“Tell me about this dream home of yours,” he said, hoping the conversation would lighten the darkness in her eyes.
“I see it as a place here in town, probably a two-story with a big master suite and at least one or two guest rooms. I’d love it to have a wraparound front porch and a deck in the back.”
Just as he’d hoped, her eyes shone with her dreams instead of shining with fear. “I’ve even kept a wish book filled with decorating ideas and color schemes.” Her cheeks flushed with a blush. “I know it sounds crazy, but when I finally get my house, I want everything to be perfect. I want a place where I feel safe and happy and nobody can ever take it away from me or kick me out.”
“That doesn’t sound crazy at all.” What he wanted to tell her was that he’d buy her that house, that he’d sit on the front porch and drink coffee with her in the mornings and watch the sunset from the back deck in the evenings. “And eventually those guest rooms could become children’s bedrooms.”
“Oh, I don’t want any children,” she said.
He stared at her in stunned surprise. She didn’t want children? How could the woman of his dreams not want children when having babies was his dream?
Maybe she wasn’t the woman of his dreams, after all.
Chapter 10
She could tell she’d shocked him, but this was something they hadn’t talked about before. He stared at her with widened eyes.
“No kids, really?” he finally asked.
“No kids,” she said firmly.
“Tell me about the issues you had with your mother,” he said.
The sudden change of topic threw her off. Immediately old memories battered her and a new tension filled her body. “I really don’t want to talk about that right now.”
“Have you ever talked about it with anyone?” He replumped the pillows behind his head so he sat straighter.
“No,” she admitted.
“Tell me, Janis.” His eyes held a soft plea. “Maybe it would be good for you to talk about it.”
She frowned thoughtfully. Would it be good for her to pierce the scab on the wounds her childhood had left behind by discussing it?
Could she talk about it with him? Tell him about all that pain? Maybe she’d just been waiting for him to come along. She certainly trusted him more than anyone else in her life.
Drawing in a deep breath, she began talking about the woman who had given her birth.
“I think my mother hated me from the minute I was born.” She was shocked by the emotional tremble in her voice.
She coughed and then cleared her throat before continuing. “I don’t have any memories of her giving me a kiss or hugging me or kissing me good-night when I was young. She was always cold and distant, but when I got older I realized just how much she hated me.”
She got up from the bed, needing to move...to pace, while she delved into the darkness of her past.
“I learned quickly that when I got home from school the best place for me to be was in my bedroom, otherwise she’d find a reason to punish me.”
“Did she physically abuse you?” Sawyer asked, his voice low and gruff.
“Not really, although sometimes she would pinch me on my arms hard enough to leave a bruise. She mostly called me names and told me I was bad all the time. And then my dad would get home from work and tell me I was his princess and I was the best daughter anyone could have.”
She paced the space between the bed and the kitchen table, her brain shooting her back in time. She could smell the scent of her mother’s perfume, a heavy, spicy scent that brought no comfort to her.
June Little was a beautiful, vain woman who never stepped out of the house unless her makeup was perfect and her long, dark hair was neatly in place. She’d never offered to brush her daughter’s hair or to do anything else for Janis.
“It wasn’t until I was thirteen or fourteen that I realized the truth of the matter was that my mother was jealous of me.” Her heart squeezed tight. “When my father bought me a new dress, she’d tell me I was fat and ugly and no new dress would ever fix that. When my father took me out someplace and spent time with me, my mother would tell me that I was a whiny bitch who forced him to do things with me.”
“That’s messed up,” Sawyer said softly.
To her horror, tears burned at her eyes. She didn’t want to cry...not about this. She had already shed a lifetime of tears over her relationship with her mother.
“Did you tell your father what she was doing, what she was saying to you?”
She shook her head. “My father was crazy about my mom. He positively adored her and I didn’t want to put him in a terrible position between her and me. They had a wonderful marriage, but my mom looked at me as a competitor for his time and attention. She was so jealous of me and, in her eyes, I was the other woman trying to take him away from her.”
The tears she’d tried so desperately to hold back slid down her cheeks. She wiped at them angrily. “When my father died, things got really bad. Not a day passed that she didn’t tell me I was nothing but a whore who had stolen her precious time with him. For two years she battered me with hurtful words and told me over and over again that I was selfish and a wh-whore.”
Sobs ripped through her. They were the cries of a little girl who had only wanted her mommy to love her and of grief over the man who had left her too soon.
Instantly, Sawyer was off the bed and gathering her into his arms. She leaned into him, drawing strength from his tight embrace even as she buried her face in the crook of his neck and cried the last of her tears.
“Shh,” he whispered into her ear. “I wish you had had my mother.”
A small laugh escaped her and she pulled away from him enough to look into his beautiful, handsome face. “And I wish you had had my father.”
He used his thumbs to wipe her cheeks and smiled, a soft, wonderful smile that shot warmth straight to her heart. “Aren’t we a pair,” he said. “We’re just a couple of orphaned puppies who somehow found each other.”
He sobered and his eyes bore into hers intently.
“I’ll tell you one thing, Janis, you are none of the things your mother told you that you were. I know who you are. I see into your heart and there’s nothing there but goodness and kindness.”
Oh, how she’d needed somebody to tell her that. His words were a welcomed balm to the sores she’d reopened in telling him about her childhood. She leaned her head into his chest and breathed in the scent of him.
A far different emotion welled up inside her. Need...want...desire for this man who was standing by her side and seemed to want to be there for as long as she needed, as long as she wanted him.
Once again she looked at him. “I’m so glad I had those cowboys put you in my bed.”
“Me, too. Although now I don’t need anyone to help me to your bed. I can get there under my own steam.”
“Want to get there right now?”
She loved the way his eyes heated and held her gaze so intently. It was as if there was nothing else in the world except the two of them. She needed him now to take away the bad taste that talking about her mother had left behind.
“I’d love to,” he replied before his mouth took hers in a kiss that spoke of tenderness and desire.
This time their lovemaking was slow and languid. He loved every inch of her body, teasing and tormenting her and bringing her again and again to the very brink. By the time it was all over, she’d climaxed twice and was wonderfully sated.
Afterward they remained in each other’s arms. She lay across his chest and he softly stroked her hair. “You didn’t finish your story. When you decided to leave home, did you and your mother have a big blow-out?”
“No, nothing like that. The day of my graduation from high school I packed some bags, got into my car and never looked back.”
“So what did you do? Where did you go?”
“I stayed at friends’ places and in my car. I applied for several jobs but found out my mother was telling people I was unreliable and a slut and not to hire me.”
A lump rose in her throat as she remembered that time of such uncertainty. She’d fallen asleep each night scared and had awakened in the mornings with the same fear of what would become of her.
“Then one day I was sitting alone in the café having a cup of coffee when Gary asked if he could join me. We sat together and talked, and I confessed that I was not only looking for a job but also someplace to live. He offered to help me get a server license so he could hire me and the opportunity to live in the back room. I’m not sure what would have happened to me without his help.”
“So, he was your Big Cass,” Sawyer said. “I’m so glad he was there for you.”
“Trust me, it was a good move for him, too. I’m on the property all the time to keep thieves away and I’m the best darned manager he’s ever had,” she said with a sense of pride.
“I don’t doubt that for a minute,” he agreed. He continued to stroke her hair. “Thank you for sharing with me, Janis. I know it wasn’t easy for you to go back to that time in your life.”
She sat up. “Thank you for listening. I think I needed to talk about it. I’ve held it all inside for a very long time.”
“I hope shining a light on it helped chase away some of the darkness.”
“It was definitely a time of darkness,” she agreed.
He released a deep sigh. “I guess it’s past time for me to get up and get out of here.” He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “You don’t have to get up.”
He got out of bed, grabbed his clothes from the floor and padded into the bathroom. He was magnificent in his nakedness. Halena was right, he definitely had a great butt.
When he came back out of the bathroom he wore his reluctance to leave on his features. “I’ll give you a call tomorrow and check in with you and then I’ll be back here around six or so.”
She was torn, wanting him to stay with her through the night and yet feeling the need to be alone to untangle some of the emotion the night had brought.
“Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” she replied.
They said their good-nights and then, after he was gone, she pulled on her nightgown and walked over to the door to throw the dead bolt. She then crawled back into the bed. His scent was on her skin and lingered on the pillow.
She pulled the pillow against her chest as a new wave of tears burned hot and heavy behind her eyelids. She’d never considered herself a particularly emotional woman, but it seemed all she did right now was cry.
Her tears now were because she knew she was in love with Sawyer Quincy, and she was fairly certain he was in love with her. She should be deliriously happy, but she wasn’t.
Tonight she’d realized that there was no way the two of them had a future together. He deserved a woman who had no crazy baggage, a woman who would give him lots of babies.
He’d be a wonderful father. There was no doubt in her mind that he would make each of his children feel loved and protected.
She could never be the right woman for him. There was no way that she wanted children she could screw up. She had no role model for mothering.
And she was selfish, like her mother had told her, because even knowing she wasn’t right for Sawyer, she didn’t want to let him go yet.
* * *
“You ever think about having kids?” Sawyer asked Clay the next morning. The two of them were in the tack room where Sawyer was cleaning and polishing equipment and Clay straddled a sawhorse, taking a break from mucking out stalls.
“Sure. Eventually, when I find the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I’d like a couple of rug rats. Why’d you ask?”
“You know I’ve always wanted kids,” Sawyer replied.
Clay nodded. “You’ve talked about it often enough.”
“What if you finally found the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and discovered she doesn’t want to have any kids?”
“Janis doesn’t want to have kids?” Clay raised a blond eyebrow.
“That’s what she says.” Sawyer kind of understood it, given the relationship she’d had with her mother. But there was no doubt in his mind that Janis would be a wonderful, loving mother.
“Why? I’d think with all her practice mothering drunk cowboys she’d be a natural at it,” Clay replied.
Sawyer laughed even though his heart was hurting. “She didn’t have a good relationship with her mother and I’m pretty sure that’s made her decide not to be a mother.”
Clay tipped his black cowboy back on his head and gazed at Sawyer in speculation. “So, what does this do to your relationship with her?”
“Nothing right now. I just need to wrap my mind around a different kind of future for myself.” He released a deep sigh.
“You’re really into her, aren’t you?” Clay asked.
Sawyer grinned at him. “I’m completely crazy about her,” he admitted. “You all did me a big favor the night you put me in her bed.”
“I can’t believe you stopped drinking.”
Sawyer leaned against the workbench. “I don’t even miss it.”
“I respect the decision you made to stop,” Clay replied.
Sawyer looked at him in surprise. “Thanks, man. That means a lot.”
Clay stood. “Guess it’s time for me to get back to cleaning out horse crap. I’m glad we rotate positions so I don’t have to do this every day.”
“I imagine I’ll be doing it tomorrow since you all won’t let me do anything else but work here in the stables.”
“None of us has forgotten that you still have a target on your back and we aren’t ready to bury you yet,” Clay replied.
Sawyer laughed once again. “And I’m not ready to be buried yet.”
“On that note, I’m back to work.” Clay left the tack room, leaving Sawyer alone with his thoughts.
He hung the harness he’d just finished polishing and grabbed another dirty one, his thoughts full of the woman he loved.
Their lovemaking last night had been more than wonderful. When he was deep inside her, looking into her eyes, he felt as if he was finally home. When she curled up next to him or grabbed his hand or simply smiled at him, he got the same feeling.
She was where he belonged. The thought of not having kids was sad, but the thought of not having Janis in his life was too painful to bear.
He pulled his cell phone from his pocket, suddenly just wanting to hear the sound of her voice.
She answered immediately. “Hey, cowboy, aren’t you supposed to be working?”
“I am working, I just had a sudden hankering to talk to my woman,” he replied, unable to help the smile that not only stretched his mouth but also warmed his heart to the very core.
“Actually, I’m glad you called. I talked to Dillon a little while ago and told him I want to go back to the room tonight.”
“Really? I thought you wanted a couple more days before going back,” he replied in surprise.
“I just want it over, Sawyer.” There was a deep weariness in her voice. “I’m ready to put the process into motion that will catch the person.”
“I admire your strength, Janis,” he said, his love for her buoying in his chest. “And I want this over for you. I’m just sorry you have to go through it in the first place. When this is all over, I’ll help you find a place to live where you’ll always feel safe.”
“Will you come here after work and take me back to the bar?”
“Of course, and I’ll stay there with you for as long as you want me to.”
There was a long silence. “Janis, are you still there?”
“I’m here. I was just thinkin
g that I can’t imagine a better man than you, Sawyer. You deserve all the happiness in the world and all your dreams coming true.”
There was a strange sadness in her voice that set him on edge. “They are,” he replied. “Janis, you have to know that I love you.” Geez, he hadn’t intended to tell her over a phone call. How romantic was that?
There was another long pause. “I know. We’ll talk later. I’ll see you after work, right?”
“You know I’ll be there.” Before he knew it, she murmured goodbye and hung up.
Slowly he put his phone back in his pocket, drew in a deep breath and then tipped his hat back on the top of his head as he straddled the sawhorse.
She hadn’t said “I love you, too.” He’d told her he loved her and she’d said they’d talk later. His heart thudded an anxious rhythm. What did that mean?
He’d come home last night and had lain awake for hours, sorting through the knowledge that, in binding his life with Janis’s, he would achieve his dream of loving and being loved. But he would also have to say goodbye to the dream of having any children of his own.
Damn Janis’s mother for taking the love of a little girl for her father and twisting it into something ugly and bad. Damn her for not loving her daughter the way a mother was supposed to. Didn’t people realize how sensitive, how vulnerable, children were? Didn’t her mother know a single unkind word would cut like a knife?
Could he build a life with Janis without children? The answer he’d reached at some point over the last hour was an overwhelming yes. He wasn’t willing to give her up for any reason.
Having her as a wife, as a friend and lover for the rest of his life was everything he’d ever wanted for himself. But she hadn’t said “I love you, too.”
With another heavy sigh, he stood, knocked his hat into place and went back to work. Yes, they were going to talk tonight and he hoped he could convince her that he was her dream for a future of happily-ever-after.
As usual, at five o’clock the men began their walk through the buffet line in the cowboy dining room. The scent of barbecued beef and beans rode the air, making Sawyer’s mouth water. There was nothing better than Cookie’s barbecue.
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