Waiting for Mac to call has been torture. On one hand, I just want to tell him but on the other I want to bide my time. I’m still not sure how to tell him. I don’t know how he will respond and that thought terrifies me.
I try to busy myself with reading up on pregnancy and how my body will be changing, and boy does it sound fantastic. Sore everything, weight gain, hormones and crying and these cravings for anchovies. Just as I am about to throw the book across the room, I hear the video call ringing on my computer. Shit. Time to face the music.
I click accept and there before me is the sexiest smile I have ever seen. His soulful eyes are looking at me like he hasn’t seen me in years. Seeing him makes me realize how scared I am. I immediately start to cry. Damn hormones.
“Oh no Emily, what’s wrong?” He says and just like that I have made his smile disappear. I try to catch my breath, so I can tell him the news.
“Mac, just give me a quick second to get myself together.” I say blowing my nose. Real sexy Em. He is going to think that you are a freaking nut job.
“Take your time, I have all night.” I don’t think he is going to want to spend all night talking to me after he finds out the news but here goes.
“ I need to tell you something important, something life changing and if you don’t want to talk to me after I tell you I will completely understand.” I tell him avoiding looking in his eyes and he notices.
“Emily, look at me please, there isn’t a thing that you can tell me that will make me not talk to you again.”
Oh no, I start to giggle uncontrollably. Shit, my emotions all over the place tonight.
“I know that is your nervous giggle, it’s ok whatever you have to tell me,” he says with such sincerity that I want to believe him.
“Mac, I am pregnant. The day my birth control shot was due was the day I found out about Jackson and then everything just went to hell after that. I completely forgot about the shot. I am so sorry, this is my fault and if you don’t want to have anything to do with me or the baby I completely understand.” I blurt out without taking a breath and I wait.
I look at him and his eyes are down, and he is shaking his head slowly. Oh God, he hates me. I knew it.
I am desperate at this point. “Mac, I am so sorry. You don’t have to do anything, I promise that you can live your life and not worry about us.” I choke out hoping that it isn’t too late to save our friendship.
He is shifting in his seat, but he is still not looking at me. Will he hang up on me? Should I just end the call for him? Just as I am about to let him off the hook he slowly raises his eyes to mine.
I can see tears in his eyes and then he says something that melts my heart, “Daddy sounds a helluva lot better than Uncle Mac so if it’s all right with you that is how I want our child to know me.”
I try to control the sobs that come out of me at that moment, but it is impossible. All I can do is nod that I want our son or daughter to call him Daddy too. It is so much what I want. I hadn’t realized just how much.
“Listen Emily, this is a lot to process for both of us. It will take some time for us to get used to the idea of being parents. You must be about eight weeks pregnant right?” He asks, and I nod.
“How have you been feeling?”
“Sick and scared.” I manage to get out.
“I am sorry that you are going through this alone. We made this baby together and are both responsible and if I could be there I would, I hope you know that.”
“Thank you for not hating me Mac,” I tell him.
“OK let’s get a few things straight.” he says in a very serious tone. “You will never apologize for giving me a child Emily. This is a gift from God. I am just sorry that I can’t be there for you in person.”
“If you want, we can keep video chatting so you can see me get as big as a house.” I laugh with relief.
“Em, it doesn’t matter how much weight you gain, you will be the most beautiful woman to me,” he says with a smile.
And I start to cry again.
“Sorry, it’s the hormones. Thank you for making me feel better. I want you to know that you can be involved as much or as little as you want, no pressure.” I try to reassure him.
“Oh no way, I am in it all the way. I want to hear all about the cravings, doctor’s appointments and every milestone you have for the next seven months. Oh God, the birth. I will need to be there but how can we predict just when you will go into labor? I need to check on paternity leave, I need to look at my life insurance.” Mac is rambling now just like I did when it started to sink in. Then I see his face darken a bit.
“Mac, what is it?”
“I don’t know how much of a Dad I can be. I will not be able to retire for several more years and there are limited locations for me to be stationed. None of which are local. I don’t know how this will work.”
“Mac, we will take it one step at a time. You, me and the baby that is growing in my belly.” I say hoping he can see my hand on my stomach.
“Ok, one day at a time,” he says back.
We spend the next several minutes discussing how we are going to tell our fathers. We even laugh a little thinking about what Jackson would say. Mac is sure he would kill him if he were there, but I know that he would just want us to be happy. We decide that I will tell our Dads at the same time while hoping that Mac will be available. As we say our goodbyes, promising to talk again soon, I have to hold myself back from telling him that I love him. It seems like such a natural thing to say since I have loved him for years. Instead I tell him that I will email him a calendar of my appointments and see if we can work out some way for him to watch a live feed of the first ultrasound. We end the call hopeful for the future and maybe just a little scared of it too.
I can’t get over the news that I am going to be a father. Never in a million years did I think that Emily and I would ever sleep together let alone be parents to a child. It is surreal. I really don’t know how this is going to work. Emily and I should be able to co-parent as friends, but I won’t be around very much to help her.
I’m starting to doubt myself. Will this be fair to my child being an absent father? How could I let this happen to Emily, I was supposed to protect her not get her pregnant? I am such a mixture of emotions, having a baby with the one woman you have loved all your life is supposed to be a perfect thing.
What I wouldn’t give for her to be my wife and have this child as a couple the way it should be. But this isn’t that, Emily would never agree to it. She considers me her friend and she would be settling. I couldn’t do that to her.
The next day I told my Dad and Patrick about the baby. To say that they were stunned would be an understatement. Patrick could not stop smiling which was a little weird. He has always been like a second father to me. I would have thought he would have been more concerned that I was having a baby with his son.
My Dad on the other hand could not hide his doubts. He loves Mac like a son, but he knows that I will be doing this mostly by myself. I can understand why he feels the way he does, I am a little terrified. I know that Mac feels bad being away from me, I would never want to add to his stress. So instead, I put on a brave face and start to plan out a schedule for the next few months. I promised him that I would keep him updated on any appointments.
I am sitting at my kitchen table when my phone vibrates. It’s Chrissy.
Chrissy: I have to run over to Daniel’s house, I am going to swing by and see you.
Me: Ok, I am just getting ready to start dinner if you are hungry.
Chrissy: Be there in 30 minutes.
Me: K
Telling Chrissy about the baby could go two ways. One she is pissed that I did not tell her about the night I slept with Mac or two, she overlooks my secret and is over the moon that I am pregnant. There isn’t an in between with her when it comes to big news.
I start dinner, roast chicken and potatoes with salad. It is one of my favorite meals but lately it hasn’t soun
ded appealing. I hope I can get through this dinner without getting sick. A knock on the door brings me out of my thoughts. Chrissy walks in waving a bottle of wine. Yeah, that’s not happening.
“Hey you, I haven’t seen you in a few weeks. I was starting to get a complex,” she says with a laugh.
“Sorry, just been a little preoccupied. How’s Daniel?” I say changing the subject.
“He’s alright I guess. I just wish he would put himself out there and find a nice woman. I think he is scared to get involved since he has a child.”
I hadn’t thought about what happens after I have the baby. Will I ever date? Men will probably be turned off once they find out that I am a single mother.
“Oh, I am sure the right one will come along and will love Lucy the way he does.”
Getting up from the table I get the dinner out of the oven and we fix our plates in silence.
“I’m pregnant.” I blurt out.
Chrissy drops her fork and chokes on her food. Oops.
“Excuse me, what the hell did you just say?” She asks through her coughs.
I smile and repeat that I am having a baby.
“And who are you having this baby with?” Her eyes are narrowed.
“Well, you see…” I tease her.
“Jesus Christ Emily, if you don’t spit it out right now I am going to scream.”
“Mac.” I say simply.
Chrissy slams her hand on the table making me jump. “Mac, as in Sean MacAlister, the man who you have been in love with since you were a kid, the hot, sexy man who makes all other men look like boys? That Sean MacAlister?” I know it is a rhetorical question, but I still nod.
“Holy shit, when the hell did this happen and why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“I slept with him the night of the funeral, it isn’t something I am proud of and obviously I didn’t intend to get pregnant, so I didn’t say anything. I am sorry I kept it from you but until I found out about the baby, it was just something I was trying to forget.” I tell her even though there is no way I could ever forget that night.
“Ok, I get it but Jesus Emily, this is Mac not some random one-night stand and now you are going to have a baby with him.”
Suddenly, Chrissy starts to laugh hysterically, “This is karma and I have to believe that your brother had something to do with this.”
“What are you talking about? Jackson would have freaked out about this,” I say as I shake my head at her.
“Look, you brother wanted you to be happy. He loved you very much and he loved Mac like a brother. Why would he not want you two to be together?”
“Ok, this is why I was worried about telling you. You are a hopeless romantic and this baby is just your way of telling me that the stars are aligning for me and Mac. You have to remember that there is no me and Mac. We are not a couple and we will never be a couple. He has always seen me as his little sister.”
“Um, I think he moved past you being like his little sister the night you two got down and dirty.”
I roll my eyes at Chrissy. “You always have to make things so dramatic.”
“That’s why you love me,” she laughs.
During dinner we talk about how I have been feeling. I tell her about my weird cravings and how I cry at the drop of a hat. She was relieved to hear that Mac is all in on being a Dad, but not as relieved as I am.
Chrissy drinks some more wine and we make plans to go shopping for the baby’s room. I won’t be able to find out the baby’s gender for a few more weeks. Just as she is getting ready to leave my computer dings and I am getting a video chat notification. I rush her out the door and I sprint to my desk to answer. There he is.
There she is. God, she gets more beautiful each time I see her.
“Hi, I am not interrupting anything am I?”
“Nope. Chrissy and I had dinner together and she just left. I told her that she was going to be an aunt and she is very excited. I think we are going shopping in a few days just to get some ideas for the baby’s room.”
When she says it, I feel my heart ache. I should be there with her, shopping for our child.
“That’s a good idea.” I say, trying not to let on that I am upset because I am missing out on special moments already.
“I can’t buy anything gender specific yet since we won’t find out for a few more weeks what we are having.”
When Emily uses the word, we, it should make me feel good but instead I feel like I am abandoning her. I wonder how long it will take her to get tired of me being away before she starts looking for someone to fill the void. It will be over my dead body before I allow someone else to be a father to my child.
“When exactly can you find out the sex of the baby?”
“In about four more weeks. If you want, I can see what it would take to live stream the ultrasound to you.” she asks.
“We can try but I won’t really know if I will be available. Unfortunately, things are ramping up in a few places and I could get busy. Let me know that date and time and I will try to be in my apartment.” I say more non-committal than I intended.
“Ok, sure. I understand.” I can hear the disappointment in her voice. I have a feeling this will be the first of many disappointments that she has when it comes to me.
We end the call making a time to talk next week pending work. I look at the teddy bear that I bought for the baby and I wonder if the baby will look like me or Emily? Will he or she be short like her or tall like me? Then my benign thoughts turn to questions like, what will happen when Emily finds someone she wants to date? What if she falls and love and gets married? Will my child rather call him Daddy?
I tell myself to stop with the questions since there isn’t a thing I can do about it. Or maybe there is…
Tomorrow is the big day. We get to find out the sex of the baby. I gave Mac the information for the live stream of the ultrasound, but I am not sure he will be able to see it. The last few times I have spoken to him, he seemed different. He assured me that everything was ok, but I got the feeling that he is regretting the situation. The thought of that makes me sad.
I haven’t spoken to him in a few days, but I did get an email yesterday. He said that he is hopeful that the baby cooperates and shows us what he’s got or in case of a girl, what she doesn’t. The email was more positive than he had been in a few weeks.
When it is time for my appointment I pull into the parking lot. I check my phone to see if there is a message from Mac, there isn’t. I hope this works out and he is able to see the ultrasound. As I put my phone in my purse I hear my name.
It can’t be.
I turn around and it’s him. He is right here in the parking lot.
“Mac?”
“Hey Em,” he says with a smirk that makes me fall in love with him all over again.
I run into his arms and we almost fall over. I hug him as if he is my lifeline, and he whispers in my ear, “I am on leave for a few days. There was no way I was going to let you do this by yourself.”
I can’t believe he is here. Sobbing I nuzzle me face into his neck. He rubs my back and his touch calms my nerves. “I have missed you so much.” I managed to get out between my tears.
He takes my face in his hands, we are nose to nose. “Emily, everything is going to be ok. You are not alone in this. C’mon let’s go find out if we are having a boy or a girl.” He says with a smile that makes my girly parts go haywire. I better get a grip on my hormones or this is going to be a long few days.
We enter the doctor’s office and I register at the desk and find a chair. I look over at Mac who is sitting next to me and I am still in disbelief that he is here. He reaches for my hand and I lay my head on his shoulder. I feel so safe with him by my side, like nothing can hurt me.
“You don’t know how much it means to me that you are here Mac.”
“If it is half of how much it means to me that you are having my baby then it’s a lot.” He kisses my head. I don’t know what to say, it almos
t feels like we are an actual couple. Just as I am getting comfortable with this feeling, the nurse comes out and calls my name.
“Let’s go.” Mac stands and holds his hand out to me and I place my hand in his. I wonder if he feels the electricity that I feel every time he touches me. Mac places his hand on my lower back and ushers me into the exam room.
The ultrasound technician offers Mac a chair while I get situated on the examining table. “My name is Olivia and I am going be performing your ultrasound today. You are far enough along that if the baby cooperates we should be able to tell if baby Mills is a boy or a girl.”
“Baby MacAlister not Mills.” Mac says quickly, and it makes me smile.
I nod to the technician, “The baby is a MacAlister not a Mills.”
“All right then, let’s see what Baby MacAlister has to offer.” Olivia says.
As this picture of the baby comes up on the screen, I hear Mac gasp. I turn to look at him and he has tears in his eyes. “That’s our baby.” He says not taking his eyes off the screen.
“It sure is, we made him or her together.”
Olivia shows us the arms and legs, we can even make out the facial features. I think the baby looks like Mac.
“Baby MacAlister looks healthy, I can tell the sex if you want to know?” She asks us.
I look to Mac with a raised eyebrow and he knows that I am questioning whether he wants to know.
“Yes, please. We want to know the sex,” he tells Olivia.
“Ok, well if you look here you can see…” she starts but Mac cuts her off.
“It’s a boy. Look at that.” Standing up suddenly he yells pointing at the screen and I giggle. He looks so proud.
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