by Carol Rose
Julia scurried to the front door. She couldn't see him now, couldn't let him see her right now.
With an almost hunted sensation, she crossed the deck and flew down the steps. She had to get to her car, had to get away from him. Somewhere there was a corner, a place to hide her grief until she could come to grips with it.
Caleb didn't love her, wouldn't let himself love her, and at this moment, the pain of knowing that seemed more unbearable than death.
Getting into her car, Julia drove away, glancing behind her. She drove to her apartment automatically. Parking her car, she walked inside, scrupulously locking the door behind her.
Finding herself in the tiny kitchen, Julia began unloading every piece of crockery from the cabinets, every plate and bowl.
Suddenly, she was furious.
One by one, Julia flung the plates to the floor, the growing pile of shards crunching under her feet.
How dare he! Crash.
The sleazy, sex-obsessed jerk! Smash.
All along, he'd just wanted to get into her pants!
Two more plates hit the floor, shattering, pieces bouncing off the cabinets and her legs.
Devious! Seductive! Bastard!
The breakage of crockery punctuated every epithet. He must have walked away from her that night after his parents' barbecue just to get her hooked. It was all a sick, sick game to him!
A coffee cup bounced off the pile and rolled to one side, intact Julia picked it up and heaved it down again, where it shattered against the floor, the handle bouncing off her leg.
He was a liar, a cheat, a...lousy jerk.
She leaned against the countertop, sobs wrenching her body. Caleb had walked into her life, snagging her heart like a thief.
He'd rescued her from a mud puddle, comforted and understood her. Set her up to love him and then taken a piece of her soul. And planned to leave all along. How could he not love her?
Sliding down to the floor, Julia leaned her head back against a cabinet, ignoring the broken crockery all around her.
Okay, she admitted dully. He hadn't lied to her. Not really. He'd never promised her anything but good sex and that was a guarantee he'd more than fulfilled.
Only for her it had meant so much more.
And to him, too, her tired brain insisted.
Julia scrubbed a hand across her swollen eyes. From that first night when he could have stayed with her and didn't, she'd known there was more to Caleb than he gave himself credit for.
He had rescued her. Comforted her. Touched her with a soul-deep power that went beyond the hunger of their bodies.
Maybe she had been right about him all along. Maybe he was a good man traumatized by the past. Except, perhaps, he wasn't as close to forgiving himself as she'd hoped.
With a deep sigh, she leaned her head back against the cabinet. He might care for her on some level, but that didn't change much. If Caleb was still running from his unhappy memories, they had no future.
No one could heal a heart that wouldn't be mended. Even if he loved her, Caleb wouldn't let himself be happy.
And that made her angrier than she'd ever been in her life.
She felt cheated, tantalized by the promise of heaven, just close enough to know how far away it was. Caleb had told himself he couldn't love. She knew he was afraid.
*
Caleb hung his towel over the shower curtain rod and stepped naked into the trailer's sleeping area. The day had been hot and long, the temperature building each day as July slid into August.
In a few weeks, the job would be complete and he'd have no more excuses for staying. Alaska would be cooler, but he couldn't find any enthusiasm for going there.
It was away, that's all. One more stop in the life he'd chosen. One more place to go.
But tonight, he'd lie with Julia, make love to her luscious, soft body and sleep, soothed by her serenity.
How amazing that he'd found an oasis of peace with this woman, a doctor of all people.
Dressing quickly, he envisioned her waiting for him at her apartment. She'd have changed into shorts, her slim legs and feet bare. Caleb felt his pulse quickening in anticipation.
Maybe they'd make love first, then order in Chinese food and lie naked on her bed to eat.
She'd tell him about her day, about the patients she'd seen.
He'd almost gotten used to it, the recital of things medical. Not that she talked about the procedures much. Julia saw her patients as people. She talked about them.
In a bizarre way, he'd come to look forward to hearing her talk about her life as a physician. Almost like an ex-smoker enjoying the occasional puff from someone else's cigarette. You knew you'd quit, that you weren't going back. It was bad for him. Deadly. But he inhaled it just the same, feeling both fulfillment and a craving for more.
He'd loved being a doctor, loved indulging his fascination for the workings of the human body. But all that was behind him.
Enjoying this moment in time was okay, as long as he knew it would end. He'd soak up every second of loving, every stolen fraction of happiness. And then he'd leave.
Caleb was threading a belt around his waist when he heard the knock on the trailer door.
He frowned. His men had left over a half hour ago. Opening the door, he saw Julia standing there.
"Hey. Come on in. I thought I was coming to your place. "
She climbed the step and brushed past him wordlessly.
Perplexed, Caleb turned, studying her. She looked pale, her face set. Were her eyes pink? She'd been crying?
"Did you have another death?" he asked, the words out before he knew it.
She looked up at him, the rigid set to her jaw unfamiliar. "No. Not unless you count the death of my illusions. "
"What?"
"Dan told me about the Alaska job."
Caleb felt himself turning to rock, his body instantly tight. So she knew. It hadn't been a secret, nothing to be kept quiet, but he found himself wanting to strangle Dan.
"Oh.” Caleb watched her, now seeing the anger and hurt in her face, in the stiffness of her body. Guilt stabbed him, harsh and gut-wrenching. He shouldn't have taken what she'd offered, shouldn't have allowed this to happen.
And yet even as the thought surfaced, he knew he couldn't have resisted. She'd offered too much, everything he'd needed for so long, so much he'd never had.
Like an unrepentant sinner, he still wanted her, still needed the heat, the warmth she held. Even now, he just wanted to take her into his arms and hold her.
"Why don't you sit down," Julia suggested, clearly not interested in his affection.
Caleb sat. It was the least he could do after robbing the woman of her virginity and bruising her heart.
"I have some things I need to say." Her voice was calm, but her face seemed devoid of expression.
Still, Caleb found himself hoping that her lack of emotion meant he'd only brushed the surface. Maybe she wouldn't hurt too long, wouldn't hate him much.
"I love you," she said, the words thrown out like a challenge, echoing in the trailer's tin-can space. "More than I've ever loved anyone."
Loved him?
All he could do was look at her, a sudden upwelling of real feeling in his chest. Anger, resentment, denial, guilt...and the tiniest surge of joy.
Caleb swiftly squelched it. He'd done enough damage.
Hearing her actually speak the words left him shaken. He'd known, of course, that she was headed in this direction. Why else would he have tried to warn her off? But she'd stepped into the fire, heedlessly offering him her body, her closeness.
He'd taken it, too lonely to care about morals. He'd slept with her, woken with her, taken everything she'd offered for the last two weeks...and had fully planned on taking from her as long as she'd let him.
Until he left.
"I love you and I think you're an idiot and a fool," she said deliberately. "You are a stubborn, selfish, unhappy man."
He didn't have a right to the
surge of frustration that rose in him, the simmer of anger, but the feelings were there anyway.
"How many times did I try to tell you that?" Caleb asked.
"Oh, that's a good defense," she retorted sarcastically. "Just tell everyone that you're a worthless SOB and that lets you off the hook for all subsequent jerk behavior?"
Caleb clenched his teeth against the retort that rose in his throat. She didn't understand.
Julia paced the small area. "I realize you made me no promises. But I'm not walking away without saying a few things."
She was walking away. Of course, she would have to. That was what he'd wanted, known she needed to do, long ago.
"For whatever reason, you're determined to destroy yourself," Julia said. She drew a deep breath, seeming to fight for composure. "You're all mixed up and somehow my being with you is only making it worse. I thought you'd begun to see it, these last few weeks, but you haven't."
"See what?" he asked, his voice husky.
"See what you're doing to yourself," she said, frustration coating her words. "That whole nightmare in your past, Erin's death. You turned your life upside down, gave up a career you had put your whole life into, all because of a fluke."
"She died, Julia," he said between gritted teeth.
"Yes, she did. Because she had a congenital heart problem! What were the chances of that? The odds were greater that you were right about her. Panic does cause all those symptoms. People do have panic attacks when a relationship ends."
"If I'd been less interested in getting rid of her, I'd have realized she had a real complaint."
Julia shook her head. "Erin died because of an unusual cardiac condition that no one knew about, and so you've decided you can't love anyone, can't let anyone love you."
Caleb closed his eyes briefly. "Erin's death just showed me how inadequate I am in that area. This...with you...proves it."
"No," Julia said sharply, her voice rising. "This is a result of me being overly hopeful. You're only inadequate in the courage department. You had a crummy relationship; she died through no fault of yours and now you're running scared because you don't want to feel anything for a woman ever again."
Bitterness surged up in him. "It's easy for you to dismiss her death. You weren't the one who let her down."
Julia looked at him, her face both sad and angry. Caleb felt his own wrath deflating, shifting into a dark recognition. “Just like I'm letting you down now."
"Wait a minute, Caleb." Julia's finger stabbed the air. "I am not in line to climb on your back and be carried around with all your other regrets. I don't know if you ever loved Erin, but I happen to know that life is what we make it. No one is inherently flawed or unable to change. You were dishonest with Erin and now you're being dishonest again."
"I agree," he said, suddenly bone tired.
"No," Julia said, shaking her head. "You didn't lie to me. Just to yourself. You're cheating yourself out of a career you loved, and cheating yourself out of being loved."
He looked at her, struggling with an anger he knew he didn't deserve to feel.
She was wrong, all wrong.
"Don't add me to your list of martyred girlfriends." She lifted her chin, the movement rippling her silver-blond hair. "I will survive this. I'll get beyond it somehow. You, though, you'll carry it with you always because we could have been happy."
He started to speak, stopping when she raised her hand.
"You aren't responsible for me because I love you," Julia declared fiercely. "Make sure you understand. If you feel bad, if you suffer because of us, it's because of your love. Because of what you feel."
Caleb stared at her, not knowing how to help her see.
He'd never been able to love a woman, not really. It was his desperate struggle to get away from Erin that had clouded his judgment and cost Erin her life. How could he risk that again?
"You have to make your own choices," Julia said. "I love you, but I'm not going to watch you running away from yourself."
He couldn't stand to see her go. If he kissed her now, Caleb wondered, would she melt in his arms? Probably not. Julia stood looking at him, steel in her eyes. He'd known she was a strong woman, but he'd never seen her this ... determined.
"Drop the house keys by my office when you're finished," she said, her hand on the door. "I want you to leave me alone. Whatever this thing is between us, it's over."
Caleb watched her leave, struggling against the urge to go after her. There was nothing to say, no way to make it right.
But he wanted her, wanted to erase the pain in her eyes.
He couldn't believe she was walking away from him. Just like that. Leave the keys at her office?
Rage surged up in him. How could she think he didn't want things to be different? Accuse him of running? His leaving was more to protect her than himself.
If he stayed, kept taking her love, Julia would only suffer more in the long run. Somewhere down the line, she'd need something from him and he wouldn't be able to give it.
She'd lived in a sheltered world. First the tender adolescent yearnings of her romance with what's-his-name, and then the hallowed halls of medicine.
No way Julia could understand everything he grappled with. She hadn't lived through his hell. He'd have done a lot to deserve a permanent home. Julia's love. It just couldn't be.
A scene flashed in his head. Erin lying pale and weak on the hospital bed, tubes running into her, monitors beeping. Dying because of him. If his mind had been so clouded by his mild affection for her, how much more so would his judgment be with Julia for whom he felt ... everything?
How much of her angry denunciation stemmed from the discovery that he wouldn't be going back to medicine?
The thought streaked through Caleb's mind. She'd mentioned his being a doctor. Had she somehow convinced herself that he could go back? Had Sam Goldstein's offer, as well-meant as it was foolish, made Julia think he'd even consider going back? Maybe her sudden disillusionment had as much to do with that as with his inability to love.
Suddenly, Caleb was angrier than he'd ever been. She'd said she loved him, but she just wanted him to fit into her own plans.
*
Shadows deepened under the pecan and hackberry trees. The sound of cicadas rose, swelling around Caleb like a rusty chorus. He'd been sitting so still in the gloom on the veranda that the night animals had started stirring around him.
The nocturnal activity ceased as a car engine idled up the driveway, the glare of headlights splashed within inches of Caleb's boots. He watched motionless in the dark as the car and its headlights were turned off.
Julia got out and walked across the dusty yard, her head bent. Moonlight glimmered on her light hair. The heels of her shoes on the veranda sounded loud in the darkness.
Fumbling in her purse, she drew out a key, the key he'd dropped by her office earlier that day as she'd instructed.
Silently, he watched as she moved to fit it into the door that led to the living room. Finding the keyhole in the blackness of a country night would be difficult, Caleb knew. He was sitting six feet from her and she didn't even know it.
The anger that formed in Caleb's chest when she'd left his trailer two weeks ago was still there in him, iron-heavy. He was damned if her opinion of him mattered. He was furious with her.
All along he'd given himself hell for using her. All along she'd been using him, trying to maneuver him back into medicine.
In the past days, the August heat had built toward a scorching level that had nothing on the fire smoldering in him. And all week he'd remembered Julia curled up next to him, bare as the day she was born. Every morning he'd woken so close to her that he'd only had to lean down and stroke his tongue along the delectable curve of her shoulder to taste her sweetness. She had looked loved. Thoroughly and completely.
But she'd been conniving to seduce him back into hell. There wasn't any future for him. She was the path to self-destruction. But, at this moment, he couldn't care
less.
Something drove him. On the last night that they'd made love, the crumpled sheet had lain across the smooth swell of her hip, dark against the moonlight of her skin. Peaked with pale, pink tips, her breasts looked irresistible.
He could still feel their fullness, tight with arousal, in his hands, and the enclosing heat of her body welcoming his.
All along he'd thought her an innocent, a woman caught in the whirlpool that was his life. But in the days since her denunciation, he'd begun to think her more deliberate.
Since the afternoon when he first touched her, that sun-gilded day in May, he'd been consumed by twin desires: a passionate hunger for her and the horrible certainty that in following his lust, he'd hurt her.
He'd thought he was the only seducer, but he'd been wrong.
Julia knew better than to let him into her life.
He'd warned her, told her the kind of man he was. Made her no promises, as she herself admitted. Still, she'd opened her door and her body to him.
Given him her virginity. That much was true, but he couldn't understand it.
She'd given herself to him. Only she'd had expectations. She'd thought to mold him into the man she wanted. Thought to twist him into someone he could no longer be.
He was leaving, shaking the dust of this hillside off his feet. But first he had to say goodbye to the woman who'd managed to resurrect his soul, just enough to leave him aching for what he couldn't have.
*
Julia slid the key into the lock with relief. Every part of her body ached with confusion. She was exhausted but she knew sleep was far away.
Caleb had dropped off the keys and gone, she had to assume. The spot previously occupied by his trailer was empty.
The wood of the polished door was smooth beneath her hand as she pushed it open. The raw smells of a new home tickled her nose. Carpet stretched out under her feet. In the dark, she couldn't make out color, but its softness blanketed a room that had previously echoed from the hard, bare floor.
Strong emotion welled up in her as she walked into the living areas. Years of dreams had come to fruition and now mocked her. Dark beams soared above her, strong and sure, a sharp contrast to the self-doubts that hounded her.