by Carol Rose
Ignoring the familiar heat that curled through him when he thought of her, Caleb turned abruptly to leave. There were definite drawbacks to a vivid imagination. He could almost see her standing there in front of him, her pale hair curling around her face, her blue eyes wide with passion. He swore again. Even working constantly didn't erase the sweet taste of her on his tongue, or the treasuring way she had touched him.
Hell, at least guilt was productive.
Dammit, he'd only wanted to sleep with the woman, not add her to his load of regrets.
Turning the knob, Caleb shoved the door open and dropped lightly to the ground.
The sun came early to the summer days. It rode high now in the sky, heating the morning. And the space that had once been filled only by Julia's dream now held a very solid reality.
The front of the house rose prominently like the bow of a ship, its log walls jutting out in a vee to form what would be a glass-enclosed living room. On either side of the vee, the house extended into two wings. The master bedroom and bath occupied the far side and the two smaller bedrooms with their shared bath made up the opposite side. The kitchen and dining areas sat behind the living room, which was divided from them by an open fireplace. Tucked into the eaves above the kitchen was a cozy loft, its space intended for a study.
It was barely six o'clock, yet the day promised to be a scorcher.
Surveying the house, Caleb adjusted the cap on his head. Mentally calculating the steps necessary for the front deck, he reached inside the trailer for his tool belt.
He stopped in the act of fastening it. A strangely chilly breeze came through the warm air and curled along the back of his neck, raising tiny hairs.
He stood unmoving for a moment, testing out the shiver of awareness, a sensation of being pulled toward something just beyond his line of vision. He turned slowly away from the house.
And saw Julia.
The sky was the pure, clear blue of early morning, but the light beneath the trees surrounding the house was gray and thick. Hackberry and native pecan trees formed a dense fringe around the clearing, hedging the house.
The tree she was under, ten or twelve feet from where he stood, was thickly leaved and blocked out the brilliance of the sun.
Julia sat there in full view, so still that he hadn't been distracted from his study of the house by any movement.
She looked like hell. Her face was pale, providing little contrast to her tousled silver-blond hair. Even from this distance, he could see her eyes were dulled with exhaustion and the faint smudge of her mouth, just visible in her white face. Her blue linen skirt and soft blouse had probably been crisp twenty-four hours before.
The rock she sat on was barely big enough to raise her above the grass. She stared ahead, not reacting to his presence, her eyes brooding stonily on the shell of the unfinished house.
For a long minute, Caleb watched her from where he stood. Then, allowing the tool belt to drop to the ground, he walked quietly to where she sat.
In the past week, he hadn't been looking forward to their next meeting. She was too much temptation, only a liability while her lips kept forming the word, "no."
But now he saw only the anguish in her eyes.
Caleb approached her with care, like a man coming to a wounded animal. Assessing her, he noted the exhaustion in her face, the stiff, tense line of her shoulders. This was more than overwork. There was an emptiness in her eyes that set off a warning in his head.
Stopping, Caleb crouched down, balancing himself on the uneven ground. He was a mere foot away from her, but Julia made no move to acknowledge his presence.
"How's your night been?" he asked, gently and slowly. The clearing extended before them, warm in the morning sun. She took a deep breath and let a little of it out. The moment lengthened until he wondered if she was going to answer.
Finally, without turning her head, she responded. "It's been...long."
He hesitated before saying, "Tell me about it."
Despite her obvious exhaustion, she sat straight against the tree. "Sunrise always looks so damn hopeful, like all the trouble in the world went away with the darkness."
The bitterness in her voice was like a slow dying. Caleb restrained himself from pulling her into his arms. Determination showed in the set of her jaw, but her fatigue was evident.
"Sometimes I hate life." The words spilled out abruptly and were cut off. Her hands clenched in her lap.
"And this is what I've fought so hard for. To be a family doctor," she continued, her voice harsh and mocking. "The one who cures their rashes, their sore throats, delivers their babies. I get to be the one who first notices the bad signs--the lump in the breast, the untreated diabetes."
She bent forward to pluck viciously at the ragged grass. She didn't seem aware of the tears that traced silently over her cheeks, but Caleb felt them like sleet against his naked heart.
He moved closer. Something strange and indefinable was stirring in him. He'd looked into her eyes too many times, felt the brush of her passion too close. She was just a woman.
But somehow her touch ignited him, and made him want to slay dragons in a world where women no longer needed white knights. She needed him now. Now she sat beside him cracking into small pieces. Five years ago, the choices might have been different, but he'd changed his life long ago to escape the very emotions she was struggling with now.
There could be nothing permanent between them. She refused to act on the hunger they both felt. But, at this moment, none of that mattered.
"Remember how they tell you in med school that the family doctor is the lifeline?" Her voice was hard. "The only face patients recognize in an alien world. They turn to me when it's time to make a decision between all the options."
Scalding, impotent anger raged in her words and bit into Caleb's soul.
"Dammit, I got into this for the people, but I can't make it right for them. Not often enough."
"Tell me about it, Julia. Who couldn't you make it right for?" His voice was soft. Better than anyone, he knew her hurt, knew the rage vibrating in her.
"Her husband wanted me in the operating room. We worked for hours. I was there the whole time, assisting. But there wasn't any use. She was too far gone." Julia's head sank onto her hands. "I had to go out and face them afterwards. Her parents. Her husband. I had to tell them."
Her voice shook now, the tears spilling down. Angrily, she slammed a fist against her knee. "She was only twenty-eight. Dammit, I'm a doctor. I'm supposed to save people. Only this time I couldn't, none of us could. She died. Not eight hours after the accident, she died."
Julia dropped her head into her hands. "We did what we could. But there was too much damage."
She raised drowning blue eyes to Caleb's face, looking at him for the first time since he'd come to her. "She was so young. I saw her in the office a week ago. She wanted a baby."
Caleb moved then, shoving aside the memories her words evoked. His heart raw, he scooped Julia into his arms, easing onto the rock where she'd been sitting. Unresisting, Julia laid her head against him and cried. The night had been too long and too full of the unchangeable.
Cradling her against his chest, Caleb gently rocked her in his arms, and held back his own emotions. He knew this was the moment for reassurances, but the words were clogged in his throat. There was nothing he could say to her.
Around them the world stirred and woke. Oblivious, the sun rose higher into the sky and began to bake the Texas earth. Caleb held her. He murmured words of comfort softly against the crown of her silky head, her warmth easing his own need.
The sobs seemed wrenched from her, as if she were too weary to hold them in. She lay against him, shaking in a storm of tears, accepting his dictation of terms. If she had to suffer, then she'd do it in his arms. Somehow he had to offer Julia the very thing he couldn't find for himself.
CHAPTER FIVE
Julia felt Caleb's t-shirt damp against her cheek. A hiccupping breath shook her. His
body radiated warmth and she'd been cold too long. A shiver traced down her spine as the memory of the chill in the operating room flashed in her head. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
The dark fog of her emotions receded slowly, burned away by the glare of the sun and the warmth of Caleb surrounding her. Details filtered through to her consciousness. The silence rubbed against her already raw nerves and a paralyzing self-consciousness choked her suddenly.
She must look like hell. One of her shoes had come off, exposing a run in her hose. Her bottom was nestled against the hardness of muscled thighs.
Julia tilted her head up to meet his gaze...and found him staring down at her. His eyes were impossibly dark and serious.
After two days of living in her own personal hell--two days since her patient Sandy's death--Julia felt herself coming back to life. The misery receded gradually to a dull sense of sadness.
She opened her mouth to speak...and felt the brush of his mouth on hers. Softer than velvet, his tongue stroked along hers wiping out the bitter flavor of despair.
Slowly, Caleb kissed away the darkness, his mouth gentle and lazy. Kissed her like a woman who had done all she could to fight the dragon and deserved rainbows for the effort.
Shadows of should-have-beens faded beneath the sensation of his kiss. His fingers curled through her hair, balancing her head easily in his hands. She felt beautiful, protected, desired.
The warmth of his touch chased out the cold. She'd been drowning in a long, dreary spell without sun-light-he gave it back to her now with sweet intensity.
Whispering kisses along her temple, Caleb smoothed the tangled curls back from her forehead. But she kept in mind that he was the same cold-hearted devil who had provoked her passion, then walked away. A man who wanted only sex from her.
Caleb was the last man with whom she should feel safe. If she had been possessed of all her mental capacities, she'd have run in the opposite direction. But she didn't. Comfort was a precious commodity in life when you spent your life fighting for dreams.
Julia was tired of being strong. Sometimes, she wanted to be able to fall apart and have someone there to pick up the pieces. There were a dozen reasons not to trust him. But now, surrounded by his touch and his warmth, none of them mattered.
Still cradling her in his arms, Caleb rose to his feet and strode down the rutted drive. Weariness hit her in an overwhelming wave, stilling her protest against his actions. She couldn't even bring herself to care where he was taking her.
Julia slipped into half-consciousness. Caleb's hard shoulder pillowed her head as muzzy thoughts slipped past. She'd spent the last ten days counting every scathing thing to say to Caleb Hayden when she stopped avoiding him. Things about the danger of playing games with women who'd thought dreams were worth everything. Only none of that came to mind now.
He carried her easily the short distance down the road to where she'd left her car on the grassy shoulder. Tall weeds grew thickly in the culvert beside the road, brushing against her car. Caleb didn't bother going around to the passenger door. He just leaned in from the street side and deposited Julia into the car. Her bottom slid across the seat, and he was in the car beside her before she could blink.
Caleb rummaged around the floorboard, coming up with her slender purse. She was vaguely aware of him flipping open the catch and sifting through it. He found the car keys and turned to clip her seat belt in place before fastening his own.
Julia lay back against the seat, weak from the impact of another wave of fatigue. How long had it been since she slept last? The ICU nurse had called her at three in the morning.... Was it yesterday or the day before?
She let her eyelids drift shut as the car rumbled responsively to life. Her brain felt so clouded and con-fused that it hurt to think.
The car engine droned on. Julia felt her body sag with the swaying of the car. She felt the car stop and heard Caleb getting out, coming around to her door. Julia lifted her head groggily, recognizing her apartment complex as he reached to hoist her out of the car.
With apparent ease, Caleb cradled her again. The apartment door was open a minute later, her keys still in his hand, as Caleb carried her into her bedroom without hesitation.
Sitting her on the bed, he didn't give the room even a glance. He opened several drawers before plucking a nightie from the drawer and dropping it beside her on the bed.
"Get into this in the next two minutes or I'm coming back to help." He pivoted on his heel and walked out. Moving in slow motion, Julia kicked off her low-heeled pumps and began unbuttoning her blouse. Out in the living room she could hear Caleb on the phone. Somehow he'd located her office number and was tersely informing her receptionist to cancel all Julia's appointments for the day. She was staying home.
Julia smiled faintly. He must think she was really falling apart on him. She lay back on the bed, her muscles so geared for endurance that they felt like concrete. She couldn't cancel the whole day's schedule, though. She'd missed yesterday's patients already and she thought there was a hospital meeting at two o'clock. She'd have to make that before seeing the afternoon patients. The hospital rounds could wait till this evening.
Caleb came back into the bedroom. She felt his gaze flash over her lightning fast, taking in the half-unbuttoned blouse.
He reached down to finish the job. Julia stared up with unfocused eyes. The blouse was skimmed out from under her. He unfastened the waistband of her skirt and lowered the zipper.
She lifted her head, a vague protest forming somewhere in the region of her throat. The words never made it out.
Grasping the hem of her skirt, Caleb gave a gentle tug, tossing her backwards on the bed, the skirt ending up around her ankles. One more pull and her legs were out.
Julia lay flat out across the brass bedstead in her bra, hose and panties feeling a wisp of thankfulness that her mother had taught her never to wear holey underwear. Two fingers slipped beneath the waistband of her hose as Caleb skinned them off with ease.
Gently, Caleb took hold of her shoulders and sat her up. Julia shivered at the touch of his warm hands in the air-conditioned coolness of the bedroom. Reaching around, he unhooked her bra with one hand.
Julia's eyes drifted shut again. Her bra slipped from her shoulders and before she knew it, the coolness of silk settled over her shoulders. With an almost business-like detachment, Caleb lifted the gown enough to extricate her bra and then threaded both her arms through the short puffed sleeves.
He held her up with one hand as he tugged the bed sheets down. A second later, she sank into the pillow. Julia felt him tuck her feet under the sheets and didn't move as he pulled them up over her. Leaning over the bed, his breath tickled softly through the hair near her ear.
"You are to stay in this bed," he growled. "Forget about the damned patients and get some sleep. And when you do get out of bed--not before four o'clock this afternoon—you are to eat something. All this bleeding-heart stuff burns up calories.”
“Yessir,” Julia murmured. He gave orders like a God-almighty physician. How could she have missed that clue?
“Don’t be a smart mouth.” He leaned closer and dropped a kiss onto her temple. “Get some sleep.”
“Mmmmm.” Julia sank into oblivion as the front door shut quietly behind him.
*
His teeth clenched, Caleb stared ahead. It was over and done with. Remembering couldn't change a thing. He shook his head angrily as he drove Julia's car, hurtling over the country roads. But the images in his head didn't waver.
His fingers gripped the wheel. Erin had loved him, clung to him despite his own uncertainty about his feelings. And he'd killed her as surely as if he'd shot her.
Dammit, he couldn't do anything to change the past now. But he could have then. Maybe. If he hadn't been so caught up in his own doubts about their relationship, Erin would be alive.
If he hadn't been so blinded by emotion.
Caleb stared at the road ahead grimly. He should hav
e turned and run the instant he'd seen Julia's empty eyes and white face. She could have been his mirror image two years ago. He'd known-known, dammit, from the minute he'd seen her! He had instantly recognized the face of someone who had seen death come a little too close.
The only way to survive in the medical profession was not to get too involved, Caleb reminded himself. You couldn't, shouldn't, ever care very much. Or you ended up empty from grieving over an endless string of losses.
Only sometimes the feelings went deeper than grief. Julia's self-blame hadn't surprised him. He'd almost been waiting for it.
All those years in medical school gave doctors a power that was sometimes illusory. Life-threatening diseases could be conquered with the magic of medicine, but there was no forgiveness when the magic didn't work, and all the medical knowledge in the world meant nothing.
Never in a hundred years would he face it again. He'd walked out of Erin's hospital room determined to wash himself clean of the claustrophobic smell of death.. and failure. Never again would he put himself in that position. He'd never again hold the weight of a suffering soul's last breath.
He'd failed Erin in so many ways.
Damn Julia for bringing the nightmare to him, all over again.
*
Julia walked through her house, unable to believe the progress. Her dream home was coming to life before her eyes.
Although she'd been here for ten minutes, Caleb was nowhere in sight. She hadn't seen him since the day a week ago when he'd found her huddled outside his trailer, lost in rage and grief.
Julia blushed every time she remembered him stripping her clothes off and tucking her in to bed. The memory brought embarrassment and an even more disturbing feeling--never in her life had she felt more cherished.
And by Caleb of all people, the man determined not to care.
She rounded the hall corner, running headlong into a solid chunk of male muscle.
"Whoa." Caleb steadied her.
"Sorry," she said, smiling up at him.
His hand dropped. "How are you?"
"Good," Julia assured him. "I've just been going through the house. Everything looks so wonderful."