by Tracey Ward
His smile fades, his face becoming unreadable. It’s in a language I don’t understand. One I’ve never been taught to speak. I’ve only seen it once before when the lingering chords of this same melody hung in the air like ice shards, glistening and fragile. Impermanent and perfect.
But this is a different world, a different me, a different man, and when I lean in to meet him I feel the room start to thaw. My skin flushes pink and alive, my pulse strumming steadily in my throat, beating out a new song that’s determined and strong. Desirous in its tune. Clear in its meaning, in any language you choose.
Grayson understands it. He’s singing it in his eyes, his deep, dark blue eyes that pull me in and under and drown me again and again. I wait for him to close them. To close the gap between us, but suddenly he’s pulling away. He’s up off the couch. He’s putting his bottle down on the counter with an unsteady hand that leaves it rocking precariously before it finally settles.
“It’s late,” he says quietly. “I should go. I have to go.”
He reaches for the door, his hand falling heavy on the knob. He hesitates.
My heart is in my throat.
One… Two…
I’m hanging on his unspoken words, waiting for them to explain. To tell me why.
Three… Four…
“Goodnight, Liv.”
He opens the door, closing it gently behind him.
The song comes to a halt, crashing cacophonously on the floor.
Chapter Thirty-One
Gray
My eyes snap open in the dark. My clock stares back at me. An unapologetic jerk, it proclaims proudly that it’s closing in on four-thirty. Liv will be banging on the wall soon, but not yet. I didn’t hear anything. So why am I awake?
Because you almost kissed Liv. You wanted to, she wanted you to, and you ran like a coward. Cowards don’t sleep.
I roll over in bed to stare up at the ceiling. I’m trying to make my mind as blank as the gray canvas above me. As shapeless and meaningless. I try to find calm in nothing.
It doesn’t work.
All I find is a feeling in the pit of my stomach that says something is wrong. Something is happening. I just don’t know what.
I groan as I throw my feet off the bed down onto the floor. I stumble through my apartment checking on everything. There’s not much to look at. I don’t have anything in here that could start a fire. My sink isn’t running, not overflowing. All of my lights work and when they cast their yellow glow over the room everything is in place.
The problem isn’t here. It isn’t with me.
“Liv,” I whisper.
My stomach flips furiously when I say her name.
I snag my keys off the table, darting for the door. I realize in the hall that I’m in my shorts, barefoot and shirtless, but I don’t care. I pound on Liv’s door hard, waking the dead and probably everyone else on this floor. Everyone but her.
“Liv! Open the door!”
Nothing. I pound again, harder.
“Liv!”
No reply.
I thrust the key into the lock, banging the door open. Every light is on. Both bedroom doors are open. Liv is lying on the floor in the first one. Facedown. Hair splayed out around her head like a cloud of caramel.
She’s not moving. I don’t think she’s breathing.
I run to her, dropping to the ground next to her with a hard thud on my knees. I roll her small body over delicately, pushing her hair out of her face. She’s pale. Ashen. But she’s breathing. Just barely. I lean over her face and catch the scent of biscuits and barley on her breath. Nothing else.
“Liv!” I slap at her cheeks, trying to wake her up. Begging her to open her eyes, even a little. “Liv, wake up! Open your eyes!”
She doesn’t hear me.
“Gray, what the hell, man?” Fren calls sleepily from the hall.
“Radio Kanden!” I shout to him. “Tell her we’re bringing in a critical!”
He appears in the doorway, his face suddenly very awake. “What happened?”
“I don’t know.” I scoop Liv up in my arms, holding her close to my chest. Her head lolls to the side like a broken doll. “But I think Liv is dying.”
***
Fuller waits in the lobby with me. He heard the call on the radio. He showed up only a minute after I brought Liv in. He hasn’t said anything since he got here and I haven’t said a word to him. I don’t know what he’s thinking. Honestly, I don’t care. All I can think about is Liv’s cold, limp body dangling in my arms as I ran here. My body burns with exertion, my arms and back aching, but I understand now how Easton was able to carry her here the day her people were buried. Adrenaline is an incredible thing.
Dr. Kanden and Abby come silently down the hall. Their faces are indecipherable. My legs feel shaky as Captain Fuller and I stand to meet them.
“What’s the word, Doc?” the Captain asks brusquely.
“She’s alive. She’s stable.”
I breathe out in a rush of relief, my head falling back weakly.
“Do we know what happened?”
“It was an overdose.”
My head snaps up. “Of what? Liv doesn’t take any drugs. Where would she even get them?”
Dr. Kanden’s face is pinched with some impossible emotion. It looks like frustration and anger but there’s sadness in her eyes. “From what I can tell it was Narthenol.”
She exchanges a knowing look with Captain Fuller. One I’m not supposed to be in the loop on so I pretend I’m not, but we’re all thinking the same thing. Liv was poisoned with the same drug stolen from the supply closet.
“Did someone inject her with it?” I ask Dr. Kanden.
“No. She doesn’t have a single needle mark on her body. I think she ingested it. She had a full stomach when she came in. It’s empty now but most of it was indigested.”
“Cheese snaps?”
“How did you know?”
“They’re her favorite. She loves them. Babs just gave her a new batch the day before yesterday and last night she told me she was going to gorge herself on them this morning.”
“Do a lot of people know she loves them?” Captain Fuller asks.
“Anyone who sits anywhere near her at meals could have overheard her talk about them. She and Easton buy bags of them every week.”
“It’s a dead end. Anyone can get into the kitchens. You just walk in. If they knew they were her favorite they’d only have to find the batch, drug them, and let her poison herself.”
I shake my head, unconvinced. “But the batches are huge and a lot of people take orders from them, not just Liv and Easton. Babs doesn’t bag them until Liv goes in and pays. The only way to make sure Liv ate the Narthenol would be to dose the entire batch. If no one else has come in with the same symptoms, it didn’t happen in the kitchen. It had to be someone who could get into the Forces dormitory. The same person who got in and painted her door.”
“They would have had to get inside her apartment,” Captain Fuller muses. “But the only people with keys to it are her, you, and me.”
“Could someone have picked the lock?” Dr. Kanden suggests.
“Am I the only one thinking the obvious?” Abby asks suddenly.
We all turn to her, surprised and silent. I’d honestly forgotten she was there.
She rolls her eyes. “Liv works here. She’s the one who told us the Narthenol was missing. She could have stolen it for herself.”
“What are you saying?” I ask angrily. “You seriously think she did this to herself?”
“I seriously think she might have a problem.”
“Abby,” Dr. Kanden scolds mildly.
“I mean it! She’s either hooked on drugs or hooked on Gray.”
I glare at her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh really? Weird timing, isn’t it? You’re not guarding her anymore and suddenly she gets hurt. And what will happen now? You’ll go back to watching her like a hawk, won’t y
ou? It’s exactly what she wants.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Or maybe now that you’re not watching her every move she can raid the supply closet all she wants. Get high until she dies.”
“She’s a victim, not a druggy,” I tell her sharply. “And if I hear you’re spreading anything else around, we’re gonna have a problem.”
“Oh really? You’d hit a girl?”
“I’m not convinced you are one.”
“Micah knew for sure.”
“Micah knew you were a sure thing. That’s it.”
“That’s enough,” Dr. Kanden steps in. “Abby, go to your post. Now.”
She stays to stare daggers at me for a few seconds longer before turning to storm down the hall.
Captain Fuller clears his throat uncomfortably. “I’ll go by the apartment myself. Check the locks to see if they’ve been jimmied. Either way, I’ll put in a request for new locks to be installed today. ”
“Thank you, Captain,” I tell him gratefully.
He nods once. “Abby is right about one thing. You’re back on guard for now. Whether you’re protecting her from herself or someone else, we can’t leave her alone.”
“She didn’t do this to herself.”
“We’ll see. People can surprise you, son. No one knows what’s going on inside another human being.” He turns to Dr. Kanden. “I’ll ask you to be in charge of her care. You and only you. We may have a breach in our ranks and the only way to protect her from it is to tighten up around her. You, myself, and Grayson will be her only contacts for a while.”
“I understand,” she agrees solemnly.
Captain Fuller nods to both us in a goodbye before leaving the lobby.
I immediately turn to Dr. Kanden.
“When can I see her?”
“As soon as you put a shirt on.”
I blush, glancing down at my naked torso. Wiggling my naked toes. I’d forgotten I was only wearing shorts. “Oh yeah.”
“I have some spare clothes here. I can find you one that will fit. Then you can see Liv.”
“Is she awake?”
“No, she’s out. She’s resting in her old room.”
“Is that safe? With the Narthenol in her system?”
Dr. Kanden smiles patiently at me trying to do her job. “She’s alright, Grayson. I promise. It’s not the sedative that’s exhausted her. I had to pump her stomach. It’s an uncomfortable process. She’s done with everything for the night. Let’s let her sleep.”
“I’m staying in the room with her,” I warn.
“I think you should. Your old cot is across the hall.”
“Thanks.”
Dr. Kanden surprises me when she puts her hand on my arm. “I mean it,” she vows seriously. “She’s going to be just fine.”
I can’t explain how I feel when she makes that promise. The hot air, the anger, the fear, it all leaches out of me in a rush on a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I feel disoriented with it gone. Oddly vulnerable, like she’s seeing too much. Like I’m made of thin paper being held up to the light, and even I didn’t know what secret I was hiding. Now there it is. Plain as day. Clear as a cold night sky.
It’s Liv’s name written over and over again.
White script I can’t read. Words that I can feel.
***
Liv sleeps through the morning. Word travels fast through the town because by three that afternoon she’s had a surprising number of visitors, every one of them met in the lobby and turned away. Easton. Fren. Krysan. Trae. Babs. I made sure not to tell Babs what Liv had been eating when she got sick. There’s no way she could have stopped what happened to her, but Babs would crumble under the guilt of knowing what hurt Liv.
Karina shows up just after three, one of the last to come by.
“Do you have any idea who did it?” she asks softly.
“No, not a clue. Not yet.”
“That is so scary.” She wraps her arms around herself, glancing down the hall. “She must be freaking out.”
“She’s asleep. She hasn’t woken up yet.”
She ventures a look at my face. “How about you? How are you feeling?”
“Tired.”
“That’s it?”
“I’m pissed this happened to her,” I growl. “I’m going to find out who did it.”
“I thought you’d be sad.”
“Of course I’m sad! She could have died. She had to have her stomach pumped.”
“Don’t get mad at me, Gray,” she demands wearily.
“I’m not mad, I’m just…” I take a breath, slowing myself. “I don’t get why you do this.”
“Do what?”
“Why you push about how I feel when it comes to Liv. If you have a question, ask me. Stop trying to lead me into a trap.”
“I’m not trying to lead you into anything,” she insists defensively.
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
I scoff in disbelief. “’Is she pretty, Gray?’ ‘You like being stuck with her, don’t you, Gray?’ ‘I thought you’d be sad she almost died, Gray.’ What are you getting at, Karina? Just say it.”
Her face goes pink with embarrassment but her jaw is set hard. “I think you know what I’m getting at.”
“I wanna hear you say it out loud.”
“Are you in love with her?”
“Are you in love with Easton?” I fire back immediately.
Her blush deepens. “You had that loaded in the chamber, didn’t you?”
“For years.”
“And you accused me of leading you into a trap.”
“And now you’re trying to get out of answering it.”
“So are you.”
I shake my head in frustration, looking away. We shouldn’t be having this conversation. Not right now. Or maybe we should have had it months ago. A year ago. Maybe we should have cleared this all up when we were still kids, before growing up ruined us.
“Just admit it,” I plead tiredly. “Admit that I’m not enough for you.”
Her eyes go wide with shock. “You’re more than enough for me. For anyone.”
“I’m not him enough. He’s the hero. The one who leads every charge, who has the noble goals and intentions and the sun shines on his back, but I’m never going to be him. I want you to stop looking at me like someday I’ll wake up and I’ll be him. I’ll be bigger, smarter, stronger, braver. It’s never going to happen because all I am is me and that’s all I’ll ever be. I’m a washed out shadow missing all the pieces that make the man and I’d rather be alone than be with you wishing I was something I’m not.”
She’s stunned. Her mouth lies open, her eyes wide and amazed. “Gray,” she whispers sadly.
“No, don’t. I already know. I’ve known it for the last couple of years.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“I know you love him.”
Her mouth snaps closed, the caging of her truth an admission in and of itself.
My right leg shakes nervously, jostling me. “Will you admit that at least?”
“Yes.”
Her voice is small, almost nothing. Barely a whisper, but it’s like she’s screaming. I can hardly stand it. I knew it, but now I know it and I can’t bear it.
I turn to leave.
“Gray!” she cries after me.
I ignore her.
“I loved you too, you know!”
That stops me. That freezes my feet to the floor like the frost rising around my ankles. To my knees. Up my torso. Reaching for my heart.
“I loved you,” Karina continues quietly. “The way I feel about Easton, it… it’s different. It’s new and I don’t want it but it’s there. I would never lie to you about it. But before that, for years, Gray, for years I loved you. I tried so many times to show you, to tell you, but you always ran. It was like you could see it coming and you didn’t want it, so I stopped trying. I stopped loving you.”
I look over my shou
lder, my eyes on the floor because I can’t manage her face. “I never knew.
“Because you didn’t want to.” She sniffs quietly. “Tell me the truth. Do you really think you’re in love with me right now?”
I can’t answer. I shut my eyes tightly, begging the moment to pass. I set it in motion and now I can’t make it stop.
“I don’t know.”
“Running,” she snaps angrily, calling me out. “Answer me. I answered you. You owe me that much. Do you love me?”
I turn full around, opening my eyes. Searching her face. It’s one I’ve known almost all my life. I’ve seen it laugh, seen it cry. I’ve watched it mature, watched her become the woman she is today. I’ve lived it and I’ve learned it. Admired it. Desired it.
But do I love it?
“No.”
Karina nods, tears slipping down her pale cheeks. “Then you can’t be mad at me anymore either. We’re even. We’re done with this.”
Karina leaves me. For the night, for the moment, but it feels like forever. I watch her go and I know that when I see her again nothing will be the same. I won’t know what we are because I can’t get a grip on what we could have been. Nothing? Everything?
It doesn’t matter now. Whatever it was, it’s over.
***
It’s just after four when she wakes up. I’m in the room with her. The hospital is silent. Her pained moan is loud as a gunshot in the small space, snapping me from my post by the door to her side in a second.
“Hey,” I greet her quietly. “You okay?”
She blinks up at me, her eyes reluctant to open. “Where am I?”
“We’re at the hospital.”
She groans uncomfortably.
“What’s wrong?”
“I hate being in the hospital,” she whines weakly.
I grin. “Too bad. You’re stuck here for a couple days.”
“I threw up again.”
“You threw up a lot. It’s kind of your thing.”
She grimaces. “I need a new thing.”
“I won’t argue that.”
Liv moves to sit up. I pull her pillow in place behind her back, giving her something to support her. It’s a struggle for her to move. Her stomach is probably killing her after the workout it got in the last few hours. I move to help her but she waves me away.