by Tillie Cole
“Okay,” Lilah said quietly. I heard the subtle edge of nerves in her voice. “Come over here.” She led me to the chairs on the lawn.
Her hand never left mine, a quiet support. And, with a deep breath, I told her everything.
“Phebe . . .” Lilah said sadly when I finished talking. Tears were streaming down her face. “Where is she? Your Sapphira?”
“I do not know.” I lowered my head. “But I dream of her often. I see her in my mind’s eye each day. She is always with me, yet so far away at the same time.” I frowned. “Last night I dreamed she was begging me for help. She was hurt and afraid and needed me. I dreamed . . .” I turned my head away to escape Lilah’s stare. Lilah’s hand squeezed mine. “She called me ‘Mother.’” I laughed through my tears. “Finally, Lilah. She called me ‘Mother.’”
“Phebe . . .” Lilah whispered in sympathy.
“But she does not even know. She believes I am her sister.” I paused. “But I cannot get this dream from my head. Dreams fade, become a forgotten memory. This one grows stronger by the minute.”
“Beauty always says one must listen to their dreams, as there is a message somewhere within them. One which we must listen to. Decipher.”
“Beauty?” I asked.
“The old lady of one of the brothers, Tank. You will meet her eventually. She is a sweet woman.” I nodded, absently listening to her explanation. But my mind was too preoccupied with what this Beauty said of dreams. That dreams were a message about something.
I thought of Sapphira begging me for help. The potion, her hand in mine, her pleading with me to remember . . . trying to find the deeper meaning.
“Mama?” Grace’s cautious voice came from the doorway. “I have read four books. Can I come see Aunt Phebe now?”
I laughed at how tenacious Grace was. Even in New Zion she had been pushier than other girls. Pushy and beautiful, but her nature muted by the repression we found ourselves in. If Cain had not gotten her out when he did, she would have been deemed a cursed and thus schooled—sexually—by an elder . . . an innocent child, only eight years of age. I thanked God every day that I had hidden her well enough. That she had not fallen into Meister’s arms either. He had always watched her closely. Like he craved her. Like he . . .
Ice trickled down my spine. It made me remember something . . . something important . . .
Lilah sighed, then looked at me for an answer to Grace’s question. “Of course!” I shouted loud enough for Grace to hear, as whatever bit of information was rising to the surface of my mind slipped away again. Grace sprang from the deck and ran to where we stood. She put her hand in mine and pulled me from my chair.
“You know what hide-and-seek is, Aunt Phebe?”
“Yes,” I said with an indulgent smile.
“We get to go into the woods!”
“Not too far, only where I can see you,” Lilah butted in.
“I’ll go hide first.” Grace turned me around. “You count to sixty then come and get me.”
I heard her running away and began to count. “I know you feel guilty about what happened to me on Perdition Hill,” Lilah said, interrupting my counting. “But you must know what you did for me by bringing Grace into my life. I know you are burdened with guilt. But you gave Ky and me Grace. Nothing else matters beyond that now . . . you made us a family.” Lilah came to stand before me. I stared at her scar and tried not to disagree. Her hand pressed against my cheek. “You would have been a great mother given the chance. You always loved me and cared for me as a child. And Grace adores you, talks of how you cared for her in New Zion when no one else did.” I sucked on my lip to hide the trembling. “And when we find Sapphira again, because the Hangmen will find her, you will get that chance to tell her who you are, that you love her. And she will be the luckiest girl in the world, because she will have you.”
“Lilah,” I said softly.
She smiled. “And I will be an aunt. I cannot wait.” The sound of rustling leaves came from behind me, and I laughed, knowing it was Grace running through the woods.
“Coming, ready or not!” I shouted. I turned from Lilah and ran into the woods. Curiously, with every step, I felt somewhat lighter. Yet something dark remained in the back of my head. Something out of reach that I could simply not decode.
*****
The smell of the smoking barbeque drifted into the woods. I heard the sound of laughter and felt my stomach flip in nerves. This was the rest of the Hangmen. The men who had seen me that night at the bar, seducing, fishing. AK had told me of my actions that night. And as much as he told me I should not be embarrassed by my behavior, I could not help it.
I paused behind AK’s cabin and leaned against a nearby tree. You can do this. I took several deep breaths, and just as I was about to step out of the woods and into the clearing, I saw Ky and AK walking my way. I smiled, about to reveal my presence, but the look on Ky’s face stopped me in my tracks.
“They’ve been circling for about two days now. They ain’t done nothing but drive around the compound in a white van. Same fucking time every day: eleven a.m. Like clockwork. Some built skinhead fuckers. But they’re Klan, no doubt. Or Brotherhood—I can never tell these assholes apart.”
“Meister?” AK asked roughly, and my heart felt as if it ceased to beat.
“Not him personally, but his men, we think.” Ky laughed. “Thinking they can intimidate us. Assholes.”
My hand shook on the tree when I thought of Meister. I closed my eyes. Images of him holding me down in New Zion came sailing to my head. Of him biting into my flesh, taking me hard . . . nothing like how AK had taken me. Then . . . I must eradicate what you have seen today from your weak mind. Take all of these new memories away . . .
I stumbled when an image I had not remembered before this moment came sailing back to me. A chair of some sort, hard and uncomfortable. Meister’s huge form over me as he injected needle after needle into my flesh. And I fought. I fought to hold on to something I could not forget, had vowed not to forget. I fought and I fought, but it had disappeared. There was nothing.
“What’s the plan?” AK said, breaking through my thoughts.
“We’re watching them. They don’t look like they’re gonna attack, more just scoping us out for some reason. They can’t see shit from the road anyway. Tanner is monitoring their systems for any red flags. But they try anything, anything at all, we kill them all,” Ky said and hit AK’s arm. “Just wanted you to know. They’ll be looking for Phebe. He knows she’s here. Now she’s your old lady, you needed to fucking know.”
“Thanks,” AK said. Ky gave him a wide smile.
“Fucking tied down, brother!” He laughed louder. “And to Li’s sister. Does that make us related somehow? You and me fam now, brother?”
“I fucking hope not,” AK said in response, and I could not help but feel a warmth in my heart as he laughed. Ky punched his arm, and together they walked back to the clearing.
I stayed in the woods for several more minutes, just trying to calm down. Meister knew where I was? Then he would put everyone here in danger. These men did not know him like I did. My stomach dropped . . . Lilah, Grace . . .
He would never stop until he captured me. I knew him. I knew how far his obsession with me ran. His men would not simply be circling for intimidation. Meister always had a greater purpose.
A loud burst of laughter drifted on the breeze toward me. I made my feet carry me into the clearing. Viking, AK’s best friend, was on his feet. He turned straight to me. “Here she fucking is! The ginger pussy who’s whipped my best friend!”
My face paled when all the men and women stared at me. Some regarded me warily, others with kind smiles. I did not know what to do, where to go, or what to think, until . . . “Red. Get the fuck over here.” AK’s voice cut through the music that had started playing. I looked his way and saw him in a chair beside Flame and Maddie. Another dark-haired man, with a beautiful raven-haired woman on his lap, was on his other side.
She was pregnant.
AK pulled me down onto his knees—a move I had become increasingly used to. His lips came to my ear. “You good?”
I turned to face him and kissed him on his stubbled cheek. “I am good,” I lied, not wanting him to worry. Worry that I now knew about Meister’s men. Worry about the nightmare that would not go from my mind, or the fact that I was beginning to remember things about the town I was rescued from.
I just wanted AK to be happy. I had seen glimpses of it at the lodge. I did not want my burdens to drag him back down to darkness.
The sound of Viking’s voice pulled everyone’s focus again. “And then this other time, AK and Flame burst into the crack house we were stealing from . . .” Men laughed as Viking told tale after tale. And I liked hearing about AK. I liked hearing about silly things he had done in playful moments with his friend, when the weight of his past had not burdened his mind.
My eyes drifted to the raven-haired woman beside me. Mae, she was called. I watched her cradle her stomach as she talked to Maddie. Her husband’s hand lay over her bump too, and I felt that same pit form in my own stomach as whenever I saw a mother and child. Only this time it was worse.
Save me, Mother . . . remember . . . Beauty said that we find messages in dreams . . . save me, Mother . . . remember . . .
I stilled as my blood ran cold. The potion . . . the bed . . . her beaten face . . .
Meister telling me I would forget, that he would make me forget it all . . .
No, I thought, my heart spiraling into an uncontrolled beat. It could not be true. She was safe, abroad. I knew she had been taken from New Zion. Judah had promised me . . . Judah . . .
Judah, who had lied about so much . . .
“You okay?” AK asked and turned my face to his.
I forced a smile. “Just tired.”
I shrieked as AK put his hands under my legs and lifted me into his arms. In front of everyone, he took me toward his cabin. I looked around to see them all watching us intently. My face burned with embarrassment. “You that desperate for a fuck?” Viking shouted as we reached the cabin’s door. AK flipped his finger at Viking and walked into the cabin. He laid me down on the bed, stripped me of my clothes and then shed his own. He climbed under the covers and drew me into his arms.
I did not want him to see how panicked I was inside. AK was perceptive. He saw things within me that no one ever had. I needed to deflect his attention. “You like Viking very much, do you not?” I asked. He rolled his eyes in affectionate exasperation.
“Can’t shake the fucker,” he replied. “That night I saw Dev in the hospital, I went to a bar. I needed a drink so fucking bad. It was a biker bar Dev sometimes took me to when we were both on leave. I was sitting at the bar when that asshole giant came and sat next to me. He saw me in my Marine fatigues. Fucker just smiled at me and asked, ‘How many of the assholes have you killed?’ Just came right out and asked me.” AK laughed, and I loved hearing the rumbling sound from his mouth.
“I told him to fuck off, and the fucker just laughed in my face. Five minutes later, he got into a fight with some meatheads by running his mouth again. I was itching for a fight after seeing Dev in such a damn state, so I had his back. We knocked out four of the cunts in minutes. He shook my hand, bought me a drink and asked me if I’d like to ride bikes and knock more fuckers out on a daily basis. I said yes. He brought me here, introduced me to Styx’s old man, and by the next day I was the newest prospect of the Hades Hangmen. Fucker never left me alone after that day. Then you know how we got Flame out of the nuthouse, and the rest is history. The Psycho Trio was born. Those two just got me from the start. Did one last tour that I’d already signed up for, then left the Marines for good. Been at this club ever since.”
“You love them like family,” I said. “Viking, Flame and now Asher.”
AK inhaled and lost his humor. “Yeah. Love all my brothers here, but those two are my best friends. I’d have been fucking lost without them when all the shit went down. They kept me from spiraling down to a place I couldn’t get back from.” His eyes fell. “Like I wanted to do for you.”
My heart skipped a beat.
“You are a good man, Xavier Deyes.” I placed my hand on his cheek. AK looked at me in surprise, and knowing he was the most special man I would ever meet, I spoke from my heart. “I . . . I love you,” I whispered and saw his eyes widen. “I do not expect you to say it back. I just . . . I just wanted you to know that my heart is now in your hands. You have honor, and pride, and the kindest soul in existence.” I tried to keep my voice from breaking.
I tried to hide this . . . goodbye.
“Fuck, Red.” He rolled me onto my back, his eyes searching my face. “I love you too.” My heart swelled more than I thought possible. And AK kissed me. He kissed me, and with such grace and adoration, made love to me, slowly, passionately, lovingly.
Afterwards, still wrapped in AK’s arms, I fell asleep. And when I saw Sapphira in my head again, begging me for help, I took her cold, bruised hand and promised, “I am coming for you, sweetheart. I will be with you soon.”
*****
I stopped at the edge of Lilah’s home. Just one more time. I had to see her and Grace one more time. Grace was playing with dolls on the lawn. A smile came to my lips when I saw Ky sitting opposite her playing with dolls too. “Why the fuck am I doing this shit?” he said to Lilah, who was watching them happily.
“Because you are her papa and she wanted to play with you.”
“You wanna learn how to dismantle a bike, Grace? Get your hands dirty with oil and shit instead? It’ll be fun.”
“No.” She thrust a doll at him. “We’re playing dolls. And Jamie-Rae needs to go to the salon to get her hair fixed.”
“Fuck my life!” Ky groaned and took the doll from her hand. Lilah laughed at her husband, and my heart ached at how perfect they looked. She had found it—true happiness.
“Orrrrr,” Grace sang. “We could play hide-and-seek again?”
“Again?” Lilah said in exasperation. “What is it with you and this game?”
“It’s my favorite!”
“Done.” Ky got to his feet. “Anything but this doll horseshit.”
I backed away from the edge of the backyard when I saw Grace head toward the woods to hide. I dashed through to the path, never looking back. I knew it would be nearly time, if Ky’s information had been correct. I kept running until I broke through the trees and onto the edge of the road. There were no cars or trucks yet. It was quiet, so I stood and waited.
I fought my nerves. I knew what would be waiting for me. But I had to do it. AK would be safe, and I knew she was there. The dreams were too real to be dreams. He had her. I knew it. Something in my gut told me I had to find her.
I had felt something click into place last night as AK slept, holding me close. A truth that I knew was real.
He had her.
I heard the sound of an engine coming from the bend in the road and took a deep breath. A white van—the one Ky had told AK about last night—approached. I steeled my nerves. This would be my only chance to get to Sapphira. Ky had said they came once a day. This was my only chance. AK read me too easily. If I left it any longer, he would know something was wrong. If I told him what I had remembered, he would never let me do this. But I would not risk his life, or the lives of his brothers. I fisted my hands in an effort to stifle the trembling. The van came to an abrupt stop.
A man I did not recognize came out of the van, smiled and shook his head. I did not know him, but it was obvious he knew me. He quickly looked around the woods suspiciously. “It can’t be this fucking easy.” I tried to take a step back. A gun was suddenly aimed at me, two more men coming out of the van with their guns out too.
“Get in,” the first man ordered, and another man opened the back door of the van. Terror held my legs in place and I stayed rooted to the spot. The man nearest me lurched forward, wrapping his arms around my waist. I held bac
k my instinct to scream for help. My captor dragged me toward the van. We were only a step from the back doors when I heard a sound that made my body jerk in horror and the blood drain from my face.
“Found you, Aunt Phebe!”
I turned my head, only to see Grace burst through the trees and stumble to a stop at the edge of the road. Her blue eyes widened when she saw me in the man’s arms. “Run!” I screamed, sheer terror seizing control of my body. “Run, Grace! RUN!” A hand slapped over my mouth, stopping my frantic order. Grace turned, face pale, and moved to run back into the woods. She had barely made it five yards before the second man had grabbed her by her hair and slammed his hand over mouth.
She fought.
Little Grace fought, kicked and thrashed against her capture, but the man was too big and too strong. I tried to break free. I scratched and clawed at my captor’s arms. Then the end of a gun plowed into my face, making my vision blur and my head spin. I was thrown into the back of the van, my cheek smashing against the hard floor with a thud.
“Aunt Phebe!” I lifted my head, ignoring the lights dancing across my vision to see Grace being thrown in beside me. I scrambled to where she was and took her in my arms.
“Grace,” I said, tears beginning to pour down my cheeks.
“Wh-Who are these men? I thought we were playing hide-and-seek.”
“We’ll be okay,” I said, not knowing what else I could say.
“Call Meister. Tell him we got her,” one of the men said as they slammed the doors shut and plunged us into darkness, all except a small light above us. I heard the front doors open and close and the engine turn on.
“Aunt Phebe?” Grace’s small, scared voice asked from in my arms.
“Come here, sweetheart.” I pulled her into my arms.
“You’re bleeding,” she said and I heard her voice tremble.
I smiled. “I am fine.”
“Where . . . where are we going?”
I held Grace tighter, fighting back my tears. “It will all be fine,” I said softly, knowing that every word was a lie. “I will not let anything happen to you, I swear.”