by K. S. Adkins
A man always wants his mate safe.
It’s not easy to swallow when your mate can literally take a grown man down in seconds, without help. She can kill just as easy as she can kiss. She flights as fiercely as she loves. She’s a very passionate woman, I’m such a lucky bastard.
My sole focus has always been upholding the law. She taught me that the law isn’t black and white, at least not here. It’s the gray in between.
We don’t live in some fucking vanilla city, we live in a hostile environment.
Would I want a woman who’s afraid of her own shadow? Fuck no.
So as I sit here, thinking of her beautiful face, and her crooked smile, and that sexy walk she does, I fucking know she has no choice but to pull through. Me and this woman were made for each other. She’ll wake up, I’ll tell her I fucking need her to breathe, and to tell me what we’re doing next. I won’t ever try to change her, I just want to be there to hold her up when she needs it, and hold her back if she ever goes too far. We have each other’s backs, always. We’d kill for each other, and even if people say it, the difference is we’d actually do it.
Some might think her extreme. I think she’s god damn perfect.
And I’d kill anyone who tried to take her from me again. My biggest regret was not killing the man who put her here.
I’m in the hospital. Again. I hear voices and monitors, but they feel miles away. I also remember how I ended up here, too. Gary. I killed Gary. Evaluating my situation, I ask myself if I feel bad. The answer is no.
I’ll probably never understand why he fixated on me, and I remind myself it doesn’t really matter.
While I was drifting (I guess that’s what it was) I made peace with my past. Internally, I went to a place I’ve never been before, and I don’t think has a name. I spoke to my parents, both together and privately, and it’s given me a peace that I didn’t know I was missing. That conversation is between them and I, though.
I will tell you that it was Maddy told me that helped me most.
She reminded me that I’m fragile.
Yes, even I admit it now.
I am fragile, but if I’ve proven anything, it’s that I won’t break easily.
I was able to tell each of them that I love and miss them, and that I think of them every day. I told them that I was okay and that Rogan had my back.
With every thought and feeling I give to them, I also think of him.
The man I gave my broken heart to. The man that truly healed me. The man who loves me back, cracks and all.
He’s the one who fixes me when I break, the only one who ever could.
He’s the one I fight my way back for. I’m not ready to give up.
I want to get back to my heart, my partner, my mate.
So I decide to do what I do best. Fucking fight.
I hurt. I know I do, I just can’t do much about it. My nose itches, and I need to pee, but I can’t open my eyes.
I hear him, though.
He’s humming to me. I feel him holding my hand. Have we ever held hands before? I don’t think we have, but it feels good. I suppose there are a lot of things we haven’t done yet, but I plan to do them all, because I’m done hiding.
His voice is beautiful, and I use it as a beacon to fight through these layers of fog.
I try to grip his hand but I don’t think I do. I try again.
Not letting frustration get the best of me I try to open my eyes. Fail.
Wiggle my toes. Zilch.
Fuck.
Nothing works!
Focus, listen to his voice. What song is he humming? Do I know it?
Wait, I feel his hand in my hair.
I want to sink my hands into his beard and never let go.
Open your eyes!
I reach for Kharma, needing a burst of bad ass, but she’s still on vacation. Still letting me fly solo? Okay fine, I get it.
I can do this.
He stopped humming, and I feel myself starting to sink back. Shit! Sing something, say something! Don’t let me go, please…
“Macy says there’s a good chance you can hear me, so I want you to know that you can come back whenever you’re ready. There’s no rush, take care of shit, then open those beautiful eyes when you’re ready. I’m not leaving.”
His voice calms me. His is the only voice that ever will. He keeps humming and talking, making it easier for me to find him. He’s close, but so far. I hear the door open and someone walk in, but I don’t know who.
“How’s our girl?” So it’s the Captain, then.
“Still healing,” he says. “Vitals are strong, and Macy says it just a matter of time. She says this is normal, it’s only been three days.”
“Mind if I talk to her?”
He must have nodded and moved because I feel a different hand holding mine now, the Captain’s hand. I’d know it anywhere.
“Hey, baby girl,” he says. “It’s me. I wanted to tell you that I’m not angry, and I don’t want you feeling guilty. Truth is, I lost my son a long time ago. When you came to stay with us, he was already in bad shape, but even then, he loved you beyond reason. He was sick, Venessa. Diane and I tried everything, but he wouldn’t have it. Then we lost you, too. We let you go without a fight, because he was unpredictable and it was a matter of time before he crossed a line with you, and I think you knew it, too. I’m proud of you, Venessa. Since you were seventeen, you’ve dealt with shit no kid should have to deal with, and you need to know we won’t lose you again. You need us like we need you. Rogan here, well, he’s a different guy now. He actually talks. He hasn’t left your side, you know. Come back, and put the boy out of his misery okay? I love you, baby girl, and I’ll be seeing you soon.”
The Cap kisses my cheek, and I feel something in my chest break open. He forgives me. He loves me. God, I needed that.
The door opens and closes, and then I hear another voice talking to Rogan. It’s her, my best friend.
“Hey, Venessa,” she says, twirling my hair. “I was thinking about something on the way here this morning. Do you know that we’ve been there for every major event in each other’s lives? Who can say that? We taught each other how to do our hair, wear make-up, and drive a car… But what I remember is all the things you taught me. You and I have been inseparable since we were kids. You’re the only person I go to about anything. I’ve always wanted to be tough like you, fearless like you, selfless like you. I think that you might even want to be like me a little bit, too. That’s what makes us so great together. We balance each other out. You know who else balances you out? This guy sitting next to me, right now. He’s like the male version of me, but with a beard and a shitty disposition. What I’m trying to say is, I love you for who you are, and I wanted to thank you for saving me. I knew you would, too. This wasn’t the first rescue you’ve staged for me, and I’ll never forget it. I’ve got rounds, but I’ll be back to torture you in a few. Ciao.”
She whispers in my ear, “I owe you everything,” then leaves the room.
The Doctor comes in, talks to Rogue, and I do my best to listen, but I tune him out. I focus on opening my eyes instead. Minutes later, I hear him say, “Make it quick,” when another body makes it to my bedside.
“Baby.” Tony, then.
“Baby her again, and I’ll bounce your ass out,” he says, with less gruff than usual.
“Yeah, yeah,” says Tony, “Venessa, you need to wake up alright? If you wanted a vacation, you should have just said so. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. Someplace warm, where you’ll only wear a string bikini, serving me drinks, sounds good.”
“God dammit,” he growls. “You want me to kill you. Is that it?”
“I’m keeping my options open,” says Tony. “She could wake up and not remember you, and fall madly in lust with me. I’m prepared for that eventuality, are you?” He’s baiting him, and for some reason this is fucking hilarious to me. I think he’s realized who has my heart, but can’t resist yanking his dick, so to
speak. For better or for worse, probably worse, Anthony Gallo will always be my friend.
“Get the fuck out,” he says.
“She won’t like you talking to me this way. She’s very protective, if you haven’t noticed,” says Tony. “But I’ll leave, only because I need to go pick out a barely there suit for her.”
He growls, then I hear the door open and close again. Rogan repositions himself next to me, taking my hand again.
“You need to wake up and tell me again why you’re friends with that fucker,” he says. “You don’t expect me to like him do you? Ain’t gonna happen. I think he gets his nails done. I ain’t down with that shit.”
“I know I said to take your time, but I lied,” he says quietly. “I’m needing you pretty bad here.”
I hear him sigh and, as much as I want to open my eyes up, I just can’t. I want to comfort him, but I can’t speak. This is fucking maddening.
“How’s the lady of the hour doing?” Rafe says, walking in and owning the room.
“She’s trying to come back, I can feel it.”
“She’s the baddest female I know,” says Rafe. “It’s just a matter of time. You hungry?”
“No.”
“You want to go clean up?” asks Rafe. “I’ll sit with her.”
“No.”
“Let me rephrase it, then,” says Rafe. “Get the fuck gone, I want to talk to her.”
“Make it quick,” he growls. “I promised her I wouldn’t leave.”
“Go,” he says. “I won’t take long.”
Hearing Rogue leave, I’m finding myself eager to hear what Rafe has to say. This is a guy who I’ve noticed talks shit more than anything else. I feel myself getting closer to snapping out of this damn funk, and even though I’m squirming on the inside, on the outside nothing’s happening.
“Thought he’d never leave,” he says taking my hand. “Just wanted to, uh, say thank you. For, uh, saving Macy, and for saving Rogan, too. He’s different with you, almost human. I’ve always loved the guy, but I always felt like he just tolerated me. Now I think maybe he does like me, but just has a shit way of showing it. You, though, that guy comes alive for you, like you do for him. So you need to snap out of it and make him right again.”
I’ve never had my hand held so much in my life. I like it. Who knew? Rafe has a firm grip, which to me is a comfort. He’s also bat shit crazy over Macy. I can’t get a read on her, though, and let me just say that’s a first.
“It’s weird how shit happens,” he says. “He finds you, and finally gets something right in his life. I find Macy because of you, and I’m fucking it up left and right. I’m into her, Venessa. Don’t know what to do about it, though. That woman is special. I’ve never dealt with special before. Train wrecks, hot messes, pyschos, even a stutterer, but never someone like her. She’s got her shit together. Thing is, when I’m with her shit makes sense. When I’m not, I’m figuring out how I can show up, without her tazing me. Yeah, you can laugh. She pulled a taser on me again. She probably got it as a birthday gift from you or some shit. I can hear him pacing outside of the door, so get your ass back here, so you can help me get the girl alright? You did good, Venessa. Real fuckin’ good.”
He kisses my cheek and leaves the room.
I hear Rogue come back in and I’m anxious to have him touch me again. But Rafe? Damn. I really like that guy. He’ll be good for Macy, if he can get past her defenses. I can’t help smiling to myself, thinking that she busted out the taser again. Hell yeah!
Feeling his weight register on the bed, I notice he’s humming to me again and it’s the oddest thing. I feel lighter.
Like maybe I’m floating again, but not away from something, but toward something.
Him.
Leaving her in Rafe’s care doesn’t sit well with me at all. What if she needs me? What if she wakes up? What if he says something that upsets her? So, I decided I’d wait outside the door, just in case.
If there’s one thing about Rafe, it's that he has no ability to be quiet. He’s a loud talker. It used to piss me off, but that guy never gave up on me, so I’ll tolerate his loud ass mouth. He’s not just a partner anymore, he’s a friend, too. He helped me out a lot since meeting Venessa, so I owe him for having my back, and hers.
He’s into Macy. She’s good people. Plus, Venessa loves her, so she gets my vote.
The two of them together, though? I don’t see it, but what the fuck do I know. Macy is a class act all the way. Rafe? He likes to…Well, damn. I guess I don’t really know what he likes to do. Whatever it is, it’s probably not shit she’s into, and he’s probably really fucking loud when he does it.
Staring at her, I never thought I’d feel this way about another person. With her, its elemental, this bone deep need to share air with her. I can’t stop looking at her. I can’t stop holding her hand, either. She has these tiny little hands, and they fit just right in mine. Having this connection to her grounds me, weird as that sounds. I can literally feel her fighting to come back, so I push all of my energy toward her, urging her to take it. She’s close. I can feel it.
“Fight, Angel,” I say. “Fucking fight. I’ve got you.”
Jesus Christ! Her fingers just moved!
If Macy or the doc walked in they'd kick my ass for this, but I can’t hold out anymore. I move the tubing that’s attached to her out of the way so I can bring her into my lap. I take my right arm and support her head and neck, and with the left I move her up onto my lap. I’m holding her like I would someone’s kid. I rock with her, I hum to her.
“I’ve got you,” I say. “Come back to me. It’s safe, Angel. I’ve got you. I love you. Need you, Angel. Come back and save me. This isn’t how it ends, this is how it begins. Come back.”
I bury my face in her neck, and continue to rock her. Asking her to come back, to save me this time.
Knowing she’s close has me so worked up that it takes me a second to figure out why her hair and neck are wet.
I panic, wondering if she’s bleeding. Did I hurt her? Then I realize it’s not her.
It’s me.
I’m fucking crying.
Okay, so fuck it, I’m crying. Dudes cry. I live for this little life in my arms. I’m no pussy for saying so.
Now that I feel better about it, I really fucking cry.
I feel a tug on my beard and the entire god damned world screeches to halt.
I jerk my head up and there she is, my angel.
Fucking smiling for me.
“Rogue.”
“You came back to me,” I manage to say, while bawling like a bitch.
“I keep my promises.”
“Anything you need, you tell me. What can I get you?” I beg, willing to get her anything she needs.
“Can we take a vacation?”
“Fuck yeah, we can,” I promise.
Two fucking amazing weeks later…
Outside of this wicked ass scar, hidden under my hair, I’m looking like me again. I’m happy to report I can use the restroom alone. (Which translates to him waiting outside the door.) My bruises are healing, the staples have come out and I can’t wait to be able to train again.
I’m also able to stay awake longer, since I gave my pain meds to Rafe, who needed them after Macy did, in fact, taze him after another produce reference.
Rogan’s been with me, here in my loft, and the Cap gave him paid time off to keep me on the road to recovery. Diane, though not wanting to see me all banged up, did call me and we had a very long overdue, and seriously emotional chat. She doesn’t hold what went down with Gary against me, either and, truthfully? I think she and the Cap both feel like he’s finally free, even if they never say it out loud.
Macy avoids Rafe like the fucking hounds of hell are after her and its driving him insane, poor guy. Just listening to him trying to talk to her is painful. Macy is really laid back, and not easy to rile, but shit, the things that come of that boy's mouth? No lie, it’s that bad.
Tony ca
lls to piss Rogan off daily, but he’s more annoyed than pissed. I’m trying to figure out how that happened, but when I ask, I’m graciously ignored. Max is struggling with a shitload of guilt about Gary finding me. I had texted him earlier, asked him out to lunch for real this time, hoping to ease his mind and let him know he’s not at fault. He’s excited about lunch, so we agreed to make it early next week. Did I mention? I’m actually showing up this time.
The boys are holding it down for me at the club for now. The doc says after suffering a seizure, I need to stay away from the ear splitting music and strobe lights.
Although I’m not happy about it, Rogan insists that I listen.
I fucking hate being told what to do.
Macy and I, though, she’s been her usual hands on best friend. She washes my hair, does my nails and toes, and after Rogue cut my knees, took over leg shaving duties, since I’m not allowed to bend over yet. We laugh more, we touch more, and she even told me how she sees me through her eyes. I did the same. She’ll never believe me, but she really is the coolest fucking chick I know.
So while I’m stuck here healing, what passes the time?
The four of us watch movies, eat meals together, watch the Lions lose their asses (again). The guys pick on my poor ‘artsy’ neighbors, and at night when Macy and Rafe leave (separately), I play my guitar and sing to Rogan. What’s crazy amazing? He sings now, too. I should mention he has the voice of Tom Waits mixed with Warren Zevon, which means it’s fucking beautiful.
Tomorrow, the Cap asked if he could come over and talk to us about a few things, which I’m guessing is the paperwork we need to do, and statements I need to give to put this to rest.
But tonight? Tonight, Detective Rogan Black is all mine.
These last two weeks have been the best and worst of my life. Having her to myself was what I thought was going to happen. What actually happened was every fucking hour someone else stopped by, like her loft had a god damned revolving door. We’ve had pimps, hookers, dealers, ex-dealers, and a fucking crime boss visiting, and to say that I had no issues with it means something. These people love her; she’s a part of their lives, a good part. She’s healing, that’s the best part. The worst is that I want her so fucking bad I can’t walk straight.