and lure above her high heels. I stare at my flats and shrug. They’ll do.
‘You look beautiful, Katie. Really, you do. A little ghostlike maybe. Is the sun not allowed in Cambridge?’
‘Sunbathing is boring.’
‘Cheat then. Tan in a bottle is almost as good and much quicker.’
She hands me a drink with a small amount of liquid in the bottom. After chinking hers against mine, she knocks it back. ‘Za vas!’
I reciprocate. God knows what it is, but my nipples harden. I cough out a question. ‘What does Za vas mean?’
‘Here’s to you.’
Even under the face paint, her affection is obvious.
‘Thank you, Irina.’
‘No problem.’
‘No, honestly. I feel like a different person. I never imagined I could appear this way. What have I done to deserve this? You don’t have to be my friend.’
‘Why do you say that?’
‘I could’ve been nicer to you in prison. Been friendlier. I just turned myself off.’
‘You listen here. We all did what we needed to get through it. You saved me, remember. Don’t think about things too much. I saw you were lost, like me. People come along in life and help when you least expect them. That’s always been the way. You’re fun to be with. I wouldn’t have invited you to stay if I wasn’t enjoying your company.’
I think back to the day she says I saved her. Everyone knew what was going on in that laundry room, and I did knock on the door. The screws were coming though. It’s so long ago now that I can’t remember if I would have intervened or not if the staff weren’t nearby. Or maybe I was warning the others so they didn’t get caught.
‘Snap out of it, Katie. We live new lives now.’
I roll my head back and stare at the ceiling. I’m not surprised to see a multi-coloured globe. One of the three men catches my eye, smiles, and waves his glass. I glance at Irina.
‘What does he want?’
‘He wants you to wee in his cup.’
‘What?’
She has me for a second, laughs like a woman with no cares and wanders over to him. She pats him on the back and walks to the bar. I follow.
‘Irina, why are we dressed up like this? It seems a little over-the-top for three blokes.’
‘We look fabulous to have fun downstairs. It will be quiet here until eleven. Only those who don’t want to be seen drink here. Oksana c
an handle it until then. I am hostess later when she may dance. It is easy job. I get drinks, be nice to people, cool down tempers. Some men like to watch ladies’ dancing.’
‘It sounds a bit sleazy.’
A man’s voice interrupts. ‘How dare you?’
I didn’t hear Radic approach. I jump so high, I’m pleased I’m still in my clothes. He smiles at my scared face.
‘Relax, It’s a joke. It is grubby. That’s its purpose.’
I sense Irina disappear to give the man his drink.
‘And what purpose is that?’
‘In my line of work, I need somewhere safe to do business. My acquaintances enjoy being distracted. Here, we can experience a good time, among friends. Watch entertainment while having a conversation.’
‘They don’t appear to be doing much chatting together?’
Radic shouts out to the men. They rise out of their seats and head towards a booth. I study their craggy faces as they walk past. It’s obvious these men experienced tough lives. Pain or sadness has erased their emotions. Violence removed their good looks. In their eyes, there is nothing. I involuntarily shudder as they sit in the booth in silence. Radic’s laugh draws my attention back to the conversation.
‘Perhaps they are sleepy. Now, tell me. How did you end up in my club?’
‘Irina brought me.’
‘Yes, but she is employed here. Are you going to work for me?’
‘Are you offering me a job?’
He laughs. His eyes twinkle.
‘There’s something about you, Katie. I’m not sure what. You look stunning tonight, you are fun, but there is an untouchable part of you? I need strong women to manage this place. That’s all these men respect. Would you want a role here?’
‘I suspect after a few weeks you’d have me swinging around that pole and popping balloons with darts from my arse.’
Irina returns at that moment. The pair of them grin at each other and laugh so hard I can’t help joining in. ‘The job’s yours,’ he offers, and they fold up again. Finally, they recover.
SHADOWS OF REGRET: If your life was ruined, would you seek redemption or take revenge? Page 11