‘It’s okay, Pete. I’ve got this. You carry on painting.’
‘Are you sure?’ He touched Amelia’s arm and Zoe caught the look that passed between them, a look of two people who trusted each other and were intimate friends.
‘Yes, love. I’ll call if I need you.’
Pete shambled off, back up the stairs, whistling under his breath.
‘So, Zoe, are you in town for anything special or is this a social call?’ Amelia scanned her with her piercing eyes: one blue, the other brown. Her black hair was tied into a bun perched high on her head and her face was bare of any make-up.
‘I came back to see if you were here. I need to talk to you.’
Zoe’s stomach churned as if it would explode and release the butterflies battling for room into the shop. Her neck ached with tension and her mouth was dry, but she had to speak to Amelia, to try to figure out what had happened, how things had all gone so wrong.
‘I thought you said you never wanted to speak to me ever again.’ Amelia sniffed. ‘And I don’t blame you.’
‘I know. I did feel that way but I’ve had time to think, too. In fact, time is all I have had. You weren’t solely responsible for how things panned out and I want to speak to you about it.’
Amelia nodded but her eyes were still wary.
‘Would you like to grab a coffee? I promise I’m not here to upset you.’
‘It would be nice to escape the paint fumes for a bit. We bought that paint that’s supposed to be fume-free but I think my nose is just extra sensitive at the moment. Hold on. I’ll be back in a tick.’ Amelia turned and Zoe heard her climbing the stairs then the murmur of voices from above, before hearing the footsteps descend again.
‘Right, Pete said he’ll hold the fort. It hasn’t been busy today but you can guarantee that if I shut up shop for an hour, someone will suddenly want a snowglobe or a kite, and we need every sale we can get at the moment.’
Amelia came around the counter and Zoe had to swallow a gasp.
‘You’re…’
‘Pregnant? Yes, and I feel gigantic.’
‘Wow!’
‘Zoe, it’s not that surprising. I’m a thirty-three-year-old married woman. I always wanted a family and my parents are delighted to be grandparents again.’
‘Again?’
‘Oh… not me, no. My two brothers have both had kids, so Mum and Dad are living their dream with babies popping out all over the place.’
Zoe nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She realized she’d missed so much over the years; people she’d once known and been close to had lived their lives while she’d been gone. And so they should. But it still seemed strange to think of Amelia’s parents as grandparents, and of Amelia’s older brothers – with their constant teasing of Amelia and Zoe growing up – as old enough and mature enough to have families of their own. How did that happen?
Pete appeared in the shop again, wiping his hands on a cloth. ‘Darned paint.’ He shook his head. ‘Amelia’s managed to get it everywhere in the nursery except for on the walls.’
‘You!’ Amelia giggled, then she squeezed his hand. ‘I’ll be about an hour. Is that okay?’
‘Of course. Take your time, angel. I’ll be here.’
Zoe went through the door and into the brightness of the afternoon on legs that shook like jelly, but she was glad she’d come, if only to know that Amelia had moved on with her life and hadn’t remained trapped in some awful stasis of guilt and remorse.
Chapter 14
Zoe found them a table outside one of the harbour cafes and they sat down. She couldn’t stop looking at her old friend’s bump. Amelia had always talked about having children but Zoe had imagined that being years off in the future. But then, this was the future.
‘How far along are you?’ Zoe nodded at Amelia’s bump.
‘Just over six months. I can’t believe that in less than three months, I’ll be a mum.’
‘It’s wonderful. I’m really happy for you.’
‘Truly?’ Amelia met Zoe’s gaze and they sat that way for a few moments. ‘I didn’t know if you would be. I mean… why would you be?’
‘I didn’t know if you’d still be with… him.’ Zoe forced the last word out.
‘With Finn?’
Zoe nodded. ‘I thought you might have still been together.’
‘And how would that have made you feel?’
‘I honestly don’t know. A few years ago, I’d have… well, I did feel dreadful. Broken. Destroyed. I never thought I’d get over it, but I guess time moves on and feelings change.’
‘He did the same to me, you know?’ Amelia said it matter-of-factly, as if cheating was an everyday pastime for the man they’d both fallen for.
‘I didn’t know and I’m sorry.’
‘It only took him eight months. I did stay with him for a while, in hotels and rented apartments – when he was around, that is, and not travelling abroad or to London for TV appearances. But he was never around for long so, in between, I’d come back here. I suppose it was like I was on tap for him. Sorry not to have a more eloquent expression but that was how I ended up feeling. Then, after a particularly heavy night out, I woke in a hotel bathtub with a cracking headache and virtually no memory of the night before. I mean, this was only about four years ago. I was twenty-nine and suddenly everything hit me at once. There I was, living day to day, desperate for scraps of affection from a man who would probably only ever love himself. I’d sacrificed our friendship for him and for what? I knew he didn’t love me and never had done. To be honest, I think Finn is only capable of loving himself. You were his wife of eleven years and look at what he did to you. Why would he treat me any differently? So… I washed my face and brushed my teeth then headed into the bedroom to confront him.’
‘And…’
Amelia grimaced. ‘He was in bed with not one, but two women. I went crazy.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I wish I could say I chopped off his bits but I wasn’t quite that gutsy. Mind you, I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in now if I’d done that, and I don’t think I could have coped with prison. No… I simply decorated his favourite surfboard. It was out on the hotel balcony.’
‘You didn’t!’
‘It was the latest one he’d received from that brand that sponsors him. He loved it and kept telling me how much it would cost to buy and how he could have ten thousand of them free if he wanted them. So I decorated it with three bottles of nail varnish and a letter opener. No way he was getting those marks off.’
Zoe smiled, imagining how furious that would have made Finn. ‘If there was one thing that would be guaranteed to get to him, it would be the destruction of his board, man.’
‘Yep. Sadly, I didn’t hang around to see how gutted he was, because I just had to get out of there. I kind of wanted to maintain some dignity too. Speaking to him in front of his latest conquests wasn’t high on my list of priorities.’
A waitress arrived and took their orders. When they were alone again, Amelia leant forwards. ‘Zoe, I am so sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you and for doing what I did. It was unforgiveable to sleep with Finn. I regret it with all of my heart.’
‘It wasn’t only sleeping with him, though, was it?’
Zoe kept her hands clasped on her lap, pressing her nails into her palms. This was every bit as difficult as she’d imagined it would be and yet, she was still glad she’d come.
‘No. I was seeing him for a while. The deceit…’ Amelia looked up and her eyes were glistening. ‘We deceived you for months. But I thought… I believed him.’
‘He told you he loved you.’
‘He said it had always been me and I so wanted for that to be true.’
Zoe touched her head and caught Amelia watching her.
‘Does it still hurt?’
‘What?’
‘The scar.’
‘Not really. Sometimes it aches a bit and sometimes it itches, but it’s not painful
.’ Zoe swallowed, not wanting to talk about the nightmares in case they got worse. Besides, she’d come here to start letting go of those fears.
‘It was the catalyst, I suppose, wasn’t it?’ she asked.
‘The accident?’
‘Yes. After it, I changed. I know that.’
‘Well, that’s not surprising; you could have been killed.’
‘But up to that point, I was doing what Finn wanted. I was living his life with him, even if it wasn’t really the life I wanted.’
‘You were a good wife to him. You made so much effort to—’
‘—be what he wanted me to be. And then… after this.’ Zoe touched her head again. ‘I just couldn’t do it any more.’
‘Well, you can’t blame yourself for that and it makes me seem even worse. I took advantage of the situation.’
Zoe shrugged. ‘It would have been someone else if it wasn’t you. In fact, I suspect there were others, anyway.’
‘You’re not wrong there.’ Amelia winced. ‘Although I didn’t know anything about any other women at the time. I never would have allowed that to happen right under your nose. Oh god, Zoe, I’m making this worse, aren’t I? I’m, like, I wouldn’t let anyone else hurt you but I was happy to do it myself.’
Their drinks arrived and Zoe thanked the waitress.
‘I’m not allowing myself much caffeine at the moment, but I need this.’ Amelia sipped her latte.
‘I’m sure you’re allowed the odd coffee.’
‘Zoe… I never thought I’d see you again but I’ve had this conversation with you so many times in my head. I’ve even spoken to Pete about it.’
‘You told your husband what happened?’
‘I did. Pete’s a good man and he deserved honesty. When we got together, I didn’t want a relationship, but he’s so kind and caring and so understanding. He knew I was hurting and damaged but he waited for me to heal. He helped me to heal, I guess. He said he always liked me at school but thought I was way out of his league.’ She laughed. ‘As if there’s a league of people and you can only date someone on your level.’ She air-quoted ‘level’.
‘That’s high school for you.’
‘Yes, but who did we have eyes for?’
‘Finn and his buddies.’
‘Yep. How sad were we?’ Amelia sighed. ‘That’s why me being with him after all those years, and knowing he was your husband and that you adored him, was just horrid. I hate that I did it, Zoe, and if I could go back in time…’
‘I know. Me, too.’
‘How so?’
‘Well, recently, the more I’ve let myself think of the past, of the anger and the pain and the initial reaction I had to it all, the more I’ve seen it all clearly. Yes, you hurt me. You and Finn broke my heart, but I was never really happy with him. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been someone else. But… you were my best friend.’
‘I betrayed you. It’s unforgiveable.’
‘Look, Amelia, I tried to be what Finn wanted and it was so hard. After the accident, I couldn’t maintain the façade any more and, to be honest, I didn’t want to. It’s tiring being the version of yourself that someone else wants you to be. Finn didn’t love me like I wanted, and deserved, to be loved. I can see that now and recently I’ve actually started to believe that I had a lucky escape. So, while I’ll never be grateful to you for stealing my husband, I can finally forgive you. I need to forgive you now and to move on.’
Amelia gazed out at the boats bobbing on the water and Zoe followed her gaze. There were so many of them, bright white in the sunlight, their windows dark as eyes full of secrets.
‘I’ve dreamt of you saying that for such a long time but I never thought I’d hear the words,’ Amelia said, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.
‘I’m not saying I won’t remember, because I can’t zap my memory, even though sometimes I wish I could wipe some areas of it clean and start again.’
‘That would be nice, right? Just keep the bits you want.’
‘So nice. But I don’t want to carry the anger or the pain any longer. There’s no point. Finn has, it seems, surfed off into the sunset and we’re the ones left behind.’
‘Well, I am. You’re living elsewhere now and good for you. By the way, where is that? I didn’t even ask, I was so shocked at seeing you.’
‘I live in a beautiful village called Conwenna Cove in Cornwall. It’s about two and a half hours away.’
‘Did you drive all that way today?’
Zoe nodded. ‘I got it into my head and I had to do it. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, that the anger and bitterness in my heart have been holding me back, and a few things in my life have shifted and it felt like the right time.’
‘I’m glad you did come. With my marriage to Pete and the baby on the way, I’d like to feel like this is a proper fresh start. Having the guilt hanging over me has been tough. Not that I’m asking you to feel sorry for me, of course.’ Amelia wrinkled her nose and Zoe saw the little girl she’d once been, at one time her closest friend in the whole world, the friend she’d sworn to love forever.
Zoe reached over the table and took Amelia’s hand. ‘It is a fresh start, sweetheart.’
They smiled at each other and it was as if they’d gone back in time to when they used to sit at the harbour as teenagers, drinking cokes and chatting about school, music, fashion and boys. Back then, Zoe had thought they’d be friends for the rest of their lives. Back then, she had thought their friendship was invincible. Then Finn had showed an interest in them in turn and that had been that; their relationship had changed irrevocably, even though they hadn’t known it at the time.
They stayed at the cafe for much longer than an hour, talking and catching up on the years that had passed since they’d last seen each other. It was gone four when Zoe finally walked Amelia back to her shop and her home above it. Amelia asked her in but Zoe declined on account of her needing to get back on the road. They exchanged numbers and even though Zoe suspected that they probably wouldn’t do much more than text now – because life had moved on and so much water had passed under the bridge – she still felt lighter as she drove away from Brixton. She’d put one of her past sorrows to bed and made peace with the woman she’d once loved as her best friend.
Now she could take another step into the future, with one less concern holding her back.
* * *
When Zoe got back to Conwenna Cove, she drove over the brow of the hill and had to blink hard as tears filled her eyes. She’d held it together as she’d driven all that way, even when she’d stopped at the services for coffee and cake to keep her going, but arriving home and seeing the pretty little village lit up before her, glowing invitingly, tipped her over the edge. The sky was pitch black but the windows of the village houses that spread out to her left and right glowed gold and orange and, beyond them, lay the cove and the sea. There was such a sense of openness yet security about the cove, and Zoe knew that she was home.
She drove slowly, taking the road that veered left, then parked in front of her cottage. Inside, it would be quiet; no one would be waiting for her, but at least she’d be free of some of the ghosts from her past. When she’d gone to Brixham, she’d been hoping that forgiving her old friend would let her move on. It was obvious that even though Amelia had moved on with her life, Finn had hurt her too. Handsome, daring, arrogant Finn, the man she’d married at eighteen and who had once loved her in his own way. They’d been close for a while but fame and fortune had changed him, taking him away from what he’d once held dear and making him think he was destined for better things. Better things than his teenage sweetheart, better things even than her best friend. When she really thought about it now, Finn had come to think of himself as being above fidelity, as if it were a concept for lesser mortals.
And that was something Zoe feared now; that if Finn, someone she’d know for so long and had been married to could change, then couldn’t anyone? Someone could se
em like the nicest person in the world, as if they had the kindest heart, but life could change them. It was possible, wasn’t it? Or did some people deserve a chance to show that they were different?
She sighed as she got out of the car and trudged towards her front door. Just as she got inside, her mobile buzzed in her bag, so she pulled it out and swiped the screen. It was a message from Nate, as if he’d sensed that she was thinking about him.
Zoe,
Hope you’re okay? Went into diner but they said you’d gone out for the day. Have a surprise for you. Meet me at the cove tomorrow evening around eight.
Sweet dreams,
Nate X
Zoe read the text through three times then held her mobile to her heart. She so wanted for this to be real, for Nate to be as good as he seemed to be. Even if nothing came of this and she only had the next few weeks with him, then at least she could learn to let herself care again. She wanted to, because she wanted to feel love again, fully, deeply and truly.
Perhaps Nate could show her the way…
Chapter 15
At seven forty-five that Friday evening, Zoe left her cottage and walked down to the cove. She’d dressed in navy linen trousers and matching T-shirt, white Converse daps and carried a white and navy striped cardigan in case it was cooler on the beach.
The evening air was warm and sweet. Above the cliffs, the sky was painted with shades of cobalt and sapphire that stretched out across the sea, where they entwined with tangerine and amethyst. The sparse clouds were like puffs of pink cotton-candy dusted with icing sugar as they floated languidly across the open expanse of the horizon.
When Zoe reached the top of the path that led to the beach, she paused and gazed around her. She took a few moments to breathe deeply, to appreciate the sensation of the breeze on her skin and the clean, briny scent of the air as it blew in from over the water. There was such a deep sense of peace to be had from living near the sea, and she felt she could lie down on the grass right there and sleep peacefully.
A flock of birds passed overhead, silky black silhouettes against the beautiful sky, and she tilted her chin to watch them as they swooped and turned, working in harmony, then headed back inland, presumably to the open farmland and quiet outbuildings of the farms where they’d roost for the summer months, raising their chicks in the rich Cornish environment.
Forever at Conwenna Cove Page 13