“Oh, don’t look at me like that,” she said as she laughed. “Right now, I just need space. Someday, I think you’ll understand. I need my privacy. I don’t want the exposure that intimacy would force on me right now.”
He looked down at the sand and then up again. “Is this because I came to the hospital?” He was a quick learner.
“Yes, in some ways, it is. I know you were called, but if you had known me well, you would have protected my pride by not coming into the room when I looked like I did. We hardly know each other! The nurse told me you flashed your badge to gain admittance to my room. That really stung.” She had spilled her guts, now to see the way he would respond to her accusation.
“I am so sorry,” he said without sarcasm. “I wasn’t thinking. All I knew was that you were ill and might want someone there. You looked lovely in spite of being so sick.”
She laughed out loud. “Lovely? Well! Thank you, I guess!” What to say to that? He hadn’t gotten defensive or angry. “I’m getting tired. I just need more time, okay? I want to walk back home now, so I am going to say good-bye.” She started walking backward, away from him, smiling at him, and waved bye.
He didn’t follow her as he could have. He waved back and started up the dune. She turned around and kept walking toward home. The walk and the encounter had a positive effect on Pam. She would prepare for her mother and sister, fixing lunch for them. Puttering in her kitchen gave her a renewed sense of her value. This was her kitchen, in her house. She was a member of the community, a neighbor who could be depended on, and although she could count the friends she had on one hand, she knew many people who had been the recipient of her husband’s generosity during his lifetime. There were some good things about Jack, and although he had made it difficult to dwell upon them, she would make it an act of her will from now on. She had a few painful scenes to go through in the coming days, revealing the disease to her family and outing her husband. But she would remain loyal to him and not allow any Jack bashing to take place in his own house. How this would play out was yet to be seen. Staying positive and refusing to give in to self-pity would determine a lot. She was totally alone, and keeping optimistic might be a challenge. It would be a test to see how strong she really was.
She heard a car pull into the driveway. It was Susan and her mother. Thankfully, she’d left her children behind. Pam went to the door to greet them and could see her mother’s concern right away.
As she embraced her daughter, she whispered, “You’re so thin.”
Susan wasn’t as graceful. “Jesus, Pam, how do you stay so damn skinny?” They had a group hug, Susan breaking away first to go to the veranda and look out at the ocean. “This view always takes my breath away.” She turned around and looked at Pam. “You deserve to have this to look at every day.”
Pam smiled at her, turning to dish up the fruit salad she had made them. Oh God. “Let’s eat outside, okay? Mom, can you get your plate? I’ll bring the tea.” She had hot biscuits made from a mix just out of the oven and fruit salad with cheese. A light, healthy meal to protect one’s stomach after hearing bad news, she thought. They sat around the smaller table on the veranda and began eating.
Nelda talked about what a great time she had with Sue and her boys in Connecticut. “It gets so quiet around here! Those two boys never stop! I got some great exercise.” It was a nice change for Nelda from the loneliness of the beach. Pam hadn’t mentioned Sharon coming to get her. She hoped the need would be obvious after her revelation. She would serve coffee and pie, and then tell them. When they were about done with the salad, she got up to get dessert, taking coffee orders.
Susan got up to help her. “Are you okay, sis? You seem a little frail.”
Pam hugged her. “Let’s talk out on the veranda,” she answered.
Susan immediately began to worry. Pam got the tray of coffee things, and Susan followed with the pie and plates. Coffee poured and dessert passed around, they could relax again.
“Mom, while we were in the kitchen, Susan asked me if I was okay. On Tuesday night, or early Wednesday, I passed out. My friend Sandra came Wednesday morning to check on me, found me on the floor, and called an ambulance.”
Nelda gasped.
Susan said, “I knew there was something wrong.”
“Let me finish,” Pam said, smiling. “At the hospital, they ran some tests and found out I have AIDS. It sounds terrible, but it’s not as bad as it used to be.” There. It was out.
Her mother sat looking at her like she had two heads. Susan was fighting the urge to be dramatic and run to her.
And then Nelda started. “Where in God’s name would you have gotten AIDS?” She sat with her mouth agape, completely unprepared for this news. “It must be a mistake.”
“It’s not, Mom. They double-check all results. I have AIDS. That’s all you need to know for the present. I found out that you can’t catch it by kissing me or touching me. But if you are uncomfortable being around me, I totally understand it. I am feeling a little punkie right now, so if you don’t mind, Sharon is coming up tomorrow to take you home with her for a week.”
The two women sat in silence, in shock. Susan hadn’t said anything because she didn’t know what to say. If Pam said that it wasn’t as bad as it sounded, she would grasp that and run with it.
“Whatever you tell me, I’ll go with that, okay? I won’t go berserk worrying if you say there is nothing to worry about. What did Sharon say?”
“She doesn’t know yet. I’ll tell her tomorrow. I think it should come from me, don’t you agree?” she asked, looking directly at her mother. “I know the temptation is to call everyone you know and tell them, but I am asking you to keep my confidence. My children don’t know yet, and they won’t be home until next Thursday.”
“Oh, what are you going to say to them?” Nelda was clearly confused. She wanted more, but Pam would not give in to it, to her need to know all the gory details.
“Exactly what I have told you and nothing more. The hows and whys of this are my business right now. I need the privacy to recover from the shock of it. That is all I ask, that you respect my privacy, my right to give out information as it is needed. I will not satisfy anyone’s curiosity.” She knew it was killing her mother not to ask, “Did Jack give it to you?” Or, like Marie, think she got it from someone else! Pam let a laugh escape. “Let’s move on, shall we? I’m bored talking about it. If you want more information, look it up online.” She stood up and started clearing plates, wishing she had arranged for her mother to leave that afternoon. But Nelda wasn’t budging.
“Well, I never! My daughter tells me she has AIDS, and I am supposed to simply sit here and not have any questions?” Nelda was enraged. “That is the most unreasonable request I have ever heard!”
“Mom, just let it go, will you? This isn’t about you anymore. It’s about Pam and what’s best for her and her kids.” Dear Susan would try as hard as she could to make peace, but Pam knew Nelda was just getting started.
“I will not let it go!” Now she was raising her voice. Pam stayed in the kitchen, fighting the urge to throw the dishes in the sink and get into bed. Her mother would not ruin Pam’s resolve to stay above this. “I want to know why my middle-aged daughter has AIDS! Why?”
Pam calmly walked out of the kitchen onto the veranda. The sun was directly overhead and cast wonderful shadows through the wisteria growing above their heads. “It’s none of your business, Mom. Is that the answer you want to hear? I’m not speaking of it with you anymore today. Live with that or leave. It’s up to you. If I told you I had cancer, you wouldn’t expect to hear any juicy details, would you?”
At that, her mother decompensated. “How dare you! I have every right to know the details! HOW DID YOU GET AIDS?” She yelled this so loudly Susan looked out at the beach. Someone had to have heard that outcry. Nelda stood up and put her hands on her hips, a stance she used when the girls were children. “I will not be silenced!”
Pam looked at Sus
an, and the two women started laughing. Pam laughed until she had tears running down her face. Susan howled, her mouth stretched as wide as she could open it, with no sound coming out. Nelda, appalled and furious, stamped out of the room toward her apartment. The sisters went to each other, continuing the laughter when, as though a switch had been turned, Susan started crying, grabbing her sister, and then Pam lost it. They held each other, crying for what might be the scary unknown, and for a mother who was as unfit to be a mother as a woman ever could be.
Chapter 33
Except for burping up cardamom and cumin after lunch, Marie was having a good afternoon. She was too busy to think about AIDS, and there was so much to do and so many new faces that it was easy to stay focused on work. Carolyn Fitzsimmons was making progress on the file Marie had given her. She was in her office, writing, reading, checking details. Marie moved on to the next project, which was a demographic report regarding the possible development of property adjacent to the south side of Riverside Gardens. Currently, it was a mess of vacant industrial buildings. She had given that file to that older, handsome gentleman, Steve Marks.
His team was taking their time with it, making site visits and taking photos, double-checking numbers. They had found several contradictions in the research. When Steve came to Marie with the problem, she was not surprised that the researcher was none other than the beautiful and popular Sandra Benson. Shit. When the report was returned to Lane, Smith & Romney, the documentation regarding the changes would go along with it for the entire world to see. In the meantime, she would enjoy working with handsome Mr. Marks. She wasn’t flirtatious, at least not before Jack had died, but Marie had learned early to sniff out a lamb or a snake.
Steve Marks was a quintessential womanizer of the worst kind; he was broke, so he lurked around young women of means. He had Marie pegged as an older working girl, not his usual conquest. And then he found out through office whispering that the file he was working on was from a firm downtown whose owner was Marie’s brother-in-law. Marie went to their house in Babylon every weekend. The guy was doting; it was talked in hushed tones around the office that he took Marie to lunch every day, had paid for her car and apartment, and basically occupied her life so that she never dated. Conveniently, he’d recently dropped dead of a heart attack on a train to Long Island. She was so aloof no one knew anything more about her. Most of the office gossip came from the secretaries and their sources. His curiosity was aroused.
Marie was in her office playing catch-up when Steve Marks knocked on her door. He was using this file as an excuse to get into her head. It was an open vessel.
“Hi, I hope I’m not bothering you,” he said when she told him to come in.
“What’s up?” she asked. “File causing problems again?”
He turned it around so she could see to what he was referring. “This is the only title in the file, in spite of there being six buildings in the area. We ran a tax record search, and four of the six buildings are up to date. That might pose a problem, unless the developer has already approached them about selling. Not sure if we even need to go to this depth. Are we thinking too hard?”
She looked through the file, closed it, and handed it back to him. “Sit down. I have to think about this, okay?” She stared at her computer screen for a few minutes. “Those buildings are already owned by the developer,” she said. “You’re thinking too hard.” She smiled at him and returned to her computer screen, dismissing him.
He wasn’t going to let her off that easily. “Would you have a drink with me after work?” What the hell! he thought. I’m going to either get in or not, might as well find out right away.
Marie hesitantly looked away from the screen. “You’re kidding, right?” She did not look amused.
“You only have to say no. Can’t blame a guy for trying, can you?”
She wanted to reach across the desk and slap the smug look off of his face. “Go back to work, Stevie, break time is over.” She went back to her computer screen. “Oh, and by the way,” she dug around under her desk and pulled out her phone, “just in case you feel the urge to try to use this against me or pull any crap with that file, you’re recorded.” She stuck it back in the drawer and went back to whatever was fascinating her on her computer screen.
Steve Marks was concerned. He was a rogue, not a criminal. He’d be more careful around Miss Fabulous, but he wasn’t through with her yet. He got up and slightly bowed, which she did not miss, either.
“And close my door,” she told him.
~ ~ ~
After he left the office, Marie sat back in her chair, her hands shaking and teeth chattering. Not knowing if she was overreacting or not, she had a vision of herself as being totally vulnerable now that Jack was dead. Arthur claimed to want to protect her, but she often felt like it gave him a sexual thrill to see her talking to other men. So now, in her very own office, the enemy was circling. She missed Jack. He would tell her to call the cops if she felt the least bit threatened. Steve Marks didn’t threaten her, but she thought his ballsy disrespect unnerving. The phone ringing interrupted her thoughts; she had a call on line two. She hit the button and said hello.
“Miss Fabian, this is Joanne from the clinic. Am I getting you at a bad time?”
“No, not at all,” Marie answered, her heart thumping. “I’m just surprised you’re calling me already. I thought it would be weeks.”
“Because of your special circumstances, I pushed your case through as an emergency, and it is back already. Can you come back this afternoon?”
Marie already knew that nothing would be said to her over the phone, so she agreed to come over in a half hour.
“I’ll see you then,” Joanne said and hung up.
Maybe because asshole Steve Marks had already upset her, she was surprisingly calm for someone who was about to get what could be life-changing news. She cleaned up her desk, slipping her phone back into her purse, having proven its value in the harassment department, and headed out the door. She decided to walk downtown. It was a beautiful day, and she needed the exercise. The upbeat mood persisted until she got to the building. Its official-looking facade was a grim reminder of the business that was conducted within.
Joanne was waiting for her, saving her from having to register again. She held her arm out in a gathering posture, inviting Marie to come in. She would be there to try to protect her. But in the long run, there was nothing Joanne—or anyone else, for that matter—could do to protect Marie. The damage had been done. She, too, had full-blown AIDS. Only hers was worse than Pam’s. The disease had taken hold because of her poor nutritional status, and she was really sick. Joanne arranged for Marie to see a doctor that afternoon; they would prescribe the drugs she needed to start taking right away. She needed to have scans done, too. There were opportunistic diseases that she was wide open to contract, and they wanted to make sure she didn’t have any of them yet.
Joanne read down the list of dos and don’ts for the disease: Don’t have sex without a condom, or better, practice abstinence; use a rubber dam if she was going to engage in oral sex; don’t share needles; be careful kissing if she had any open sores in her mouth. She was appalled as this stranger recited intimate things that Marie should refrain from. She hadn’t intended on ever again having sex with a soul right after Jack died, but that was her melodrama talking. She fully intended on getting Jeff into bed as soon as possible. Now this! When their talk was over, Marie stumbled out of the clinic and started walking back uptown toward her apartment.
Each step closer to home brought her to the realization that someone who she had devoted her life to, even more so than her sister, had betrayed her in the worst possible way. It meant giving up the promise of having her own children, a husband and a life. By giving her AIDS, Jack had sealed their love with an unbreakable bond. She was bound to him forever by the virus. No matter what, Jack’s DNA would always dwell within her. No one could possibly love her because of it. She was ruined.
&nbs
p; That night, she had horrible dreams about Jack being alive and refusing to see her and marrying Sandra, flaunting the baby in her face and divorcing Pam. In one, Pam changed into a demented crone, a hermit who shunned even her own children because they continued to worship the man who was their father. Twice, Marie woke up screaming. The next morning, she walked to work as usual but in a fog. Her life wasn’t going to change much. She had these drugs to take, and aside from practicing safe sex if she ever found a mate again, there was nothing that she had to do differently except try to live a healthier lifestyle. She kept to herself when she got to the office, closing the door, as was the practice now, and getting down to work.
Around eleven, Steve Marks knocked on her door again. What is this guy up to? she thought. He was looking at her through the sidelight, so she wriggled her finger for him to come in. He slid through the door like a snake and closed it behind him.
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he started. “That was tacky of me, for sure. Can we start over?” He looked sincere, but she didn’t know. She was getting a vibe from him that he was a player. She had been sleeping with one since she was a teenager; he couldn’t hide it from her.
“What exactly is it that you want from me?” she asked.
“Nothing. I’d just like to get to know you better—outside of the office,” he said flirtatiously.
She frowned. “Haven’t you ever heard the old saying, ‘Don’t shit where you eat’? You should practice it,” she said to him. “Plus, aren’t you a little old for this?”
The comment threw him, and he started laughing, a boisterous, hearty laugh. “You really know how to hurt a guy!” he responded.
“Well, you’ve been here a week, and you’re hitting on someone who has more seniority than you. I would think you would have more common sense,” she said.
“There are no laws against asking a coworker out for a drink.” He had a grin on his face that said, No matter what you say, I am going to hound you.
Don't You Forget About Me: Pam of Babylon Book #2 Page 18