by Linzvonc
I tried to draw strength from how I felt when I was with Cal, remembering how happy I was earlier that morning. I owed it to Luke to tell him everything, and to end things between us before I took it further with Cal.
Guilt twisted my stomach when I remember how I would have handed my virginity to Cal on a plate this morning had he wanted to take it.
My cheeks flushed, and Luke frowned at me, moving his stare to the photos above my desk. Most of them were of us with our friends, in summer by the beach. The memories were beautiful, but they were just that: memories. Ocean blue eyes moved to mine, and my stomach lurched with anxiety.
“Are you going to tell me what happened, Gretchen?” his voice broke, and a piece of my heart did too.
How to tell him this, that I’ve cheated on him with his cousin?
I knew I was skating on thin ice, but I had to tell him. “Last night... I’m sorry I left like I did.”
Luke continued to stare at me, his eyes narrowing. His fingers drummed on the arms of my chair, his foot tapping repeatedly, a sure sign that he was angry.
“Where did you go? I came looking for you,” he said slowly, crossing his arms.
I licked my lips and rubbed my hands on my legs.
This was it.
No amount of deep breaths calmed me, so I just bit the bullet and came out with it.
“I was with Cal,” I whispered, the air leaving his lungs as he inhaled sharply.
My palms were sweating, my knees jiggling as I waited for him to say something.
Anything.
His eyes widened and his mouth opened, then closed before he finally spoke. “Say that again.”
I didn’t want to say it again, but his eyes commanded it.
“I went home with Cal.”
His fists clenched so tightly I could see the white of his knuckles. I regretted telling him without Cal there, but then it would’ve only ended in a storm of testosterone.
“Why?” he spat, his voice laced with venom. He was standing now, and for the first time, I felt afraid of him.
I didn’t think my explanation would suffice, so I opted for an apology. “Luke, I’m sorry...”
He paced my bedroom, running his hands through his hair. “So, let me get this straight,” he barked, not meeting my eyes. “You spent last night with my cousin. Are you telling me it was a stupid mistake, Gretchen?”
My heart ached so much looking at his face, the face I had kissed so much over the past year. The face I thought I had fallen in love with.
I can’t lie to him, not now.
I didn’t want to be with him anymore; I wanted Cal, at any cost. It scared me that I felt as strongly as I did about Cal without truly knowing him, but all I had to go by was the way I felt when I was with him.
“I’m sorry...” I repeated, wringing my hands together. I had to say something else, but my mind was blank.
He glared at me with disgust. “Yeah, you said that. What are you sorry for?” He snapped, his voice dripping in sarcasm.
“For hurting you. I swear this happened so quickly...”
I knew I sounded like I was trying to make excuses for something you couldn’t excuse. My mouth was dry, but my cheeks were flooded with tears.
Luke fell back into the chair, exhaling slowly. “I need to ask you something and I want the truth,” his eyes were full of hurt, and I knew what he was going to ask me. “Did you sleep with him?”
I met his eyes then, shaking my head. “No, I didn’t.”
I didn’t add that the only reason I didn’t was because Cal has amazing self-control and I had none.
A look of relief passed over his face as he bowed his head. Sex was always the most important thing to Luke, and if he found out I had slept with Cal, I knew he would kill us both out of sheer jealousy.
“Luke—“ I began as he raised his eyes to meet mine.
“I’m fucking gutted,” he whispered, his eyes wide. “I can’t talk to you right now.”
He left my room, the door slamming shut behind him as he did. The tears blurred my vision then, a mixture of relief and sadness. I heard a soft knock at my door as my Mom walked in, her silk robe trailing behind her.
“Baby, was that Luke? It’s early...is everything okay? What’s happened?” She sat beside me, wrapping her arms around me comfortingly.
“Oh, Mom, I don’t even know where to start,” I sobbed, letting out the emotion I had been holding in. She soothed me, stroking my hair as we sat in silence. I pulled away, looking into her lovely face, so full of concern. “I don’t think I love Luke anymore.”
She blinked a few times before speaking. “It’s normal to fall out of love, baby. You are eighteen. Did he hurt you?”
Her eyes met mine, and I shook my head.
“No, no, he didn’t. It’s not him...it’s me,” I cried.
She kissed the top of my head, rubbing my back before she held me.
“Look, get yourself a shower and put your makeup on. Everything seems better when you look the part, even if inside you are crumbling. Why don’t you call Rosie or Sienna? Surround yourself with your friends, baby,” she smiled as she stood up.
She was right. I needed to take charge of the situation I had created.
I took a shower, before putting my makeup on, my war paint as I remember my Mom once telling me. My phone rang, and I tensed until I saw it was Rosie.
“Rose!”
“Hey, lady. Are you okay? Bit of an early call from you this morning...” she yawned down the phone as I apologized, pleading with her to meet me at The Lounge.
I dressed, checking my reflection in the mirror. I’d gone for an aqua green jumper over ripped jeans; considering the weather, it should suffice. I took a deep breath and made my way out of the house, heading for the bus stop at the end of my street that would take me into town.
Chapter Twelve
GRETCHEN
“You spent the night with Cal Fallon?” Rosie gasped, as a few heads turned in our direction.
The Lounge was busy with mostly students from our school, seeing as it was a Sunday. We usually crashed here all day, getting high on caffeine.
“Please keep your voice down...” I hissed through gritted teeth, my eyes wide as my cheeks flushed.
Not only would it be catastrophic if someone heard her; they would spread it around school in less than an hour that I’d slept with him.
I didn’t want that for Luke, not when it wasn’t true. I thought back to his eyes, the way he had looked at me with disappointment.
“Does Luke know?” Rosie asked, her eyes shining with curiosity and scandal.
“Yeah,” I grimaced. “I told him this morning—it wasn’t great.”
Rosie winced, stirring her drink as she tilted her head at me, studying me with a mischievous expression.
“I mean, I had my suspicions. I thought there was someone else, but Cal Fallon? I did not see that one coming. Fuck! What was it like?”
I gazed dreamily in the distance as I remembered his lips on mine, his hands unzipping my dress...
“Hello?!” Rosie clicked her fingers in front of my face. I blinked at her, breaking out of my reverie.
“I’m sorry, it was amazing. I’m not gonna lie. I just feel bad...” I sipped on my drink, wondering how it was possible to feel so torn.
I knew already that I wanted to be with Cal, and from his intensity it was clear he wanted to be with me, too. My heart skipped a beat as I thought of him, until Rosie brought me back down to reality with a bump.
“No shit, you do. I bet you’re looking forward to school tomorrow. Two of the hottest guys in school fighting over you,” her voice dripped with envy as she made a face at me.
It wasn’t as exciting as she made it sound in reality; not when you cared for someone like I did for Luke. Then again, my feelings for Cal were escalating with each interaction.
We had been texting non-stop, and I was wandering around with a smile on my face at the sheer thought of him. Then the
re was Luke, who was furious with me. I had to make things right.
“What am I gonna do, Rose?”
“I suppose you have to go with your heart,” she shrugged, slurping on her drink. “I thought Cal seemed a bit of a prick, if I am honest. Plus, he’s been with Krystal, who is, let’s be honest, the biggest slut in school.”
I narrowed my eyes, seething at the thought of him with Krystal.
I didn’t want to think of his hands anywhere other than over me. It was natural for my friends to dislike him, more so now than before.
Sharing friends with your boyfriend is great until you break up.
“I think,” Rosie continued, “If you aren’t happy with Luke you need to tell him and break it off. He deserves that Gretch. You spent the night with Cal— hang on,” she wiped her mouth with her fingers, her eyes bulging. “Did you—”
I shook my head, grateful that Cal hadn’t allowed me to have my wicked way with him that morning or I would’ve felt even more of a jerk right about now.
“What? So, both said hot guys want to bone you and you aren’t giving it up to any of them? Can I be you for a day?” Rosie whined.
I rolled my eyes, opening my phone and sending a text to Luke.
CALCAL
Can we talk?
“
So um, how was your night? I saw you dancing with Finn; that was quite the surprise...”
I sound like the coward I am, trying to deflect the subject away from me.
Rosie waves her hand dismissively. “You know what he’s like. I just entertained him because I was drunk. I went home when we couldn’t find you,” Rosie moved the conversation back around to me, and I slumped back into my seat dejectedly.
“I know, I’m sorry again for just leaving. I just thought you and Finn seemed a little cosy on the dance floor...” I wiggled my eyebrows, hoping she would take the bait.
She laughed, wrinkling her nose up at me with amusement. “Cosy? Me and Finn? I can assure you we are anything but,” she flicked her hair over her shoulder. “So, what are you doing today? Other than feeling sorry for yourself.”
I groaned, dropping my head into my hands. I didn’t feel sorry for myself— I felt guilty.
I was a cheater.
I’d hurt my boyfriend by shacking up with his cousin, of all people. He wouldn’t ever forgive me, and I couldn’t blame him.
“I should see Luke, but I don’t think he wants to,” I mumbled, checking my phone to find that he hadn’t replied. I couldn’t expect him to, considering everything that had happened.
“Well, I’m heading home babes, I’m beat. Last night took it out of me,” Rosie yawned again, sliding out of the booth. “Do you want to come back to mine for a bit?”
“No, I’m not the best company.”
Rosie made a face as she reached for my hand. “Want a ride home?” she asked gently, smiling at me.
I shook my head as I gathered my things, forcing a smile. “No, thanks. I need to clear my head anyway; the walk will do me good.”
She kissed the top of my head, pulling me in for a hug. “Love you, Gretch. Chin up, okay? You spent the night with the hottest guy in school, possibly the world!”
I smiled to myself as she walked away, swinging her keys around her fingers as she did. At least Rosie seemed happy.
I left the Lounge and walked the long way home, taking the opportunity to think. I crossed the road and walked down a street lined with pretty houses, picket fences, kids playing outside and sprinklers on the lawn. They looked so happy.
I saw a little girl playing with her sister, chasing her around with what looked like a snail. The girl shrieked for her mother whilst the other laughed so hard she held her stomach. I smiled again, then I realized I was staring, so I made a move. At that point, my phone rang.
Luke.
I gulped before I answered the call.
“Hey,” I whispered. “Thanks for calling—”
“Where are you?” he interrupted, his voice sounding distant. I had to get used to this coldness, because I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore. The thought made me sad, because more than anything I knew we wouldn’t be able to be friends anymore, it would change the dynamics of our friendship group too.
What a pickle.
“Near The Lounge. I’m just walking home,” I said, checking the road as I crossed it.
“That’s a long way to walk. Stay there, I’ll come and meet you,” he ordered, ending the call.
I sighed, stuffing my hands in my pockets. I glanced around and sat on a low wall near a house.
This was going to be even harder than this morning; I could feel it. He’d had time to mull it over, and I knew what this would do to him. He was possessive at the best of times—this was going to be a shit show.
Luke’s car pulled onto the road some fifteen minutes later, tyres squealing as he drew up beside me. My stomach lurched with guilt when he dragged his eyes over me.
“You getting in?” he snapped, watching me as I crossed in front of his car.
With a deep breath, I climbed into the passenger seat beside him. The familiar scent of his aftershave greeted me, and I almost wept.
I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t mean to do this to us.
“Look Gretchen,” Luke said, his eyes meeting mine. “You made a mistake, right? I get it. He’s a handsome guy. You got tipsy... We all make mistakes.”
Wait… what?
He reached over, grabbing my hand. “We all fuck up,” he gave a bitter laugh. “Was this the first time?” He gripped the steering wheel as he shifted towards me.
“Yes,” I replied in a small voice.
Other than the time I nearly begged him to bend me over the sink in your bathroom...
I closed my eyes at the memory.
I’m such a bitch.
“Luke, I am sorry. I do like Cal—“
He leaned over, his hand sneaking behind my neck as he pressed his lips against mine, his tongue pushing into my mouth urgently. My back pressed against the car door as he kissed me, and I responded to him on auto pilot, kissing him back, his familiar taste in my mouth.
Dread swept over me when I realized that I was giving him false hope.
I didn’t want Luke. I wanted Cal.
I put my hands on his shoulders and pushed him back, shaking my head as I do.
“No, Luke.”
He glared at me with disbelief, his face close to mine.“Why? Do you feel disloyal to him?” he spat the last word out in disgust. “I didn’t think you felt disloyalty, Gretchen. You sure didn’t last night.”
I twisted away from him so that I’m staring out of the window, my body trembling with guilt and anxiety.
Luke started the car and squealed away from the curb.
A trickle of fear seeped around my core as I pulled my seat belt on, asking him where we were heading. He stared ahead in stony silence, not responding. My mind raced. He was a nice guy; he wouldn’t hurt me. He was hurting, that was all.
My phone interrupted the awkward silence, and I reached for it until he snapped at me.
“Don’t answer it. I just want your attention for a little while longer, if you would be so kind.”
I slumped back in my seat wordlessly. He was incensed with rage; his jaw tightening as he drove, the car weaving in and out of lanes dangerously.
“A year, Gretchen. Are you going to throw that away over a punk like him? Do you know anything about him? He’s a fucking dick. I assume you know that he’s got a temper?”
I remained silent, allowing him to continue.
“Oh, boy, has he got a temper. Why do you think they moved here?”
I glanced at him curiously as he continued with a sneer.
“Why don’t you ask your lover that?”
The car veered to the left, and my heart thudded when I realized, we were on a dirt track. It was only when he took a few more turns that I realized we were nearing my house.
“Home, sweet home, honey,” he whispered
bitterly. I release my seat belt, my fingers trembling.
He’s unhinged.
I had done this to him, but my instincts told me to get away from him.
“This is bullshit,” he whispered, as he grabbed the back of my head, pressing his lips down hard on mine again. This time I didn't kiss him back, and he tightened his grip on my hair.
“You want him, don’t you?” he hissed, his eyes searching mine.
I’d never seen him like this, and I reached out for the door handle as tears filled my eyes.
“Get out of my fucking car.” He released me, staring ahead with a cold expression on his face, his knuckles whitening as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel.
My body trembled as I swung my legs out of the car, desperate to get away from him. The car door barely closed behind me before he sped away. I stood on the street, tears running down my cheeks.
What had I gotten myself into?
Chapter Thirteen
GRETCHEN
Walking into school the next day was like walking into a lion’s den.
I tried to remain calm, but the constant whispering and wide-eyed expressions made me want to scream at the nosey gossipers.
Didn’t they have anything better to do with their time?
Was our breakup the highlight of their week?
I exhaled as I threw my books into my locker, my temper rising when they fell back out from all the crap I had piled in there.
“Shit,” I mumbled, as I leaned down to pick them up.
"You okay?" Rosie murmured, her eyes filled with concern.
I crammed the books in, dragging out the two I needed. Whispers continued to fill the hallway, and I knew they were about me.
"Yeah, I will be. It's a shitty situation."
“You got that right, Gretchen,” boomed a voice, silencing the hallway instantly.
"Finn," Rosie warned, as he pushed past her, his lips curled up in a sneer.
"You've ditched Luke for that prick? I can't believe you would do that to him. You know how much he adores you. Luke could've had anyone." He shook his head at me before walking down the hallway, his bag slung over his shoulder.
I turned to see Rosie staring after him in stunned silence.
“I deserved that,” I whispered, biting my lip as my eyes filled with tears.