“How do you figure that?”
“Let’s see, I’ve known you a little more than a week and you’ve cooked, advised and babysat for me. What have I done for you?”
“Made me laugh.” His honesty drew the response from her before she had a chance to think about what she was saying. Sitting on the floor with him, their faces only a foot or so apart, Dana felt the weekend of hurt feelings fade away. “I’ve never spent time with someone like you, Josh.”
She stopped. If he didn’t see what a nerd she was, she sure as hell wasn’t going to point the fact out to him.
Or, maybe he did and didn’t care.
He could just be sparing her feelings.
He was staring at her. Which left her words hanging between them, making her uncomfortable.
Completely out of character, Little Guy was quietly watching Lindy Lu, creeping up on her one paw at a time. In return, the outgoing little pup batted at the air with her front paw.
“You don’t bore me,” Dana said, because someone had to say something to break the silence. Josh’s eyebrow quirked in that way that made her stomach dance. “I know that’s probably a horrible thing to say, but I get bored easily and I don’t with you.”
She was making it worse, not better. “If it would make you feel any better, I could start asking you for favors.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know.” Other than to make love to her again, which she definitely was not going to ask. She wanted him to be so hot for her he couldn’t control himself around her. To need her as badly as she’d imagined he had the other night.
What she didn’t want was charity. Of any kind.
“See, that’s what I mean.”
“You could carve the turkey for me on Thanksgiving. I hate carving the turkey.” Jerome had already offered. She hadn’t responded to him one way or the other. And then it hit her...
“I know what you could do,” she said, the idea growing on her.
“You name it.”
He wanted to be friends with her. If Dana hadn’t been flying so high at the realization, she’d have warned herself to take things in stride.
She told him about Jerome. About his family and friends far away in Missouri, and his financial situation. About letting him do his laundry at her place.
“I’m afraid he’s developing...an attachment to me,” she told Josh. It was something she’d been trying, with increasing difficulty, not to worry about. “He’s coming over for Thanksgiving and I’ve suggested several times that he bring a friend or a date, but he keeps saying there’s no one. He’s been stopping by and calling more and more often lately, and I’m... I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but he’s a kid! And I know, if he is feeling things like I’m pretty sure he is, it’s just because he’s homesick and I probably remind him of his mother or something, you know a transference thing, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings and...”
She was rambling again. What if Josh turned her down?
Burning with humiliation, she stopped talking.
“You want me to pretend that you and I have a thing...to let him down lightly?”
He didn’t sound horrified. And wasn’t laughing.
“I was actually just thinking that if I could introduce you to him, say, Tuesday when he’s coming over for me to iron his shirt again before his next job interview...”
“You iron his shirts?”
“He scorched the first one trying to do it himself. He’s only got one more and he can’t even afford to do his laundry right now, let alone buy a new dress shirt. He’s the oldest in his family and I get the idea that his family is sacrificing a ton so that he can get a Montford education. He’s really smart.”
Josh was listening—his focus seemed to be one hundred percent on her. And she realized it always was. And that was one of the things he did for her. When she was around Josh she felt valuable. It was as though, when he looked at her, he saw someone different than she saw when she looked in the mirror.
It was probably just a talent of his. He probably made every woman he talked to feel like a million bucks.
“I just don’t want things to get so awkward between us that he can’t still come over to do his laundry,” she said, finishing more slowly.
“What time is he going to be here on Tuesday?”
“We didn’t set a time, but if things go as they have been, he’s going to show up in time for me to invite him to stay for dinner.”
“How about if you bring L.G. home with you after your afternoon visit on Tuesday and I’ll just head over here after work.”
Dana felt like her insides were smiling at his inference that she would still be caring for Little Guy. It was a good idea. At least until the puppy was house-trained. She liked the break in her day. And if she was going to be honest with herself, she’d admit that she liked visiting Josh’s home every day. It made her feel closer to him. “Unless you were hoping I’d head off dinner,” Josh added.
“No! Your plan is perfect,” she said. “I don’t think we’ll have to say anything to Jerome—he’ll get the message. Before he actually tries something and I end up losing him as a friend.”
“Sounds to me like he’d be the one losing out. He uses your washer and dryer, you iron his shirts for him... What does he do for you?”
Hadn’t she just heard him say pretty much the same thing a second ago? In reference to him?
Lindy Lu had curled up into a ball against Dana’s thigh and was sound asleep. Little Guy lay just inches away, fully alert, watching the pup.
“I don’t keep accounts with my friends,” she said, hoping she didn’t offend him. But if he didn’t like her, then there was no point in caring what he thought. “I’m not used to that way of thinking, and frankly, I’m not even sure if it’s healthy.”
He blinked. But stayed on her floor, as though he was perfectly at home there. “If you don’t pay attention, it’s easy to blow through life only thinking of yourself. At least for some of us. Clearly you don’t have that problem.”
Things had just changed between them again. His tone of voice was different. Something important was happening. She just didn’t know what.
“You think you have that problem, Josh?” The guy let a puppy turn his world upside down.
“Let’s just say that I’m on a mission to not have that problem anymore.”
He’d been through something pretty bad, that much was obvious to her. Had been from the first time she’d looked in his eyes.
“You want to talk about it?”
“No. I just want to make absolutely sure that you don’t pay for my thoughtlessness. I won’t be the guy who takes and doesn’t give back. And the only way I can be certain that I keep my word is to keep accounts.”
Made sense. In a guy sort of way. But she still thought he was missing the boat somehow.
“Doing for people comes naturally out of caring about them,” she said aloud when she really thought she should have held her tongue.
He sat up. “Maybe that’s the problem, then. Maybe I don’t care about anyone but myself.”
“You don’t believe that.” She watched as he stood, stretched and looked around the room. “Do you, Josh?”
When he turned toward her, she saw an expression in his eyes she didn’t recognize. “I don’t know what I think,” he said. “But I know I had sex with you the other night without giving any thought to your safety or emotional state. And then I made matters worse by slapping you with the fact that, with me, there can be no commitment. I took zero care with your feelings in that situation.”
“I can’t argue with you there,” she said. Because it was true, to a point. “But what happened Thursday night was as much my fault as it was yours, Josh. We equally allowed what happened between us.”
“But you were gi
ving more than I was, weren’t you?”
“I don’t know what you’re asking,” she said, when she knew full well. And she didn’t appreciate him asking.
Josh sat back down on the floor, directly across from her, resting his weight on his hands behind him. “Yes, you do, and it’s not a bad thing, Dana. It’s a great thing. You are so much more of a person than I am, so far above me I can’t hope to catch up. Because whether you’re having sex or ironing a shirt, your heart is open and giving. I’m not sure I have a heart to open.”
Someone had done a real number on this guy.
“Of course you do, Josh. Everyone does.”
“My receptors are misdirected,” he told her.
“Your perceptions might be a tad off,” she rebutted.
“I had intimate relations with you without even asking if you were in a relationship.”
“And if I was, that cross would be mine to bear as I would have been the one being unfaithful.”
“So, you’re not involved with anyone?”
“No. For the record, if I had been, nothing would have happened. I don’t do that kind of thing.”
“But you have had other guys...”
“Yes.” He’d have been able to tell that, she was sure.
“Anyone here in town?”
“No,” she said. And because she saw no reason to withhold the information he was so clearly fishing for, she said, “I dated a guy in high school. We met up again a couple of years later and were together for about six months. He was my first. It was quite uneventful, I have to say, which is probably why we didn’t last long.”
“My first time wasn’t that great, either,” he said with a grin. “It was all about me, of course, and lasted about thirty seconds.”
She was still envious of the woman. Whoever she was.
“I was only ever with one other guy,” she told him now. “And I didn’t sleep with him until after we were engaged.”
“You were engaged?”
Rubbing Lindy Lu’s ear between her fingers, she nodded. “Unfortunately.”
“Why do you say it like that?”
“Because it wasn’t right.”
“What does that mean, it wasn’t right? Why did you agree to marry him?”
“My stepfather and Keith’s father were lodge buddies, you know the kind of friends who’d do anything for each other and always put each other first type of thing.”
She’d make it brief. Give him just enough to understand where she was coming from so they could move on.
Because it sounded as if they were really going to be friends. And she wanted that. Badly.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
“YOU GOT ENGAGED because your stepfather was friends with the guy’s father?” Josh asked. Nudging L.G. with the tip of his shoe, he moved so together they formed a diamond—his legs to Dana’s legs—to keep the puppies contained.
“I know, it seems crazy now,” Dana was saying. “Some days I can’t believe it, either. But at the time...”
“At the time, what?”
“Life seemed much smaller then,” she said slowly. “With fewer possibilities.”
“So you settled?” It didn’t sound like the Dana he knew at all. But then, maybe he didn’t know her as well as he thought he did.
“No, I did what I thought was best.”
“Best for you?” Somehow he didn’t think so.
“Best for everyone.”
Her puppy woke up and stretched. She seemed quite content, cuddled up next to Dana’s thigh. The puppy trusted her.
And so did he.
“Best how?” He was pushing.
“My stepfather owns a chain of furniture stores in Indiana,” she said. “I worked for the family business. My mom still does. My stepfather was a good provider, a loyal, responsible, reliable man.”
There was a note in her voice he couldn’t make out. “Sounds like a good man.”
“He is a good man.”
He wasn’t sure he’d say that about his old man. “You’re lucky,” he said out loud, ducking mentally. Dana was the farthest thing from Boston society. There was no danger in speaking with her.
But after a lifetime of being taught that he had to keep up appearances...
“You don’t get along with your father?” she asked.
“I got along with him just fine.” Until they’d quit speaking a few weeks ago. “I just knew that to get along I had to provide certain things, stay within certain boundaries, and so I did.”
“Isn’t it that way with all kids and their parents?”
He shrugged. He’d already said more than he should have. “Probably. My father screwed around on my mother. Discreetly, of course, but I knew.”
“Did your mother know?”
“I have no idea.”
“You didn’t tell her.”
“It’s not something we’d discuss.”
“You weren’t close to her, either?”
“I’m closer to her than I’ve ever been to anyone in my life.” Still, he hadn’t been there for her when he should have been. His closest relationship, he was beginning to understand, maybe his only real relationship, had been with himself.
“What about siblings?”
“I don’t have any. How about you?”
“Two half-sisters. Both younger.”
“Did you know your biological father?”
“Nope. Daniel’s name is on my birth certificate.”
“He adopted you.”
She paused, and then said, “His name was always there. He and Mom were married by the time I was born and he assumed responsibility for me from the start.”
Josh felt as if he was doing research on a deal, and the pieces were all coming together.
“And you feel like you owe him something for that.”
“Why do you say that?” Her response was razor sharp.
“Because you were engaged to his best friend’s son and you didn’t seem happy about that.”
Her puppy stood, circled and half lay, half fell back down, tucking her head into her paws and going back to sleep. L.G. laid down his head, facing her.
“Keith was a spoiled ass,” Dana said.
The comment hit home.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say anything bad about anyone before.”
“I try to see the best in people.”
“But you couldn’t find it in him?”
“I tried. His father owns a string of car dealerships. Keith grew up thinking he was God’s gift to the world. I don’t think his parents ever said no to him.”
He could relate.
“And he decided he wanted you.”
“Not exactly. Keith spent his high school and college years partying and having fun. He’d been all over the world but never worked a day in his life. He was into drugs and drinking and gambling, and got into debt one too many times. I, on the other hand, missed college to go to work in the family business. I was managing the three retail stores and they were turning a profit.”
He wasn’t surprised to hear that she had a good head for business. The woman excelled at everything.
And Keith could have been any number of Josh’s buddies. Other than the gambling and not-working part, he could have been Josh.
“I was twenty-three, living by myself, and Daniel and Keith’s dad figured that I was just what Keith needed. His father told him he’d pay off his debt, but only if he settled down, married me and went to work—either for Daniel, or at the car dealerships. They wanted him where they could keep an eye on him.”
“And he agreed.”
“What choice did he have?”
But she’d agreed, too.
Dan
a’s expression changed and grew pensive. She shuddered.
Tapping her sneaker with the tip of his shoe, he said, “You didn’t marry him.”
“I almost did. But then, out of the blue, I got a letter in the mail, telling me that I’d been chosen to receive a full scholarship, living expenses included, to Montford University.”
“Out of the blue? You’d said you were on scholarship, but I assumed... You mean you weren’t applying to colleges?”
“I knew before I graduated high school that there wouldn’t be money for me to go to college. My sisters were both going, and while the economy had hit us hard, we were still showing enough profit at the stores to prevent me from qualifying for financial aid.”
“Your sisters are older than you?”
“No, younger.”
But they got to go to college over her. Anger churned in Josh. Surprising him. He’d never been one to get worked up about much of anything.
“Scholarships don’t just show up on people’s doorsteps,” he said.
“I’m pretty sure my mother applied for it for me,” Dana said, a sad light in her eyes, but a smile back on her face. “She knew that I didn’t love Keith. And I know she wanted better for me.”
“She could have told your father that they weren’t going to sacrifice you for the betterment of his best friend’s son.”
Josh hated what she was telling him. And understood, too. Family and money came with responsibilities.
“Mom...she doesn’t cross Daniel.”
“But wouldn’t she have told you if she’d applied? Especially after you got the scholarship.”
“Not if there was any chance Daniel would find out.”
“Because you were running out on his friend’s son?”
She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to.
Josh knew how unforgiving parents could be when their offspring no longer followed their dictates.
* * *
“DOES DANIEL STILL speak to you?”
With Lindy Lu cuddled up to her chest, Dana sat cross-legged, petting Little Guy as he jumped up and stood in front of her, staring at the new little girl in his life and wagging his tail.
“As much as usual,” she answered carefully. She’d said enough. “Keith met someone else and has settled down.”
The Moment of Truth Page 13