April 19, 1999
…Chalet Gourmet changing hands. Owner came over and shook my hand. It’s the end of an era.
April 21, 1999
…Jeanette over after school, made love. Cathy called—fan scene in football movie, my song, out—$35,000 disappears in seconds like a colored hankie in a shitbird magician’s fist. Roll with the punches. Lo over late. I wanted to and indeed fucked myself insensible.
May 15, 1999
…Hour long roller coaster dirt road ride with Bridget Fonda to location. Groovy trailer. Greeting Billy Bob—wearing a big wig (I said, “I had that hair for a minute.” He said, “Waddy.”)…Dwight decrees he wants me without glasses—“Under no circumstances,” I believe I said. I’m fitted out in a wool suit & hat…first scene’s Billy Bob, Bridget & I disembarking from a train. It’s not terribly hot, but I can see the dust blowing straight into my naked eyes when the wind kicks up. See Bo Hopkins again & meet Matt Clark. Between scenes I sit staring in my trailer. Billy Bob’s got us goofing eerily off each other in a long, weird dining room scene. Finally my headache lifted up, up away—fleetingly I thought about what Schopenhauer said: happiness is only the cessation of pain. Na-a-ah. Worked until after 2:00.*
May 16, 1999
…Called Jeanette from the film office—motel line tied up, no cell. Pay phone Jorge, Carl & Richard. Dirt road less unpleasant without headache. No dialogue today, just mincing after Billy Bob. Bridget is friendly, chatty. Matt Damon down from Billy Bob’s movie in N.M., introduced himself. Richard Lewis left message “order bottled steak—people who want to be assassinated honeymoon there.” Bo tells fabulous stories, does fantastic impersonations of co-stars. Dwight’s extra eccentrics, ex-bull riding painter, knife & hawk throwing former bank robber—“Corky” says he circumcised himself, Billy Bob tells us.
June 4, 1999
…Jorge & I had quite a triumph today—finished “Fistful of Rain.”
JORGE CALDERON: Warren called me one day and said, “I’ve got these songs, but I need a couple more.” He gave me the same rap he always gave me—your sensibility and mine…He had a deal with Artemis Records and these guys who produced Courtney Love’s band, Shawn Slade and Paul Kolderie, were going to produce it. He had some songs he’d recorded at “Anatomy of a Headache,” which is what he called the studio at his house, so he had most of the album except the songs we ended up writing.
In that same conversation, without thinking about writing, he was talking about money. I said, “Yeah, it’s like water through your hands. Like a fistful of rain.” He freaked. I already had this song before that kid from Cuba came, Elian, but it was like that. So, we wrote that at his house in a couple of days. Some of it on the phone. He had put together a tape with slide guitar and one morning he’d woken up and he thought it should say, “Grab ahold…” He planned out how each verse should be, and the third verse should be the heart verse. He wanted me to come up with the heart line, so then I came up with “In the heart, there are windows and doors…” He goes, “Yeah, that’s it.” He wrote it down and started singing, “…You can let the light in…You can let the wind blow…”
We were really proud of that one. He was saying, “Jorge, you don’t know what we’re doing. This is high art. We’ve been together for years, but we’re at the top of our game. We write so well together. It’s natural, no pressure.” I said, “Well, what happens for me is my game goes up when I play with you.” He said, “It’s the same with me.”
June 16, 1999
…Jorge & I finished “Porcelain Monkey.”
JORGE CALDERON: Another day, I took an old notebook out. I had glued this postcard from Graceland on it and it had a picture of Elvis’s TV room, and it had like three TVs. And on the coffee table there was this white, weird-looking monkey with black eyes. He said, “What is that?” I said, “Look, it’s a porcelain monkey.” And, he just wrote it down and underlined it and said, “That’s the next song.”
I had seen this movie about the Memphis Mafia guys talking about how they couldn’t do anything to help Elvis because they would lose their jobs. So, after he dies, these guys are doing a documentary about how they couldn’t help him, but they do a movie about his death, and Warren loved that concept. At one point, I said, “He was an accident waiting to happen…” He wrote that down and then he added, “Some accidents happen at home.” Then he wrote, “He should’ve gone out more often. Maybe he should have answered the phone.” Then, later I said—I thought this would be too much—“Hip shaking…” Then, the second verse, which is my favorite, we wrote in front of each other at his house.
June 26, 1999
…A real Klingon wedding—Jeanette’s fellow teachers. Nice ceremony—weird dinner. Brains—I spit it right out. Opened Schopenhauer’s “Counsels & Maxims” to “Our relations to ourselves” “The less necessity there is for you to come into contact with mankind in general…the better off you are…A man of intelligence is like an artist who gives a concert without any help from anyone else.” Uncanny as a motherfucker.
July 20, 1999
…Now School Marme tells me she hears I’m “cheating”—my neighbor told her ex-boyfriend who told her friend…
August 5, 1999
…Jeanette brought up cheating issue again in public place.
August 6, 1999
…Avoiding Jeanette.
CARL HIAASEN: There was a woman he dated who was a schoolteacher in his building who he was very, very fond of. She was Catholic, and he even went to mass with her. Being a Catholic myself, I felt like that was the ultimate act of sacrifice…It was a Graham Greene thing. But, when they broke up, he was suffering a couple times when I talked to him. I wanted to say, “All you have to do is walk down the hall and knock on her door.” But, he didn’t like that. I was the last person to be giving advice anyway. Then they would get back together and it would be the same thing all over again.
September 11, 1999
…I invited Jeanette over and we made love, wonderful. Feel great. Went to the tanning place. Sure enough, there was Susan & before I knew it we were fucking on the carpet, then on the tanning bed.
SUSAN JAFFY: We fucked a lot in the tanning salon. I got in trouble for it because they heard us. He would just say, “Okay, whatever.” I’d go in the next time and they’d say, “We understand there was noise…” I’m like, “What do you mean?” I would, like, get yelled at by these people and he, of course, no one said anything to Warren Zevon.
CRYSTAL ZEVON: One day Warren showed up at my apartment unannounced, which was totally out of character for him. He wasn’t the kind of guy who showed up without calling first. I asked him in, but he didn’t want to stay. He just handed me a CD of Life’ll Kill Ya and left. I sat on the floor in front of the speakers and listened…When it finished with “Don’t Let Us Get Sick,” I was sobbing. I called him, and it was kind of like the time I called him after my last drink…I couldn’t get the words out. He said, “I knew you’d be the one to get it.” That was it. We didn’t say anything else.
When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer a couple years later, the first thing he said to me was, “Well, we’ve known for a while, haven’t we.” Not a question. I knew what he meant.
JORGE CALDERON: He wanted me to come to Cambridge with him for a week of recording Life’ll Kill Ya, and he did it. Paul and Shawn had gotten this drummer named Winston Watson, who used to play with Dylan and the B-52s. We put drums and bass on the existing tracks, then we started recording the new songs, and the guitar player just would not work with the music. Warren hated him. I asked if it was time to make the panic call to Altadena, meaning to Waddy, and he said, “No. This is a folk album and it’s not a big rock guitar album.”
At the time we were writing those two songs, I hadn’t heard the rest of the album, so just before we went to Cambridge, he gave me a tape. I couldn’t believe it. Because it was a comeback album, he did think it would get some kind of an award. At least he did get great press and we
had a great time doing it.
He was so proud of that album. He told me, “One day you and I are going to be up there getting an award, weeping too hard to be able to speak.”
* Years later, Crystal wrote to John Kellerman for the real story, and it seems Warren had recorded it differently from the way it actually happened:
“Had to laugh. This refers to a research trip I did for my novel Monster, during which I played guitar for a room full of mass murderers and delivered a lecture on writing fiction in return for gaining access to a hospital for the criminally insane. Must’ve talked to Warren soon after and described the experience.”
* Jeannette, aka “School Marm,” was a girlfriend who lived in Warren’s building.
* Warren appeared in two episodes of the TV series Suddenly Susan: “The Song Remains Insane,” episode 3.17, aired March 1, 1999; and “Bowled Over,” episode 3.22, aired May 24, 1999.
* Warren played the role of “Babcock,” Billy Bob Thornton’s sidekick who couldn’t smell and didn’t speak, in Dwight Yoakam’s movie South of Heaven, West of Hell. Dwight wrote, directed, and played the lead role in the film. The movie co-starred Vince Vaughn, Billy Bob Thornton, Bridget Fonda, Peter Fonda, Paul “Pee-Wee” Reubens, and Bud Cort.
TEN
HIT SOMEBODY (THE HOCKEY SONG)
Buddy’s real talent was beating people up
His heart wasn’t in it but the crowd ate it up
Through pee-wees and juniors, midgets and mites
He must have racked up more than three hundred fights
A scout from the Flames came down from Saskatoon
Said, “There’s always room on our team for a goon
Son, we’ve always got room for a goon”
CRYSTAL ZEVON: One day a friend of mine, Judy Allison, called. Her husband, Don Reo, was a big fan of Warren’s and he was a writer and producer on a new TV series called Action. They wanted Warren to write the show’s theme song. I thought he’d be thrilled, since our recent conversations had been about making a mocumentary called Warren Zevon Plays the Holiday Inn, but he was immediately suspicious. “What do they want from me? They want something for free?” I asked him to just look at the pilot and he said, “I don’t watch pilots.” Finally, he agreed to watch ten minutes…and, he loved it. So then, when he called me, it had become a new problem, “Now, I love it, I want my song to be on that show, so if they don’t like what I do, I’ll have to kill myself.” All I could do was laugh. Finally, he laughed with me…But, he was serious and it certainly wasn’t the last I’d hear about it…
September 1, 1999
…lawyer says the “Action” deal’s off unless I want to call creator Chris Thompson myself. Chris says Ken [Warren’s lawyer] made insane demands—whatever. I said, “Let me tell you a sad story. I didn’t want to watch your pilot—I said I wouldn’t (big build up)…but I did & I wrote the fucking song…” “What would it take to hear it?” He asks: will he hear it, love it & make a deal? Well, he did—I played it, he loved it, he called Ken. Not without verbally sodomizing me, unfortunately. Jordan was here to enjoy the whole wheeling, dealing fracas.
September 10, 1999
…“Action” session at Capitol with Jorge & Winston…Chris Thompson asked us if we could move a couple of chords around: that is, reverse the order of the G-A-B, G-A-D cadences. Sure. Then he left with a rough—called a while later to ask if I could add 5 second intro & outro. Sure, for a few thousand dollars out of my pocket…Jeanette came down…
September 14, 1999
…Krumper called to say they liked the cover; where was “Action”? Told Krumper my feelings were hurt by his lack of enthusiasm & confidence in me—he apologized. Danny [Goldberg] called: “What’s going on with ‘Action’?” I called Krumper back & said I didn’t want to tell Danny it was his—Krumper’s—fault I wasn’t going in. “We both know you weren’t confident in my abilities as a producer.” Michael was grateful to me for covering for him. Ariel called to say hello. Message to call Chris Thompson’s cell phone. “The network doesn’t like the song.” Well. I thanked him for telling me himself. They do want “Even A Dog Can Shake Hands.” He notices it has three co-writers—I said: “Yeah, R.E.M. Good luck.” I spoke to Ken at home—stay loose, he advised.
October 18, 1999
…Session at Signet…I’d ask slack-jawed Jimmy, the engineer, a question & he’d just stare till I yelled, “No is an answer!”…Bountras-Bountras Calderon had to take the reigns and make sure we got a good track.
Immediately after recording the theme for Action, Warren left on tour to promote Life’ll Kill Ya.
November 2, 1999—New York
…Irving Plaza—I feared a light house and they started putting extra chairs up! Maybe the best show I ever did—it was like riding a wave for 90 minutes. Big meet & greet after. Danny and everybody was happy. Great night.
DANNY GOLDBERG: The people at the company grew to like Warren. He went through this period where he would insist on Mountain Dew in his hotel room, and kind of torture people over it. One day Daniel Glass, who works for us, was sitting next to him on a plane and he said, “Warren, everybody loves your music, but what is with this yelling at people if there’s no Mountain Dew?” He says, “Well, I figure that people respect me more if I act like an asshole.” Daniel says, “No, they really don’t. Please stop it.” He says, “Really? They don’t?” He says, “No. In fact, it’s not a good idea.” And he never did that anymore. It was like he turned off that switch.
January 11, 2000—Denver
…Krumper asked if I’d sing the censored version of “I Was in the House…” live today. I refused.
DANNY GOLDBERG: When we put out “I Was in the House When the House Burned Down” as the first single, I needed him to do an edit without the word shit in it. He was very, very uncertain about it. He went through a whole drama about whether he could take the word shit out. I finally told him I’d worked with Allen Ginsberg and that he gave me a clean version because he wanted to be on the radio. That seemed to satisfy Warren…if Ginsberg would do it, it was okay for him to do it.
January 14, 2000
…Letterman has heart problems. I feel badly for Dave.
January 15, 2000—Phoenix
…Carl called: Quinn born!
January 20, 2000
…Good sport Mitch here at 9:00. Fordham in the Bronx, intellectual riffs, then bonehead phoners…on to a rock station in Jersey: went great but then Krumper calls and says he hears the “talk radio” I did this morning “didn’t go well.” Right before Mitch Albom’s show. I was so frustrated & furious I told them all I might go home tomorrow. Who knows—I might.
January 21, 2000
…Danny: “You never have to talk to [Krumper] again. Don’t ask me to fire him.” I said I’d hang myself if he fired him. Danny said, “I had John Mellencamp on my label.” Everybody was conciliatory. Then the Artemis messenger arrived with my birthday present: a signed, numbered “Finnegans Wake” fragment from 1930. Okay! Message from Ariel: She has an MTV Pilot! She was so happy! We all are. Crystal said Ariel called me right away.
January 24, 2000—53rd Birthday
…wonderful birthday. Jordan & Ariel both called early. We flew to Detroit. Four songs in a recording studio, and an intelligent interview. Ritz-Carlton Dearborn. Susan arranged for a big order of caviar to be delivered on arrival…All my friends called: Carl, Steve, Jorge. Then, I noticed the toiletries, potions & unguents bag was missing. I must have left it on the sidewalk at Metro Airport…Of course, we couldn’t call there. We drove to the airport around 11:30. Behind bars, like a forlorn denizen of an orphaned baboon cage, my bag was waiting. What a birthday.
February 2, 2000—Albany
…Morning show—fun when one jock said I looked like Scott Glenn. Blond DJ with nice face and great body—I was flirty on air and after & we exchanged #’s. East on 90, Inde interview on Mitch’s cell phone. A dreary bedwetter wanting me to agonize over the ashes of fame—
interrupted by a speeding ticket—fun for the journalist—Mitch insists on introducing me to the trooper: “Say hello to Mr. Warren Zevon.” And he’s actually dazzled! “I know he’s in your demographics,” Mitch says later. Reporter has his story—everybody’s happy. Jorge names interview: “Primate Discourse.”
MITCH ALBOM: There was always this little something going on behind those eyes. He was always one joke away—always looking for an opening to get in a little wit, or a little slice of this, or a little sardonic this, or ironic that. I like that because it keeps the conversation lively. You never know where the next sentence is going to go.
February 2, 2000
…Played a set in the lobby of an office building like a puppet show in the mall. After the show a young girl: very, very young, fat, sexy—Monica—took me to the 44th floor to see the view. I knew then that given the chance I’d have fucked her with your dick, dear Diary. Young as she was. It’s never too late to learn something about yourself.
February 16, 2000
…Jordan called me early—8:40—tells me he thinks he’s an alcoholic. Genetically speaking, he’d have to be.
February 29, 2000—Minneapolis
…12 hours of flight delays. Off to sound check, our first set-up. Jill Sobule arrived, nice.
MITCH ALBOM: In my mind, Warren should have always been playing huge concert halls, but he was playing a small dive in Detroit. The audience loved him. He didn’t come out for an encore…the audience wanted more, but he didn’t…I went backstage and he had his suitcase open and in it was five gray shirts, ten pairs of gray pants, three pairs of gray socks, two pairs of gray shoes. He was sitting there by himself with a cup of tea.
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