by Anne Douglas
‘Aye, she’s been an unlucky lassie, in some respects,’ George remarked. ‘Not because of having Sam, because he’s a grand little lad, but splitting up with Rod the way she did, and now this business with Josh. I never did think he’d be the one for her.’
‘Neither was Rod. Had all the wrong ideas. She seemed to have settled for Josh, but now she’s told him about Sam, I can’t think what’s going to happen.’
‘Surprised he hasn’t already said goodbye.’
Flo looked thoughtful. ‘The fact he hasn’t, could that be hopeful, do you think?’
‘Who knows? What we have to think about now is finding another pianist. Doesn’t look like Claire is going to return.’
‘We’ve managed without her so far. Let’s leave it till we get back home, eh?’
‘Suits me, just as long as we don’t have to see her miserable face again.’
When it came to it, most of the girls were happy enough to be back in Auld Reekie, even if it didn’t have as many clubs, restaurants, and theatres as London. After all, it was home and there were families to see, and young men, and you couldn’t stay away for ever, could you? Even Lorna was looking happier, and there were those who’d noticed she’d been looking anything but when down south.
As their coach came over Carter Bar and the volcanic rock that was Arthur’s Seat came into view, it was in fact noticeable how much brighter the leader of the band was looking.
‘Been missing Josh,’ Trish whispered to Bridie, and those girls nearest nodded their agreement. ‘Tough, being away so long, eh?’
‘Tough for us all,’ said Nancy, who’d found a new boyfriend since the German tour. ‘But I wouldn’t have missed the trip away, would you?’
‘Sure wouldn’t!’ came a chorus, until somebody murmured, ‘Wonder what happened to Claire?’
‘As though we cared,’ Flo murmured to Lorna.
‘I can’t say I’m worrying about her,’ Lorna answered. Keeping her voice down, she added, ‘All I want now is to see Sam.’
‘You’re going round to your mother’s when we get in?’
‘Oh, I am. I’ve missed Sam so much, and Ma said on the phone that he’s been missing me.’ Lorna smiled a little. ‘She rang from a call box, you know. Said she wished I could’ve seen Sam’s face when he heard my voice coming out of the telephone!’
‘I thought you might be going to your flat first,’ Flo said delicately, giving George a sideways glance.
‘You mean to check my post?’ Lorna shrugged. ‘Josh never said he’d write.’
‘You’re going to ring him, anyway?’
‘Tomorrow. I’m going to stay the night at Ma’s. Help Sam play with the toys I’ve brought him.’
‘Must be fun, playing with toys again.’ George laughed self-consciously. ‘Sometimes we think about being parents, don’t we, Flo?’
‘Thinking is as far as we get.’
‘I can recommend it.’ Lorna glanced round at her girls who were all talking to one another. ‘In spite of everything.’
‘Princes Street coming up,’ George said cheerfully. ‘Want a hand with your luggage, Lorna?’
‘Don’t worry, the driver will take it out for all of us. Listen, we’re going to take a couple of days off to get sorted out, aren’t we? I’ll be in touch later, then.’
‘Don’t forget!’ Flo cried, when the coach drew up in Princes Street under the sombre stare of the castle, and the girls began to disembark, still talking and laughing.
‘Poor old Lorna,’ George murmured, as he and Flo watched her flag down a taxi and disappear towards the West End. ‘Hope she gets some good news.’
‘Wouldn’t bank on it,’ Flo answered.
Forty-Seven
Oh, it was so good to be home, Lorna was thinking as she hugged first Tilly and then dear Sam, holding him close, putting her cheek against his soft little face, as he smiled radiantly and said ‘Mammy, mammy’ over and over again.
‘You see, he’s missed you,’ Tilly said fondly. ‘Couldn’t understand why you weren’t coming to see him.’
‘But then you spoke to Mammy on the telephone, didn’t you?’ Lorna asked. ‘Didn’t you hear my voice on the funny black thing in the glass box?’
‘Mammy’s voice!’ he cried joyously. ‘In the glass box!’
‘And now you’ll want to look in my bag, eh? I’ve got some exciting things, and all for you.’
They spent a wonderful time, unpacking the small cars, the fire engine complete with ladders and little firemen, the tractor with levers and imitation bundles of hay, while Tilly made tea and produced the scones she’d managed to find, and the cake she’d made with eggs brought by Cissie.
‘And isn’t it a shocking thing that we’re still rationed?’ she asked as they finally sat down at the table, Sam clutching one of his new cars. ‘Sometimes I wonder if we won the war or not. Oh, and by the way, I saw Ewen in the street this morning – told him to come for a cup of tea, but he said he’d look in later. Knew you’d want time with Sam, you ken. Such a thoughtful laddie, eh?’
‘I’d like to see Ewen,’ Lorna said with truth. ‘In fact I was hoping he’d come round.’
As Sam asked if he could get down and tore off to play with his fire engine, Tilly looked at Lorna strangely and poured her some more tea.
‘Someone else came round the other day,’ she whispered. ‘Asked if you were here.’
‘Who?’
‘Josh Niven.’
Lorna set down her cup, spilling tea into the saucer. ‘Josh came here? Here, Ma?’
‘Yes, a few days ago.’
‘I don’t understand. Why would he do that? He knew I wouldn’t be back.’
‘I’m no’ sure, of course, but I think he wanted to see Sam. You said you’d told him about your boy, eh?’
‘Yes, I told him.’
‘Well, maybe he wanted to see what the boy looked like. Seemed very impressed. Said he was a fine child, and gave him a pound note for his money box.’
‘A pound note?’ Lorna bit her lip, frowning. ‘And then what happened?’
‘He gave me a letter for you. I put it in the sideboard. Wait, I’ll get it for you.’
While her mother found the letter, Lorna sat very still, bracing herself for – what? She would know very soon.
‘Here it is!’ Tilly cried, placing a small white envelope in Lorna’s hand. It bore her formal name, Miss Lorna Fernie, in Josh’s firm black handwriting.
‘Now if you want to read it in private, go in the bedroom, pet.’
‘No, I’ll just read it here.’
Taking a knife from the table drawer, Lorna slit open the envelope and took out the single sheet it contained. How cool she was keeping! Sometimes, she could really put on a good act.
I am so very sorry, my dear Lorna, but I can’t do it, I can’t see you again. I still love you, I think I always will, but too much has changed for us to have a future. We are not the people we thought we were, and must face that.
Thank you for giving me so much happiness in the past. I wish it hadn’t had to end, but I wish you all the best for the future with your band and your fine little boy. By the time you read this, I will be in London where I’ve been given a job with Ted Heath’s band, so it’s unlikely that we will meet again.
I send you my love and my good wishes,
Josh.
When she had finished reading it, Lorna laid the letter down. What a lucky thing it was, she thought, that her mother was with her, which meant she must keep up her acting and not burst into tears and frighten Sam. Later on, it would be different, of course, but now, she could be brave. Except that her eyes were swimming.
‘Are you going to tell me what he says?’ Tilly asked.
Lorna picked up the letter and smoothed it out.
‘“I’m so very sorry, my dear Lorna”,’ she was beginning, when Tilly stopped her.
‘You don’t need to read it to me. Just tell me what he says.’
Lorna raised her
eyes to her mother’s. ‘He says goodbye,’ she said quietly, and gave a sob. So much for acting, she thought.
‘Oh, poor lassie!’
‘Only what I expected, Ma.’
‘But still – oh, listen, there’s a knock at the door. That’ll be Ewen. Now, if he wants to go for a little walk, you go, Lorna. Sam’ll be all right with his new toys. Go on, Lorna. You couldn’t have a more sympathetic fellow to talk to than Ewen, eh?’
They walked again by the Water of Leith where, because the evening was fine, others were walking too, looking down at the floating weed that covered the stream and the reeds lining the bank.
‘It’s all over, Ewen,’ Lorna told him. ‘I sort of hoped it might not be, but I knew all the time there wasn’t much hope.’
‘Soon as you told him about Sam, that was it?’
‘About Sam and Sam’s father. Josh could never have been stepfather to Sam, thinking of Rod.’
‘And you had to get through your tour, knowing everything was over?’ Ewen pressed her hand. ‘Must have been terrible.’
‘No, I was still hoping then. He said I could ring him when I got back. He even said he’d see me. But he came to Ma’s house when I was away and left me a letter.’
‘Your ma’s house?’ Ewen shook his head in disbelief. ‘Fancy him doing that. Sounds like he couldn’t face you. But what happens when you meet again?’
‘He’s thought of that. Got himself a job in London.’
‘Lucky you didn’t see him when you were down there.’
‘He can only have just left Edinburgh.’ Lorna stood aside to let some children run past. ‘But thinking about it, Ewen, he could have behaved much worse, could have thrown me out of his flat, or hit me, or something.’
‘No, no, Lorna!’ Ewen suddenly held her close. ‘Don’t say things like that, or I’d go find him and punch him one.’
‘What I’m saying is, he didn’t do that. And I really hurt him, you know. He said I damaged him, and I know I did.’
‘You’ve been hurt yourself, Lorna.’
‘Yes.’ She blinked a little, not wanting to cry again. ‘And now we’ve both got to get better.’
‘Takes time.’
‘Well, I’ve been through it before.’
‘You know what I think you should do now? Well, I’ve said it already, so you’ll know what I’m on about.’
‘What? What should I do?’
‘Tell your girls about Sam. Tell the whole damn world, come to that. Let folk see you’re no’ ashamed, you’re proud of your son.’ Ewen nodded. ‘Yes, that’s what I’d do in your place, Lorna. Then you’ll never be hurt in the same way again.’
‘I don’t know about the whole world,’ she said slowly. ‘My Sam isn’t anything to do with people who don’t know me. But, my girls . . . yes, Ewen, I think you’re right.’
‘You mean that?’
‘Yes, I mean it. When I see my band again, there’ll be an end to secrets. Thanks, thanks for everything. What would I do without you?’
‘Won’t have to,’ he said brightly, and they turned for Lorna’s old home and Sam, who was waiting to be played with before he went to bed.
The night was bad, as she’d known it would be, and for a long time she lay without sleeping in Sam’s room that had been hers, just staring into the darkness, seeing Josh’s handsome face. If only she hadn’t made love with Rod! And yet, it was true, she had loved Rod and sometimes still thought of him. In many ways, he was an easier man to love than Josh, but there was the great divide between his views and hers and always would be.
Josh would have accepted that she wanted her career, and if things had been different, maybe they could have been happy together. But then, maybe not. She didn’t blame him for giving her up. She had tried to understand what it had been like for him, to find out about Sam. But with a different sort of nature, might he not have tried to understand how things had been for her?
There was little point in going into it all now, for another thing she had to remember was that in the background there had always been his mother. An unknown quantity, but somebody who probably would never have welcomed Lorna as a daughter-in-law, even if she hadn’t had Sam. With Sam, she would certainly never have stood a chance.
The way things were, maybe she had better just put all thoughts of relationships from her and concentrate on her music. That was what she’d always wanted to do, after all. And she still had Sam.
Rising carefully, she tiptoed across the bedroom floor to the cot where he was sleeping. By the light of a tiny lamp, she saw that he was curled up peacefully, scarcely stirring, and she bent down to kiss his cheek and move from his warm little hand one of the cars she had given him. Yes, she still had Sam. What more could she ask?
Forty-Eight
Two days later, Lorna having called a rehearsal for the following morning, asked her mother if she could have Sam ready to be collected at about ten o’clock.
‘Collected?’ Tilly repeated. ‘Why, who’s collecting him?’
‘I am. George is going to drive us. I’m taking him to see my band.’
Tilly’s pale blue eyes widened. ‘Your band? How come you’re doing that? You’ve never wanted them to know a thing about him!’
‘Yes, well, it’s all going to be different from now on.’ Lorna’s gaze met her mother’s bravely, then wavered and fell. ‘I’ve decided to have no more secrets, Ma. It’s done me no good and it’s never been fair on Sam.’
‘Aye, that’s sounds grand, but are you sure about it, Lorna? Folk are funny, you ken. For somebody like you to have a bairn and no husband, it might no’ go down well.’
‘That’s what I used to think, and there probably would be some who’d blame me, but only folk who don’t know me. For the moment, I’m just telling my girls and friends.’
Lorna hesitated, and as her mother said nothing, went on to make her case. ‘It was Ewen, as a matter of fact, who first said I shouldn’t make a secret of Sam, but I would never listen. Then, when I had to tell Josh, and I saw the way he was so shocked, I realized I should have told him before. So, I decided Ewen was right. I shouldn’t hide Sam, I should let people see I’m proud of him. Then they might understand the situation.’ With a quick toss of her head, Lorna looked again at her mother. ‘And that’s what I’m going to do.’
‘You’ve certainly thought it through,’ Tilly commented. ‘I just hope it works out.’
‘So, you’ll have him ready?’
‘Aye, but what do I tell him?’
‘That he’s going for a drive in Uncle George’s car to see Mammy’s band. He knows about the ladies playing trumpets and so on.’
‘You want me to come?’
‘Of course! The girls will want to meet you too.’
Tilly looked thoughtful. ‘I’ll put Sam in his blue shirt and wee new trousers. But, Lorna, what do you think I should wear?’
‘Ma, you’ll look fine whatever you wear, and nobody dresses up for rehearsal.’
‘But you’ll want Sam to look his best?’ Tilly asked with a smile.
‘Oh, yes,’ Lorna agreed, feeling nervous already of her boy’s reception.
She was still nervous when she arrived with George at Tilly’s flat next morning, but as soon as she saw Sam, looking so smart in his blue shirt and new trousers, with his auburn hair damped down and a great smile on his little face, she felt such a rush of pride she hugged him close and asked George if he didn’t look grand.
‘Grand’s the word,’ George agreed. ‘But how about the fire engine – is that coming, too?’
‘It’s his favourite,’ Tilly told him. ‘He might want to play with it when the music begins.’
‘Wonderful!’ George laughed, as they went out to the car. ‘Got an arrangement for four saxophones, three trombones, three trumpets and fire engine, Lorna?’
‘Would be quite a novelty, eh? Come on, let’s get going. I don’t want to be late this morning.’
‘Nor me,’ Tilly said, her arm r
ound Sam. ‘I’m looking forward to hearing the band again. Haven’t heard the lassies since your wedding, George.’
As soon as she’d spoken, she flushed a little, remembering that it was at George’s wedding she’d first met Josh, and guessed that Lorna would be remembering it too. But Lorna made no sign and no more was said until the studio was reached and Flo was hovering to greet them.
‘Everyone’s ready,’ she whispered, when she’d exclaimed over Sam and shaken Tilly’s hand. ‘Some complaining they haven’t had enough rest after the tour, of course, but most are raring to go.’
‘I’ll just say my piece first,’ Lorna said, clearing her throat. ‘Hope they’ll still be able to play when I’ve finished.’
‘They’ll be playing better than ever,’ George said loyally. ‘Mrs Fernie, can I find you a chair?’
Taking a deep breath, Lorna, holding Sam by the hand, moved into the studio.
‘Morning everybody! Hope you’ve all recovered from the tour, which I want to say was one of our best. So, congratulations to everyone. You agree, Flo? George?’
‘Certainly do,’ they murmured, but the girls in the band weren’t saying anything. Their eyes were glued to Sam, and he was staring back, fascinated by them and their strange and wonderful instruments.
‘Ma, before you sit down, may I introduce you?’ Lorna whispered to Tilly, who obediently remained standing, while Lorna called to her girls.
‘Listen, everyone, I’d like you all to meet my mother. Ma, meet the band. Girls, meet my mother. My prop and stay, I can tell you!’
‘Oh, go on!’ Tilly murmured, smiling at the girls, as they smiled and nodded back. ‘But, here, let me take wee Sam, eh? Sam, come over with me and bring your fire engine.’
As all eyes followed the little boy running after his grandmother, Lorna, who had gone rather pale, cleared her throat. ‘Just before we begin rehearsing, I’d like to say a few words.’