It was another Friday night and I, of course, had no plans. Our family had a silent dinner together that night. My mom made chicken stir-fry but left some out for me without the meat. I sat there quietly while I ate and only responded when spoken to but this was normal to them, so they never suspected a thing. I wasn’t exactly reeling to tell them the news that they had won, Jaden was finally gone from me and they could now rejoice. Caylie had a football game to cheer at that night and they were discussing how she should do her hair.
After I finished eating, I cleaned up my dishes and sat on the couch to watch the news. A short time later, Caylie came downstairs dressed in her cheerleading outfit, ready for the big game, and I found myself profoundly disgusted. Could it be any tighter or shorter for that matter? It was clearly inappropriate. Do schools no longer have standards anymore? They flip out about dress codes but they still allowed cheerleaders to dress this way. It was degrading and I was tired of all the hypocrisy of the world.
“You look adorable.” My mother was serene. I rolled my eyes and kept my opinions to myself. They engaged in conversation and I turned the volume on the TV up to drown them out. My dad was in the other room, dinking around on his computer I assumed. He was spending an awful lot of time in there lately, always alone. This was unusual behavior because before, he was always spending time with us as a family unit.
I have to admit that I wasn’t saddened by him becoming a loner because I didn’t have to look at his face. I was still finding it difficult being around him. My mind would always wander back to that night when he attacked me. I couldn’t shake it from my memory.
After Caylie left for the football game, it was silent inside the house. I hardly spoke a word to my mom while we watched TV together but I did lay a few on her while we were alone.
“Are you ever going to unground me?” I pleaded.
“I suppose. I just want to be sure you won’t be spending time with that boy.”
“I haven’t seen him all week, you don’t have to worry.” I lied but it was almost true.
“I don’t know. You’re doing so well right now and I don’t want that to change.”
“I’m going crazy in this house. I need to get out.”
“Do you want to go to the football game? I could drop you off.” I threw away that suggestion as quickly as she threw it at me.
“Mom, you know I hate sports.” She chuckled.
“How about some wine then?” I smirked and nodded my head. It was better than nothing. She left the room and soon returned with two glasses and a bottle of chardonnay. We watched Sleepless in Seattle and drank the entire bottle. It helped me relax and I was appreciative of the buzz. Unfortunately, though, watching the movie made my depression return after only a few minutes and I felt the aching in my heart like the characters in the movie. Jaden was still a stranger to me yet I always knew that we shared something deeper. Knowing that you belonged with someone but being unable to make that happen was my exact affliction. I liked to think we were meant to be together, like we were soul mates destined to return to each other at some point in time.
By the time the bottle was finished, my dad moseyed into the living room with new wrinkles under his eyes that I had never seen before. He looked completely wiped and I knew he was ready for bed. He taunted my mother and she grabbed onto his pull, following him upstairs for a less-than-passionate rendezvous. I disposed of the bottle and put the glasses in the sink. I grabbed a sweet treat from the cookie jar and went into the living room to finish the movie.
While I didn’t think I could endure another day without Jaden, an entire week came and went without a single response. I couldn’t believe he was banning me from his life. Didn’t he know my heart was breaking just by not hearing his voice?
Chad wasn’t any help in my quest for information either. I guess Jaden was still hoarding resentment toward him for what happened at the house but I didn’t blame him. Chad had definitely crossed a line for both of our comforts.
He met me at the library that weekend to finalize our speech. Everyone got an extension because it seemed all the others needed time to buy a clue. We sat at an oversized table together and jotted down notes, outlining our entire speech. Even in my best effort to keep things cheery, the miserableness I had buried managed to shine through.
“Things not good on the home front?” Chad intruded, sizing up my cause of gloom.
“Same as always. It’s hard to be happy when you’re stuck inside a box.”
He cleared his throat and lowered his brows in anticipation for something. “I never did apologize to you for that time in the shower,” he began but I held my hand up for him to stop. “I am sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“I could take a few guesses,” I smiled.
“It's no secret that I like you.” I grabbed my can of soda and took a sip, hoping to avoid an uncomfortable situation.
“You don't necessarily like me per se but you like the thrill of the hunt.”
“I don't think that's it this time,” he stressed and quickly moved on. “I still think it's a bad idea for you to date Jay. Even you told me he’s all over the place. He isn’t stable Mina. He never has been. I blame his dad but then again, his whole family was fucked up.”
“I know Jaden has issues, I think anyone who knows him is fully aware of that fact.”
“I guess but you saw when he attacked me, the look in his eyes. If it wasn’t for you, he might’ve killed me.” Chad leaned toward me with a brazen look in his eyes.
“I don’t believe he would truly hurt you. You two go back a long way.”
“Maybe not now but if this happened a few years ago, he wouldn’t have hesitated. He’s turned into this completely different person since he’s met you but I know it’s an act. He’s in such denial about himself that he’s tricked you into believing he’s a saint.”
“I know he’s not perfect. Nobody is.” Chad’s eyes danced to mine.
“If you knew who he was in the beginning, would you still have dated him?” I thought about his inquiry and couldn’t force a reply for fear of exposing myself as some abnormal girl with a death wish but I knew what my heart was telling me—undoubtedly, yes. I chose to veer our conversation in a new direction.
“Have you seen Jaden this weekend?” I slid my pen into the front pocket of my bag.
“No. I think he's still pissed at me. He's been avoiding me and he says I'm the immature one.” I laughed lightly but I wished he could’ve told me more. “Why, what is he doing now?”
“Like you don’t know.” I pushed my chair away from the table as I got up to leave but he held is hand out for me to stop.
“What?”
“You haven’t heard?” He shook his head. “He broke things off with me last week.” He fell back into his seat but then made a move to console me which is not the reaction I expected or needed so I blocked him off with my elbow.
“You must’ve done something pretty bad to piss him off.” His words were of little comfort and then I remembered how fuming Jaden’s words had been. “So what was it?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” He begged with his hands so I embellished the vague details. “I said some things to him that I shouldn’t have but I didn’t expect him to react the way he did. He was so callous. I haven’t spoken to him once since then and I’m worried about him. I miss him and it hurts knowing that he hates me.”
“I doubt that he hates you.”
“How can you be so confident?”
“Because we’ve talked about you in the past and from what I can tell, he’s pretty in love with you.”
“He is?” I was dumbfounded, standing there in the center of the library lobby, staring back at Chad like some ignoramus while he revealed this to me.
“That’s why I was so surprised when you told me he ended tings.” He turned to see my stunned expression and bit his lower lip. “Shit. I hope I didn’t ruin some big moment for you. I figured he would’ve told y
ou by now.” I felt the tear in my heart ripping a little farther.
“It’s okay. I think I knew all along but maybe you could do me a favor, though, in return.” He nodded. “If you see him, will you tell him that I’m sorry?”
“Sure but you should stop worrying, Mina. His hatred can’t last forever.”
“I hope you’re right.” He pulled me close and gave me a hug, assuming that I needed one. I allowed it since I was tired of only feeling sadness. “Thanks Chad.”
“I’m glad I could be there for you but just don’t let this slip out. It might ruin my reputation.” I laughed and we continued down the stairs. “Can I ask you something?” I nodded. “Before you moved here, had you ever heard of Shadow Heights?” I searched through my library of memories and came up short. “Don't you think that's odd? I mean, after all the fucked up things that have happened here, none of it ever made the news.”
“I guess, wait—how is that possible? Where is the media? Usually they jump all over stuff like this.” We stepped outside and a squally wind blew me into him but he caught me before I fell.
“Exactly. There’s a reason no one knows about this place.” It seemed Chad knew more than he let on while his eyes surveyed the land. “This town is very selective on its occupants and I never thought an actual family would consent to move here until yours came. It made me wonder what was happening outside of here that I didn’t know about.”
“Are you saying people are being held here against their will?”
“No,” he answered with a laugh. “We’ve all chosen this town as our place of residence and we can leave when we want but most people choose not to. My own family’s been here for generations, don’t ask me why. I’ve been dying to move out of here and move to the city. ”
“The city’s not so great, Chad.”
“Well, it’s gotta be better than this cornfield-infested prison.” He lit up a cigarette, blocking the wind with his hands, and held my arm as we walked down the stairs. “I always envied Jaden growing up, living in that mansion on the hill with all the money in the world but I could never understand why he never did anything with it. The sky’s the limit for him, I mean he can do anything and go anywhere in the world, get any girl he wants, but yet he's happy to live in the same house downtown and live this life without desiring something better.”
“I’m sure he desires something better but what choice does he have?” I knew the limits that had been placed on him and how he hated this restriction.
“Everything’s always been a game to him and he’s never taken things seriously. He grows his plants and tries to keep life civil here but nothing ever changes for him. Maybe that’s why he broke things off because he doesn’t want to change.” That was a confounding thought.
I had always thought of Jaden as the strong one in our relationship. Until that moment, I could never see how similar we were on the inside because I had been focusing on our differences. I had broken his trust and accused him of incredible things, but I knew love that strong didn’t go away in a moment’s notice. I decided to stop worrying like Chad suggested and ride the wave until he found his way back to me and in my heart, I somehow knew he would.
Chapter Thirty Five
As more days passed into the autumn without him, my hope was beginning to dwindle for any chance of recovery between us. Even though I hated that this was happening, it was his choice and who was I to fight it. Since his presence in my life was no longer a factor in my social life, I confessed to my family that we were through and my driving privileges were unsuspended for good. I thought that was a pretty quick turnaround and was irritated that my relationship was the sole cause of my imprisonment.
While my depression blues were still hanging around, popping in for an appearance late at night before bedtime, I was beginning to accept the change he had created and was beginning to blanket the idea that our relationship had ever happened. It was like the last couple months had been a dream. Had any of it happened? Who am I trying to kid? I’m miserable.
How could things have changed so drastically, so fast? I felt like I was becoming some type of life-size doll, emotionless and fake without a way to free myself. I continued to repress my feelings harder like compacted snow, denying that these passionate feelings were even real, but the memory of his voice was haunting me. It seemed that the harder I fought it, the stronger it came back to me—like a whip of despair.
Things seemed to be going better at home, though. All of the tension within my family had vanished into thin air and I was no longer drowning in guilt. No more invasions of my dreams by unexpected guests and run-ins with Jaden’s grandfather. In fact, I was glad to be rid of the stresses of that life. I was finally free from its terror but as bizarre as it was, a part of me was missing it...desperately.
But just as I was starting to adjust to this state of mind, the hands of destiny opened a doorway to test me and I ran into someone rather unexpectedly. It was a Friday afternoon and I pulled into my usual gas station. I had been using a different one on the opposite side of town because the other brought back too many memories. When I parked in a spot and stepped out, I noticed a black mustang with tinted windows parked a few feet over by the entrance. My heart fell to my stomach and the blood began to pulsate within my arms. At first, I thought about going somewhere else but I told myself to not worry and just go inside.
I slammed my door and walked through the convenience store, peering through the glass before going inside but I didn’t see him. I waved to the old guy behind the counter. I had talked to him many times now and he knew me well. I went around all of the aisles and turned left at the last one since I wanted something cold to drink.
As I turned around the corner, I saw a profile of black standing at one of the coolers near the end and I hesitated taking another step but he caught the movement out of the corner of his eye. Like sonar beams, he was on me and I tried not to be overwhelmed by the emotion of seeing him again. He was wearing jeans and a grey t-shirt, his face still as beautiful and hypnotic. His goatee had grown into a fuller beard but neatly trimmed in his meticulous manner. He seemed quite surprised to see me as well but I couldn’t tell if he was pleased or annoyed by my presence.
I saw an appetizing drink on the end and reached for the handle, feeling every travel his eyes made on my body. I grabbed a bottle of juice and closed the door, glancing over at him for a brief moment before revealing the heartache he was delivering just by being nearby.
I hurried to the front counter and asked for a pack of cigarettes. I heard his footsteps approaching behind me and I wanted nothing more than to get out of there. He sat a case of beer on the counter next to me and I refused to look over.
Luckily, the man behind the counter kept me immersed in conversation so I focused my attention on him instead of the burning sensation seeping into my body. I completed my transaction and politely said goodbye to both of them, hurrying out to the parking lot. A tear leaked out of the corner of my eye and I wiped it away. I hopped into my car and lit up a cigarette when I got inside. I backed out of there as fast as I could to avoid him but there was a little traffic jam going on in the parking lot so I had to wait a few minutes before moving.
I watched him through my glasses and the wind blew his hair around his face as he stepped outside. I found myself overtaken by his attendance again and the feeling of him tingled my chest with orgasmic delight. The car in front of me finally drove into a pump and I was free to leave. My tires squealed as I turned out of the gas station onto the road but I shook off my embarrassment on the drive back home.
As I was nearing my street, a mirage of black flew up behind me. At first I was scared. What was he trying to do? His front bumper was riding my tail and I didn’t think it wise to make any sudden movements. I drove a block past my house and turned into the high school parking lot, which I thought was appropriate since it had the most witnesses. The school day was over and the students were flooding the lot, trying to get home. He parked his
car next to mine and got out to confront me. I glanced over before getting out, trying to assess this new event. I opened my door and leaned against the frame. We stared at one another in silence like two strangers in an elevator but then his confidence returned.
“I’m glad you got your car back.” He continued to interrogate me with his eyes.
“Yeah, me too.” He took a drag from his cigarette and I looked him over. His arms looked bigger than before. Had he been working out? “Are you having a party tonight?”
“Nah. Ryan and I are drinking alone.”
“Oh.” I looked away and stared at the traffic passing by on the road. A gusty wind blew past us and his smell infiltrated my senses, knocking me back into my door. Just the smell of him made me weak in the knees and I wanted to hug him so badly.
“I’m really sorry Jaden.” I did my best at keeping composure as the words fell from my mouth. “I need you to forgive me. I miss you.”
“Do you think an apology is going to help?” The way he said this stammered me. “What you did was like a betrayal to me, so you have to understand that a slew of words isn’t going to change anything.” Tears formed in my eyes and I fought their inevitable trickle. “Can’t you see that it's better that we’re apart? I would've been the death of you.”
“I shouldn’t have accused you of anything and I know how wrong it was to do that. I was afraid to trust you because I’m afraid to trust anyone.” My face shifted to cover my sadness. “This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.”
He stood up straight and stepped into me. His hand braced my shoulder and for a second I was terrified. “You think it was easy for me? I’ve been in every bit of pain as you have.” He forced the words through clenched teeth, angry with himself for admitting it.
He grunted in an effort to stifle a scream so he didn’t disturb the troop of teenagers heading our way. The last thing he wanted was to cause another reason to enforce the imprint of his character. I reached for his hand but he wouldn’t take it.
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