“I think I understand that more than you know.” He moved then, cupping her cheek with one hand. Offering support. Comfort.
Leaning in close, slowly, so slowly, until his lips brushed against hers.
He’d surprised her. He felt it in the slight hesitation in the heartbeat before she opened for him. She lifted her hand and slid it over his where he cupped her face, and he shifted, twining his fingers with hers.
She kept her eyes closed but she didn’t pull away. Silence stretched around them, holding them safe and warm from the outside world.
“Come to lunch with me?” he asked.
“I…” She paused. He could practically see her coming up with reasons to say no. “I think I’d like that.”
He tried not to look shocked. “Wow, you said yes.”
She smiled up at him and it made her eyes sparkle. “Maybe I’m just hungry.”
Her lips twitched and it was good, so good to see her finally relax, even if only for a little while. It transformed her and for a second, he saw a flash of the girl she’d been once upon a time. But that girl wasn’t the one he was falling for this time around. No, it was the woman standing in front of him, determined to be strong and independent and in charge of her own fate.
And it was that strength, that woman that made him want to reach for her once more.
And never be stupid enough to lose her again.
They rode in silence to the restaurant. Sarah flipped through papers, trying to get them organized. Sean watched her out of the corner of his eyes. She was so focused that he didn't want to interrupt her, knowing every moment he had with her was stealing time.
When they arrived, though, he broached the subject that had been needling him since the other day. “So is your boss always such a pain in the ass or is today just special? Between this and the PT test, I’d guess she’s pretty much using you for target practice.”
Sarah sighed heavily. “Basically, she’s out to prove a point that I’m not a good officer or soldier because I’m a single parent.”
Sean’s throat closed off and it was suddenly hard to breathe. “Does she know about Jack?”
“Oh yes. That’s actually a big strike against me,” Sarah tore at a piece of bread.
“How’s that?”
“Because I obviously came into the Army hunting for a husband and clearly, since he died, I no longer belong here,” she said dryly.
Revulsion twisted in his belly, souring his mood. He wanted to lash out, to protect her. But that hadn’t worked out so well the last time so he opted for a different track. “Want me to vouch for you that that is clearly not the case?”
She laughed and then covered her mouth, looking mildly horrified. “I don’t think our history together will convince her.” She paused, twirling her straw in her tea. Finally, she lifted her gaze to meet his, her eyes reflecting warmth and confusion. “It feels strange to joke about that.”
“It never surprises me the things I can joke about these days. Things that would horrify civilians.”
“I wish I didn’t understand that but sadly, I do.” She twisted the straw wrapper in her hands. “So anyway, changing the subject because I need a distraction”—she leaned across the table, brown eyes intense—“you should know that the brigade commander is watching this investigation closely.”
He hesitated for a little too long. “I knew I’d pissed off my battalion commander, but brigade, too?”
“How did you piss off your boss?”
He leaned back against the booth. “I’m too soft on a couple of the guys I was downrange with.”
“Kearney?”
“And Haverson,” Sean admitted. He wasn’t sure how much he should tell her. How much he could reveal and not ruin this fragile truce between them. He swallowed a drink, searching for the right words. “I got into an argument with the battalion commander about Haverson just this week. I want to get him back from the Warrior Transition Unit, and the boss threatened to court-martial me if I bring it up again.” He shifted, folding his hands together in front of his mouth, fighting the anger that always drove these conversations. It was part of why he couldn’t argue his point cogently with the boss. He got too pissed, too worked up. They sat quietly as the waitress brought their food.
“Why are you trying to get Haverson pulled out of the WTU?”
He dumped ketchup on his fries, squeezing the bottle a little too hard. “Because the cadre over there don’t give a damn about the soldiers. They treat them like it’s a prison instead of actually checking on them. Haverson stopped taking his medication because he got in trouble for missing formation. It’s completely the wrong environment for anyone to get better.”
Sarah watched him carefully. “He’s had a hard time since your deployment with him.”
Sean sighed and pulled a slice of herbed bread from the basket. He began tearing pieces off in random hunks. “Haverson hasn’t learned the two rules of combat. One: good men die in war; and, two: docs—or in his case, medics—can’t stop that. It haunts him.” Sean paused. “It haunts all of us.” He met her gaze and for a moment, the world fell away. “Sarah…There’s something you need to know.” He set the bread down. “And you might not talk to me again after this.” He felt her still as she waited silently. “I was there when Jack died,” he whispered.
She sank back into the booth with a rush of breath. The noise from the restaurant faded. All he could see was the paleness of her skin, the emotions skittering across her face. She opened her mouth. Closed it.
Said nothing while Sean’s heart beat loudly in his ears while he waited…for salvation or damnation, he didn’t know.
“I don’t know what to say.” Quiet, broken words.
“I don’t know what I expected.” He reached for her hand. Her skin was cold now. “But before this went any further, I needed you to know.” He swallowed. “And if you want me to take you back on post now, I…I understand.”
She was still as ice beneath his touch. Frozen and immobile.
* * *
She deliberately filled her lungs, slowly, breathing through her nose then released it.
She didn’t need to know. She wasn’t going to ask how he died. She didn’t need to know.
Questions she didn’t want to know the answer to burned in her throat but did not break free.
Sarah blinked rapidly and pushed away from the table. “I’ll be back in a minute,” she said softly.
She walked out the front door to the edge of the building, needing space. Her heart pounded in her ears and there was an ache that wrapped around it, throbbing like a physical wound. Her eyes burned despite her attempts to blink back the tears and she looked up at the sky, praying for composure that was fast slipping away.
She felt Sean lean against the wall next to her, his mere presence a comfort that should not have been. But he was there and she was hurting and she wanted so badly to cling to the comfort he offered in the middle of the maelstrom of her own emotions.
“I didn’t know how else to tell you,” Sean said quietly.
Their shoulders were touching where they stood together, or rather, her shoulder was pressed into his upper arm. She felt the solid strength in the man next to her but she refused to lean. It felt wrong to want to feel his arms around her when she was crying over her dead husband.
“Too late now,” she murmured. The pain eased back just enough for her to draw a deep breath and she greedily sucked in another one.
Silence stretched between them and Sarah struggled to keep her breathing from getting too short, too quick. She swallowed the lump as the feeling of kinship pushed the hurt down a little. “I keep chasing his memory,” she admitted. “Even when I know it doesn’t do a damn bit of good.”
He reached for her then, cupping her chin gently. “You loved him. And he was a lucky man to have you,” he murmured.
She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. Nothing more. A simple, quiet interlude. Taking the strength this man offered to kee
p herself upright.
It felt strange to lean on anyone.
It felt good to lean on Sean.
Neither of them moved for what seemed like forever. For once, it was the shared silence of loss. Of the impact that war had on each of their lives. And the impact they’d had on one another once upon a time. He brought his gaze back to hers and the echo of the pain she saw in his pale blue eyes nearly brought it all back to the surface again. “Are you okay?”
Her smile was sad and she nodded faintly. “Yeah. I’ve had a long time to mourn him.”
“It still hurts, though.” His quiet words were not a question.
Finally, she met his gaze. “I don’t want to know how he died, Sean. I don’t…I can’t go there.” Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “I lost my whole world when I lost Jack.” Finally she moved.
“I can’t say that I’ve lost someone I loved to this war.” He wanted so badly to pull her against him. Not just for her sake but for his. “But the losses I’ve had stay with me.”
His heart broke a little in his chest. Fracturing from relief that she was still there. That she hadn’t pulled away, hadn’t left. He released a shuddering breath. “I lost five men in my platoon that year. Kearney and Haves and the guys who are left…I have to take care of them now.” He sucked in a deep breath, scrubbing his hand over his mouth. “They were—they are—my responsibility.”
“You couldn’t have protected them from everything, Sean.” Her gaze dropped to his lips. “Not even from themselves.”
* * *
They were in public; they couldn’t be seen embracing or kissing. Instead, she threaded her fingers with his and stood silently, resting her head against his shoulder.
He couldn’t say who was holding who upright at that point. And he wasn’t sure he cared.
He finally spoke, long after he was sure his voice wouldn’t break. “I guess…I thought you’d be angry. Thought you’d hate me all over again.”
She stroked her thumb over his. “I had Jack in my life for a while. And it was good. I have to be glad for the time we had. I have his daughter. And I will always have good memories of him.” She blinked rapidly and cleared her throat. Her fingers tightened in his. “And up until now, as much as I’ve never thought about having anyone else in my life—but I can’t say that anymore now. I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t know if I’m supposed to hate you for being there, or if I’m supposed to say I’m glad you made it home. I don’t know, Sean.”
She rested her cheek against his shoulder, letting the silence hang between them, unable to fill it with anything else. Things were too twisted, too mixed up.
“There are no right answers, Sar. We can only try to do the best we can by each other.” He cupped her face, to hell with being in public. “I failed you before. I didn’t listen to what you wanted, what you needed.” He paused. “I’d like to try and be there for you now. If you can let me.”
She met his gaze. Her fingers tightened in his.
And she did not pull away.
Fifteen
Sarah did not want to interview Mrs. Kearney. From everything she’d been able to gather, the woman was less than pleasant and not too smart. Sarah was honestly shocked that the woman agreed to answer her questions to begin with. As she sat down at Mrs. Kearney’s kitchen table and tried not to cringe at the caked-on remnants of food on the surface, she tried really hard not to judge.
She kept things formal. One hundred percent professional. “Ma’am, you need to know you can end this interview at any time. You are not suspected of any crimes.”
Mrs. Kearney sucked on a cigarette and blew the smoke out of the side of her mouth. “Why would I be suspected of any crimes?”
“You’re not, ma’am. I just have a few questions about your relationship with Lieutenant Smith.”
Mrs. Kearney’s face broke into a warm smile. It changed her appearance instantly, from someone who had grown up too hard and too fast to something warmer. Approachable, even.
“Paul said he wanted to marry me,” she said softly. “He’s so…he’s good to me.”
“Paul? I thought his name was Wilford.”
“He goes by Paul because he says Wilford sounds like an old man,” Mrs. Kearney said.
“Ah.” Sarah made a note on the paper. “How did you and LT Smith meet?”
“Nate brought him home one night for a soft swap. Him and his wife.”
“Is that for drinks or something?”
Mrs. Kearney looked at her like she’d grown two heads. “We were trading partners for the night. Just trying each other out to see if we’d want to go further.”
Sarah thought she understood what Mrs. Kearney was telling her but she had no idea how to ask for clarification. “So this was all consensual. And your husband knew about you swapping with LT Smith?”
“Of course.”
“So then what happened? Why are you and your husband fighting?”
Mrs. Kearney waved her hand with the cigarette. “He just needs to cool off a little bit. He’s always blowing off steam and doing stupid shit.”
“So you’re not afraid for your life from him?”
“Hell no.” She looked flabbergasted by the idea. “I just wanted to get him in a little trouble, make him smarten up.”
Sarah wrote furiously. “Ma’am, you realize he’s in a lot of trouble, right?”
“Because of what happened downrange?”
Sarah looked up sharply. “What happened downrange?”
“With the shooting?” Kitty took a long pull off her cigarette again. Sarah felt the strongest need for a shower. She could feel the smoke permeating her skin.
“Would you be willing to expound on that?”
She shrugged. “Something they were involved with downrange. Some guy died or something. I don’t really give a flying fuck. They should have killed more of those fucking savages if you ask me. Turn that entire fucking place into a glass parking lot.”
It hurt hearing those words. Sarah wasn’t a bleeding heart but the blatant refusal to see the Iraqis as human beings was stunning in its biting clarity, especially for a woman who had never been there. But correcting the other woman was likely to piss her off and Sarah needed to keep her talking.
“Calling them savages isn’t really going to help with winning the hearts and minds,” Sarah mumbled beneath her breath.
“Fuck the hearts and minds. Why should our boys have to die fighting for their stupid ass country? Kill ’em all, let God sort ’em out.”
“Okay, well, thank you for your time,” Sarah said. She knew the right thing to do was challenge Mrs. Kearney’s rant but that wasn’t her purpose. Right now, she needed the woman to initial the form Sarah had just filled out. The war and Mrs. Kearney’s politics, such as they were, would have to wait. “Would you review and sign this to make sure I wrote everything down right?”
Mrs. Kearney didn’t even read the form, just signed her name where Sarah told her to. Sarah briefly wondered if she ever read anything she had to sign and how much trouble that had caused them over the years with bad credit paperwork.
She left, letting Mrs. Kearney’s revelations swirl unchecked in her brain. Shit. The woman had basically just incriminated both her husband and her lover in a potentially illegal shooting downrange.
She needed to talk to Sean. Then she needed to call the police.
* * *
He was skirting dangerously close to the edge with Sarah. Touching her. Caring about her. It was all a bad decision, given both their past and their present. But when he touched her and felt her spark to life beneath his fingers… she was amazing and intense and—
She was Jack Anders’s widow. He knew guys that did that sort of thing. That went for that twisted kind of sick pleasure from being the rebound guy for these mourning wives. But this…this didn’t feel like that. It didn’t feel wrong, not like that.
It felt real. And it was hell on his ability to get the job done when all he want
ed to do was take her home for a few hours. For a lifetime.
There was a quick knock on his door and then Sarah was walking in, shutting the door behind her.
“Hey. How’s the leg?”
“Getting better. Taking lots of Motrin,” she said dryly. “That won’t do much for my pride, though.”
“I still think you need to challenge her making you take that PT test,” he said.
“There’s no point.” She shook her head slowly. “Anyway, do you know anything about an escalation of force incident from last deployment?”
“They happen all the time. Why?” Sean closed out his e-mail, focusing completely on her. Since lunch yesterday, he’d been unable to think of anything but Sarah.
Instead, he focused on her and the concern radiating off her like a live current. “Sarah, what happened?”
“Mrs. Kearney just dropped a couple of bombs in my lap. Said that she and her husband and the Smiths were all having a consensual relationship. Which isn’t even the interesting part. The interesting part is that there was something about a shooting that happened downrange. She seemed to think it was no big deal but…”
“Escalation of force incidents are a big deal now, but they weren’t always,” Sean said softly. “The rules of engagement have changed since we’ve been trying to shift from active combat to nation building.”
“Why do you sound bitter about that?” she asked.
He dragged his hands over his face, too close to the ugly truth. “Rules of engagement are designed to make the transition to peace easier. To keep noncombatants safe.” His voice thickened with memories. “They don’t always work.” He cleared his throat. “I’ve got the old commander’s classified laptop in my safe, if you want to look through it. There might be reports on there that could shed some light on things.”
After the War Page 12