by Bi Feiyu
She slept badly that night. As the night wore on, Broken Bridge was as quiet as a deep, bottomless well. The puffing of the mill generator seemed louder now. Unlike kerosene generators, the steam noises were not continuous, but were more like the beat of a hammer, with pauses between each pop. Up till now, Yuxiu had enjoyed that noise, since it sounded distant and not at all annoying; the muted pops were friendly and usually induced a deep, untroubled sleep.
But not on this night; instead, they pounded against her eardrums. Better, she thought, to tell Little Tang the truth. She couldn't keep it hidden all her life, could she? But a second later she cursed herself for such idiotic thoughts. Once the word was out, there would be no hope for her. Not only would this match become impossible, but she would have given people something to use against her forever. She mustn't let that happen. She had suffered enough over that in Wang Family Village and had learned her lesson. Besides, while a match may be what Aunty Little Tang had in mind, nothing definite had been said, so why jump the gun?
Yuxiu climbed out of bed in the morning feeling sluggish. She'd decided to stop going to the bookkeeping office. But on second thought, that was a bad idea. No, she'd keep going. Little Tang hadn't actually broached the subject, though she'd hinted at it, so if Yuxiu put on a bashful act, that would show that she knew what was going on. Wouldn't that be the same as a voluntary confession? No point in doing that. If she revealed what she knew, she'd be stuck with no exit strategy, and that would only make things more difficult. Feigning ignorance was still her best option. Given her current situation, how could she even think that this might work out? It was a mismatch from the very beginning. Where could you find anyone willing to eat sugarcane that someone else had already chewed on?
Yuxiu suddenly had a clear picture of exactly who she was. As a female, her value had dropped to virtually nothing. This brutal fact made her sadder than any self-inflicted humiliation ever could. For her, the future held only despair and misery with no tears to shed. At that point she cocked her head and said to herself, Don't give it any more thought.
So Yuxiu went back to the bookkeeping office, willing to gamble, to take a chance. No matter how she looked at it, an opportunity had presented itself, and she'd be crazy not to grab it. Before setting out for the office, she took pains to make herself up nicely, going so far as to secretly borrow a pair of Qiaoqiao's red hair ornaments and pin one above each ear. Feeling fetchingly pretty, she quietly went up to Aunty Little Tang, trying to act as if everything were perfectly normal, though Yuxiu was not without a sense that she might be overdoing it. It was an awkward moment.
Her smile came quickly and left just as quickly. She said very little before lowering her head and concentrating on the abacus—on which she made one mistake after another. When Little Tang noticed the ornaments in Yuxiu's hair, she understood that the girl had caught on, that she knew everything.
She's no fool, she said to herself. No need to beat a drum. Little Tang laughed derisively to herself. You foolish girl, what good does it do to make yourself up for me? Her plans for Little Wei appeared to be a foregone conclusion. That was not to say there was nothing to worry about—the girl's rural residence registration, for instance. No matter how you looked at it, marrying someone from the countryside was a step down. On the other hand, if Little Wei married the sister-in-law of Director Guo, that would form a welcome bond between Little Tang and the director. Nothing wrong with that. But then her thoughts took another turn: I'd actually belong to an older generation than Director Guo. That thought raised her spirits and brought on a case of nerves at the same time. So what now? How is this going to work out?
Not much happened over the next few days. Other than Yuxiu's progress in her study of the abacus, there were no substantial developments in the personal realm. But, eager to get things started with Little Wei and Yuxiu, Little Tang began looking for the right time and the right place. Once that was settled, she could remove herself from the picture.
Children have to make their own happiness. It is important for them to go public on their own. Boys and girls can't always play games of hide-and-seek. Strike while the iron is hot. That's the line in "The Internationale": "We will succeed if we strike while the iron is hot," which can only mean that all people advocate exactly that. So Little Tang invited Yuxiu back to the house, to which she reacted with a look of reluctance. Yuxiu knew what was coming and was not sure how to deal with it. But Little Tang took her by the hand and, without waiting for a response, set out for home. Given her experience in such things, Little Tang knew what she was doing. Since shyness is expected of a girl in such circumstances, a little arm-twisting is called for. The more you twist, the better your chance of getting her to go along. This time, instead of taking the long way around, Little Tang headed straight to the rice mill compound, half of which was taken up by red and green brick buildings that served as rice storehouses. As she gazed at the buildings with their red or green roof tiles, Yuxiu was impressed by the imposing size of the government mill.
"This is where Old Gao works," Little Tang said. Yuxiu knew that Old Gao was Gao Wei's father, Little Tang's husband.
"He isn't the head of his section," Little Tang commented as if she were talking to herself, "but his word carries as much weight as the best worker." Yuxiu tensed when she heard this. She knew Little Tang well enough to guess that she was hinting at something directly related to Yuxiu and her future. What she heard in the comment that Old Gao's word carried weight was that Little Tang's word carried more weight than his and that her fate was in Little Tang's hands.
There is something extraordinary about a government office, Yuxiu mused. Whoever works in one can make decisions that determine other people's futures.
Yuxiu's breathing quickened and her mind worked at warp speed, all because of her prospects there at the mill. With growing confusion, she walked into Little Tang's house. Gao Wei was waiting for them, just as Yuxiu had expected. That saved her from a case of nerves. He'd apparently been waiting for some time and seemed anxious, but he was trying to hold it in—the embarrassed look on his face bordered on anguish. Yuxiu, poised by comparison, was in control of her emotions. They sat in the living room, Gao Wei facing south, Yuxiu facing north. Little Tang, facing east, kept them company by engaging in meaningless small talk. The atmosphere was both casual and strangely tense. They sat like that for a short while before Little Tang stood up as if something had just occurred to her and said, "I was going to buy a watermelon, but it slipped my mind." Yuxiu quickly got to her feet, but Little Tang gently pushed her back down.
"You sit there. Just sit and talk," Little Tang said, picking up a nylon mesh bag on her way to the door. She'd barely stepped outside before she came back to shut the door behind her. Yuxiu turned her head, and their eyes met just as Little Tang smiled at Gao Wei, a special, proud smile unique to mothers who are happy for their sons. "You two have a nice chat, I'll be right back."
Yuxiu and Gao Wei were alone in the room; the steam generator supplied the only sound. The silence, which had arrived abruptly, had a special, almost threatening quality. It was immediately apparent that neither Yuxiu nor Gao Wei had been prepared for that silence as they looked in vain for a way to dispel it. They were both being sternly tested by the somber atmosphere—this showed especially in Gao Wei's face, although Yuxiu was not doing much better. Wanting to say something, she all but forgot where her mouth was. Fear began to register on the face of Gao Wei, who abruptly stood up. "I ... I," he stammered. That's all that emerged as his breath came in labored spurts. Poor Yuxiu didn't know what to do, and she was suddenly reminded of the heavy breathing around the haystack the night she was raped.
Gao Wei took a step, but it wasn't clear if he was going over to open the door or walk toward Yuxiu. Terror engulfed Yuxiu. She jumped to her feet, her palms jutting out in front, and she cried, "Don't come any closer! Stay where you are!" The suddenness shocked Gao Wei, who did not know what to do. His only thought was to flee. But Yu
xiu beat him to it. She bounded to the door, jerked it open, and ran for all she was worth. In her state of alarm, she missed the gate and was stopped by the wall. She pounded her fists on it. "Let me out of here!" she screamed.
Little Tang, who had not gone far, heard the scream and rushed back to see Yuxiu pounding on the wall.
Wondering what was going on, she took Yuxiu by the arm and led her to the gate, where the girl broke free and fled, leaving Gao Wei and his mother standing in the yard. Gao Wei stared blankly at his mother for a long moment before he could speak. "I didn't do anything," he pleaded in his defense, looking deeply ashamed. "I didn't touch her."
Little Tang dragged him into the house and surveyed the living room carefully. There was no sign of anything amiss. She was sure that her almost pathologically shy son would never have laid a finger on the girl. She'd have been happy if he were bold enough to do something like that. So what went wrong?
She sat down, crossed her legs, and tossed her nylon bag onto the table. "Forget about her," she said. "I knew all along that she was the hysterical type. What nerve! A girl from the countryside trying to pass herself off as something special in my house!"
Yuxiu hated herself.
How could I have done something like that? Everything was going fine until I ruined it. Now I won't even be able to master the abacus.
She was crestfallen.
Aunty Little Tang had been so good to her, but after botching things so badly, Yuxiu wouldn't be able to face her again, let alone talk to her. She shuddered at the thought of seeing Aunty Little Tang. Imagine her surprise when Yuxiu ran into her the next day in the market. If she hadn't known better she'd have thought that Aunty Little Tang had planned the encounter. It was too pat to be a coincidence. All Yuxiu wanted was to get away, but it was too late. Little Tang stopped her. Thinking she wanted to talk about what had happened the day before, Yuxiu decided to say something to avoid the subject, but Little Tang was the first to speak. "Yuxiu," she said with a ready smile, "what are you fixing for lunch?" Before Yuxiu had a chance to reply, Little Tang pulled her basket over to look inside. It was empty. "On a hot day like today, the leeks will be tough. You don't want any of those for Director Guo. His teeth are bad."
Yuxiu conjured up an image of her brother-in-law brushing his teeth in the morning, and how he first took something out of his mouth. Probably false teeth. "Ah," Yuxiu murmured as she nodded and smiled.
Little Tang acted as if there'd been no incident the day before—as if it had never happened. Apparently, she was not going to talk about yesterday—not now, not ever. This was good news to Yuxiu, although she could tell that Little Tang's speech was a bit crisper than usual and her smile broader. Even the crow's-feet by her eyes stood out more than usual. Yuxiu knew that the smile was intended to inform her that their friendship had run its course. It was over.
All Yuxiu could do was smile, no matter how much effort it took and how much it pained her. Then she said good-bye to Little Tang and stood in front of the leek-seller's stand in a daze. And as she stood there with all of the confusion of the marketplace around her, she heard the steam generator. It sounded far, far away and sort of unreal. A hard-to-describe sadness and feeling of regret washed over her. As she forced back the tears, she wondered what had come over her the day before. What got into me? What was I thinking? I must have been out of my mind! I ruined the best chance I'll ever have. And I didn't even learn how to use an abacus.
Forgetting about leeks, she absentmindedly followed a small street to the town's vast, mist-covered lake at the far southern end. Just as well, Yuxiu thought. A clean break. He wasn't mine to begin with, so no harm done. Even if I'd become Gao Wei's wife, there'd be trouble if they ever found out what had happened to me. She told herself it was a lost cause and vowed to forget about it. But she couldn't figure out why her acceptance of that fact made her feel even worse. Was there anything in this world that could restore Yuxiu's maidenhood? She'd gladly trade her right arm for it—even one of her eyes.
***
Now was not the time for Yumi to tell Guo Jiaxing that she was pregnant because an atmosphere of hostility existed in the house. Guo Qiaoqiao and her father had heated arguments every day, and neither one would give in. Guo wanted to send his daughter to work in the countryside after her sophomore year in high school. That would not only make him look good, but it would also solidify his status in the commune hierarchy. A year or two of fieldwork would lay a good foundation and establish Qiaoqiao's credentials for whatever she did in the future.
It is important for the young to have wide-ranging goals. Guo tried to pound this concept into his daughter's head with fatherly concern, citing his son's experience as a case in point. Guo Zuo had gone down to the countryside to work alongside the peasants as one of Mao's "educated youths" and had gained entrance into the Party. When the call went out for factory workers, he was hired at a government-run factory in a big city.
But Qiaoqiao would have none of it. A few days earlier she'd fallen under the spell of an attractive, well-dressed woman in a movie about textile workers and was dead set on getting a job as a spinning machine operator at the Anfeng Commune textile mill. But how could Guo let his daughter take a job in a small textile mill run by the collective? She could wind up with a case of arthritis if she wasn't careful. But he had another objection, one better left unspoken, and that was the fact that Anfeng Commune was located outside the town of Broken Bridge and thus beyond his influence, which could make things difficult in the future. Yumi guessed that this was his real concern, but she kept that to herself. Where Qiaoqiao was concerned, the less she was involved the better.
Guo Jiaxing sat in his rattan chair in the living room; Qiaoqiao stood in the doorway of her bedroom. Neither spoke. The silence lay heavily in the room for a long time before Guo Jiaxing lit a Flying Horse cigarette and said, "You need to join a rural production brigade. Can't you get that through your thick skull?"
"No!" she said as she leaned against the door frame, pouting. "Let's say I do what you want. What if you lose your grip on power? Who'll take care of me then? I don't want to spend the rest of my life on a farm."
Yumi's heart skipped a beat. The girl might seem dull-witted, but she was smart enough to worry about her long-term prospects. That was the last thing Guo expected to hear from his daughter.
What kind of talk was that! Guo pounded the table in anger, startling Yumi. Qiaoqiao is a foolish girl after all, Yumi thought. One doesn't use words like "what if" and "lose power" when talking to an official. How could she not have known that? Yumi heard her husband push his chair away and tap his finger on the tabletop.
Once he got his anger under control, he said in a loud voice, "The red flag will never be taken down." With the mention of the red flag, the situation turned so grim that Yumi grew fearful. She'd never heard her husband use that tone of voice before; he wasn't merely angry, he was furious.
Silence returned to the living room for a long moment. Then Qiaoqiao slammed the double door of her bedroom— bang, bang. That was followed by her shouting from inside: "Now I see. After Mama died you got yourself a concubine and joined the ranks of the feudalists, capitalists, and revisionists. Now you want to send me to the countryside so you can please your concubine!"
Yumi heard every word and all she could think was This girl is outrageous. Now she's dragged me into the middle of this.
Guo's face was dark with anger. With his hands on his hips, he stormed outside, where he spotted Yuxiu, who was quietly observing him from the kitchen. He pointed at her through the window.
"I forbid you from backing her up anymore!" he ordered. "Who does she think she is, the mistress of a feudal household involved in class exploitation?"
Yuxiu tucked her head into her shoulders at the warning just as the skipper of the commune speedboat opened the front gate. When he saw the anger on Director Guo's face, he stood there and waited.
Suddenly Qiaoqiao burst out of her room and ran toward the
skipper. "Come. Take me to my grandmother's house."
He stayed put.
Guo Jiaxing turned to his daughter. "You haven't taken your final exams," he shouted, as if this had just dawned on him. His tone softened a bit. Qiaoqiao ignored him. She walked out the gate, dragging the skipper by the arm; he kept looking back nervously until Guo Jiaxing dismissed him with a weak wave of his hand.
With Qiaoqiao and the skipper gone, an air of calm settled over the yard, abrupt and unexpected. Guo stood there, smoking furiously. Yumi slipped quietly out the door and stood beside him. Obviously heavy-hearted, he sighed deeply. "I've always stressed the importance of ideology," he said to her. "And now, you see, we've got a problem."
Yumi answered his sigh with one of her own. "She's just a child," she said to comfort him.
"A child?" He was nearly shouting, still in the grip of anger. "At her age I'd already joined the new democratic revolution."
As Yuxiu watched the scene through her window, she could tell that Yumi was ecstatic regardless of how she tried to pretend otherwise. She did a good job of covering it up. My sister is like water, always finding a way to flow downward. She manages to fit in perfectly without leaving the slightest gap, Yuxiu said to herself, admiring her sister for a talent that she herself did not possess.
Yumi looked at Guo and kept her eyes on him as they filled with glistening tears. Then she took his hand and laid it on her belly. "I hope we never make you angry like that," she said.
Orientation is important at all times and allows for no mistakes—ever.
Take flattery, for instance. Ever since coming to Broken Bridge, Yuxiu had taken pains to wholeheartedly "serve the people" in the person of Guo Qiaoqiao. Now it looked as if she'd bet on the wrong number and had lost more than she'd gained—this was something that she felt with great intensity. Since Yumi was pregnant, her status in the family was assured, probably even enhanced. From now on, she'd be the one for Yuxiu to look to, it seemed. Even if Qiaoqiao grew increasingly imperious, she would not stay home forever, and Yuxiu berated herself for not thinking far enough ahead. Fawning on someone is hard work; just being shameless isn't enough. Strategy and tactics are the essence of fawning. And tactics are tied up with orientation. Yuxiu had lost her way, but that wouldn't last. Qiaoqiao's departure left only one path open. Yuxiu had set herself adrift, and now she had to find her way back to the shore. It was time to get on Yumi's good side.