I creep to the front door and peek out. The coast is clear. Good! Good, good, good. I am halfway across the yard, thinking Ned has left, when suddenly he comes out of the barn. Ben follows him. I quickly nip around the side of the barn and go in the back way. But they are coming back in. I hear their voices. I am standing by the hayloft ladder so I scamper up. I can wait in the loft until Ned finally takes off and then join Ben at the ring.
“We’re going to have to sell the tack too,” Ned is saying to Ben.
“Uh-huh,” says Ben. Even the sound of his grunts is thrilling. I shiver. There is a space between floorboards and I can see them talking by the door.
“And Ben …” There’s a pause. Ned is kicking some loose hay around.
Just go. Go already. Go, go, go!
“Why don’t you give poor Jane a break and take her riding?”
Ben looks at Ned blankly as if he hasn’t heard him.
“Oh, come on,” wheedles Ned. “Anyone can see she’s got a huge crush on you. Just give her a riding lesson.”
Ben winces.
Revelation
How I get into the house after that is a blur. I stumble and knock over some hay bales and Ben runs up the ladder to investigate, sees me and looks blank. I go down the ladder and pass Ned, who says something indistinct, like “Aw, Bibles …” and something else I don’t hear. I go into the house. I don’t even remember passing Maya and I close myself off in my room. I lie on my bed with a roaring river in my head. All I can hear are the rushing waters but behind it I am stung with betrayal. Nothing I believed was true. The universe aligned nothing. Ned betrayed me. So insultingly. So patronizingly. So thoroughly. Ben thinks of me, all right, but not as I believed. He thinks of me as someone who makes him wince. All this passes in and out of my thoughts and then it is back to the nothingness of the roaring river.
Days pass.
My mother knows something is up. The tip-off is that every time Ned walks into a room, I walk out. Oh, why kid myself? Ned has told her. They tell each other everything. My mother gives me hugs absentmindedly every time I pass. It is the best she can do to show support without humiliating me further by letting me know she knows. Now, counting Ben, there are three people beside me who know my utter and complete humiliation. I am disgusting. So much so that the mere mention of me silences Ben. He cannot even address such a hideous notion. My feelings are so obvious that even Ned knows. He pities me. I am so inept that I need Ned to step in and beg Ben for favors. Ben probably already knew about my feelings. That is why he avoided me. I am loathsome and ugly and beneath his notice. And now he probably thinks I put Ned up to it.
I don’t know what to do with my time that will keep me away from everyone. I could make candy with Maya but she is no longer interested. She didn’t even finish making the marshmallows but, as I later found out, left a big half-finished mess in the kitchen, which my mother cleaned up when she came home.
“Come on, Maya, let’s at least make nougat,” I say enticingly, trying to reinterest her. “Look at the picture, all those colorful little bits of stuff stuck in the white candy. How, oh how, does one get the bits in there? Let us find out!”
“Why won’t you let Ned have candy anymore?” she asks.
“Because he doesn’t deserve it,” I say.
“Why?” she persists.
“Because he’s the devil’s spawn.”
After that Maya avoids Ned too. She has never been terribly chummy with him, regarding him with a certain amount of cool speculative detachment. He is a little too frivolous for her taste, I think. But now with the idea that he is the devil’s spawn, she is keeping her distance. I feel vaguely guilty about giving her something else to feel frightened about. She sleeps in my room about two nights out of three as it is.
Then one night at dinner as Nelda quietly eats her sacred-apparition scalloped potatoes, Ned announces that he is thinking about going to Alaska.
“Ha!” says Dorothy. “Now, there’s a surprise.”
My mother has put down her fork and is looking at him with interest. Ned looks at her and his eyes drop guiltily.
“Listen, it’s just so fascinating to me. The whole thing with John.”
“So you thought you’d go when, Ned?” asks my mother.
“I don’t know,” said Ned. “Maybe when we get Dorothy settled.”
“Before we drive back to Massachusetts?” asks my mother. Nobody looking at her would guess that this hasn’t been their well-considered plan all along. She is eating her dinner as if they are discussing him going to get ice cream after dinner.
Dorothy has come down to dinner for the first time. She can’t do stairs yet but she can shuffle a bit forward on her walker and Candace and Ned made a chair with their arms and carried her downstairs. She said it was a harrying ride and she did not plan to do that again. She seems quiet at dinner. As if she is saddened somehow by having all these grown offspring around the table. She sits next to Maya and they speak to each other in short, quiet half-sentences, as if during the few weeks we have been here they have developed their own code. Dorothy has been teaching her Abenglabish and sometimes they speak that instead.
“So you’re going to go see Dad? Whew!” says Maureen. “Maybe we’ll end up having a big family reunion someday after all. Wouldn’t that be a kick?”
“Yeah,” says Ned. “First I get to see my mother and sisters and now Dad and John. And I gotta find out the answers to some questions. Listen, it’s all just so fascinating to me. I’ve been up night after night mulling it over. Why did John leave the money with the Carriers? This is what I’ve figured out. He must have been on his way to see Dad in Alaska when he discovered he was being followed. He’s in B.C. when he suspects someone is hot on the trail of the money. And then he remembers that I’d stayed with the Carriers and so he scouts around, finds out where they live and leaves the money with them. Purportedly for me but really just a safe place to ditch it until he can come back for it.”
My mother, who has been eating dinner and listening with interest, puts down her fork and nods. “Yes,” she says. “It’s the only explanation we have so far that makes sense. But of course you won’t know for sure unless you talk to him.”
“Exactly!” says Ned. “And then, of course, I’d want to return the money to him anyway. And, Mom, you don’t want it around here when we leave.”
“What money?” asks Candace, suddenly getting her business face again. It is more pronouncedly wrinkly than her regular face. “What’s all this talk of money?”
“John left a bag of money,” begins my mother, and stops. It’s really a hard thing to explain.
“He what?” says Candace.
“A bag of money?” says Maureen.
“For who?” asks Candace.
Nelda is still working on the Virgin. Maybe she is too devout to take any interest in bags of money.
“It’s a long story. The thing is to return it,” says Ned. “I mean, we’re not saying it’s hot or anything, but who knows where it came from? Best thing is to get it back to him.”
“Can’t they tell if it’s hot by feeling it?” asks Max.
“He means stolen,” I say to Max.
“You and Ned are outlaws,” says Max.
“No, we’re not,” I say.
“Outlaws!” says Hershel, and he and Max bounce in their chairs and pretend to shoot pistols around the table, saying “Bang bang bang!”
“Oh, shut up,” I say. My mother looks at me but I am all the way down at the other end of the table.
“You’re just going to go to Alaska and start looking for him?” asks Candace as if she cannot believe her ears. “You could be gone for years.”
“I don’t think it would take so long. There aren’t that many people in Alaska….” Ned is very interested in his pork roast suddenly.
“There aren’t that many people in Alaska?” Candace echoes.
“Well, after we have Mother moved into the facility, of course.”
> “After you have Mother moved WHERE?” shrieks Dorothy, suddenly coming fully awake and alive.
“NED!” says Maureen.
“Oh honestly, Ned,” says Candace, throwing her napkin down on the table. “Nelda was going to break it to her tactfully.”
“Tactfully my eye. Now, just what do the four of you have cooked up?” asks Dorothy.
I notice she leaves my mother out of this. I am glad. My mother was never too thrilled about the whole plan from the beginning.
“Mom, we wanted to wait until we found a place …,” begins Maureen.
“Someplace nice,” says Nelda in her squeaky little soft voice.
“Someplace nice? Now wait a cotton-pickin’ minute,” says Dorothy. “I may have lost the use of my hip but not my mind. I can find my own nice places, thank you very much.”
“HOW?” asks Candace. “How can you find your own nice place? You can’t ever walk properly again.”
“How do you plan to go? Do you fly and we drive back or do you drive and we fly back to Massachusetts?” asks my mother as if she hasn’t heard anything else going on at the table. It is the one and only sign that Ned’s news about Alaska has distressed her because it is so unlike her to tune out others.
“I can never walk again?” asks Dorothy, but this time as if she can barely breathe.
“Well, I’d have to use some of the money from the bag, of course, as expenses, but I guess I would fly, yes …,” says Ned.
“Candace!” says Nelda in a loud whispery voice.
“Oh honestly,” says Maureen. “Mom, this is coming out all wrong. The doctor wanted us to tell you. He seems like a nice man and he thought we could do it better….” She stops as it occurs to everyone how wrong he was. “But yeah, you damaged some vertebrae and at your age …”
“So this is it, this is as good as it’s going to get?” asks Dorothy.
“Which is why you’re going to need help. You know, they have very nice places with a staff who can help you.”
“Great balls of fire!” says Dorothy.
“Now, there’s no need to react like that. You have no idea what we’ve been through trying to find you a nice place before we went home,” says Candace, bending her napkin into neat little folds. “And luckily today we finally found one by Ely that will take you, and when we sell the ranch you’ll have enough money to pay for it for some time.”
Dorothy looks too stunned to speak.
Maya hasn’t been following the conversation among the sisters and Dorothy. She has had her ears glued to my mother and Ned and now she leans over and whispers to Dorothy but in tones loud enough for us all to hear, particularly as her whisper echoes in the great stunned silence. “You were right. About you know who …” She points at Ned behind her napkin but of course we all see this too.
“What have you been telling her?” Ned barks at Dorothy in outraged tones.
“Just the truth. I thought she should know. Now, you’re a very nice boy, Neddie, but you’re not reliable. I didn’t want her getting too attached.”
“Too ATTACHED!” says Ned.
“Dorothy, honestly,” says my mother. “Ned is very reliable.”
“He’s going to Alaska!” says Dorothy.
“Well, yes, … there is that,” says my mother musingly.
“Too ATTACHED?” Ned is almost standing in indignation. He throws his napkin on the floor.
“Jane thinks he’s the devil’s spawn,” whispers Maya confidingly to Dorothy, but unfortunately we all hear this too.
My mother looks over at me wild-eyed. I know she counts on me to support her but, honestly, she knows what he did to me. I roll my eyes and start looking for my own scalloped-potato Virgin Mary.
“Anyhow, Mother, you can’t stay on here alone and we can’t stay and take care of you,” says Maureen. “So obviously some kind of living situation had to be found.”
“Well, I never!” Dorothy sputters. “What were you planning to do … just up and move me one day without warning?”
“That’s just what you did,” says Nelda quietly without looking up. “That’s just what you did with us. You moved us all to Fort McMurray, where nobody wanted to go. You just moved us without warning.”
“Oh, that’s what this is all about. For heaven’s sakes,” says Dorothy. “That was all years ago. So this is just revenge.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” says Maureen, but it suddenly occurs to me that maybe this is what this is all about. And from the look on Maureen’s face, this is occurring to her too.
“That’s not what this is about,” says Candace. “This is purely practical. We’re just looking for a place for you, is all. We’re trying to help you here.”
“Well, thanks for telling me because I never would have guessed that throwing me out of my own home was particularly helpful. Ned, take me upstairs. I want to go back to bed.”
But Ned is turning to me instead. “Jane, I’m sorry. I don’t know how many ways to say it. It just slipped out. I didn’t know you’d take it so hard. I mean, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, having a crush on a boy.”
Thank you very much, Ned. Now there are eight people who know. That was so helpful.
“Ned,” says my mother. “Let’s not talk about that here.”
“Who does Jane have a crush on?” asks Maya.
“Is Jane going to crush someone?” asks Max.
“Who is Jane going to crush?” asks Hershel.
“NOBODY!” I yell.
The aunts are studiously looking elsewhere. Oh great! Everyone already knew!
“Nobody tells me anything,” says Maya in aggrieved tones.
“Can we have dessert?” asks Max.
“Yes, come, boys, let’s go into the kitchen and I’ll get you dessert,” says my mother.
“Take me to bed,” says Dorothy. “I’ll admit I may have to move somewhere where someone will assist me now that I know I’ll never be able to walk properly again but I don’t have to put up with you all planning it behind my back like I’m senile. Honest to God. Sometimes I wish I’d had gerbils instead when the mothering instinct came over me.”
“What mothering instinct?” Maureen whispers to Nelda, but we all overhear that too. When are people going to learn that you can hear almost any whisper at the dinner table? Even though Dorothy is halfway out the door, being carried by Candace and Ned, I think she hears too because her body becomes rigid.
My mother comes into the dining room. “Pie, anyone?”
We all shake our heads. We are either angry or in the depths of inconsolable despair.
“It’s pecan …,” says my mother.
“Well, maybe just a slice,” says Maureen.
“Yes, a sliver,” whispers Nelda.
“A crumb,” says Candace.
“Oh well, if it’s pecan …,” I say, and sullenly let her bring it to me.
Bye-bye
The next day Ned announces that he and his sisters are going to take Dorothy to see the home in Ely that has space for her.
“We’ll make a day of it,” says Maureen to Dorothy, who has been gotten dressed and is sitting stonily at the breakfast table clutching her patent leather pocketbook as if she might swipe anyone who came near.
“We can stop in Ely for lunch,” says Candace.
“If you think that’s supposed to be an inducement then you’ve obviously never eaten out in Ely,” says Dorothy.
Ned comes downstairs and he and Dorothy and the sisters take off.
I wash the breakfast dishes. It is soothing work.
Maya is curled up in Dorothy’s bed watching television. She has gone back to putting her knuckles by her mouth. I think the amount of discord in the house is upsetting her. I am loafing about the study dipping into Dorothy’s dusty old books when my mother comes in.
“So, want to go riding, just you and me?” she asks.
“I don’t know how,” I say.
“I do,” she says. “And with a nice gentle trail horse, you don
’t need to know. Your horse can just follow mine.”
“I didn’t know you could ride,” I say.
“Yes. A little,” says my mother. “And Dorothy told me she has a very gentle old mare that used to do trail rides and that if you’re on her, you should have no trouble. I’ve asked Ben to keep an eye on the boys and I’ve told Maya that Ben is just in the barn with them if she needs anything. I’ve already got the horses saddled up and tied by the gate so we can just take off.”
Without having to pass by Ben, I suppose she means. This all begins to sound very suspicious to me. She is probably trying to get me alone so she can tell me that I have to forgive Ned and then she will try to plead his case. It annoys me. It’s not like my mother to be such a buttinski. She ought to be as mad at him as I am. We should form an anti-Ned club. I think I may point this out to her. Maybe she is just waiting for someone to give her license to be mad at him.
I get on the horse and at first the novelty of this wipes out all thought.
We ride slowly out over the grasslands. The sky is light washed blue with clouds painted in patches. The grass pokes from the earth so that there is almost an equal amount of both and you can see mountains in the background. The air is thin and dry and coated with a fine haze of dirt so that you have it not just under your feet but filtering into your lungs in a way that is pleasant. The way the earthy smell of the manure pile is pleasant.
This country is twice as beautiful on horseback. For the first time I feel like I am part of the landscape. It is what I always feel on our beach in Massachusetts. That I am an integral part of it. I wonder if everyone finds home like that or if some people, like Ned, never do. And so they’re not even looking for it, they just keep moving.
Out of habit, the thought that I am finally on horseback like an outlaw crosses my mind but I quickly correct it. No more being outlaws with Ned. Well, we never were, I think he just wanted to get away from things. I wanted adventures to get to things. This is the difference I could never put my finger on.
We ride side by side and don’t talk at all. The gentle rocking of the horse is soothing and my mother looks awake and alive and happy in a way I realize I haven’t seen her for a long time.
Northward to the Moon Page 10