Letters to Ebay
Page 1
Copyright
Copyright © 2007 by Paul Meadors
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Warner Books
Hachette Book Group
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017
Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com
First eBook Edition: March 2010
ISBN: 978-0-446-19852-3
Contents
Copyright
Introduction
New Large Copper Metal Flower Arranging Form Bird Cage
Handmade Satin Organza Rose Flowers with Pouch-Doll-Quilt
Large Lucien Legeard Trap (animal trap, gin, rodent)
Hobo the Clown Marionette–String Puppet
Meinl Headliner–Five Star Cherry Congas and Bongos
Happy Birthday Hat Banner Banners Flag Flags
Vintage Sterling Charm ~ Large Heart Locket ~I Love You
Drug Rep Sealed (40) Notepad Lot Post-it Note Pad
New Large Cat in the Hat Stuffed Animal
6 Trays Individual Fake/False Eyelashes (Long)—#SGL03
Red Cellophane Wrap 30" × 100'
Large, Beautiful Happy Buddha Statue
LARGE CONCH SEA SHELL SEASHELL 6" FISH TANK AQUARIUM NR
Hot Wheels WORLD RACE Highway 35 LOT OF 9 MOC NR
NWT Midget Logger Suspenders 28" long Toddler Boys
OFFICIAL HARLAND & WOLFF TITANIC CONSTRUCTION DOCUMENT
Bud Vase Message Center, CHALKBOARD, CORKBOARD
Adorable Hello Kitty Plush Backpack Purse Bag
Pro Portable Artist Easel Mega $300 Art Supplies NR
NEW HANGING DRAGONFLY DESIGN CERAMIC BIRD FEEDER TRAY
Old Catcher’s Mitt Bill Dickey Vintage
5 Rolls of Colored Duct Tape, Pack, Mend, Repair, Tools
Lot 15 Bath & Body Works Hand Soaps All Scents!
3m Jumbo Lint Roller! 20 pack of Lint Rollers!
Lot of 60 Tennis Balls—great dog toys!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lot of 5 Sets Rubber Stamps, All Occasion, Wedding, Etc
24 Glass Test Tube 15 × 150mm heat resistant and bonus
Cymbal Mallets—“For All Drum Set Players Stick Bag”
ARROW VINTAGE COUNTIES JIGSAW PUZZLE; UK + Ireland
Persian Short Haired White Ceramic Kitty Cat Figurine
POWDER HORN Revolutionary War Flintlock Reenactment Gun
Tennis Rackets / Squash Rackets new RacquetSlugger New
Ben Nye Super White Professional Face Powder
NWT Juicy Couture Athletic Sweat Velour Pajama Suit L
Poetry—A Night Without Armor by Jewel Kilcher (1998)
Shure T Series SM58 Hand Held Wireless Microphone
Kendo Shinai Bamboo Practice Sword Iaido Samurai Boken
Large Wooden Rocking Horse Ride On Wood Toy 37½" Tall
Hard hat with 2 terry cloth liners
New Lafayette Drafting Studio Chair w/Loop
Wooly Bugger—30 New Assorted Fly Fishing Flies LOT
White House Black Market Black & White Poncho L
80 bendy straws BNIB
VIKING horned helmet, thor, norse, valkyrie
WATER BOMB SLINGSHOT Balloon Launcher TOY & 75 Balloons
Buescher Trumpet made in USA - Used
Dr. James Dobson on Parenting NEW Book Focus on Family
Kids BMX Bike
New RavX Bicycle Tire Pump! Bike Presta/Schrader
Nina Lyman dogs by Nina— Siberian Husky Vase
Cat Tree Scratcher House Post Furniture Condo Meow 175
Incredible Hulk Hands Smashing Sounds Boxing Gloves
Mouse Trap game
FABULOUS The Beatles SILVER MEDALLION
Snowman Wonderland Candle Lamp
NWT L Ladies Sheep Cardigan Sweater in Sage Reg. $69!!
Chrome HANDCUFFS with Leather belt holder POLICE
Ethnic HANDWOVEN Blanket/Throw
Vintage Late 0’s or Early 0’s Stapler Acco
3" HUGE SIMULATED DIAMOND GOLD PLATED BELLY BUTTON RINGS
Old Buckley’s Embossed Cough Syrup Bottle + Box, ’40s
DARK BROWN SUPER MULLET WIG MULLET HAIR PIECE COSTUME
FAMILY TREE WALLCHART AND INSTRUCTIONS FREE UK
Susan Bates 6pc Set of Crochet Hooks Silvalume 3.75–6.5
HONEYSUCKLE BUTTERFLY PILLOW ~ needlepoint kit ~ FLORAL
Massive Danish Mod Design Teak Lazy Susan Centerpiece!
VINTAGE 25" BAYONETTE DAGGER SWORD WITH SCABBARD
BULLY STICKS DOG TREATS 25 6-INCH STICKS, THICK CHEW
SHAPEABLE RAFFIA STRAW HAT
New Jansport Buckskin Suede Vacation Fanny Waist Pack
Vintage chrome Toastmaster toaster
Thick-walled Custombilt Bent Pot—U.S. Pipe
Mens Adidas Ozweeg VI Running Shoes Size 11 Like New NR
1996 Precious Moments Calendar
Women’s GK Elite Leotard Gymnastics Dance Sz Medium
Women’s Small Red Sequin Dress by Stenay New w/Tags
Howling Wolf Tea Light Candle Holder
100% Human HAIR wigs, extensions, etc. DARK BROWN
Pink Depression Glass: Small Rectangular Bowl, MINT!
Briefcase Rolling - NEW - Ideal for Sales
Vintage General Electric GE Fan -3 Speeds - Works Great
AUSTIN AU341 MAHOGANY ACOUSTIC GUITAR PACKAGE~FREE SHIP
Exchange Select Ready-To-Use Sodium Enema Case of 24
Little Tikes/Tykes Dollhouse Furniture Table & Chairs
4 wall hooks, brass-like figure: children carrying log
Lot 36 Keys… Skeleton… Blanks & Cabinet… Vintage
Dept. 56 Halloween Item: Halloween Victorian House
GOLD TRIM ITALIAN CHARM BRACELET
Unisex Bijou Derby handled Cane
FAKE FOOD—BLACK FOREST CAKE WILL FOOL YA
Model A Ford Tool Kit Grease Gun
~Kissing Booth Halloween Costume! Nib! ~*~ Wow!~ Bin!
Very Early Toy Electric Lectric Child’s Piano Works
1952 Military Canteen w/cup and canvas holder
Nike Fleece-Lined Cap with Ear Warmers, Unisex L/ XL
NEW! PAPER SHREDDER AUTO START/STOP WASTE BIN INCLUDED!
Chessboard Game Onyx Mexican Art Imported New Handmade
Halex Competition Brass Darts NIP
Estee Lauder Aramis for Men Stick Deodorant NEW
Ben-Gay 1934 Baume Bengue Trial size tube, box & Origin
Lot of 12 Little Golden Books / children’s books
Old Ceramic Bank - Retirement Fund - Comic Character
Pink Dolomite
Star Wars Lando Calrissian 12-inch Doll—MIB
New in plastic 35 year anniversary Disneyland Map
Petoskey Stone Fossil Coral Michigan Egg
MENS REFEREE JERSEY UNIFORM SHIRT LARGE
SPAD Radio Control 40 R/C Airplane ARF RC Kit Futaba JR
TINY SILVER TONE SAXOPHONE LAPEL PIN BROOCH W/7 STONES
Crest SpinBrush Electric Toothbrush White/Purple NEW
1930’s OR 40’S PRUNING SHEARS, NEW OLD STOCK
Rare Starbucks coffee globe map travel mug with flags
Prada Hydrating Face Cream for dry skin NIB Full sz
Warm Scented Ladybug Heating Pad/Aromatherapy/Rice pack
Self Help Tapes by Anthony Robbins & Denis Waitley Phd.
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Introduction
This book started because of Bunko. Yes, Bunko. If you’re unfamiliar with Bunko it’s the wildly popular dice game playe
d by groups of women who scream uncontrollably at each roll in the hopes of rolling, well, a Bunko. Whatever that is. In my mind, these get-togethers are nothing more than a glorified tickle party. Anyway, if my wife hadn’t left the house for her Bunko game this book would have never come to fruition. It all started one August night in 2005 when my wife scampered away to her cult-like group, leaving me to watch over our two small girls. As one who uses the world of media as a form of distraction, I had a few options over the next three hours. At that point in my life my brain was starting to melt from being subjected to over 10,000 hours of the kids musical group the Wiggles, so popping one of those mind-numbing videos in the VCR was clearly out of the question. The Web seemed a logical choice. With a child on each knee, I surfed the Internet for some interactive Web sites for my daughters to enjoy. After two minutes my eyes started to bleed from watching a computerized Elmo spin on his head. I had to click away before my manhood was totally stripped from me. Then an idea popped into my head. I had heard through the family grapevine that my brother-in-law had recently put a few of his wares to sell on one of the most popular Web sites in the world—eBay. As an eBay member myself, I decided to check them out. My life would never be the same from that moment forward.
After logging into my eBay account I found his items. Naturally, in the world of eBay, these dust-collecting items were hidden treasures ready to be gobbled up by an anxious and reclusive buyer in Iowa or an elderly shopaholic in Texas. These were the following nuggets of pure eBay gold he was selling: A pair of used size 13 Rockport shoes, a ceramic “The Last Supper” sculpture with Jesus and his disciples, and a set of country- style napkins with place mats and napkin holders. Inherently there was nothing too strange about those items. My brother-in-law simply wanted to get rid of some stuff and earn a couple of honest bucks. But what caught my fancy were the descriptions of said items. The description for his Jesus and Disciples sculpture stated “if you are a collector of religious artifacts then this is a must-have!” What? You mean to tell me that this Michelangelo meets Leonardo da Vinci sculpture is up for sale on eBay with the low starting bid of only 99 cents? Why hasn’t it been donated to the Smithsonian, surrounded by a glass casing with those invisible laser security devices deterring would-be thieves? Wouldn’t that be a more logical resting place for this obviously rare and collectable jewel? Indiana Jones surely would have searched the bowels of the Amazon jungle for such a find. There were so many questions that burned inside of me concerning this must-have religious relic, so I sent him a few over-the-top questions about this Last Supper sculpture. After firing off a few more outlandish questions about his other items he finally e-mailed me to say that I should do the same to other eBay sellers to see what kind of reaction I could get. And so it started. I trolled eBay and quickly found a lovely Copper Metal Flower Arranging Form Bird Cage that stated it was “Worry Free!” at the bottom of the description. Worry free? This didn’t quite make sense to me so I decided to exploit it. How can a flower arranging birdcage be “Worry Free!”? So I took on the persona of a character that suffers greatly from worrying about whether sippy cups are really safe, the GNP of Hungary, and the number 72. I asked if his Copper Metal Flower Arranging Form Bird Cage could really help cure my condition of worrying and help me become “Worry Free!” like his description promised. To my delight I received a reply the next day with the assessment that the “Worry Free!” description was merely a reflection of the “ready-to-use nature of the cage” and that it, sadly, would not cure my condition. It worked. They bought it. If someone can take that question seriously then surely there would be more eBay sellers out there that would think the same. Thus, my alter ego Art Farkas was created.
Over the course of the next ten months my obsessive-compulsive tendencies were channeled in a new direction—firing off-the-wall questions to unsuspecting eBay sellers about their items. By day I was a simple fifth-grade teacher—by night I transformed into Art Farkas. From the person selling a vintage French bayonet to the one offering a ceramic bird feeder tray, no one was safe from my onslaught of seemingly far-fetched, creative letters. I was whooping it up pretty good, like a mad scientist rubbing his hands together in mischievous glee. And so, Letters to eBay was born. So sit back, put your hands around a cup of piping hot cocoa and enjoy the Web mayhem that I created. And remember—these are actual auctions and responses from actual eBay sellers. Oh, and by the way, the infamous Jesus and Disciples religious artifact sculpture? It never sold… not even for 99 cents.
New Large Copper Metal Flower Arranging Form Bird Cage
Decorative Bird Cage
Large
Directly Imported by Deals Only!
This elegant bird cage is a must for any
flower arranger/craftsperson!
Makes a wonderful "form" or frame
for arrangements of dried flowers!
The creative possibilities are endless!
Fits on any shelf or table!
Top Loading for easy cleaning/replacement of flowers!
Small front door with built-in latch!
Made of aluminum, which has been hand-painted to look like weathered antique copper!
Painted aluminum looks elegant like antique copper, but won’t corrode or oxidize!
Perfect for outside arrangements, or for live flowers in pots!
Worry Free!
Dimensions:
13" in Diameter, 20" Tall
Hello and greetings! I am interested in your New Large Copper Metal Flower Arranging Form Bird Cage with the low opening bid of $14.99. Your description of said item has helped a lot in my pondering process. I have one thought though. At the bottom of your description you say, “Worry free!” The simple fact is that my medical condition (please no inquiries in your reply e-mail) causes me to worry greatly about everything. I worry about simple and great things of the world including whether sippy cups are really safe, the GNP of Hungary, and the number 72. My question: Will your product really help me to be “Worry free!”? Believe me, I’ve tried everything to help fix my medical condition. (Again, NO questions please.) Thank you for your time.
Art
Hello-
Thank you for your interest in our auctions! The “worry free” line is more of a description of the ready-to-use nature of the cage. It is not a corrodible/rustable material and is ready to use right out of the box. It certainly does not extend to anything besides the cage. So no, this cage will not cure your condition.
Thank You,
Hunter at Dealsonlywebstore.com
Handmade Satin Organza Rose Flowers with Pouch-Doll-Quilt
Up for your consideration is a lot of 48 pieces of SATIN ROSES. These ROSES are a Pale Pink color and are SHADED here and there with a BEAUTIFUL SOFT Rose color. They have two SATIN PETALS and also 2 SHEER ORGANZA PETALS with a ROSETTE center and 5 SOFT GREEN leaves. These DARLING SATIN ROSES will come to you tucked in a sheer organza pouch embellished with a little flower on the front. This is a great way to keep these BEAUTIFUL satin flowers safe and protected.
The measurements are approx. 1½" to 1¾" round (the flower itself, not measuring the 5 leaves behind the flower).
Thank you for your interest in my auction.
HAPPY BIDDING from Pamela Amundson—the delight-fuldesigner
Greetings! Our daughter, Zoila, is set to attend her first high school prom in three weeks and my wife, Dotty, and I are making her dress. A very nice young man named Simon (freckles), who is president of the chess club and plays the french horn, is escorting her and we’re pleased as punch! We held a three-hour interview with him last Monday and laid down the ground-rules for his date with our daughter. No monkey business and home by 9:00 is our policy. We have already purchased twelve yards of a periwinkle silk fabric, four bob-bins of lavender thread, and a plethora of muti-colored buttons. We love your appliqués and think they would complement Zoila’s new dress perfectly. But, as strict Presbyterians, we’re concerned with the title of your auction. What do
you mean by “Satin Organza”? Naturally, we’re against Satin and his powers of evil and would not want to purchase anything having to do with Satin. If you could clear this up with us we might purchase your appliqués. Thank you.
Art
Good morning Art,
I awoke to check my e-mails and was also concerned with reading your e-mail. You sure had me questioning myself. I thought the spelling of Satan is with an a and not an i. So I got the dictionary out and wanted to make sure. Sure enough, this is the spelling of Satan not Satin. The description of Satin is a silky material that is glossy on one side. That is how the dictionary describes Satin. I surely would not include evil in my auctions. I have a Catholic background and was taught while growing up attending Catholic school that Satan was not the one to put my faith in. I would surely not include this name in my auctions, I can assure you. Have a great day and I was happy that your daughter has parents that are so wonderful to make her dress together. This will really make a lasting impression on her for the rest of her life. I am sure of that. It also would be a great honor to have made something to embellish her dress for her first prom.
Pamela
www.pamelaamundson.com
Large Lucien Legeard Trap (animal trap, gin, rodent)
A splendid example of this large trap with a long chain and grapple hook 17" trap, 7" jaws, 44" chain.
It sets well, has a safety catch and is in excellent condition.
The maker’s name Lucien Legeard is clearly stamped on the spring.
Five teeth are spaced around the jaws.
This size comes on the last row, which translates: for Jackals, Foxes, Otters, Wolves, Badgers. The use of Pole Traps was made illegal in 1904, similarly Gin Traps in 1958, but it is perfectly legal to collect these old antiques.
This will have to be my last set of traps for a while. I am away carp fishing in France early September, home for a few days and then off to Vancouver to return 2nd October.
I will then post more traps from my collection and who knows, I might even acquire some interesting ones during my travels.
Thanks to all my customers :)