“Everything ain’t the way it seems. To you, Ronald may not look like much, but he’s there for me and that’s what counts,” I lied. That’s what I hoped for, and I knew this baby would answer my prayers.
“Ronald is only thinking about himself. He graces you with his presence only when he feels like it, he hands you a little money, and you take that shit. What I’m trying to tell you is that you deserve more than that.”
Tabatha was right. If I were truly honest with myself, I actually wanted better, but I was prepared to play with the cards I’d been dealt.
“That is easy for you to say. You don’t see the lives I’ve changed. If I weren’t there for the twins, they would probably wind up in the system or on the streets, and I wouldn’t table to live with myself because of it. I don’t have any regrets with regard to those children.”
“You don’t deserve to be pregnant; you deserve a fucking medal.”
We both started laughing until I noticed the look on Tabatha’s face. No doubt about it, she was having one of her brainstorming moments.
“Then go into business and help yourself. Stop being a baby momma to your pimp. Take your expertise with children and make it work for you.”
“Ronald is not a pimp. He’s fertile. It wasn’t his fault he chose to lie down with worthless women.” I was struggling to come up with excuses for Ronald. I wasn’t just trying to convince Tabatha, I was trying to convince myself.
“What are you saying? If it wasn’t his fault, then whose was it? He did have a choice in the matter of who he was going to fuck.”
“Damn, Tabatha. Why did you have to take it there?”
“Because I’m speaking the truth. Something you should be familiar with, but you aren’t.”
“The truth according to you. I don’t care what you say. Ronald loves me and he’s going to love our baby.”
“Gina, the man is a walking time bomb. He doesn’t even think enough of himself—or you for that matter—to wrap his dick up when he’s out there in those streets. Do you know how fortunate you are that he hasn’t given you some type of disease that you can’t go to the doctor and get a cure for? He’s playing Russian Roulette with your life.”
Her words hurt me more than I wanted to admit. I had often thought about how careless Ronald was with my life, but at the end of the day, I still loved him and would do anything to keep him, including putting my own life on the line for his. But if I were honest with myself, this was taking a toll on my self-esteem. I used to think I was a vibrant woman, but lately I felt like a piece of shit stuck on the bottom of someone’s shoe.
“I know you ain’t stupid, but tell me this: Why haven’t you told him yet?”
“I told you, I’m going to tell him when he comes home for Christmas. I don’t want to tell him over the phone.”
“Why didn’t you tell him when he was here for Thanksgiving?”
“He was only here for the day, and I wasn’t sure I was pregnant. Besides, for the first time since he left, he’s actually talking about moving back home.”
“Ah, now we’re getting to the root of the problem. You think if you tell him, he might change his mind about moving, right?”
I didn’t answer her. I didn’t need to because she already knew the answer to that question.
“I’ve got to hand it to the brother, he’s good. He’s got your mind so messed up you can’t even tell when he’s pissing all over you.”
I reared back as if to slap her. She had gone too far.
“What? You gonna hit me? I’m the only one who is around for your sorry, underappreciated ass.”
I got up and grabbed my purse. “You know what? I think I need to leave. Obviously, I have outstayed my welcome.”
“Gina, no, I’m sorry. I just hate that you keep giving that man all your love and he continues to shit on you. I want you to wake the fuck up.”
“Understand and respect this, Tabatha: I love him. For all his faults and betrayals, I love him. How he treats me is my business. Now, I love you too, but I can and will cut you from my life if I have to continue to defend my decisions to you.”
“I hear what you’re saying. I will try to keep my opinions to myself, but would you at least consider my idea? If you are going to take in wayward kids, why not get compensated for it? You could apply for grants and give the love that is in your heart and get compensated for it.”
“Tabatha, what are you talking about? What I do for Ronald’s kids, I do from my heart. I don’t want to accept money for it.” I sent a look that could have drawn blood.
“Gina, doing from your heart is one thing, but your purse is on empty. You need some help. How do you plan to support another mouth when you’re barely making it as it is?”
“My husband will support me and the children.”
“That’s the thing, sweetie, he’s not your husband and those twins are not yours. He could decide tomorrow that he doesn’t want to have a damn thing to do with you and there won’t be anything you could do about it.”
“Tabatha, I’m going to leave before I say something that I can’t take back.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Because I am not going to allow you to sell me a line of bullshit. I love you, but I’m not going to say the things that make you happy just to make you feel better. I love you; but, damn, don’t test me.”
I started to gather my belongings again.
CHAPTER TWO
GINA MEADOWS
When I got home, I went into frenzy mode to make sure my meager house was spotless. I gave the house one last look before I went into the living room to wait for Ronald to come back from one of his many runs. Ronald was a street nigga. He wasn’t happy staying in the house for long periods. He always had someplace to go or something to see too. He tried to make me believe that he had given up selling weed, but I wasn’t that naïve. He was a born hustler, but had toned his game down since I’d first met him fifteen years ago.
In high school, I had the biggest crush on him. He didn’t go to my school, but he was there so much it would have been easy to believe that he was enrolled. He supplied drugs to all the kids, so it wasn’t uncommon to see him lounging around the parking lot or across the street from the school. He was smooth and all the girls loved him.
I was in my junior year when he started flirting with me. That was the year my boobs and ass finally developed. Up until that year, I was as flat as a pancake. It seemed like overnight I outgrew my training bra and added a caboose to my jeans. All the boys were trying to get my attention, but I only had eyes for Ronald. He was a boy with man-sized dreams and I wanted to be a part of them. I wasn’t stupid enough to believe I was the only one vying for Ronald’s attention, but I reveled in the attention he poured on me.
In the beginning, he would be waiting outside my school right next to my bus. Every day he would ask me if I wanted a ride home. At first I’d always say no, but my girlfriends persuaded me to take a ride one rainy afternoon.
My nerves threatened to get the better of me as I slid onto the leather seat of his car. I could see my girlfriends’ faces plastered against the window of the bus as we pulled away from the curb. Excitedly, I waved bye to my friends. This was probably the most exciting thing that had happened to me in my whole life.
“Don’t worry, Gina, I won’t bite,” Ronald had said.
“How did you know my name?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “I asked around.”
I felt like pinching myself knowing he went through the trouble of finding out who I was. We were driving for a few minutes before I noticed that we were going in the wrong direction.
“Where we going?” The rain was coming down pretty hard. I had to get home before my mother realized I hadn’t caught the bus.
“I’m waiting for you to tell me.”
For a minute I felt stupid, but I quickly shrugged it off. “Well, I assumed if you knew my name, you knew where I lived as well.”
“Damn, baby, I’m not a stalker. I just as
ked what your name was.” He laughed heartily and I joined in.
“I live back the other way toward Grant Park on Boulevard. You can let me out at the corner by the zoo entrance.”
“Why, you don’t want me to know where you live?” He acted like I offended him.
“No, it’s not that, but I don’t want my mother to see me getting out of your car.” Truth be told, my mother would shit a duck if she saw me in a car with a man. She was very protective of me, especially since I developed boobs. She was always asking me if boys were trying to touch them.
“Okay, I can understand that. When she gets to know me, she’ll love me like all the girls do,” he said with confidence, but what I heard in those words was that there would be a next time.
My tiny heart beat faster as I imagined us as a couple. All too soon it was time for me to get out of the car. This was the first of many rides in his car.
The sound of Ronald’s horn interrupted my musings. I got up and grabbed my coat. For a minute, it was just like old times. I patted my stomach and ran out to meet my man.
“Where we going?” I asked as I closed the door behind me. I leaned across the seat to give Ronald a kiss, but he waved me away. I could smell the weed clinging to his clothes. He had told me he stopped smoking, but I wasn’t about to bring it up, for fear of ruining our night together.
“Only your favorite place in the world,” he said, laughing.
I held in my sigh of frustration. He was taking me to Copelands in Buckhead, the same restaurant he took me to every time even when we were dating. I didn’t want to burst his bubble and let him know that I’d outgrown the place.
“Ah, aren’t you sweet.” I was so sick of their Cajun cuisine I wanted to puke. Not to mention the fact that my baby didn’t seem to care for those spicy foods. But, once again, I held my tongue so I wouldn’t piss Ronald off.
I was trying so hard to make this a nice visit, but my hormones were making it hard for me. I was also trying to deal with our long-distance relationship, but it was wearing me down. Ronald had moved to Ohio when the GM plant closed in Atlanta. In addition to the plant closing, he was running from the law, and this was the second time that Ronald had been back in the ATL since he left two years ago.
Ohio was supposed to have been a temporary move, but thus far he had not sent for me and the twins, and he would get upset every time I brought up the subject. Tonight, I was going to tell him about the baby because I was going to need some help as I got further along.
“Why are you being so quiet?” Ronald looked at me from the corner of his eye.
“Huh?”
He had been talking to me and I hadn’t been paying attention. I was occupied with how I was going to approach him with the news of our baby.
“You were a million miles away. I guess you didn’t miss me.” He placed his hand on my lap.
I knew he thought he was soothing me, but his touch only made me more nervous. “I did miss you, baby. I was just thinking about the kids.” I was still concerned about leaving them home alone even though they were old enough to be left by themselves.
“Hey, don’t bring them into our night out together. It’s not often we get to spend time alone.”
Humph, that was easy for him to say, because at the end of his “holiday” he went home to peace and quiet and I was left alone to raise his children. The situation was less than fair, and I deserved more.
“You’re right. This is our night. I’m so glad to have you here. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ohio, but it’s much too cold in the wintertime. I hate that you had to move there to keep your job.”
He said, “You ain’t even lying. When I got back in Georgia, I just started peeling off my clothes. It’s going to be hard making the drive back home.”
Hearing him claim Ohio as his home stung. Home was supposed to be where his heart was—and that wasn’t in Ohio. For a second, I started to doubt his love for me, but I quickly shook that thought from my head. If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t be sending me all the money he did to sustain our household. True, I had a job and did the best that I could, but my salary was only meant to sustain me. A snippet of doubt, however, entered my mind.
In spite of my earlier trepidation, we had a very nice dinner at Copelands. For a while, I forgot my churning emotions.
“I can’t wait to get back to the house to make love to you,” Ronald whispered in my ear.
We were sitting next to each other like young lovers.
“I hope you’re ready, ’cause I’m going to make you work.” I was flirting shamelessly with him. My stomach was in knots with anticipation. It had been two months since we’d last made love and I was more than ready. “Ronald, when are you coming home to stay?”
Before he could answer me, the waiter came and asked if we wanted dessert. Ronald pushed his plate away, knocking over his glass of water.
“I’d like the cheesecake,” I said, and smiled.
Ronald frowned. “You don’t need it. Don’t you think you’re getting a little fat?”
My cheeks burned with shame, and I closed my eyes to keep the tears from falling. I got up from the table and ran to the restroom. I refused to let him see me cry. Ronald could be a cruel bastard when he wanted to be. Attacking my weight was just one of the things he used to keep me in my place. This was my Achilles’ heel because I was not as razor thin as some of the other women he used to deal with.
I went into an empty stall and threw up my dinner. My heart ached because the blinders were falling off. Everything was good as long as I stayed in my place and didn’t ask him any questions. That little glimpse of clarity didn’t make me feel any better about my situation, yet I stilled loved my baby and was determined to bring it into the world. After a few minutes, I left the bathroom. Ronald was waiting by the door.
“I thought I was going to have to come in and get you.”
Opting not to say anything, I walked past Ronald, straight out of the restaurant, and to the car. He let me know how disappointed he was with me by not opening my car door. We didn’t speak during the twenty-minute ride home. My mind was churning with different thoughts and none of them bode well for the birth of my baby.
Ronald parked the car and for a moment we just sat inside. I wanted to ask if he was coming in, but I was afraid of his answer. Finally, he opened his door and we got out of the car. It was late and I just wanted to get some sleep. My hands shook as I tried to insert my key in the lock. Frustrated, Ronald took the keys from me and opened the door. I was feeling self-conscious and insignificant, and I didn’t like the feeling one bit.
Ronald turned on the light in the living room and turned on the television. I wanted to get us back on an even keel, but I refused to beg for his affection. I left him in the living room and went into the bathroom for a shower. I felt dirty and I needed to wash away the grime of dejection. I locked the door behind me. Inside my shower stall, I cried. I cried all the tears of loneliness that I’d been holding inside. I cried tears of fear that attempted to overtake me. I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. Shivering, I left the shower and dried off. I could not bring myself to look at my reflection in the mirror.
He was in bed when I came out of the bathroom as if nothing were wrong. I paused. For a moment, I was self-conscious about my nakedness. I didn’t want him to see me, especially since he had called me fat not more than an hour ago.
“What are you waiting for? Get in the bed. The house is chilly.”
He was right. The house was chilly and that was another reason for Ronald to come home to me and his children. My mother had left me the house when she passed away a few years ago, and Ronald had promised to help me fix it up. It was a two-story home. The rooms were cramped and the plumbing sucked. In the wintertime, we practically froze; in the summertime, we damn near died of heatstroke since there was no central air.
Pulling back the covers, I slipped into the bed. I stayed on my side because I was not ready to allow him to touch me. I cou
ld hear the television playing in the other room. I was so cold; I didn’t feel like getting up and turning it off. “Why did you leave the television on?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t know if you’d let me stay in here with you.”
I turned to face him. In all the years that we’d been together, I’d never said no to him. “What do you mean?” He had me totally confused.
“I know I hurt your feelings back at the restaurant, but I didn’t mean to.”
I wanted to reach out and take Ronald’s temperature because he had never once acknowledged hurting my feelings, which he’d done countless times. Ronald got out of bed and left the room. I held my breath because I wasn’t sure if he was coming back. When he returned, I let out the air that I’d been holding. He slid back in bed and gathered me to his chest. I sighed as I sunk into his arms. Moments like these made all the pain worth it. This was the gentler side of Ronald—more like the man who I had fallen in love with.
He began kissing my neck. His hot breath sent shivers down my spine, but this time it wasn’t from the cold. My back arched toward his waiting mouth. He turned my face toward his and kissed me deeply. His arms snaked behind my back as he held me close.
“I love you, Gina,” he whispered as he pushed me back onto the bed.
His fingers traced tiny circles around my nipples. A low moan escaped my lips. I loved it when he took his time to bring me pleasure. I trembled in anticipation. He lowered his mouth to my waiting nipple and gently suckled it. Briefly, an image of feeding his child flitted through my mind, but I pushed that thought away.
“You taste so good to me. I missed the way you fill my mouth.”
I squirmed beneath his touch. He was exciting me with his words and his fingers. He pushed my breasts together and pleasured them both as moisture leaked from my pussy. We had only been at it for a few moments and already I was cumming.
“Do you like that, Gina?” his lips murmured against my skin.
“Yeah, baby, I like it.” I wanted him to go lower. I needed him to go lower. I wanted him to taste me.
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