“I,” Ina paused, fidgeting, her eyes looking everywhere but to me. “Oh honey, I don’t know how to say this. I swear I had the best of intentions, but now in light of this I fear I have made a huge mistake.”
“God, Ina you’re killing me please just spit it out, it can’t be worse than her already being angry at me for lying. Just tell me.” I was wrong, it was far worse.
***
I knew I had to tell Kelley. I would have to admit that I hadn’t told her, that I had not even so much as mentioned him to her. I didn’t want her to know. I knew what she would say, how she would act and I didn’t want any part of it. But that meant confessing that I was a coward; a grown woman afraid of her mother’s opinions and disapproval. I knew that she had liked Kelley. She looked after him and cared for him like he was a part of the family, but as soon as Daddy died, something in her died too. The things she used to love, love when he was alive she no longer loved. The memories she used to revel in; memories of their life when they were young when he was working his way up the ranks. It was all pain, the memories only carried pain. A pain I desperately wanted to spare her. I had seen my mother in enough pain to last a lifetime.
“My mom is coming.” I was lying on my back, spent from Kelley’s latest achievement, staring at the ceiling, girding myself for the conversation, not wanting to have it, not wanting to face what I had been avoiding, when the words just fell out. His face slowly turned to stone, a dark cloud moving across his eyes as he hovered above me. “They’ve made arrangements to honor Daddy at the ball. Ina asked her to come. They have a whole ceremony planned.” If I sounded horrified it was because I was. I hated reliving the accident, and even more, I hated when people made my mom relive it. It still had the power over her to steal her light, yet she would face it for other people’s selfish needs, then she would be broken all over again. I could feel the worry on my face but his remained set, unreadable.
“Does she know about us?” He asked flatly. I studied him for a beat, unsure of what he wanted to hear.
“No,” I told him quietly. His face twisted in a pained smirk before he filled his lungs with a deep breath and moved over me, swallowing the gap between us.
“How will this go down?”
“I don’t know…….I don’t care.” I did care, but being beneath him was more than a little distracting.
“We have to talk Mack.” He rolled to his side and pulled me with him. I wanted to roll away, by his tone I knew I didn’t want to hear what he had to say.
“I wrote to you, Makayla.” He said.
“What?” He paused, watching me before he replied.
“I sent you things, I called. I tried to talk to Sonja. You were my family.” He paused and cleared his throat, doing that man thing where he collects his wits, turns off the emotions and turns on the autopilot. He propped himself up on an elbow and looked down at me, nothing but seriousness in his eyes, waiting for a response, but I didn’t have one. I never got anything from him. I would remember, I longed for something from him, I dreamt about it. I had built intricately detailed fantasies about it. A word, a sign, anything that said he was thinking about us, missing us. But that never came, we left and he let us. That was my understanding, that was the reality that I lived. Yet here he was telling me that reality was false.
“I don’t understand,” I said sitting up, tucking my legs beneath me. He watched me closely and I tried to maintain a calm demeanor, but I was spinning.
“Your mom said it was too painful for you, said it was better that I left you alone.” His brows were knit together as if he was waiting for a bombshell, and then it hit.
“I never wanted that Kelley. Never,” I replied practically out of breath from the succession of misunderstandings, from the knowledge that my mother did that to me, to him. I shook my head and looked down into my lap and thought of all the moments I had wished Kelley was around. All the times I brought him up to my mother and she would just change the subject, claim he was so very busy with his career and had probably forgotten all about us. “I never got a letter, never got anything Kelley. I waited, wanted to hear from you. To know that you cared. I hated that we never came back, but I was a kid I had no control.”
I knew in that moment, even in the growing haze of anger that she had done it to protect herself, and by extension me. From the pain and heartache, from reliving the past, but that didn’t change the fact that she kept us apart when all I ever wanted was to be close to him. And here I sat, opposite this man, on a bed that he built, in the cottage he called home, right where I had always wanted to be and we were still miles apart.
“You never asked her to tell me to stay away?” he asked gruffly, unbelieving, but hopeful.
“No,” I replied without a beat. “I would never do that Kelley. I missed you. I have missed you and I thought about you all the time. No.” I stopped and looked at him. “I would never do that.” He pursed his lips in a half smile and nodded, somewhat unconvincingly.
“She is not going to like this,” he said sweeping the hair over my shoulder, running his thumb along the line of my tight jaw.
“No, she won’t. She doesn’t want this for me, she never did.”
***
I found myself at Heathrow a week later picking up my mother and her two huge hard case Ralph Lauren rolling bags. It only took her twenty-five minutes, the amount of time it took us to get us to the first dress shop before she launched into all I had denied her for the last few months and there was no end in sight.
“I just don’t understand why you need to do this pumpkin?” Her hushed voice came through a rack of gowns, her eyes barely visible between the hangers, but they were fixed on me.
“It’s who I am mom, I belong in the car, daddy always said so.
“Stop quoting your father, Makayla.” I narrowed my eyes on her and she swiftly diverted her gaze, turning to another rack, her back to me.
“Driving makes me feel close to him mom, can’t you understand that? We had plans, he had a plan for me.”
“We had plans Makayla, plans to grow old together. That didn’t happen.” That stopped me dead in my tracks. I knew her heart was still broken, but it was like she blamed him, blamed him for leaving, as if that was his choice. He would never have chosen to leave us, but she needed to hold someone accountable and daddy was an easy scapegoat since he wasn’t here. It was easier to be angry at him than to live with the hole he left in her heart. Anger was an easier choice, anger could eclipse the pain…most of the time. I suppose I always directed my anger towards her.
The whole afternoon carried on much the same way. Ina did her best to try and diffuse in the beginning but mom was relentless and Ina was soon worn down. I went straight to my room when we returned with our dresses and left poor Ina to it, she was fine until mom started talking about Kelley, then she could bear no more.
“He is a typical driver, Ina; they are all the same, ego maniacs with a death wish.”
“Sonja,” Ina snapped, “you know that is not true. Kelley is a good man. You loved him once.” Ina moved to pour them both a glass of wine with the hopes it would diffuse Sonja’s relentless commentary.
“That was a long time ago, Ina. He was a child and he was under Dale’s wing,” she said quietly turning her head to the window.
“Just give him a chance, Sonja, the boy loved Dale. He and Robert are really building something here. He looks out for Makayla, he cares about her.”
“Why would he care about Makayla? He hasn’t seen her in a decade. I suppose it only benefits them to have Dales name attached. He can cash in on her name and his memory. I just don’t think Makayla’s life is worth the risk.”
“They aren’t using her for her name, Sonja. Do you really believe Robert would do that? From what I’ve heard she is a damn good driver, Robert says he sees Dale in her.”
“You are not helping.”
“I am just trying to make you see, Sonja. Makayla is a driver, sh
e is talented and she is here because she has earned it. Not because Kelley and Robert want to cash in on Dales legacy. Quite the opposite is true. They haven’t even announced her as part of the team for that exact reason.”
“I don’t want to see my daughter get hurt, Ina. I can’t stand the thought of her getting her heart broken or worse. We have lost too much. She has lost too much. It kills me that she has been keeping secrets from me, meanwhile; they are keeping her a secret? Who is protecting her?”
“I am, Sonja, Robert is, Kelley is.” She scowled at Ina and turns away.
“I don’t miss all this crap, I’ll tell you that, Ina. I hated the politics when Dale was alive and I don’t want her swept up in that.”
“It’s not like that Sonja. Give your daughter the benefit of the doubt. She is a smart girl, she is a stubborn girl.” Ina looks to Sonja and they trade grins. “Don’t let this cause a rift, you two need to stick together. That girl needs you and you need her. She came all this way to work hard and to prove herself. Let her do that, let her show you.” Sonja’s body softened slightly as she took another sip of her wine and thought about the last few months without her daughter.
Chapter 17
What Love Wants
Kelley
“And where is Makayla tonight?” She managed to hold her tongue all of two minutes after we walked into the pub. I had to give Rose credit for that. I could feel the question hanging around her for days now; I knew it was just a matter of time.
“She is with her mother.”
“It’s official then? You have invited Ms. Love into your life?” She asked looking over her pint glass, pleased with her little play on words. Those piercing, ice blue eyes cutting right through the bullshit.
“Don’t know what you mean.” I shoved a big bite of stew in my mouth and chewed slowly, giving her chance to measure her words, taking the moment to measure mine and reminding myself she was coming from a good place.
“Do you love her?” She whispered, her eyes shifting as if it was a state secret. Not that I was going to answer her. I didn’t really know the answer. I knew that I was happy; I knew that I craved her on a cellular level, her taste, her smell, her mouth. I also knew that I wasn’t about to let myself fall like that. Rose may question it, but I remembered the pain, vividly, I just chose to no longer live in it. I remembered the feeling of being left. The man I looked up to died, I lived.
That alone struck me with a guilt that still reared its ugly head from time to time. Then on top of it to be left behind, to be asked to basically disappear. There was a part of me that still tasted that bitterness, still looked for it even. There was no danger of me forgetting what that felt like and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let it happen again, but I wasn’t going to be trapped by it.
“I am happy,” I told her.
“I don’t believe in coincidence, Kelley.” She said visibly unsatisfied with my response.
“This has all come together quite easily for her when you have worked so hard. I want you to be happy and I know the Lord works in mysterious ways and it’s not always for us to understand but none the less, it is still within our right to question.”
“I swear, the women in this family get too bold in their old age. Now you have the right to question God?” I teased.
“Excuse me, young man? Old age has not a thing to do with it, don’t fool yourself you are who you are at any age. I have always been bold, now I am wise, and I see what you don’t. You are my life Kelley, my blood. I don’t have it in me to watch you suffer.” She paused and took a small bite as Cress brought her a fresh pint.
“Whose interest is she actually serving? You were like family Kelley and they abandoned you.”
“She was twelve.”
“Fine, she was twelve, but every year between now and then she could have reached out. I know she lost her father and we both know how traumatic that is but, Kelley, when you go through trauma you keep your family close. They shunned you without a second thought and never looked back.”
“I really don’t think that is how it happened, Rose.” We hadn’t talked much about it but it was enough for me. Makayla and I were young. She was too young. There was nothing to be done once Sonja asked me to stay away. I had my own life to live, my own wounds to tend. For whatever reason, she was brought back to me and I was thankful for that moment when I saw her at the top of the stairs. For that first touch of our hand when I felt something I hadn’t felt in years. It was the first time I had felt my pulse in years anywhere outside the track. She made my heart race like only the track had. Whatever this was, and whatever it would turn into, was meant to be this way.
“They left you broken and confused with nobody to help pick up the pieces. You were there for them to pick up their pieces and they didn’t have the common courtesy to do the same for you. Not even a proper goodbye. Do you think for one minute that that woman is going to quietly welcome you back into her life? Have you asked yourself what Makayla really wants from you?”
“Nope,” I said, finishing my beer, putting it down harder than I had intended but Rose didn’t even flinch. “I really haven’t given it a second thought, Rose. You think she is using me? For what? A car? She could find that anywhere, her name alone practically guarantees it.”
“She is looking to fill a hole, my child.” I look up and smirk at her.
“I can help her with that.” Her eyes grew wide in feigned shock before she dropped the rouse and lowered her head, getting back to her well thought, most likely rehearsed point.
“You cannot replace her father, Kelley. You cannot give her back what she lost, that is a losing challenge, one that will only hurt you both. I don’t want to see you get hurt. Make sure that she knows what she is doing, more importantly, that you know what you are doing. Don’t let it happen again, keep your eyes open is all I’m saying and I’ll say no more.” She was already chewing the inside of her cheek and I couldn’t help but laugh at her zeal to protect me. I could have let her know right then that she had convinced me, not in the way that she had hoped, but a realization had dawned none the less. I decided not to make it so easy on her, I knew she meant well, but she could wait.
“You sure that’s all?”
“You are impossible.” She said slapping my hand, nodding her head in frustration but that familiar warmth growing in her eyes. “But, I reserve the right to speak my mind, young man.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
***
One last week of prep before opening weekend and the full press was on. Sonja loomed over Makayla. She was reserved and quiet, almost unsure and I hated seeing it. The strong, self-possessed girl that arrived and knocked me off my feet was slowly disappearing and it was unsettling, to say the least. She needed to find that strength again, to show her mother. To prove to herself that she had what it took, for her to see what I see.
Opening weekend would start with the ball and auction, as was tradition, and culminate Saturday at the track for Expo Day. It’s a day for young drivers to test their mettle and for the teams to show off their livery for the year. It would be Mack’s coming out and I knew she was ready but she didn’t share my confidence. I was doing everything I could to help her get it back, but she had to pull it out of herself. It was there, she was fighting it.
She wouldn’t be my date for Zoom, I wasn’t surprised when she made that quiet declaration as she lay beneath me, I understood. I was the one who initially suggested we keep this quiet, and knew in my heart of hearts that racing was her priority; she would do anything to stay in that car, even if it meant hiding whatever this was. I knew she was feeling the pressure after she found out her mom was coming.
The start of season had always felt like this. Like a crush, everything closing in around you. That’s when you turned to the track. It was the only relief there was from the season, the travel and relentless schedule, press and training. There was so much pressure, gliding in silence a
long a nice smooth track was the best relief; second only to the feel of Makayla trembling beneath me. That being a relatively new discovery and one that needed much more research and time. To be on the track, behind the wheel, this is when a driver can truly be free
She told me about her dress, tried to describe it while we lay in bed last night after I fucked her six ways from Sunday. Mint something, long; I don’t know I just knew she would look stunning.
I looked at my rumpled, still not made bed as I pulled the bowtie around my collar, already eager to be taking it off. I hated the monkey suit, truly, but I loved what it did to a woman’s eyes. They couldn’t help it, it was like a chemical reaction. Like the way a man’s thoughts naturally scatter when he sees a woman in promising lingerie. A tuxedo had a softening effect on any woman, I couldn’t wait to see what it did to Mack.
I pulled into Robert’s drive right behind the limo and cut the engine. Knowing I was walking into an ambush, somehow I could feel it, and I was already girding myself. Mack had been on edge ever since her mother arrived, only showing her face when required by team commitments. I had barely seen her and Sonja had been wreaking havoc, apparently unhappy with both me and Robert.
Mack opened the door and immediately pushed me into the sitting room, kicking the door closed behind her and even in her haste, she was fucking gorgeous and totally unaware. Her gown reached to the floor, her shoulders were bare, hair long and loose like I liked it. She didn’t need all the bells and whistles, she wasn’t wearing any jewels, no gold, no diamonds, just a simple silver bracelet around her wrist and tiny diamond studs in her ears. She was stunning, and it was killing me.
“This is never going to work,” she whispered in a rush, her hand pressed against my chest as she backed me further into the room. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes wide, waiting for confirmation that I understood, but all I could think about was kissing her. Those pretty pink lips pursed in worry, they needed to relax. I could help with that, but I knew better.
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