by S. Ann Cole
Amanda leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Honestly, Kia, your boyfriend needs to be illegal. Scratch that. He is illegal. Lethally illegal.”
Giggling like a proud girlfriend, I moved towards Chad.
Before I could hug or kiss him, he tersely uttered, “Can we talk? I’m not here for long.”
He flew all the way to Australia to see me, yet he wasn’t here for long? “Uh, okay?”
Pressing a hand to my lower back, he guided me through the lobby, over to the hotel bar.
“Want something to drink?” he asked, once we were seated on two barstools.
“You said you weren’t here for long, no?”
“I’ve got time for a beer.” He turned to the bartender, “Two Coronas.”
We were both fans of the same beer.
“Lemon with that?” the bartender asked.
“Yeah.”
Chad patiently waited for the bartender to serve us, while I studied him. On the norm, it was difficult to tell which Chad was with me, but this time I could.
This was the Chad I didn’t know well. The brusque, intimidating man with power and leadership. The Chad who had a glint of evil in the dark pools of his eyes.
The bartender served us our beers and moved on to the next customer, and before I lifted my beer to my mouth, Chad announced, “I’m ending us.”
As if I’d just been slapped across the face, I froze, staring at him, mouth agape.
I searched his face, eyes, for any kind of emotion whatsoever and found none.
“Why?”
Careful to maintain his hard, invulnerable exterior, he took a long sip of his beer. “I don’t love you. I could. But I won’t allow myself to.”
“Why?” was all I managed again.
A speck of emotion flitted across his face for one brief second. A minute, almost imperceptible crack in his composure. “I can’t do this anymore, Saskia. Being with you and worrying if one day you’ll just leave and go after him. I can’t keep investing my time in a relationship my gut tells me won’t last.”
Setting down my beer on the bar, I leaned forward and took his free hand in mine. “I won’t, Chad. I promised you I wouldn’t.”
He shook his head. “I can’t live with your promise, Saskia, so I won’t make you keep it. I love that you’re a woman of your word, but your promise can’t be the only thing keeping us together. I have no peace of mind in knowing that.”
“But I want you,” I tried to assure him. “I’m with you.”
Chad’s gaze dropped to my hand holding his, watching them for a beat before he pulled his hand away. “You’re with me, but you’re not mine. You never were. And you won’t ever be. I should’ve known better than to fuck with nature.”
I forced myself to feel some semblance of pain or disappointment from this breakup. Maybe some tears would be convincing. But nothing came. Nothing.
Chad couldn’t leave me. Our relationship was the only thing keeping me from going after Jahleel.
Staying focused on Chad and his promise to be with me had kept me whole on tour. Ever since that night, he was the one person who kept me from going absolute barmy. If he left me, I’d drive myself to ground with the love, the pain, the anger, the obsession of Jahleel Kingston.
I needed Chad to keep me sane and levelled. And no, I wasn’t being selfish. Because no one had even an inkling of how deep and desperate my love for Jahleel ran. It terrified the bejesus out of me what I’d do if I couldn’t ever have him.
“Chad, that’s not tru—”
“You repeat his name in your sleep, Saskia,” he told me, voice empty. “You lie in my bed, in my arms, and dream of him.”
“So, if this is a problem, why’d you continue with me?”
“It happened for about a month when you returned from your tour. But once we started spending time together, it stopped. Completely. Now…” His voice trailed off, leaving me to fill in the rest.
It started again when I saw him eight weeks ago.
Holding on to myself for support, I clasped my hands around my arms. “That’s not fair, Chad. I can’t control what I do or say while I’m asleep.”
“Well, I can control what passes through my ears, and I have to preserve and protect myself from possible heartache in the future. I have to end this, Saskia.”
Although he kept his true emotions under wraps, I knew it had to be hard for any man to sleep next to a woman who’s dreaming of another.
No, I didn’t want him to leave me, but I couldn’t continue being selfish by begging him to stay. So, I accepted with a quiet, “Okay.”
Chad studied me for a minute, searching for who-knows-what. Then he rubbed his palms together and smiled. “Great. Now that that’s out of the way, I need a favour.”
“Really?” I stared at him in utter awe. “You flew around the world to break up with me to my face, and in your next breath, you ask me a favour?”
“I only ended our sexual relationship, not our friendship,” he chastised. “You’re one of the strongest, loyal, most down to earth women I’ve ever met, Saskia. Of course, I have to keep your friendship.”
I blew off his compliment by waving my hand. “What’s the favour?”
“You still got security at your place, right?”
“Yeah.”
“How many?”
“Still three.” I picked up my Corona and took a sip. “The two securing the residence and the one who follows me around.”
When he raised a brow, I laughed. “What? You forgot about The Bling Ring? I don’t leave a key under the mat like Paris Hilton. I leave burly human securities who can break your neck with a snap.”
“Perfect,” Chad said, nodding in approval. “I have to do some traveling for a couple of weeks. The only other person I trust isn’t speaking to me at the moment. You’re next in line, so I want you to keep Alina for me until I get back. I can’t leave her alone at the penthouse. She’s already packed and waiting for your call. If she asks to go anywhere than the norm, run it by me first, and always set a security tail on her whenever she leaves the house. She’s disciplined, malleable and smart, so she shouldn’t be much of a problem.”
“Okay. I’ll have someone pick her up,” I agreed, ecstatic. I could abort my long time plot to kidnap her now that she was being turned over to me with no effort on my part. “But it sounds more like you’re telling me instead of asking. How were you so sure I’d say yes?”
Chad flashed me a dazzling smile before leaning in to kiss me softly. “Because you’re awesome, Saskia Day,” he whispered, then kissed me again. “Unbelievably awesome.”
“You just broke up with me and broke my heart, so I’m saying yes because I like Alina, not you.”
He stood up from the barstool, buttoning his jacket. “Sure you are.” Coming to a stop beside me, he lowered his head to whisper in my ear, “Just so you know, that was fucking hard for me to do.” His lips pressed a kiss to my temple. “I’ll miss the fuck out of you.”
Then he left me.
I was alone again. Dumped.
Swear it, I had the crappiest luck with men. Or maybe no man would ever stay with me because I would always be in love with someone else.
Jahleel Bane-Of-My-Existence Kingston.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“Kia, I’m worried about you.”
My head slowly turned in the direction of the person who spoke. Amanda.
She was sitting beside me in the back of the Phantom, and I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember where we were going or where we were coming from. But who cared, right?
Ever since Chad broke up with me seven weeks ago, my life has been the same: wake up, get dressed, eat, be a superstar for the world, smile when I didn’t feel like it, sing when I didn’t feel like it, get high on ‘what could’ve been’ thoughts of him.
What the hell else did people want from me?
“Why, Manda?” I demanded out of sheer annoyance. “Why are you worried?”
The edginess i
n my voice didn’t faze her. “Because your body is here with us but you are not. You’ve been like a zombie for the past seven weeks. Your movements are just…formulaic and mechanical. Your smiles are plastic. Your eyes are…Jesus, Kia.”
“I’m doing everything I’m supposed to, right? Making everyone happy, putting money in everyone’s pockets. Sure I am. So, what the fuck more do you all want from me?”
Shifting over on the back seat, she moved in, getting all up in my face, but her intimidation tactics weren’t working on me, because I was barely restraining myself from punching her in the eye. “I want my bloody friend back.”
“She’s here.”
“She’s not.”
“Piss off, will you, Manda?” I leaned forward to tap Thomas. “Make a pass by Pacific Heights.”
“Sure, Miss Day.”
“You’re wasting your time,” Amanda mumbled, shifting back to her side, but I ignored her.
A glimpse of his bike. A glimpse of his Jeep. A glimpse of his house. A glimpse of him. Anything. I just wanted to glimpse something of his to stop myself from losing it completely. Because I could feel me losing it. Slowly.
With Chad leaving me, I’d been left with nothing to keep my focus off him, so each day I fought a losing battle to keep my thoughts Jahleel-free.
Things felt a lot different because he wasn’t a fantasy anymore, because I’d gotten close to him, felt him, known him on a deeper level. Before that, it was easier to love from afar for five years and still maintain a healthy, successful life, becoming an icon.
Never before had I allowed him, or what I felt for him, to affect my work. But getting close to him had intensified my craving, my obsession, my need, my love.
And now? Now I got jitters. Now I trembled when no one was around. Now I cried through the nights. Now I popped sleeping pills. Now I wrapped my arms around myself like an asylum patient to prevent myself from calling or texting or watching videos of him.
This place, it was a horrible place to be, and I had no idea how to get myself out of it.
Thomas turned the vehicle up Jahleel’s steep hill and I grasped the door handle, holding my breath as we got nearer and nearer to his house. I wouldn’t go in, of course. I only wanted to see something related to him. I hadn’t been to this place since I ran out a blubbering mess over a year ago.
The house was dark-out when Thomas pulled up at the curb. No bike, no Jeep, not even Krissy’s.
A car drove down the other side of the street, then swung around and began reversing up a driveway. Their headlights illuminated Jahleel’s driveway, and that’s when I spotted the ‘For Sale’ sign.
“Told you it was a waste of time coming here, didn’t I?” Amanda droned in a bored tone. “But of late, you haven’t been listening to anyone but the voices in your head.”
Dragging my gaze away from the dark, vacated house, I turned to face her, but she was staring out the window on her side.
“He moved,” she apprised me. “Things got a little crazy since he judged on that dance show. Stalker sluts and paparazzi. He’s hot shite, and he hates it. Hates the attention and lack of privacy. He got worried about his daughter’s safety so he—”
“Wait, what?” I paused her, my heartbeat kicking up a frantic speed. “He has…a d-daughter?”
Amanda turned from the window to face me now, her expression commiserative. “Oh, Kia. You’ve blocked out all things Jahleel Kingston since you started dating Chad that, for a first, you’re behind on his status and I’m abreast. Don’t you ever listen to Ferbie? Amy or Jamie?”
“Like you said, I blocked him out,” I replied, voice hoarse. “So, he knocked-up Krissy?”
“No,” she shook her head, “Krissy married the mogul, like, a month after we went on tour.”
What?
“So who—”
“Her best friend,” she filled in. “But here’s the soap opera part of it…” Amanda trailed off and dipped her chin, looking at me under her lashes, a smile dancing on her lips. “You ready to hear this complete and absolute ridiculousness?”
“Just tell me already!”
Amanda leaned in as if she were about to divulge some top secret, “She stole his sperm.”
Then she burst out laughing as if it was the sweetest joke in history.
But I was confused. “I’m not sure I understand.”
“Simple,” Amanda said with shrug. “He had sex with her, she stole the condom with his semen, went home, drained it in a turkey baster and knocked herself up.”
“Wha…Are you bloody well kidding me?”
The expression on my face must’ve been a mixture of horror, shock and incredulity, because Amanda clutched her stomach and howled in another fit of laughter.
“Your obsession with JK is nothing comparing to this bitch’s,” Amanda said, hiccupping. “This wench took things to a whole ‘nother level.”
“When did this happen?”
“The little girl’s four, so…”
“And he’s just finding out?”
“Apparently she hid it from both him and Krissy, and when Krissy found out, she threatened to tell JK if she didn’t. So the best friend came clean. JK ‘lost his shit’, I heard. But whether the baby was deceivingly conceived or not, she’s still his. So…”
Five years ago someone was far more obsessed than I was. Jahleel had a daughter. A four-year-old daughter. Could things get any worse? And I was sitting outside his dark, empty house like some fucking pathetic lunatic.
I tapped for Thomas to drive on.
“So, where did he move to?”
Amanda sobered, smile disappearing as she turned back around and looked out the window. “I don’t know.”
“You do.”
“I don’t.”
“Stop lying to me, Manda.”
She spun to me in utter irritation. “Why do you want to know, Kia? Look what he’s done to you! With all the melee going on with him you still want to join in? Can’t you see that JK and everything regarding him is a crazy mess? Insanity? Un-fucking-healthy?”
“Can’t you see that I’m a crazy mess? Insane? Unhealthy?” I yelled back. “Can’t you see I’m lifeless without him?”
“You need to let go, Kia.”
“You don’t think I’ve tried that, Manda?! Nothing works!”
To cool down my boiling temper, I shifted around and stared out of the window at the lights and automobiles zooming past us. “If I let go of him, I’ll let go of life.”
Silence grew as thick as a brick wall between us. I was beginning to hate everyone. Everything. Even life. There was no point in anything anymore.
“Closer to you.” Amanda’s quiet whisper broke through my wild reveries.
I frowned and cocked my head slightly in her direction. “What?”
“Look, I’m not saying this means anything, yeah?” she said without looking at me. I could tell she hated herself for telling me, thinking she’ll regret it. “It could simply be because he likes the neighbourhood, but he bought a house about five minutes away from yours.”
“Okay,” I said, slowly, as I contemplated my next question. “Can…can we go there? Just to see.”
Amanda closed her eyes, sighing heavily. “I’m losing you, Saskia. We’re losing you. The world is losing you. So whatever it takes to make you come back to us…”
Shuffling over to her, I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight. “It won’t get any worse, Manda. I promise.”
She didn’t hug me back, neither did she look at me when she said, “I wish to God I could believe that.”
Thomas swung up outside Jahleel’s new house. A house I drove past each and every day and didn’t even know it was his.
Had Chad been so perfect a distraction I didn’t pay attention to anything at all concerning Jahleel? Why did he have to leave me? Next time I saw him, I was going to slit his face open. Something I should’ve done when he dumped me in Australia.
Jahleel’s new house had more charm
and less modernism. An impressive two storey bungalow with shapely shrubs, a green lawn, palm trees, colourful flowers, cobble stones and even a lit-up fountain. If non-bachelor was what he was going for, he nailed it.
None of it reflected him, but then I remembered what he told me about who he was, and who he’d forced himself to be. Maybe he’d stopped forcing and was letting the original Jahleel reign.
The place was gated, but they were wide open, as was the garage door. His bike was there, next to a newer one, along with his red Jeep and a white Beemer. The Beemer sure wasn’t his; he wasn’t a car man.
“You okay with just looking, right?” Amanda asked from beside me.
“The gates are open,” I mused.
She sighed. “Want me to come with you?”
“No.”
I opened the door and stepped out. Palms suddenly clammy, I rubbed them down my denim-covered thighs, took a deep breath and trekked through the gates of Jahleel Kingston’s property, down the cobble-stoned pathway, around the gushing fountain, up the limestone steps and came to a halt in front of the big black door. As black, hard and impenetrable as his heart.
Exhaling a slow, steady breath, I rang the doorbell and promptly stuffed my hands in my back pockets to prevent me from doing anything embarrassing when I saw him.
A few seconds ticked by before the door swung open, but it wasn’t Jahleel who stood in front of me. It was the woman who’d tumbled through Jahleel’s front door with Krissy on the first day Jahleel brought me to his house.
She was more beautiful than I remembered and could easily pass off as a member of that Armenian family famous for their big bums. Bobbed black hair, bow-shaped lips, voluptuous curves and a big round bum. She had to be the sperm stealer.
I hated her.
She looked at me with a rather off expression, one I couldn’t point out. Was that fear, or worry?
Before either of us could utter a word, a little girl ran up to the woman’s side in the doorway, tugging the woman’s hand in earnest and pouting. “Mommy, Daddy says I can’t have another gum ball. Can I have another gum ball?”