A Life Plan Without You.

by Christine Wood

  Sam and I were having a baby, shit he would be angry, hell everyone would be angry. The doctor estimated I was about nineteen weeks into my pregnancy. I cried when he told me. I’d had lighter periods but I’d had them; this was unreal it wasn’t happening to me, but it was. I got in a taxi to the hospital I was a mess, I was nervous, sick, excited and then relieved, yes that threw me too, but I had a reminder of my Sam, my always and forever was the child I carried. I was called in to see an ultra sound technician, I had gel put on my belly and sure enough there was a baby. I looked in awe at the screen, my baby Sam’s baby was there. She calculated I was in fact nineteen weeks into the pregnancy, the baby was fine and healthy and I'm given a picture, I looked at it and cried.

  “Can you tell what I am having from that picture? I would love to know.” She smiled.

  “Your baby girl is due anytime between the middle and end of January Ms Welles, a two week window, and she is quite clearly a girl. Though I have never been wrong, there is a small risk I am maybe one day, I have to say that in case you sue me when you buy pink and in fact you needed blue. So my advice don’t go buying pink just yet, I’d wait until your later scans.”

  I smiled thanked her and started my journey home. They had all been given my doctors address in Stockton and she would be contacted. I had to make an appointment with them as soon as I got home. They were worried about sickness and my weight was a big issue. I was underweight and malnourished. I was given pills to give me energy, and some to stop the queasiness after I ate, I’m told to eat more or risk losing the baby.

  Hell no that wasn’t happening I'd force myself to eat. I bought a sandwich for the tram and ate that along with it I drank a milkshake and grinned like an idiot, all the way home. It seemed to take me forever to get back home too, and when I did I just wanted to curl up in bed with my baby. Grams came to my room with tea and toast. I slept, and I slept really well too, for the first time in ages no dreams of Sam and her.

  I had my baby to dream of, his and my baby, wow talk about euphoric, is this what they meant, the others, that the one I loved I would love forever. I would have Sam and then love his child forever? I got up had a wash and went to meet Gramps off the ferry, with Michael I sat legs hanging over the jetty edge and stared into the sea. I'm suddenly back to being the six year old, looking and waiting for my Gramps.

  “Are you all right, Michelle?” I looked at Michael and smiled.

  “I’m fine actually, really fine. I’m just happy to be going home on Wednesday.” My baby was just mine for now, I had my piece of Sam and I haven’t been happy like this for months.

  “Are you looking forward to getting back to school Michelle?” I thumped him.

  “I’m going to university barf breath” He smiled at me.

  “You haven’t called me that all summer, troll face.” I got up Gramps ferry was here. I walked down to meet him, I handed my wages over and the cheque, which I hadn’t even looked at. He smiled and gave me a hug, I wanted to tell him but was too frightened that he would hate me, or I would have embarrassed him. I’d hate it either way, so for now Bump was mine. I smiled yes she was just mine.

  “Michelle, you’re going home with over three and a half thousand pounds, plus the cheque.” I was gob smacked. Gramps and I had opened a bank account, with my first wage. He had put my money in each week and matched it each week. I nearly fainted.

  “I can’t take all that Gramps, hell Dad will kill you for giving me so much money. You give me all I need; please really I don’t need that much money.”

  “I will put the rest, and the cheque, in the bank on Monday, Michelle.” I looked at him, as he smiled at me, he was so proud of how hard I’d worked at work, and at packing the house. It was my clearing of the crap and boxing it all that made people think it wasn’t just a pokey, junk filled old house, leading to two people actually wanting the place, a bidding war and Gramps got two thousand more than asking price. I still didn’t want to tell him, I wasn’t afraid of him just I thought he would be disappointed in me.

  I slept very well, I had money, I had Sam’s baby and I was enrolling university, in just over two weeks. I had every reason to smile. Waking late, it was nearly dinnertime, I had a shower and went for something to eat and I had an appetite to die for at last. So made myself the mother of all breakfasts, it tasted great, the bacon, the sausage the whole works, but unfortunately it didn’t stay down long, I don’t think a big breakfast is for me, not without the anti-queasy pills anyhow. Orange juice drank and toast eaten, I showered, hugging my belly as I did, there really was a baby in here, I changed and headed out. Walking, no skipping to the residential home for my leaving party. I had made a home full of old friends, they loved me and I loved them back, I definitely find I get on better with oldies.

  Joe was my favourite, we gelled on that first afternoon we danced and because of it he spent days with Gramps, his new best friend and most nights he’d end up having tea with us, walking with me, watching me run from the wall. The nicest thing we did together? Dancing on the sand at dusk, we loved it. All the fancy moves of my upcoming dances were learnt. We had discussed Sam and in detail and he said the lad was probably in deep shock he’d seen it in the war, they called it shellshock, some sort of brain trauma and I should not hold that day against him! I should go and look for him, give him a chance to explain things first.

  I made a beeline for Joe and I pulled him to one side and told him of my news. He held me tightly, he was happy and upset for me being on my own and he hugged me so damn tightly in his arms, it felt so needed.

  “Oh, my girl will you be all right?” I smiled.

  “More than all right Pops, I’m really happy, I may not have the love of my life back, but she is a part of him I get to keep, she’s my always and forever.” He took my hand and danced with me. “Please don’t tell my Grams and Gramps yet, no one else knows, you are the only one I’ve told and for now the only one I trust, to keep my secret, well for now. I need to get my head around it first, what I am going to do next and for her future, there’s a load of stuff to sort out, where do we live, and do I tell him? Ouch Joe my headaches...”

  “Well if you decide you want a place to live with a built in babysitter, we will look at somewhere either here or in Stockton and I have my home in London, say the word and I will have it readied, you are not on your own and Gramps will be fine, he couldn’t be anything less than proud of you. Now we need to keep you safe and well, what a joy a baby! Hattie always wanted a child, alas she couldn’t have one and now I get to be a part of my adopted granddaughters! Shush Michelle please everything will be fine, you will be fine.” I was held tightly as we danced.

  “Thank you, I have to get home and see what awaits me there, but now I go back not on my own and with something to live for, I love him so much and for now she is what I have to focus on, that and eating, I need food come on let’s see what sandwiches Gladys has concocted, I liked the ham and jam thing she did.”

  “Quite they were a little erm different, the peanut butter and chicken ones were erm tasty? It was like having a satay, not quite what I expected when I bit into it.” We laughed as the cook brought out normal rolls for us to eat, but I stuck to Gladys’s ham and jam. Weird yet strangely nice, and I kept them down, perhaps wacky food is the way to go?

  I had a wonderful night, Joe watched over me like a minder. I gave them all hugs and left feeling on top of the world, I promised to ring Joe as soon as I got back to Stockton, and I would ring him each Saturday and discuss things and I had to promise him if I needed anything I should call. I left with a handful of cards and gifts unopened. I arrived home and put the gifts and cards, with the ones I got from work yesterday. I carried the gifts to my bedroom and started opening them. I had stockings by the packet load, perfumes of all types, enough to open my own store. Chocolates too many to eat, and the kids had given me hand drawn cards. I opened the suitcase and put them in it. I sat and opened the mass of cards.

  Lizzy gave me my
wages from dance. She had saved them weekly and gave me one hundred and fifty pounds, and she refused to take it back, saying because the oldies loved the dances so much, the church group home now paid her very well for the now twice weekly sessions. Which were now to be held in the home on their new ballroom floor, less travel meant more could attend. I had over sixty pounds from the oldies and many cards too. I had also gift vouchers. I had in fact a lot to be thankful for this summer. I climbed in bed and hugged Bump. I would write thank you cards tomorrow. I looked at the little black and white photo and smiled. A familiar tune was wafting through the air!

  “All things are very bright and beautiful, thank you for the song dear lady night-night!” I slept well again.

  I finished all the packing up of the house and it actually looked, so clean and tidy and bigger without all Grams crap in it. Wednesday came, as did Aunty Helen and Uncle Preston to pick Michael and I up, I did a walk through the house and kissed Grams and Gramps goodbye and climbed in the car. I slept with my head in Michael’s lap all the way home, they stopped for a while and Aunty came to look at the rings Sam had given me. When she popped up to use the loo. I was looking at them dreaming, remembering him down on one knee I was given another much needed cuddle, as she put her arm around me.

  “They are beautiful, what are you going to do with them Michelle?” I smiled.

  “Keep them Aunt Helen, I need nice memories and they really are so beautiful, and damn expensive. I could buy a small house, for what they cost.” That could be a solution, should I need one. She gave me a kiss and they left. I emptied my bags and put my photo under the underwear in my top drawer and put back the rings. I still wore my Claddagh ring, it never left my finger and my locket was never off my neck. Emma’s ring on my finger too, that I did want to keep, but as it was for her daughter, I would have to send it back and soon. I went for a walk as I was on my own again. Becks and JJ were with Aunty Liz and Uncle Joe in Jersey for a few days.

  Mum was around at Fat Pat’s because the nut job was home. I heard her tell Franny a neighbour, that from my bedroom window, Franny saw me smiled and waved, a nice woman with two son’s with 'problems,' so my mother, was taking the micky out of me, to the wrong woman. She scuttled off, oh I can’t stop here not pregnant and she, my baby isn’t being brought to this house with her.

  Dad was working; deep joy lay ahead of me telling him about Bump. I ended up outside Sam’s house. It was different, the curtains were different and there were children’s toys scattered around outside. They had moved, I let out a deep sigh and headed home. I wondered if Aunty had moved too? I could go and see her, when I needed to find him. I still didn’t know if I wanted him to know about our child. I didn’t want rejecting, not by him, not again and I certainly didn’t want our child rejected too.

  I decided to go to dance class, I’m back a week earlier than I had told them, and I had hoped to get a lesson in. The ones I’d had at the village hall were good, but not to Lee’s high standards. The studio was packed and there were more classes apparently and very few vacancies, so I had a few more classes, I would be picking up more nippers classes. I grabbed my rota, nothing this week but I have three classes a week, Thursday Friday and Saturday morning, great the money will come in for the things I will need for mine and Bumps new home.

  “Hello Michelle, nice holiday you look rested and well-tanned.” It had been a nice summer my hair was now nearly perfect, the sun kissed blonde ends were the great finishing touch.

  “I had a wonderful time thanks Mrs R. Here have a sugar dummy.” I went to find Lee, he was teaching my nippers class, I jumped into help.

  “Michelle you look wonderful, the sea air agrees with you, nose back at the grindstone, Sam’s here.” I turned my head in double quick time. It was Samantha I had hoped it was my Sam. I danced with the nippers for the rest of their lesson, Samantha ran me through a couple of our new dances, not thinking anything of it, she said I was excellent and Lee watched too, I was now having private lessons. I didn’t want to dance with Ellie and besides she was now teamed with Bitch-troll-ho, Karen-Bloody-Manning.

  “That’s great, are you coming to the social?” I looked into her eyes for some sort of sign, had Sam been coming with her, did they still come?

  “Depends on who turns up.” She looked at me, her arms coming in for a hug; my split from Sam was common knowledge, with Karen taking full credit saying he chose her over me! Nobody who knew me, believe that but her. I now wanted to kill, and because of Bump I bloody couldn’t. Bummer.

  “Sam hasn’t been near for months, not since before the exams actually, his brother asked about you a few weeks ago, toy know Jimmy? I told him you were back next week and we didn’t know where you were!” I smiled thanked her for the lesson and the info on Jimmy. I went to the locker room; bugger it I’m going to stop. I looked okay I did my make up and put on a drop of Bill Blass and went to sit down. I watched, as the room filled and in walked Karen but no Sam! She had Harry on her arm. I decided against stopping, I couldn’t be in the same room as her. She wasn’t with Sam after all and I felt good about that nugget. I changed shoes and walked home, I passed through the shopping centre and past The Frog, my name is being called, my neck flicked around, shit I’m going to get whiplash if I keep doing that!

  “Michelle.” I looked in the direction of the shouting and shit it was Paul who was heckling me from the door at the pub.

  “Oh hello you, are you drinking yourself stupid in there then?” He wasn’t getting drunk he was already drunk.

  “I didn’t know you were home, did you have a nice holiday then? Did you manage to blow the cobwebs away?” Shit he had remembered the cobwebs!

  “I did indeed, but I’m still not in need of a fella Paul.” He asked if I wanted a drink.

  “Just one and please make it a straight coke, I can’t drink alcohol.” Andy was at the bar when I went for a drink and I looked around hoping to see Sam.

  “Hello stranger, are you all right?” He blanked me. “What have I done now, I’ve not been here for bloody months?” He looked at me with hate in his eyes when he spotted Paul, not the cleverest move coming in here with Paul. It was awful, shit why did I say yes and in here of all places?

  “Sam had a bad accident months ago, he fell down the stairs at Ridgley’s and has been in hospital and he’s moved to Spain to get away from this place and you, is that far enough or perhaps he needs to move further?” I looked at him, with panic and horror on my face.

  “Is he all right now Andy, please tell me he is all right?” Nothing but hate in his eyes, no answers either, I was losing the plot with him and his smug face and pigeon eyes.

  “Oh whatever Andrew, he is safe wherever he is, he made it clear I wasn’t wanted and I now know how far he will go to get away from me. So yes sodding Spain is far enough, you’re still a fucking nightmare Andy, you caused all this! Why though I have never hurt you, you need some serious fucking help.” I flounced out of the pub as Paul followed me.

  “Are you okay Michelle, you look mad as hell?” I thanked him for the drink.

  “I’ve got to get home, I don’t feel well, being pregnant doesn’t agree with me at all.” He looked at me.

  “You’re pregnant? The baby, is it Sam’s?” I looked at him shit with the anger that just slipped out.

  “Correct on both counts. I am having my ex‘s baby and he’s in Spain.” He looked at me in disgust.

  “You’re just the same as all the other tarts out there, whoring and sleeping around and getting knocked up, your nothing more than a common tart and that’s a bastard in there, did you come on to me so I could be the baby’s daddy? No fucking way your used goods.” I was shocked! Really he asked me for the cobweb talk, he’s nuttier than a marathon bar that lad,

  “Well it’s a good job you didn’t manage a fumble on the market stalls then asshole, thanks for the drink I need an early night, and hope I don’t see you again, give me some credit, my baby doesn’t need a thug and arseholed drunk
as her dad, you never could and never will fill Sam’s shoes ever!”

  He marched off he is really quite weird and very strange. I must just attract strange, weird people, old and dead people into my life. One thing for sure, I was going to be bringing my baby up alone now, there was no Sam. I put my arms around my belly comforting myself. I went to the bistro on my way home, and got a few things for my tea, I was starving.

  “I love you Bump and Daddy… Well he did love me once.” I cried and I sat on the cricket steps eating my stash. I'm here at my go to place and I weep, I was alone and pregnant, but I was happy too! I would have been happier knowing Sam was in the country, should I need to get in touch. I had the baby and she was what was keeping me sane, well fairly sane anyhow! I’m still hearing my favourite hymn each and every night, and have done for Lord knows how long? Perhaps I need to go to Grams church?

  At some point I would have to tell mum and dad I was pregnant but I will leave that for a while though, umm not looking forward to that shit. She had me at twenty two and she thought that was too young. However for now, ignorance is bliss as they say. For me though this baby is my connection to him. The man I loved, and would always love, he had unknowingly left me with his child and that was fine, for now anyway. I still had a part of him and she was mine. I continued to eat, the sandwich was bloody great and fresh, the giant salad bowl was already eaten and I lay down, to let tea or supper, which ever meal I had just eaten, to settle. I was awakened from my daydreams by a familiar voice.

  “Hello you, you look well had another row with the other guy… Sam?” I smiled Adam was on leave again.

  “No, I was too much for him so he left me. How’s the navy treating you then?” He came and sat down by my side, his mad dog running havoc in the fields.