What was most important was that I set myself up for the final two turns, this would be the biggest challenge according to Kelley. It was essential that I made a fast exit so I could maximize my speed down the straight. He and Aidan were relentless, but I was glad for it.
The track was so clear in my mind I was dreaming about it. I could see it, I could feel it, and I could smell it. Turn 5 was where my dad died, after three straight days in the simulator, I made it through the curve without hesitation, in the simulator. On the track would be another matter all-together, but I was going to push myself.
“How are you feeling, baby?” Kelley asked as I paced in and out of the closet while he packed for us both.
“Sick,” I said honestly, wanting to pass pout, vomit, run like the wind and hide all at the same time. I had worked hard. Kelley believed in me, Aidan believed in me. Chase was beyond excited that we were both going to be on the track at Barcelona. He closed the suitcase, swung it from the bed and pulled me down with him.
“Take a deep breath,” he urged softly as he swept the hair from my shoulder and ran his finger along my collarbone. The touch sent a different shiver down my spine, warm and languid. It was a relief and I closed my eyes letting it wash over me. Nothing was better than Kelley’s hands on my body. Soft, hard, I didn’t care. I just wanted him to touch me. When I opened my eyes he was watching me. “You can do this.” There was such confidence in his voice. He brushed his thumb against my lips, watching them part, his dark eyes growing warm and liquid.
“I can,” I whispered, pulling from his confidence, knowing I had to treat it like a mantra. I realized with Rose’s help that I had thought to find my strength in Kelley but I was looking in the wrong place. He knew it, Rose knew it, but I couldn’t see it until now. I was a driver.
“Traveling in the morning. Time for my girl to sleep.” He got up and pulled back the comforter on what had so quickly become my side of his bed. “Roll over,” he commanded, and I did. He tucked me in, kissed both of my eyelids and switched off the light. “I am going to go lock everything down and I will be back.” I laid in the dark and tried to fill my lungs with the deep breaths of confidence. Breathing got easier when I felt Kelley slide in behind me. He wrapped his strong arms around me, hauling me to him, curling around me. He was warm, his pulse was strong, and he had me safe.
“I love you,” I whispered and he squeezed me tighter, his nose buried in my hair. His warm breath tickling just below my ear.
“I love you, Makayla.” His silky voice washed over me and colored my dreams.
***
Time trials went well. The first day I managed to take that fifth turn without breaking into a sweat. The cars’ computer said I slowed but it was minimal, and neither Kelley nor Aidan harped on it. I, on the other hand, wanted to lick it. I wanted to hit that curve the day of the race and own it. I didn’t care if I was winning, I just wanted to make it through. To prove to myself I could, to own the curve that my father couldn’t. He would be so proud of me, that alone made me feel invincible going into day two.
Neither Chase nor I managed to gain pole position, but nobody expected us too. We were as green as green could get, it being practically unheard of that a team would add a new car and change drivers mid-season. Winning was all about the points, which were hard to come by reliably from untested, unproven drivers.
I had watched Chase as he trained, Kelley and Aidan wanting us to know each other’s driving style, to be able to read one another on the track, anticipate one another. Chase was a strong driver. He was bold and demanding of the car, yet controlled and thoughtful. He was also a pusher, which I was quickly coming to appreciate. He liked to wind me up over the radio, his own brand of a pep talk. Poking and prodding until he got a laugh or got lapped.
***
I heard a soft rap at the door and looked at the clock. It was 6:15 am, and I was sure Kelley had hung the Do Not Disturb sign on the knob on his way out. He was already at the track and the car was coming for me and Chase in 45 minutes. I moved to the door and peered out the peephole before I pulled it open and launched myself into the hallway.
“Mom!” Ooof, the wind rushed from her lungs and I loosened my grip. “What are you doing here? You said you couldn’t come.” I pulled her into my room, the heavy door swinging shut behind us. My heart was racing, I was relieved to see her and yet nervous; nervous for her to have to endure this, for her to be in this place. I had worked hard to overcome what I felt about this track and this place, but I had had Kelley and Aidan to help me. I knew her pain was a different brand of pain and I had no idea if she was ready to face that. She plopped down on the bed and immediately kicked her shoes off, tucking her legs beneath her like she always did.
“I would never miss this, pumpkin.” I cocked my head and listened, not totally buying it.
“And Aidan is relentless,” she sighed and there it was. I narrowed my eyes on her and considered that for a moment, Aidan, convincing my mother, of anything. The suspicion was drowned out by the relief. The relief of seeing her, of having her to lean on. I needed her here when she said she couldn’t come I knew why, I thought I knew why, but I was crushed. Having her here now gave me a whole new sense of strength. “I got in late last night but Kelley said you were already asleep, and I wanted to surprise you.” I sat next to her on the bed and she tucked a curl behind my ear. “I would never let you go through this alone.” She stopped and did that mom thing, where they look you in the eye and you know they are doing some sort of direct download, telepathically filling you up. “I do not want to make you upset before your race. I just want you to know how proud I am of you. You are doing exactly what you have always wanted. You are strong and talented and amazing in every way. Maybe I held on a bit tight, but I cannot apologize for that when I see what an amazing woman you have become.” I needed that. She stood and moved to the closet pulling out my clothes for the day and tossing them to the bed.
“You have never been alone, Makayla. Your Daddy has always been with you. I have always seen him in you. I don’t think he ever left you.” She turned back to me, he eyes glistening and I hugged her. “I am sure he is so proud of you.” I put everything into that hug, we held each other so tight, our hearts beat in unison and in a moment it was as if all that heaviness fell to the floor between us. I lifted my head and she swept a tear from my face and we both giggled; an irrational, relieved giggle a decade in the making. There, on the 17th floor of The Hotel Cataluña, in room 172 we left our sorrow and left for the track hand in hand. Today would be the day we both conquered the curve.
Chapter 29
The Curve
The track felt different, more real because this time, it would be me on the asphalt, not sequestered in the garage. Kelley watched us walk in the garage, his face unreadable. We went over the track one more time and the strategy that Aidan and Kelley had laid out. We were to work as a team. This race wasn’t about the points as much as it was about the team. Both of us needed to cross the finish line intact and on good merit. This was our coming out and we had to make it a good one.
“Mario is on the track and he will be gunning for you. Keep him in your sights, I’ve got your back.” Chase said zipping up his jumpsuit. I hadn’t even thought about Mario or any of the other drivers for that matter. This race was about me and that curve.
I turned to Kelley and took a deep breath in an attempt to tamp down the anxiety that was growing in my belly. I looked up into his eyes and smiled, hoping it met my eyes, for his sake.
“You’re going to do great, kid.” He murmured pulling my jumpsuit up and over my shoulders. “You have your bracelet?” He asked and I showed him my wrist, the charm bracelet he gave me for my twelfth birthday dangling from my wrist, protected by my undershirt. “Good girl, keep us close.” A genuine smile spread across my face at the notion. I know he was talking about himself and my dad being with me out there. The thought was comforting.
“I will be i
n your ear, but remember this is your race. You should know this track like the back of your hand but we both know that doesn’t matter once you get out there with these other drivers. They are unpredictable and out for themselves. Stay focused and stay calm.” I nodded and took even breaths as he zipped me in.
“Hair,” he commanded as he reached for my helmet and I twisted my hair into a braid that he tucked in the neck of my jumpsuit. “You were made for this jumpsuit, Makayla. This is all you.” He kissed me lightly and gave me a look that said he had all the faith in the world in me. I smiled back and kissed the palm of his hand before we moved to the car and the pre-race began.
I thought about my feet, my fingers, the paddles, and the car. I thought about the track and the plan I had in my mind. The plan we went over and over. I thought about Kelley, my dad, the curve. I opened my eyes and focused on Kelley as he stood at the computers going over the readings from the car. His shoulders were stiff as he stood with his hands on his hips, legs spread slightly, commanding his space. He was better than any of my childish dreams and in that thought a realization. I had dreamt about this race dozens of times when I was a girl, each time that dream turned into a nightmare. Today would be different. I could feel it, I could hear it in the voice of my mother in my head, the voice of Rose and the voice of Kelley.
“It’s a great day for a race, Ms. Love.” That voice came over the speaker and set everything right. He was right there with me. I looked over and saw Daddy’s number and knew he was right.
I made a strong start, falling five cars behind the pole. Jensen, in the Ferrari car, was in the lead with Mario hot in his wheels. Chase was two cars back making a strong showing as the field slowed into the hard breaking first turn. My heart was pounding but I felt one with the car and she felt great. Turn 4 was wide and I seized the moment to move up past Carlos in the Red Bull car. I swung in front of him and found myself right behind Chase going into turn 5. I filled my lungs and focused on the lines. The curve, the arc, I blocked out all the noise around me.
“You can do this, Makayla.” I don’t know whose voice I heard in that moment, Kelley’s or my dad’s but it didn’t matter. I knew I could do it. My foot was firm, my grip was tight and Chase led the way.
I came out of the curve strong and to a celebration over the radio that bloodied my ears. I could hear the whole team roaring but I couldn’t focus on that. I had to keep driving. That was one curve. I had a whole race to run.
“Looking good, Mack,” Chase came over the radio. “Don’t get too close. The Merc is all over the track.” He was talking about Mario who was 2 car lengths ahead of Chase and now 2 car lengths behind the leader. I managed to maintain my spot for a few laps by keeping consistent. Every once in a while, Kelley would break in with quiet encouragement or a warning about the field ahead. On the back straight Chase had gained a position but quickly lost it in the next lap. Chase and I both managed to stay in the midfield, volleying back to one another. He was getting impatient, though, starting to weave and cross the track looking for a hole. In the tenth lap, coming out of turn 11 Juan Marcos and Jensen collided, leaving the track strewn with debris and the two men pointing fingers. That moment was the tipping point. The pressure was on.
Chase seized an opportunity of misfortune for Mario who had smoke pouring from his engine. Chase managed to pass him high before he was able to pit, putting Mario in his rearview. Mario reentered the race with a vigor and purpose that was clear. He weaved high and low to regain his position.
“He’s coming for you, Mack.” Kelley’s voice was cool and even.
“I see him,” I responded, watching him pass car after car, coming up fast on my tail. All I knew to do was to keep him behind me. How to do that, well, that was to be determined, and at this point, no one could help me without the team incurring a damaging fine. Nope, this was on me. I stayed in the middle of the track, riding just behind Chase.
“Don’t let him pass you, Mack,” Chase’s voice carried over and told me something I already knew. Mario swung to the left and I dropped down, he swung up and I pulled right. It was taking every ounce of strength I had to keep control and keep him behind me.
“Watch him, Mack!” Kelley’s booming voice cut into my concentration and I snapped back.
“Don’t shout at me! I see him!” Mario was on my right before I knew it, his nose clearing my back wheels. Fuck! I leaned to the right, careful not to touch him but trying to push him off as the field slowed for a tight turn. This was my chance to shake him off but as I leaned into the turn his left front tire locked with mine and I looked over to see him pointing at me and I was done. Something else took over because it definitely wasn’t my manners or my training but I pulled to the right so quick and hard that I knocked him off of my tire and almost lost control. I hung on by the tips of my fingers able to pull my nose back around and stay in the race but Mario was gone.
“Fuck! He’s out!” Chase shouted. “You showed him, Mack!” I had cast him off and he lost control driving into the barrier, taking him out for the remainder of the race. The black and white flag went up in warning of unsporting behavior. I felt an odd kind of heat crawl up my neck, pride and shame and nerves all wrapped together. This is not how I wanted to show myself, but he had left me no choice.
“Let it go, kid,” Kelley said into the radio reading my thoughts from across the track. “No points lost. Now let’s finish strong. 2 laps to go!” Red Bull had moved into the lead and pretty much had it locked up for the remainder of the race. Ferrari was a nuisance but never could seem to find his break. As we roared over the finish line of our first professional race, Chase had come in 7th, bringing 6 points to our tally. I rolled in at number 10, bringing one point. But I didn’t care about the points. I didn’t care about placing, I didn’t care about Mario, all I cared about, and all I could think about as we rolled into the pits to the fanfare of our amazing pit crew was I fucking did it! I took that curve; I didn’t let it hold me back. I had conquered the fear. I had mastered the curve.
The celebration in our garage was for more important to all of us than what was happening at the podium. The pit crew were popping champagne and spraying it everywhere. Friends, family and grid girls were everywhere. It was madness, and I searched for Kelley as I pulled in. He was right there to pull me from the car. He didn’t let anyone else get their hands on me before he wrapped me up in a bear hug that was so tight I could barely breathe.
“You did it, kid. I always knew you could.” He took my face between his hands and kissed me like it was the only answer. The garage erupted and we were quickly surrounded. Aidan saved us by pulling the team into his office and away from the celebration.
“That’s one way to attract investors.” He said with a wide smile, pulling me to him as I walked into his office behind Kelley. “I loved watching him go into the wall. It may be the most satisfying moment I have had in Spain,” he paused and let me go. “I could not be more proud of what the two of you have done today, both for Cooper and for your own careers. We have a lot to work on but we have a lot to be proud of and I for one look forward to next week and Chase and Kelley sharing the track. I do believe that Cooper will always be good for a show and that is just what we will deliver.” A mixture of relief and unexplained disappointment slid through me at his words. I knew this race was a one-off for me, I really wasn’t ready to carry a car, but I loved every minute out there and a part of me wanted it.
Chapter 30
The Driver
“When we get home I’m moving you in.” Kelley said nonchalantly as he sipped his second cup of coffee. I stopped packing and turned to him, sure I didn’t hear him right.
“Are you serious?” Was all I managed to say before he was in front of me, his hand at the small of my back pulling me in.
“You practically live with me as it is. I don’t see the problem.”
“Just like that?” I asked, breathless at the notion. I hadn’t even thought about it, I
was totally living in the moment with Kelley. Forethought as far as we were concerned was not part of my process. I was just along for the ride. I knew I didn’t want it to end but I wasn’t sure where Kelley’s head was. He had never mentioned that would ever be something he wanted, quite the opposite in fact. He was a commitment-phobe, yet I knew even as I thought it he had never been that way with me. Once he was in, he was all in. He twisted my hair around his fist and pulled my head back, demanding my attention, holding my eyes.
“Just like that? It’s not like we just met, Mack.” His voice slid down my spine and I trembled. “This has been a long time coming, wouldn’t you say? It’s right. We are right and when it’s right I just don’t see any reason to waste another moment. I am all in, baby. I want you with me, I want you in my house, I want you in my bed and in my life.”
“You have me.” It came out as a heated whisper, a tremble in my voice as his mouth slid along my shoulder.
“I want all of you, all the time.” He spoke against my skin, his lips soft, his breath warm.
“Ok,” he swallowed my response as our mouths met and everything else faded away.
***
We said goodbye to my mom at the airport, but not before she and Kelley had a few words. He refused to give me specifics, insisting what was discussed was between them. What he did say was that he forgave her and thanked her and she gave him her blessing, more even she gave him Daddy’s blessing and that, I think is what Kelley always wanted.
It didn’t take long for everything to get back to normal. The day after we got home, it feels so natural to say that, Kelley insisted we collect all of my things from Uncle Robert’s, not that there was much left there. He took me shopping in London so we could pick out some furnishings that I liked. I loved the way his little cottage looked and felt, I didn’t want to change a thing but he was insistent that I add myself into the mix. I picked a few pictures for the wall and a series of frames that I planned on filling with family photos, photos of my dad. I let him buy me a new tea set and I picked a new table for the kitchen.
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