Her mother’s words finally chased her out of the shower. She dried off, pulled her nightgown on and then stepped back into the motel room.
The bed had been turned down and the only light in the room was the soft illumination from the lamp on the nightstand. Sawyer was in the bed and his gaze warmed her as she ran her fingers through her damp hair and then joined him.
“Feeling better?” he asked. His voice held a wealth of caring.
“The shower was a start,” she replied.
He pulled her into his arms and she laid her head on his chest, feeling the soft rise and fall of his breaths. “I imagine it’s going to take some time before you can put this all behind you.”
“I was afraid to sleep, afraid to do anything, knowing he was just on the other side of the glass watching me,” she said. She closed her eyes as he softly stroked her hair.
“And I was so afraid for you,” he replied. “But you’re safe now.”
Yes, she was safe and in the arms of the man who had always made her feel safe. He’d been her guardian angel from the moment Gary had painted the hateful words across the back of his building.
“It was my own fault,” she said. “I’m the one who opened the motel door to him.”
“You trusted him. We all trusted him.” His hand paused a moment before renewing the gentle caresses through her hair. “He fooled us all, Janis. Don’t beat yourself up. All the men on the Holiday Ranch didn’t see the evil in Adam Benson just like all of us didn’t see it in Gary.”
“It’s a little scary, isn’t it? How evil people function so well and walk among the rest of us without showing themselves for what they really are.” She shivered as she remembered the madness she’d seen in Gary’s eyes after he’d captured her.
“You don’t have to worry about evil people anymore,” Sawyer assured her. “I’ll make sure you’re safe for the rest of your life.”
Once again she squeezed her eyes tightly closed as tears burned. She didn’t want to cry anymore, but she knew what was coming.
Tonight she would make love with Sawyer and then she’d sleep through the night in his arms. It was a gift she was giving to herself.
But when the light of day awakened them, she intended to break things off with him. Tonight she would love him and then tomorrow she would let him go.
* * *
Sawyer awakened before dawn. He was in no hurry to leave the bed. He was spooned around Janis, her naked body warm and welcomed against his.
They had made love last night. A slow, passionate, life-affirming coming together that had sated him on so many levels. His love for her was so great—his heart was so full of that love—it almost took his breath away.
She’d not only made love with him, she’d also allowed him to stay through the night with her. Now they could really begin planning their lives together.
They’d find that home that she’d dreamed about. He’d continue to work at the Holiday Ranch and she could go to school to get the degree her father had wanted for her. Or she could be a stay-at-home wife. Whatever made her happy, that’s what he wanted.
He snoozed off and on until morning light shone through the curtains and his stomach rumbled with hunger. He had eaten only half a sandwich the day before and he had no idea what Janis had eaten, if anything, while she’d been captive.
When she woke up they’d head to the café and enjoy a big, hearty breakfast and then maybe they could go house-hunting together.
At the moment she was homeless. She could stay at the motel, but a motel room wouldn’t feel like home, no matter how long she stayed.
Would she want a big wedding? Was it possible after they were married for a couple of years she might decide to have a baby? Maybe his love for her would be strong enough to finally silence her mother’s voice in her head. He wouldn’t press her on the children issue. He could be happy with or without children. All he wanted, all he needed, was her.
She finally stirred and rolled away from him. She stretched like a kitten and then opened her eyes.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Good morning.” She sat up and held the sheet high enough to hide her naked breasts. “What time is it?”
He reached for his phone on the nightstand. “It’s seven thirty. Did you sleep well?”
She offered him a small smile. “You know I did. I don’t even think I moved.”
“No nightmares?”
“Thankfully no.” She shoved her hair away from her eyes.
“I was thinking that maybe when we get cleaned up we could head to the café for some breakfast. I don’t know about you, but I’m absolutely starving.”
“I need a quick shower and then we’ll talk.” She slid out of the bed, grabbed some clothes from her suitcase on the floor and headed to the bathroom.
He frowned as she disappeared from sight. We’ll talk. Hadn’t she said something like that when he’d told her he loved her? What was there to talk about? All he’d done was suggest they go the café for breakfast.
As the shower began running in the bathroom, he got out of bed and pulled on his clothes, a bit of anxiety forming a small knot in the pit of his stomach. He told himself not to stress, that everything was fine.
How could it not be fine when they’d made love the night before and had slept in each other’s arms? She just needed time to get fully awake.
He used the kitchen sink to wash his face and then finger-combed his hair. He then sat on the edge of the bed and once again picked up his phone to check to see if he’d received any messages. There were none.
He’d called each of his brother cowboys last night while Janis had been speaking to Dillon. He’d told them that Janis was safe and that he appreciated them coming out to help in her search.
Thank God Gary hadn’t laid a hand on her. What he’d put her through had been bad enough, but it could have been so much worse.
He got up from the bed as she came out of the bathroom, smelling like flowers and looking refreshed and beautiful in jeans and a light blue blouse. “So, how about breakfast at the café?”
“Actually, I’d like you to take me to the bar to get my car.”
He looked at her in surprise. “Okay. Can we do that after we eat?”
“I don’t want to have breakfast with you, Sawyer.” Her gaze drifted to some indefinable point over his left shoulder. “I think it’s time we both went our separate ways.”
He stared at her. “Is this some kind of a joke?” His heart went into a tailspin.
“No, it’s no joke.” Her lower lip began to tremble and still she wouldn’t look at him. “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”
“How can you say something like that after last night?” His anxiety was now big enough in his stomach that he forgot all about food.
“Last night was a final gift I gave myself.” She finally met his gaze. “Last night was all about my selfish needs, but I can’t let this go any longer. There’s no future for you with me, Sawyer. You need to move on.”
For a long moment words refused to come to him as his mind worked around the words she had just said to him. This couldn’t be happening. Surely she didn’t mean it. She couldn’t. He knew in his heart, in his very soul, they belonged together.
“Woman, what are you doing?” he finally managed to say.
“I’m doing what’s right,” she replied.
“Right? How is it right for you to walk away from me when you know how much I love you, and I know how much you love me? Don’t even try to pretend that you don’t.”
Even though she hadn’t said the exact words to him, he knew she loved him. He felt it when she gazed deep into his eyes, when she reached for his hand or when they made love. She’d showed him in a million ways that she loved him. He didn’t need the words to know the depth of her feelings for him.
The
sheen of tears filled her eyes. “It doesn’t matter how much you love me or I love you. I’m all wrong for you.”
“How on earth can you be wrong for me? You’re everything I want in a woman. You’re everything I want in my future.” He took two steps toward her but she retreated the same amount of steps from him.
“Sawyer, I’ve made up my mind.” She folded her arms across her chest, as if denying him any access to her heart.
“You aren’t thinking clearly. You’ve been through a terrible trauma. Give us a couple of days before you throw me away. Come and eat breakfast with me and we’ll sort all this out.”
“Is that your answer for everything? Do you really believe eating at the café solves anything?”
A new wave of surprise swept through him at the touch of anger that fired in her eyes. “No, I don’t believe that, but I don’t understand what you’re doing right now.”
“I’m breaking things off with you.” Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I need you to move on, to find another woman you can build a future with. Find a woman who will give you the children you want.”
“You could be that woman. You would make a wonderful, loving mother. Together we could be awesome parents. And if you don’t want to be a mother, I don’t care. All I want, all I need, is you.”
“Well, you can’t have me. Not anymore.” She wiped at her tears and straightened her back. “I’ve changed my mind about you taking me to get my car. I just want you to leave now.”
Once again they locked gazes and in the depths of her eyes Sawyer sought relief from the nightmare that was unfolding.
“Just tell me why,” he finally said. “Why are you doing this to us?”
“Because it’s what I want. Now, please go.”
He walked over to the nightstand and grabbed his hat. He didn’t know what else to do. He didn’t know what else to say to change her mind. He was helpless in knowing how to change things around.
As he stepped outside, he squinted. He wasn’t sure if the gesture was because of the bright sunshine or because of the emotion that threatened tears.
All he’d ever wanted was to find a place where he belonged with somebody who loved him. Even with all the love and support Big Cass had given to him, it hadn’t filled the hole of being orphaned at fifteen. He hadn’t forgotten what unconditional love felt like and he’d longed to find that same kind of love with a woman who would be by his side forever.
He’d been so sure that woman was Janis. Now his dreams were in tatters and that old hole of loneliness was back bigger than ever. How had this happened? Even as she was telling him goodbye, he’d seen the love shining from her eyes.
He’d wanted to be the man who rescued her from danger, the man who kept her safe from all evil. He’d wanted to be the man she dreamed about, the one she laughed with and loved.
While she’d been kidnapped, he’d feared losing her. The very idea had made him sick. How was it possible he had rescued her only to lose her again when she was finally safe?
Chapter 15
It was a full day and night before Janis finally managed to pull herself out of bed and stop crying. She’d cried because of the decision she’d had to make. She’d wept because she loved Sawyer with all her heart and soul, but knew that for his own good he was better off without her. She’d cried for all the love she’d never know again from him and the future they might have shared.
She even wept for the babies she wouldn’t give him. He deserved babies and she hoped he’d find a woman who would give him as many as he wanted. And the thought of him being happy with anyone else made her cry yet again.
You’re nothing but a selfish whore, the damnable voice roared in her head. You let him make love to you and spend the night. You allowed him to believe everything was all right even knowing that you were going to break his heart... A selfish whore.
When she finally roused herself and dressed, she called Annie.
“Could you come and pick me up at the motel and take me back to the bar so I can get my car?” she asked her friend.
“I’d drive you to the moon and back. I’m just happy you’re no longer in any danger. Are you ready to go now?”
“I am,” Janis replied. “I’m in unit two.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes or so,” Annie replied.
Janis not only wanted to get her car, she also wanted to retrieve any personal items still in her room there. She had no idea what the future held with Gary behind bars, but she didn’t want to stay in that room. She also wasn’t at all sure she wanted to work at the bar...if the bar remained open.
She’d have to explore all her options. While she had a bit of a financial cushion to see her through a week or two, she didn’t want to go too long without a job.
As she stood at the door waiting for Annie to arrive, she wished she were at the café enjoying breakfast with Sawyer. If she closed her eyes, she could easily imagine the brilliant shine of his copper eyes, his robust laughter that made everyone who heard it smile. In her mind’s eye she could see that sensual slide of his lips that always warmed her blood.
How long would it take her to forget him? How long before the hollow wind that blew through her finally subsided? And how was she going to see him around town and not have her heart break over and over again?
She’d chosen this path and she had to remain strong. She’d survived her childhood. She’d survived Gary, and somehow she would survive this. Thankfully at that moment Annie pulled up.
She ran to her car and got into the passenger seat.
“Hey, girl.” Annie greeted her with a bright smile.
“Hey, yourself,” she replied. “Thanks for doing this for me.”
“No problem. Is Sawyer working?” Annie pulled out of the parking lot.
“I’m assuming so, although I’m not sure. We broke up.”
Annie turned her head to look at her in shock. “What happened? I thought you two were heading for a wedding.”
“This is what’s best for both of us and, if you don’t mind, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. What’s the news at the bar? Is it still open?”
“The word is that the Watering Hole was in Abigail’s name and she plans to keep it business as usual.”
“That’s a shocker, but I guess it’s good news. At least we all get to keep our jobs.” Janis still didn’t know if she wanted to continue working there, but she was glad all the other workers wouldn’t have to look for new employment.
“I still can’t believe Gary was such a creep, but you should have seen Sawyer in charge of the search parties. He was in control of everyone and he was like a man possessed with the need to find you.”
Even the mention of his name hurt. “I’m just glad he found me. I was afraid I’d be in that fishbowl that Gary had built forever.”
By that time Annie had pulled up to her car parked in the small lot behind the bar. “Thanks, Annie. Maybe we can have lunch one day soon,” she said as she got out of the car.
“Just tell me the day and as long as I’m not working, I’ll be there,” Annie replied.
Janis watched her drive away and then turned to the building. How she wished Sawyer was by her side when she went inside the room where Gary had peeped at her for years.
She opened the door and stepped inside. Even knowing Gary was behind bars, a chill walked up her spine as she stared at the wall that had the holes.
She tore her gaze away and instead began to gather the items she hadn’t packed when she’d left the room so hastily before. She carried things back and forth to her car and each time she crossed the threshold she tried not to think about Sawyer’s kisses.
The last item she carried out was her dream notebook. She still wanted to accomplish her dream of the perfect house, but she hadn’t realized just how deeply she’d allowed herself to put Sawyer into those dreams u
ntil now.
She’d envisioned him sharing morning coffee with her inside that house of her imagination. In her mind’s eye, he’d been there for dinner and cuddling on the sofa to watch a movie and making love in the master bedroom.
As she drove away from the bar, she mourned for everything that would never be. She grieved for the man she had sent away and the life she’d never have with him.
She’d only been back at her motel room a few minutes and was still carrying things back and forth from her car when an unfamiliar car pulled up.
Abigail got out of the driver’s side. She looked like she’d aged a hundred years in the past forty-eight hours.
She walked toward Janis with her arms open wide.
Janis had thought all her tears were spent, but as Abigail pulled her into an embrace, Janis began to cry.
“I’m so sorry,” she sobbed. “Please forgive me.”
“There’s nothing for you to be sorry for,” Abigail replied, her voice choked with suppressed tears. “I came over here to tell you how sorry I am for my husband’s actions and to ask for your forgiveness.” She released Janis and wiped at her eyes.
“I thought maybe he was having an affair. He would disappear for hours during the day and nights. I should have known something bad was going on. I should have pulled my head out of the sand and found out what he was doing. I could have stopped all this if I’d confronted him.”
“Who could have imagined what he was doing,” Janis said. “I’m just so sorry that you’re going through this.”
“I’m going to be fine. I just hope you are,” Abigail said as she straightened her shoulders.
Janis nodded. “I’ll be okay.”
Abigail gave her another hug. “We’re strong women, Janis. We’ll get through this.” She stepped back. “I just wanted to let you know your job is safe. If and when you’re ready to return to work, I’ll welcome you back.”
By the time Abigail left, Janis felt utterly wrung out. Her heart was raw and, as wrong as it was, all she really wanted was Sawyer’s arms around her.
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