F*ckload of Shorts

  "And?"

  "Nothin. After a while, like the next day, it'd go back to normal."

  "You didn't tell your parents or nothin?"

  "Shit, no. Learned my lesson with all that. One time I was looking at my asshole in the mirror-"

  "Don't tell me that."

  "When?"

  "Yesterday."

  "No, was like ten years old. Everything was about your asshole then, remember?"

  "No."

  "No."

  "Liars. Anyway, was looking at it and looked a little y'know? Lumpy."

  "Lumpy?"

  "Y'know, normal. Anyway, I thought I had a hemorrhoid. I'd just heard about hemorrhoids, right? And I thought, oh shit it's a roid and I go running downstairs, crying and tell my parents I think I've got a hemorrhoid."

  "No."

  "Yeah. No. Bad news. Yeah, got a year's worth of sideways glances from that, so no I didn't tell my mom I had a fuckin' huge swollen arrowhead cock."

  "Maybe you should have."

  "Shut up."

  "Just sayin maybe you wouldn't had to start violating produce."

  "Still say, you don't know what you missed."

  "Yeah, sounded crazy to me at first, too, but hey kudos for peer pressure."

  "Wait, peer pressure?"

  "Yeah, not like it was my idea."

  "You telling me it was what? A watermelon gang bang?"

  "..."

  "You're not-"

  "I guess you could draw some parallels."

  "I am so through with your ass."

  "Yeah I don't know."

  "You too?"

  "Yeah, well it was my idea. I never did that shit with nobody."

  "Me either. Not like we all held hands and wiped each other off or nothing."

  "So, you're just hanging out with your buddies in this totally hetero kinda way and somebody says, I know a melon who goes all the way?"

  "No, it was a party."

  "No chicks?"

  "Actually there were a lot of girls there."

  "Nigga wha?"

  "Yeah was sort of a macho thing. One guy picks up this uh cantaloupe and starts drawing on it with a marker. Makes a face with like colored eyes and everything and big, y'know sexy lips? Anyway, he's a bit annoying, going around the room trying to get in to conversations with the melon and other people like a ventriloquist or some shit?"

  "Drunk?"

  "I don't even think so. Drama guy or whatever. Anyway, starting to piss people off, which of course means he's gotta step it up, really get in people's faces, 'cause that's the way they're wired. So this one guy, big football guy or something, grabs it and kisses it and pushes it into his crotch and starts moaning. Everybody laughs, then he tosses it to his buddy across the room, who takes out a knife and cuts out a hole where the mouth is and this guy-"

  "No!"

  "-stands up and drops his pants-"

  "Oh my god."

  "-and actually sticks his dick in there and like pumps away, tosses it to another guy and everybody, especially the girls, y'know? They're cheering like he's a sex god or at least-"

  "So the next guy?"

  "Yeah, of course. I mean, I don't know about you, but I was so desperate to make an impression on girls back then and here they were, a room full of 'em fucking cheering for guys to whip it out and fuck the melon."

  "Damn."

  "You climax?"

  "Hell no, I was so nervous, I could barely get hard enough to get it in there, but it was such a rush, y'know everybody watching and once it was in was like, well damn that's not bad."

  "So you became like, what a serial rapist of vegetables?"

  "Tried it all."

  "Yeah I didn't stop at one type of fruit either. My mom thought I was some kinda health nut one summer. Was always going to the store and coming home with y'know healthy shit voluntarily."

  "Yeah, my parents were not about to look too closely, either. Before that all I wanted to eat was like McNuggets and shit."

  "Yeah, and I didn't start with fruit you know? Saw this porno once with my friend and there's this bitch gettin' turned inside fucking out doing lez stuff and my friend he looks at me and says, just offhand, like how it kinda looks like a twinkie getting split open."

  "What?"

  "Were you high?"

  "No, I know it didn't make much sense, but kinda stuck with me and one day I'm all alone and there was always shit like that in the house-"

  "Parents didn't love your ass, huh?"

  "What can I say, there was always sugary cereal too."

  "Motherfucker, you know what I had to chew every miserable shitty morning? Shredded Wheat. No sugar, no honey or some Sweet'n'Low suburban white folk shit. Shredded fucking Wheat or sometimes Grape Nuts."

  "Granola."

  "Your ass's got nothing to complain about granola. Some tasty hippy shit, man."

  "Not the serious shit. It's just like nuts and rocks and corn stalks, little dirt sprinkled on if you're lucky."

  "Anyway, took out a knife and opened a Twinkie, just laid my dick in the creamy center."

  "Shit how tiny is your dick?"

  "I was a little kid. Anyway, I was just starting. Next time I used two. Made like a sandwich out of it... Never looked back. Took a while to find fruit, but you know what innovation I'm most proud of?"

  "Real pussy?"

  "Microwave."

  "Yes! Shit yes!"

  "Popped it in the microwave first and got that warm feeling."

  "Seriously degenerate shit."

  "Was dangerous though."

  "No doubt. Sometimes I'd blow shit up before I could fuck it."

  "No it was worse."

  "Like how?"

  "Well I was fucking every kind of food I could think of and one Thanksgiving it hits me, duh, mashed potatoes."

  "Hell yeah."

  "Except there's no uh grip y'know?"

  "Not like a twinkie."

  "Exactly."

  "Except Twinkies didn't work that well. Fell apart pretty quick."

  "But just putting it in a bowl once with like melting butter. Had to find a way. Thought about it for a while then was like dude - baked potato. So, popped one in the microwave for a couple minutes-"

  "Think I know where this is-"

  "Had to get like an oven mitt-"

  "Idiot."

  "Yeah. Really burned the shit outta my dick."

  "No."

  "How bad?"

  "Blistered."

  "Oh!"

  "Peeling."

  "Ssss!"

  "Let me guess, didn't tell your parents?"

  "No, put some Vaseline on it, but-"

  "That's like a heat conductor-"

  "Yeah, had to wash it off immediately in cold water but I found some Preparation H."

  "Scar?"

  "No, still got a pretty ass dick."

  "What a relief."

  "No doubt."

  "Mine's ugly as fuck."

  Nolte

  "So, the show-"

  "The show?"

  "Yeah, the show, right? It's got uh...Nolte-"

  "Nick Nolte?"

  "There are others? Yeah Nick Nolte and uh um the other uh"

  "Sam Elliot?"

  "Shut up"

  "The cowboy guy, right?"

  "Shut up. No. No Sam Elliot"

  "'Cause he's great, you ever see Hi Lo Country? No mustache- OW!"

  "I said shut up. No. No Sam Elliot, no Kiefer Sutherland. It's not a showcase of whiskey and cigarette voices. Listen. Sorry about that, but you sometimes... Just listen."

  "Yeah, okay"

  "The show, then... It's got uh"

  "Nolte"

  "Motherfucker do not interrupt me again. I'm losing my- Yes, Nolte and what's his, uh the Spanish guy from uh-"

  "Rueben Blades"

  "No"

  "Antonio Banderas"

  "No, shut the fuck up"

  "John Legui-"

  "No, uh the the the the bull."

/>   "Gravano? He's not Span-"

  "Not that piece of shit! Benny. Benicio Del Toro?"

  "From the Bond movie?"

  "No!"

  "I'm confused."

  "From fuckin Usual Suspects an uh uh"

  "Swimming With Sharks"

  "Oh my god, shut the fuck up"

  "Wha-?"

  "Shut up shut up shut up. Shut the fuck- If you don't shut your fucking mouth and-... Ugh"

  "Why are you so- OWWW! Cut that shit out. Totally uncalled for!"

  "I said it. I said shut the fuck up. Did I not say shut the fuck-"

  "Living Daylights"

  "-up? No. See? Shut the fuck up. You have no idea what"

  "No, you're right, uh View to a- No - Lisence to Kill"

  "-you're talking- Yeah, I know, but what I'm saying is-"

  "But he was in that one."

  "-you don't. When someone says uh uh Jack Nicholson say uh uh-"

  "Man Trouble"

  "-exactly. You don't say- no you say uh uh-"

  "Chinatown"

  "Yeah"

  "The Shining"

  "Exactly"

  "Batman"

  "Are you shitting me? Batman?"

  "What's the matter with Batman?"

  "It's just"

  "You don't like Batman?"

  "No, I just-"

  "You don't?"

  "No-"

  "Wait. You do or you do not like Batman?"

  "I like- What I'm trying to say is I say Benicio Del Toro and immediately you think 'from the Bond movie'?"

  "Excess Baggage"

  "Homo."

  "Queer."

  "So, the show, right? Nolte and Benicio and you know like maybe Brando"

  "Dead"

  "I know he's fucking dead, it's not a real show."

  "It's an idea."

  "Yes, an idea for a show."

  "Brando's dead."

  "I know he's fucking dead. It doesn't matter."

  "Missouri Breaks."

  "Asshole, let me- It would be kinda like The View"

  "With Rosie and shit?"

  "I just mean the format, not the feel, obviously."

  "'Cause I don't think Nolte would do-"

  "I know he wouldn't. It's an idea for a sketch show."

  "Comedy."

  "No serious fucking drama, retard. Yes, comedy. It's an idea for-"

  "The Upright Citizen's-"

  "-a sketch for a- Oh for fuck's sake can you just say SNL or Monty Python-"

  "-The State."

  "-or something that your average fucking- Fine, yes Kids-"

  "Say no more."

  "-In the- Thank you. It's an idea"

  "For like a sketch or the premise of a- OWWW! Don't!"

  "OWWW! Son of a-"

  "Why are you so violent? Seriously. What's wrong with you?"

  "Just don't interrupt me. I don't want to hurt you."

  "Then why'd you-"

  "Because you won't let me get a simple fucking thought across without-"

  "Sorry."

  "Thank you."

  "Go on."

  "Thank you. It's just an idea for a...

  "What?"

  "Now it's all blown out of proportion, it wont seem funny."

  "Sure it will."

  "No, now I've built it up and when you hear it you're gonna think 'Why the hell did he get so worked up over that?'"

  "No c'mon. Now I gotta know."

  "Fine, but it's not that funny."

  "Okay, just tell me."

  "Okay. It's just an idea for like a sketch on a, you know, sketch show that would be-"

  "Like a recurring sketch?"

  "Yeah maybe, but it would be like The View, you know a bunch of people sitting around talking about current events and shit."

  "Wait. This is the show or the sketch?"

  "The sketch."

  "So, what's the show called?"

  "Doesn't matter."

  "'Course it does."

  "I mean it doesn't matter what the name of the show is for the pur-"

  "I think the name of a show is integral to-"

  "-pose of appreciating the-"

  "-the experience of that particular type of enter-"

  "-idea of the sketch. Oh my god, shut- Integral?"

  "-tainment. Yeah, integral. What of it, bitch?"

  "Good usage."

  "Thanks."

  "Okay, so just pick your favorite sketch show and pretend, for the sake of all the souls in purgatory, that it's that one."

  "In Living Color."

  "Fine."

  "Brando was still alive."

  "Okay, yes"

  "But Benicio Del Toro wasn't known then but okay okay okay come back. Yeah yeah yeah, I'm listening, okay it's a sketch about a show like The View..."

  "Right. With like topics and shit."

  "But instead of Rosie and Starr-"

  "It's Nolte and Benicio, maybe Brando and like uh Bob Dylan and um Shane McGowan.""Who?"

  "Nevermind. Uh, Ozzy Osbourne."

  "Okay... I don't get it."

  "See? This is why I didn't..."

  "No, just explain it."

  "It's really not funny if it's gotta be explained."

  "I just want to have a clear idea of this. I'm sure I'll laugh. It sounds funny, I just want to-"

  "Okay. Nolte, Del Toro, Dylan, Ozzy? They're sitting around talking about uh uh uh current events or celebrity gossip or some shit and-"

  "Nobody can understand-"

  "Exactly."

  "That's hilarious!"

  "You thinks so?"

  "Shit yeah, man. Nolte's all 'Aarrarragh rrarrarragh rarrarragh' and then Dylan says 'Neeyah nee nay weeer' or something."

  "Yeah, and I figure each week they could-"

  "So it would be a recurring sketch?"

  "Yeah, I guess so."

  "Cool."

  "Each week they could have another guest."

  "Like The View."

  "Exactly. And they could be like-"

  "Totally lost and not able to understand, looking around like 'I'm gonna totally murder my agent'."

  "Yeah, maybe, or think of this. Could be guests like uh uh"

  "Politicians?"

  "Maybe, but-"

  "The real guys, maybe-"

  "No. Shut up. Could be guests like uh maybe"

  "A Klingon."

  "Kling-?"

  "On. From Star Trek."

  "I know where they're-"

  "Speaking, you know Klingon."

  "Fine, yes have a Klingon on some time, but I"m thinking have on guests like Tom Waits or-"

  "Some rapper."

  "Huh?"

  "You can understand them?"

  "Nevermind. You get the idea."

  "David Lynch."

  "Stephen Hawking."

  "Holy shit, now that's funny."

  "Diane Rehm."

  "Now you're just getting cruel."

  "Funny though."

  About the Author

  Jedidiah Ayres' fiction has appeared in several books, magazines and online journals, he is the co-editor of the fiction anthologies Noir at the Bar and D*CKED. He is also the screenwriter of Mosquito Kingdom. He keeps the blog Hardboiled Wonderland.

  About Snubnose Press

  Snubnose Press is the ebook imprint of Spinetingler Magazine.

  The snubnose revolver dominated visual crime stories in the 20th century. Every cop, every detective, every criminal in every TV show and movie seemed to carry a snubnose. The snubnose is a classic still used today.

  The snubnose is easy to conceal and carry.

  The snubnose is powerful.

  The snubnose is compact.

  That’s how we like our fiction.

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  Speedloader

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  Blood on Blood by Frank Zafiro & Jim Wilsky

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