by Auryn Hadley
"That's where you've been?" She moved to sit up, but he grabbed her shoulder.
"Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't want to say anything while you were with him, and then I got busy. Was his offer any good?" He gestured for her to wet her hair, then started unlacing his bracers.
She tilted her head back and wiggled her fingers through it, speaking while her ears were under water. "Lorn Connall is a scholar. He desires a life of research and reading, and says he isn't upset to have a strong wife." She sat up and looked at Tristan. "He said he'd claim all of my children as his, so long as the pretense is there. Marriage night and once a week at my convenience. He also said, if I want, he'll lie and tell the court I was a maid."
"So he's offering to turn a blind eye to your supposed lover?" He began lathering her hair.
She tried to nod, but couldn't as nerves began to set in. "Tristan, I lied to the lords today. I marched in there, got angry, and said things that aren't true."
"I thought you were magnificent."
"You don't understand." She groaned and tried to bat his hands away, but he ignored her. "Tristan, I'm a virgin."
His fingers stopped. "Then why didn't you say that?"
She sighed. "I refuse to let those men value me only for my ability to give them children when I'm the one that's the heir. My children will be noble because of me, not them, and my purity has nothing to do with it."
"I agree," he said softly. "Ley, what's the problem? I'm sure your husband won't be upset to figure that little secret out." He slicked her hair back. "Rinse."
She did, trying to think of how to make him understand. As she worked the suds out of her hair, he gently swiped them off her brow. When she sat back up, he moved to her side to face her.
She wiped at her face. "I know I have to get married. I know I have to produce an heir and a spare. I know this, but..."
"What?" he asked softly. "I'm not going to think less of you, Ley."
"I want to be in charge, and I can't do that if I'm a scared little girl in bed. I just... Tristan, I don't trust any of those men in there to not use it against me!"
She surged out of the bath and grabbed her towel, leaving a trail of water in her wake. Tristan followed, saying nothing, just giving her the space to pace. When she sighed the third time, he caught her shoulders, halting her.
"Talk to me, pup," he begged. "I thought you were ok with this. I thought you - " He pressed his head to hers. "I thought you were ruined. You told me that, and I assumed they'd hurt you before you made it to the sands."
"Can you help me?" she asked.
"There's nothing wrong with it, Ley. He might even be gentle. Maybe you'll learn to love him."
She pressed her hands to her mouth and took a deep breath. "I told them I'm not a maiden, and they're still clamoring to claim my throne. Tristan, most of those men want to see me dead so they can wear the crown. Do you really think I want to show them any vulnerability? I will not be pure on my wedding night, but I need your help."
"Ok." He caught the side of her face, forcing her to look at him. "Who do you want? I'll find a way to make it happen."
She licked her lips, trying to find the moisture that had suddenly vanished. "You."
His breath rushed out and his next words were a whisper. "Ley, we can't cross that line."
"I know," she breathed. "I know, Tristan, but you're the only man I can trust." She bit her lips and looked up to the ceiling. "I just know..."
"What?" he asked softly, shifting closer.
She blinked her eyes to his. "They say the first time is special. They say I'll remember it forever, and I want that to be you."
"Oh, Ley." He moved his thumb to caress the swell of her lower lip. "It's not that easy. Not for me, and certainly not for you. If we..." He paused. "Once we cross that line, I can't promise that I could ever go back to my side. I couldn't just step back like it didn't happen. It's a one way trip."
"You wouldn't hurt me."
"No," he swore. "But I'm having enough trouble giving you up now, and I have no right to be jealous. I wouldn't hurt you, but think what I could do to your reputation. The Heir has to be faultless. You represent the hopes of the nation. I'm just a man. Just a gladiator who got above himself."
"You're a king. The Lion, ruler of the gladiatorial arena." Her heart beat faster and she pressed her hand over his. "I've only ever kissed one man."
His eyes flicked between hers then he took a deep breath. "I didn't know you were the Princess."
"What about the other night? Does it even matter?"
He nodded. "Yeah, pup, it does. When I said forever, I meant it. Leyli, I'm your partner, your Secor. I will always be your shadow and your protector, but I can't love you and then pretend that you don't matter to me. I can't just fall into your bed one night, then turn off my feelings the next day. If I keep my distance, it's easier."
"Is it really?"
"No." The word was little more than a breath before he leaned closer. "No, this is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm not stupid enough to think I can take anymore. I can still remember exactly how you taste. I can't stop thinking about it."
"Tristan..."
His lips brushed her cheek. "Leyli, the reason I never tried was because I thought you'd been ruined. I thought you'd been raped before we met, and I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't ever want you to think I was the kind of man who'd do that to you." He kissed the corner of her eye, then leaned back, his gaze too serious. "I had it all figured out. I thought I did, but I don't know how to walk this line, so I need to stay on my own side."
She nodded and pulled back to wrap the towel around her body. "Ok. Will you at least tell me what to expect? Can you help me fake it?"
With a snarl, his hand lashed out and slammed into her dresser. "Fuck," he hissed, storming across the room. "No. I don't know." He groaned, again. "Ley, you're supposed to be loved, not used. That was my job. I was the damned bull. I was supposed to protect you so they couldn't use you like that!"
"I'm sorry." She wrenched open the closet door and began rifling for something to wear. "I didn't mean it like that. You're not a bull. I'll think of something. I don't know, maybe Plague? They don't leave for another two days."
His feet paused. "Why him?"
"He's better than someone who wants to see me dead." She wiped at her face, even though her eyes were perfectly dry. "Because he understands what it's like to have the option of saying no taken away."
"Do you want him?" His back was still to her. "If that's what you want..." His voice broke and he gave up.
"No," Leyli whispered. "But the man I want can't help me."
For a long time, silence hung in the room. She carefully pulled out a night dress, then crumpled it in her fist. She didn't want to marry some stranger. Not anymore. That had been her dream for so long, but now everything was different. There was only one man she wanted, and she couldn't have him. No matter how hard she'd tried to deny it, the truth was that she didn't just want to be his friend. She couldn't think of him like a safe big brother. She wanted him to love her, and if she couldn't have him for the rest of her life, she'd hoped he'd at least give her a memory to treasure.
"All those nights," he said, speaking calmly to the far wall, "when Merino sold me. Why didn't you care? Why were you ok with it?"
She picked at the embroidery around the edge of the sleeve. "I wasn't, but you needed me to be strong."
His breath slid into his lungs slowly. As it rushed out, he turned. "Why didn't you ever try? You knew what they'd think. You knew it wouldn't matter, but you never once tried."
"Because you were tired of being the bull. Because I don't know how to do it right. Because pregnant gladiators don't live very long." She looked back to see his hands clenched tightly at his sides. "I never want to treat you like you don't matter to me."
His eyes flowed over her, missing nothing, then he took a step. Another followed, but each one looked like a battle. "We were supposed to be friends, Leyli.
Just friends."
She bit her lips and looked down. The stinging in her eyes was too much, and she couldn't take that. Not now. She had to be the Wolf. This was just another problem thrown in her path. She wouldn't take it personally, but she wouldn't lie to him.
"I'm trying." Her throat closed, forcing her to gasp just to find her breath. "But I'm not doing so good. I keep thinking about that night and what it would be like, you know?"
"What do you mean?" he whispered.
"If that had been me in your room." She turned away, but he caught her, forcing her to finish. "If I'd been the woman on your bed. If, for once in my life, I could have something I want, instead of what's good for everyone else." She crushed her night dress between her hands and looked up, blinking away the moisture in her eyes. "I just want to be a gladiator again, not a damned princess."
"I was going to buy your deed. I'd saved enough. If not, I was pretty sure Theodian would let me pay it off." Slowly, he reached up and brushed her hair away from her face. "I was going to buy your freedom then ask you to marry me so we could be together forever."
"We are together."
"Yeah." His palm cupped the side of her face. "Yet so far apart."
Leyli leaned closer, pressing her arms into his chest. "I just want it to be you."
He sighed and pressed his head to hers, crushing her in his arms. "We'll figure it out, pup. Ok? You and I, we'll figure it out, but a girl is dead because they wanted to get to you. You're not getting married tomorrow, but Fiona's been murdered."
"I know." She sniffed and looked up into his hazel eyes. "I didn't really like her anyway."
He chuckled and let his thumb brush across her lower lip, his mouth much too close. "Get dressed, Princess, and play Go with Temotio. I need to speak to your father and make sure everything is safe for our trip." He bent and kissed her jaw. "We'll be locked alone tonight and we'll finish this talk, ok?"
He pulled away and she caught his arm. "Thanks for understanding."
"Always, Ley. I swear it."
Chapter 16
Tristan left Leyli sitting across from Temotio in a night dress that was too thin and a robe that hid too little. At least he knew her guards wouldn't do more than look, and he couldn't stop them from that. He'd heard them wondering if she would be as wild in bed as she was with a sword, and each time he made them pay for it. Mostly, they did it just to taunt him, unable to realize that the Wolf was as much a woman as a fighter.
Striding toward the King's chambers, he dragged a hand across his face. By the gods, she was going to kill him. She'd looked at him so innocently and begged him to throw her in bed moments before he had to speak to her father! He tried to remind himself why he shouldn't, but kept skipping back to the way her lips had parted slightly, and how her chest had heaved with little more than a towel covering it. He sighed and forced himself to think of the murdered maid instead of the news that Leyli had never been raped.
Someone was trying to kill the Aravatti line. He didn't need to think about Ley's legs wrapped around him when she could be dead by morning. What he had to do was respond to the King's summons without his cock straining his breeches. Tristan took a deep breath, then turned the last corner. The guards saw him and knocked on the door.
"Anything new?" he asked them.
Bettino shook his head. "No, sir. We've narrowed down the time line, and it fits with our suspicions, but we have no proof."
He nodded just as the door cracked open. Ilario stepped back and gestured for him to enter. "How'd she take the news?" he asked, waving toward a chair.
"Said she didn't like her anyway." Tristan grabbed a pair of glasses and sat before pouring. "Her entire guard is locked in her room with her, playing Go, I think."
Ilario took his cup and leaned back. "I heard what my daughter said to the Lords."
Tristan groaned. "Which part?"
"The part about not being a blushing virgin. How long have you been bedding her?"
"Haven't, sire. She lied." He rubbed at his face. "Ilario, when I met her, she told me she was ruined. I thought she'd been forced before her first games, so figured she'd rather not touch a man. Said she fell asleep in Oberhame and woke up in Valview, and that she was ruined. She never told me otherwise." He paused. "Until about five minutes ago."
The King smiled. "I see. I assume my daughter has a plan?"
"No." He took a long drink. "She just didn't want them to use her innocence against her, then realized afterward that she'd dug a hole for herself."
"What are you going to do about it?"
Tristan set his cup on the table and stood, slowly making his way to the window. "I'm not sure. She has a valid point. Those men all want to control her and make her a puppet to their reign. Every woman I've ever known has been so vulnerable that first time. Pretty sure that even as strong as she is, Ley..." He paused, glancing back at her father as he changed his words. "If she gives them the chance to get the upper hand, trying wrestle it back would be a nightmare."
Ilario chuckled softly, kicking his feet onto an empty chair. "Boy, I'm well aware that my little girl will fuck. That's how I get grandchildren and continue my line. In fact, I have the right to sell her off to some man for money, basically."
Tristan turned back to the window, watching the King in the reflection on the glass. "That is the current law," he agreed.
"You know I had a mistress?"
"She never mentioned it, but I would assume it's not exactly something that's talked about."
Ilario nodded, pinching his mouth to the side. "Her mother was a beautiful girl. The problem was that she was also vapid. Kalani never had an opinion. She was told to marry me, so she did. The least I could do was make sure she had something to make her happy, but she never wanted anything more than to sit in her solar and sew. Leylani looks so much like her mother, I always feared that she'd be the same, but she was five when she proved she was my daughter." He smiled at the memory. "I got her a pony. A cute little white one, with a pretty pink saddle pad. She put her hands on her hips and told me that she was big enough to ride a real horse like Daddy's."
Tristan laughed and nodded his head. "Oh I can believe that. She doesn't know how to do anything halfway."
"Needless to say, she learned to ride sitting before me on my parade horse." He waved that away. "Tristan, why did you take the sword?"
"Because I owe her my life."
"Mhm." The King narrowed his eyes. "And? Don't feed me horse shit, boy. I wasn't always an old man, and you're not that good at hiding it."
"Because it meant I could stay with her." The big, tough gladiator chuckled at himself. "I've probably fucked half the widows in your court, and there I was, realizing that the best I could ever do was die to protect her, and you were giving me the chance."
"Yep." Ilario pointed the empty chair beside him. "Thing is, I love my little girl. I think she's what I'm the most proud of, and none of those noble born assholes deserve her. She needs a man who puts his pride second to hers. You understand what I'm saying?"
Thinking it through, Tristan returned to his chair, sat, and drained the glass. Then he sighed and looked up at the King. "We spent four and a half months together before Merino sold her. He didn't warn us, he just sold her and had Theodian there to pick her up when we got off the cart. I thought I'd never see her again. I knew that either she'd die or I would, before Fate would put us back together."
"Hmm," Ilario said, pointing at him. "Interesting words you choose."
"Yeah," Tristan agreed, then continued. "I kissed her. Fuck the guards, fuck the rules, I just walked right up to her and kissed her, thinking she was some merchant's girl. Couldn't stand the idea of losing her without that much, you know? And the next time I see her, she runs into the arena and throws me a sword, that damned pink dress - just like the one she wore the first time I saw her - hiked up to her thighs." He shrugged. "She's my equal, Ilario. I know that's not true, but that's how it feels. Her birth was better than mine, my sword
was stronger than hers, but together, we make it all fit. She's not some girl to be treated like that. She's the Wolf. She deserves to have a husband who can make her happy, not some asshole waiting for the chance to poison her." He grabbed his glass, pausing before he downed the last of it. "She deserves to be treated like a goddess."
"My mistress was my wife's maid." Ilario leaned over and refilled both glasses. "The first time she got pregnant, I was terrified. Thought my wife would lose her mind, but Ciara never told her. I found her a husband who wouldn't ask questions and kept her close." He turned his glass in his hands. "Hardest thing I ever did, giving her to someone else, but I knew it was the what she needed. That night, when she was supposed to be laying with her husband, I bawled like a little boy. Even losing my father didn't hurt that bad, but I did it, because she needed me to."
"I couldn't do it."
"Sure you could," Ilario said gently. "When you love your girl enough, you can do anything you have to if it means you won't lose her completely. Like agree to be her guard just so you can be near her."
"It's easier if I'm just her friend." Tristan's head snapped up, realizing what he'd just said. "Not that I'd ever think of the Princess like that."
"Right." The king leaned back, smiling wistfully. "Damn, I loved that woman. She died two years ago, and I still miss her."
"Leyli know?" Tristan asked.
Ilario shrugged. "She knows I had a mistress, she doesn't know Alain's children are her half siblings. Two brothers and a sister, and not a damned thing I can do for them, but that's not true for Leyli." He lifted his eyes to Tristan. "She needs a husband to quiet the court. She doesn't need one to produce heirs. She just needs a man that loves her and will take damned good care of her. It's much better to lie in public than be alone in private."
Tristan's heart was pounding hard enough that he swore the King could hear. "I doubt her husband would approve of that," was the best he could manage.