This was different.
There was danger here. For the peace of mind he was struggling to achieve. For the relationship with an important colleague that could get damaged. And for Anna … because she might get hurt. She might want something that he couldn’t give her.
Like commitment.
Curious that the prospect of hurting Anna outweighed the more personal ramifications this step could represent. He wanted to protect her. To turn his vehicle round and take her back to the hospital. Let Anna drive home to her small cottage. Alone.
Luke flicked a sideways glance at his passenger as he turned onto the road that led to his beachside house. She’d pulled out whatever it was she used to restrain her hair and it tumbled to her shoulders. Her hands were clasped in her lap and she was still wearing her power-dressing clothes.
Not for long, though. Luke found he had to lick suddenly dry lips. There was still time, he told himself. He could turn round. Tell her that he’d changed his mind and maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all, given how closely they needed to keep working together.
But Anna seemed to sense that quick glance and she turned her head as well. Her eyes seemed huge in a pale face as they drove under a streetlamp. Her lips were parted a little and maybe she was experiencing the same kind of dry mouth he was because she mirrored his own action and licked her lips. The action rendered Luke helpless to act on any good intentions. Almost ashamed of himself, he cleared his throat and it came out in a kind of growl.
Anna sighed, assuming the sound was related to the conversation she was using to fill the awkward journey.
‘I know, I was crazy to take on a puppy with the kind of hours I have to work but when I am at home he’s wonderful company.’
Oh, God … was she lonely?
The urge to protect this woman from being hurt morphed into something very different. He might not be able to offer commitment or any kind of a future but he could step, temporarily at least, into that void in her life and give her some companionship. The kind of closeness that would make her feel like she wasn’t alone in the world. That someone cared enough to give her pleasure.
That someone cared at all.
She wasn’t the only one here who needed that.
Anna was pleased that Luke didn’t draw the curtains in the bedroom he led her into. His house was almost on a beach. Not one of the rocky, dangerous coves that dotted this coast but a sandy stretch with enough width for smooth waves. The kind of gem tucked amongst the rocky ones that surfers loved to try and keep secret. She could see it because it was a clear, cold night and there was enough moonlight to not only show her the view but to mean that harsh electric lighting was unnecessary inside. That pleased her, too.
She had already declined an offer for any food or drink. That could come later. Or not. They were there for one reason and that was to continue the kiss that had begun in her office. To finish what had been started.
Standing here was different, however. Anna was too nervous to look at the bed so she stood in front of the big window that had the view of the beach and stared out. Luke came to stand very close behind her. His hands brushed her arms. A slow stroke from her elbows to her shoulders and back again and there his hands lingered.
‘Are you sure about this, Anna?’ he asked quietly. ‘It’s OK if you want to change your mind.’
She turned and it was suddenly very easy. As though his body warmth was an irresistible magnet. Her breast brushed his hand as she moved and the sensation blitzed any final nerves.
‘I don’t want to change my mind,’ she said softly. ‘Do you?’
By way of response, Luke bent his head and his lips touched hers. The chill of the evening outside was coming through the uncovered glass beside them and the pale light of the moon offered no pretence of warmth, but Anna had never felt heat like this.
Scorching her lips as Luke claimed her mouth. Trickling over her body with the touch of his hands as he undid the buttons of her blouse and undressed her. Building inside as she watched him strip and stand there, bathed in moonlight. Tall and lean and powerful. Magnificently male.
She wanted him to catch her in his arms and throw her onto the bed but, instead, he came to stand in front of her. Skin to skin. Her breasts pressed into the hardness of his chest and she could feel his arousal against her belly. He wanted her. As much as she wanted him. His arms came around her then and their lips met. In a kind of slow dance, moving as one person, they somehow made their way from the window to the bed and then they were lying together. A tangle of limbs and passionate kisses and a consuming need that brooked no delay other than Luke fishing in a bedside drawer for protection.
The few seconds of watching him was like being suspended in time and space for Anna. The piercing anticipation had to be the most delicious sensation she had ever experienced and she clung to it, knowing that it would end very soon. Wanting it to end so that she could feel Luke inside her. Touching parts of her body that had never felt so hollow. Reaching places that weren’t even physical.
She just knew he would be able to touch her soul.
Passion so intense had to explode and burn out in a dramatic climax and if that had been the end of it, it would have been incredibly satisfying on a physical level. Even better was that Luke smiled at Anna when they finally caught their breath.
‘Now we can really get to know each other,’ he promised.
And they did. A slow exploration of each other’s bodies. A shaping of muscles on Anna’s part with a compliment on how fit he must be. A tracing of Anna’s breast with a single finger that ran across the flatness of her stomach to her belly button.
‘You are beautiful,’ Luke told her.
She found the scars on Luke’s leg and he tried to move her hand but she resisted.
‘They’re part of you, Luke,’ she said gently. ‘Don’t hide. Please.’
He went very still as she touched the misshapen muscle of his thigh and the lumpy ridges of the scars.
‘Ugly, isn’t it?’ he ground out finally.
‘No. They tell me that you have courage. That you’re different.’ Anna propped herself up on one elbow to look down at Luke. Even in this half-light she could see the shadows in his eyes that were part of the scars she had just been touching. What she could feel on his leg was nothing compared to the scars that had to be still hidden.
‘Special,’ she added in a whisper, leaning down to kiss him. She tried to put what she couldn’t put into words into that kiss. To tell him that she accepted him for who he was. With scars. That she had courage too. That she could be trusted.
They made love again and this time it was slow and sweet and, in its wake, Anna fell asleep in Luke’s arms, drifting off in a cloud of utter contentment. Of promise. Of a hope so compelling it was safer to go to sleep than contemplate the notion that it might be unjustified.
She woke some time later to find herself alone in a strange bed. She lay there, listening, but the house had that peculiar kind of silence that told her she was alone within these walls. Turning her head, she caught the glow of a digital, bedside clock. It was 3 a.m. Where on earth was Luke?
Taking the rumpled sheet with her to wrap around her body, Anna climbed from the bed. Instinct took her straight to the window and she stared out, the way she had when she’d first entered this room. For a long minute it was too dark to see anything. Then the moon emerged from thick cloud and she saw him. On the beach.
Running.
How could he be doing that? Not just because it was the middle of the night and it had to be well below zero out there, but how hard would it have to be to do that, in soft sand, on a leg that was damaged enough to make him limp at a fast walking pace or put him in noticeable pain when he had to stand for any length of time?
He was more driven than Anna had suspected and it was disturbing. Maybe he wasn’t driving himself towards something. Maybe he was trying to run away.
He came back to the bed a while later, warm and fresh fr
om a hot shower, and when he reached for Anna, she was happy to sacrifice further sleep to make love yet again. This time, however, there was an edge that hadn’t been there before. Concern for Luke. The knowledge that she was with a deeply troubled man.
When daylight broke, Luke was absent from the bed again but Anna knew where to look. He wasn’t running on the beach this time. She could see the dark shape striding into the surf. Diving into a breaking wave further out and then surfacing to swim, with a strong, steady stroke, parallel to the sand.
She had showered and dressed by the time Luke returned to the house. She saw him coming up the path in his wetsuit, carrying dripping flippers in one hand. His face registered surprise.
‘You’re not going to stay for breakfast?’
‘I’d better not. I need to collect Crash and I’ve got a huge list of things I want to get done on my day off. If I can finish the painting and get the windowsills sanded and varnished, I can put my bedroom back together properly tonight.’
‘Shall I come over after work and give you a hand?’
Anna hesitated. She could decline the offer and send a signal that she wanted to slow down whatever was happening between them. If she accepted, it would take them to a new level. The start of a relationship instead of a one-night stand.
Luke was pulling the zipper on his wetsuit. Peeling it away to reveal his bare torso, and Anna’s body instantly reminded her of exactly what it had felt like to have those hands peeling away her own clothing. The sound of the nearby surf reminded her of watching him in the night, punishing his body by pounding over the sand. Enduring the pain in his leg because he was driven. And courageous.
And she … loved him for it?
Oh, help!
‘I—I’d love a hand,’ she heard herself say aloud. Good grief, what was she doing? She couldn’t stop herself. ‘I’ll cook you some dinner. Do you realise we totally forgot to eat last night?’
Luke looked more surprised than he had on finding her dressed and ready to leave.
And then he smiled. ‘Sometimes food can be overrated. I had everything I needed.’
Anna actually blushed as she smiled back. ‘Me, too.’
A day at home was important for Anna.
By throwing herself into the renovations of her cottage and spending time playing with Crash, she could banish Dr Bartlett and let her recharge her professional batteries. Usually the door between work and home was firmly closed but today there was a wedge preventing that. She found herself wondering where Luke might be and what he might be doing.
He wouldn’t be in Theatre. Although the tacit agreement that they would act as a team for surgery was still new, it was working and Anna trusted Luke not to break it. If something extraordinary happened, like Jamie’s case had presented yesterday, he would call her in.
How was Jamie today? Anna peeled off her gloves and discarded the sandpaper she had been using, intending to make a call, but the phone rang as she walked towards it.
‘I thought you might like an update on Jamie,’ Luke said. ‘We’re transferring him to the ward this afternoon. He’s bouncing back from his surgery remarkably well and I think we’ll find he’ll end up showing little effect from being virtually frozen to death.’
Anna listened to Luke’s voice and absorbed the welcome news. The call ended, she went back to varnishing her windowsill. Thoughts of Luke were there as pervasively as the smell of polyurethane. Catching sight of Crash ripping her sandpaper to shreds with his tail thumping, she made a mental note to get to the supermarket so that she had something to feed Luke for dinner tonight. What did he like to eat? What would he like to do when they’d finished eating?
Oh, Lord. She could only hope that Luke wasn’t in his office, struggling to concentrate on important paperwork, getting ambushed by memories of their astonishing night together. On the other hand, maybe she hoped he was. This was all as confusing as it was wonderful.
She put a roast of beef in the oven to cook slowly and fill her cottage with a welcoming aroma. She wanted Luke to feel welcome. She purchased wine, too. She wanted him to relax and feel comfortable. This was another new step. A chance to get to know each other better on more than a physical level. A chance to talk about things other than work. A chance to test these newborn feelings she was experiencing. To see if there was a chance of finding ground that might nurture them or whether they needed to be ruthlessly weeded out.
Except that turned out to be harder than Anna had anticipated. Luke seemed happy to be in her home and he clearly appreciated the meal, though he declined any alcohol. He was polite but unforthcoming when it came to any personal conversation.
‘What was it like?’ Anna asked at one stage. ‘Working in a field hospital?’
‘Basic. Fast and bloody.’ His tone was detached enough to signal a lack of desire to go into details. ‘These Yorkshire puddings are fantastic,’ he said into the moment’s silence that fell then. ‘Where did you learn to cook like this?’
‘My mother was adamant that a girl had to be able to cook. So was my father, come to that.’
‘And you weren’t.’
It was a statement, rather than a question. Delivered with a quizzical edge that made Anna think he could see right into places in her heart that even she didn’t peer into too deeply any more.
‘Things that boys were allowed to do were more important. I jumped through the girl hoops but it wasn’t enough.’ Anna looked down at her plate. ‘My father wanted a son that he never got.’
She heard Luke’s fork clatter as he put it down. Then she felt him touch her hand. ‘He got something better, then, didn’t he? They must be very proud of you.’
Anna shrugged. ‘Surprised might be closer to the mark. Disappointed, maybe, that I didn’t become a teacher or a nurse and shower them with grandchildren. Grandsons,’ she amended with an attempt to lighten the revelation with a smile. ‘What was your family like, Luke? You weren’t an only child, were you?’
‘No. All boys in my family but if there had been a girl she would have been expected to do the boy things. She wouldn’t have had a choice, really, being dragged from one military post to another. I was the one to break the family tradition and become a doctor instead of a soldier. Even then, I was expected to aim for a career as an army medic. I rebelled.’
‘You went in the end. I’m sure your parents are proud.’
‘They’re in New Zealand,’ Luke said, as though that answered the unspoken question. And then he steered the conversation away from himself again. ‘What’s the next project you’ve got lined up for the cottage?’
He helped her clean up after the meal and then he helped her move the bedroom furniture back into place. And then, as Anna had hoped he would, he took her into her own bed and made love to her. He wouldn’t stay the night, however.
‘I’ve got so much reading to catch up on,’ he excused himself in the early hours. ‘You’ve got no idea how out of date you can get by taking a year or two off. I’ve got to keep up my exercise program, too, and I can’t miss my early swim.’
Too many good reasons not to stay.
‘Don’t you ever sleep, Luke?’
‘Sleep’s overrated.’ He bent to kiss Anna again as he took his leave. ‘Life’s too short to waste it.’
Maybe sleep wasn’t so overrated.
Fatigue was like a form of anger. Something that simmered and bubbled occasionally to splash in unexpected directions.
‘That is a surgical mask, not a damned bib. Don’t come into this theatre unless you’re going to wear it properly.’
The junior theatre nurse went pale and fled. Luke looked away as Anna glanced up from the meticulous stitches she was placing in preparation for a mitral valve replacement. He knew there had been no real reason to snap at the nurse. She’d been delivering some new IV fluid supplies, not planning to come and lean over the operating table.
‘I’ve got all the anular sutures placed and tagged,’ Anna said.
‘Let�
�s get the valve seated, then, and tie them off.’
‘OK,’ Anna said as the procedure continued. ‘I’ll have the aortic needle vent now, thanks.’
Luke watched as she removed more air and then restarted the heart.
‘Can you elevate the apex of the left ventricle?’ she asked him. ‘If those adhesions are too dense, I’ll go for clamping the aorta. I’d like to follow up with an echocardiograph to check.’
Would she say something when this was over? Reprimand him in some way for his irritation with the junior nurse? He probably deserved it, given that this wasn’t the first time.
Ripping off his mask and the disposable hat as he left Theatre, Luke pushed his fingers through his flattened hair. What was wrong with him?
It wasn’t simply fatigue. Insomnia had been a part of his life for many months now and he had coped. Maybe the difference was that he was choosing to stay awake when he craved sleep. Night after night. It had been nearly a week now. He would hold Anna in his arms after they’d made love and feel the way her body softened and her breathing slowed. The blissful temptation of sleep would pull at him in those moments, too.
Taunt him.
When he needed sleep and was ready for it, it wouldn’t come. If offered itself at times like this, when he couldn’t accept. He just couldn’t go there because he had no control over what his sleeping mind chose to do. While it could be the saving of him to have Anna to hold close in the wake of a nightmare, he had to spare her from sharing that part of his life, because then he’d have to talk about it and he wasn’t going to do that with anybody.
If he could bury it, it would go away.
Eventually.
Luke fell asleep the next night Anna stayed at his house.
Maybe that was what had woken her—the change in how he was holding her. It was more like she was holding him right now. With a careful tilt of her head, she could see his face and it looked so different she was shocked. He looked so much younger. Unguarded.
St Piran's: The Brooding Heart Surgeon Page 11